She Broke up with me...Anyhow thanks for trying to help...it means a lot

[hurtingandconfused]

I posted about 3-4 days ago and gave you guys my story.

 

She called me today instead of friday which was the 2 weeks she gave me. She sounded okay..we talked for about 5 mins about how we were doing. But then she came out with the line...I dont know how to tell you this...She then said that it was not going to work out...

 

I talked to her and told her that it was mostly my fault...i told her that i just sat back and watched our relationship die...I also told her that this was my first real relationship(she knew that already) and that if i could go back i would fix all the errors...She said that she was scared that if we got back all the BS would happen again. So i told her that i respected her decision.

 

She never said that she wanted to be friends...she was going to call me in a couple of days so that she could return my stuff.( I dont think that I will call her anymore-good idea?)

 

All the BS: Before the breakup (months back)...she told me she was depressed...i didnt understand what she meant...she told me that she was unhappy ...i would ask her about what..and she would say that she did not know. We would fight every morning because I would hug while she slept(she hated being waken up) She didnt feel respected by me. She said that it seemed as if i only wanted sex. I was not romantic...and we went out very little...( My first relationship didnt know that I had to keep all the romance fresh...Thought that Love was all we needed)

 

I asked her if she was going to go look for "Mr. Right" she said that she is not thinking about that right now...she wants to feel good about herself...she needs to do things she likes or else she will have a miserable life...

 

*I need to know...I love her so much...What are the possibilities of us getting back together?* I asked her if we could ever get back she said not right now...She told me not to wait for her( I'm going to wait for a while-I still have hope)

 

I went to my school counseler and she refered me to a place that I could go...Im going to seek counseling..so that I could go on and finish school healthy-I feel lik sh*t

[MU2k4]

I know it's hard, but eventually you will have to accept reality and move on. You shouldn't put your life on hold waiting for her, because it seems clear that she won't be coming back. If anything, use this as a learning experience so that you know what errors not to make in your future relationships.

[Marty_McFly]

I'm in your boat about keeping romance fresh. I also thought that you get past that point and that the intimacy gained from sharing absolutely everything you think, feel, take joy in, are hurt by, basically sharing every part of your being with someone else is the most romantic thing of all. I still think that, but apparently many women still want to get the little things that are "romantic" every once in a while. That was part of my problem, and I know I will never make that mistake again. Unfortunately, I may have to do it right for someone other than the one that I want to do it for right now.

[thehappyclam]

Man,

 

I was in your shoes four months ago. All I can say is: I AM SO SORRY!!! I know how badly it sucks. Since this is your first heartbreak, it sucks doubly. I don't know what I can say to make you feel better. Actually, I know that nothing I say can soothe the pain you must be feeling, or lighten the load on your heavy heart. I want you to know, though, that I do understand because I just went through it. I really really sympathize.

 

I am 23, and I was with my ex g/f for over 3 years. She was my first love. The relationship ended 4 months ago, so I have just been through the worst of the aftermath. The best advice I can give you right now, since you're so fresh from the breakup, is:

 

1. Don't do anything stupid to hurt yourself or others.

2. Cut off contacts with her. This is a hard one, since you sound like you're still very much in love with her and want things to work out. I was the same way. I don't really know if your g/f might change her mind or not, so I can't tell you what to do. In my case, holding out hope tored my heart apart and made me hurt even more. Only when I decided to cut off all ties and get rid of all false hopes did I make significant progress in getting over her. Please read my response to Texastapper if you want the full story.

3. Get busy. You have a huge void in your life now. Find things to fill it. I recommend family, friend, and yourself.

4. Get help. Talk it out with people you love and trust. People who is not your ex g/f.

5. LIVE YOUR LIFE. You have been living life as a part of a 2 people unit, so it will take a while for your mind to readjust to being independent. Once you do, though, get out there and live. Make a life for yourself. I know this is not what you want to hear. It wasn't what I wanted to hear either. I wanted to live "our" lives, not just "my" life. It's ok to feel that way right now....

6. Know that things will get better. Right now you're in the rawest stage. It will get worse before it gets better, but it will get better. Find happiness in the things that you do have. Get back to your blood, your friends, your self. I guarantee you that you will have a new love/appreciation for your family and get at least one new best friend out of this ordeal. Just keep your head up. Cry your eyes out if you want to, but never lose faith.

7. Know that you will get out of this. I can't stress that enough. You will move on to a better life. Don't succumb to the fears and negativities....You will make it through.

[SmittenKitten]

I don't think one can certainly say from what u have written that she is gone for good. She may just be gone for now. I am currently going thru the same situation as u are and ur post has given me further insight. My ex pushed me away too because for a long time he has been depressed/traumatised, unable to find happiness internally and seeking to find what he needs to do in order to find peace and happiness, alone. Sometimes, ppl need to be alone to find themselves. To give their spirit that self respect and total attention and to quiet down or rejuvenate their weary mind and soul. It is not selfish to say "I need to find and love me, and I'm sorry but I need to be alone to do this before I can find another to love the way I should". He also said to me, as she said to you, that he is not even thinking about looking for love due to his state of mind right now.

 

I showed him all the love he'd never had, I was unlike any other to him and he appreciated it - but was emotionally exhausted from traumatic times in life. I don't think when one is clinically depressed and confused, that they are clear-minded enough as someone emotionally and mentally stable, to say 'hey you're a good thing, i'm keeping u around'. My ex tried doing this for a while, but when one is sad, confused and miserable with themselves, they r not almost capable IMO of putting their positive emotional share into a relationship. They will try. I'm sure they may realise they've found a good partner, and may even feel a sense of guilt at having to put that partner through their downfall. It's hard enough that they're coping with themselves, than to have to consider the emotional wellbeing of another. It's a lot of hard work for the weary.

 

I don't think when one is focussed on their sadness that they have the energy to put effort into much. Friendships, housework, hobbies seem to fall to the wayside. So my dear HurtingOne, just be patient and gentle on her, and yourself. Because you never know what the future brings. Once she's had time to reflect, time to herself to smile with herself, she may just think back and say 'wow that guy was great. I wonder how he is. He did so many sweet things for me.' U couldn't know right now HurtingOne what will be - cuz she doesn't know herself.

 

So just take each day as it comes. She has given you precious time to also work on yourself. To think about things, smell the roses, cry the warm tears, read a book, find yourself. Be grateful and truly experience the pain (don't ignore it). Why? Because when you feel joy, you will experience it twice as much and value it soooo much more. Who knows how long it will take to know the outcome, so just take the day as it comes. They may not even return unfortunately. But try to be thankful for the experience of what you have, what you have not and what you will learn.

 

Row your boat gently down this stream.

 

SmittenKitten

[werty]

does a 4 month relationship also have a chance like this? im somehow on the same boat...

[hurtingandconfused]

Thanks guys,

 

I was in a bit of denial. I was hoping for her to return to me. I know that I must move on, I thought that it would be easier if I still had hope. But you are right happyclam, It will hurt me more if I keep this hope in my heart. I should just move on...I just don't want to...I must and I will try...and SmittenKitten I felt that I could of helped her. I feel as if I let her down. I feel responsible for our relationship not working out.

 

All the memories are so painful, I see her and cannot handle it. She was my best friend, I want to see how she does in life...But you guys have been experienced with this...and yes I will not contact her. This is so painful and thanks for the support. I just don't understand why it had to turn out like this...If only I was not too selfish.

[thehappyclam]

Hmmm....yeah....I think that you're being too harsh on yourself.

 

Girls have a great way of making you feel like you've done things wrong when it doesn't work out. Why do they do this? I don't know. All I know is that it's always the guy's fault. Now I'm not saying that men don't play the blame game as well; all I'm saying is that it's as much her fault as it is yours. It's a relationship, and if it doesn't work out it's on the both of you. To say that if you've done this or that it would have worked out is absolutely untrue, and it only makes you feel worse.

 

She needs a reason to leave you, and so in her mind she has made up that reason and has convinced herself to believe in it. Of course, she wouldn't want to leave you if she was happy, right? So she says that she's unhappy and it's because of you. She says that you're selfish, that you're possessive, that you don't do enough romantic stuffs, whatever....She NEEDS to believe in that. But you don't. Just because the two of you failed in this relationship does not make you a failure. In fact, you are a winner. You gave love. You felt love. And you will love again. The longer you hold on to this vision of yourself as a failure (because of this relationship), the lower your self esteem is going to crash.

 

Who's the big winner??? You! Just because your g/f does not want to stick around and work it out doesn't make you selfish. If anything, thank her for showing you how much she really does care about making things work, (thick and thin, rich and poor, sickness and health, yeah right) then move on to better things in life.

[thehappyclam]

I don't want to sound like I'm belittling your ex g/f's level of commitment to the relationship. I am afraid I sounded that way in the previous post. I am sure that she, just like you, tried her best. The fact that it doesn't work out is not your fault, and that's the point I was trying to make. I certainly would not recommend you building up anger against your ex g/f because she jumped ship first. In time, you will see that if it doesn't work out, it's because you weren't meant for each other....and you will thank her for making that difficult decision. Again, it's not anybody's fault. So don't get down on yourself.