As much as I ever did

[LisaUk]

It's been almost a year since my ex of 18 years left me with no warning and no real explanation, just some contradictory "reasons" ranging from he didn't think we were compatibile, to I was controlling and back again.

 

The problem is I just don't know what to do to go over this. I can't get past it, I still dream about him every night, I still cry daily, he is my first thought when I wake and many thoughts in between.

 

Don't get me wrong, it's no where near as gut wrenchingly raw as it was at first, but now it's more of a hollow emptiness, a slow, long aching pain that is always there inside me waiting for a moment to resurace through the day. I try, I get out, I see friends, I go to law school. I try to tell myself not to think about it, that he isn't worth this, yet somehow it makes no difference. I loved him since I was 15 years old that doesn't just stop because he wants it to.

 

This is never going to leave me is it? By what he has done, he has left me to face a lifetime of hell.

 

I still love him as much as I ever did.

[sotagoon]

Lisa...I'm not one that should be giving any advice as (and you know because you write to me too) I am in the same boat. I have a routine every morning when I wake...Check phone, then email, then LOVESHACK, then go about my day.

 

I have begun to think that my DREAM of a life with HER is the only thing that will make me happy. I have tried to RE-SET my goals and I can't seem to find any that don't involve her. I put so many things in the background to just get past her schooling and then live a normal mature with responsibilities life. (Equally shared)...Get married, have kids, grow old and love each other a little more each day...Not looking so good right now????!!!!

 

I just walked in the door from a long day on the road, by myself and about 9 hours of driving. Every moment I wasn't on the phone, I was thinking about WHY..WHY...HOW..WHY...and WHEN will she come back?

 

I feel for you, I really do. I'm not myself each day. I almost can't remember when I was excited about something?

 

I just thought I'd send you a little encouragement....you are wonderful, smart and probably a knockout. I know it doesn't mean the same coming from me, but you deserve it!

 

If I could I'd plant a huge hug and smooch on you!

 

I think I'm gonna try to think about you tomorrow morning...no worries..not that way..but in a way that I hope YOU have a great day...and maybe that'll help both of us.

[alphamale]

The problem is I just don't know what to do to go over this.

you do what we all do...take it day by day

 

This is never going to leave me is it?

i promise you that over time it will...

[Steadfast]

This seems more chronic than romantic Lisa, but no worries. Your words show that your love is deep, genuine and true. No shame in that.

 

You've been here for awhile and have probably heard all this before, but one thing that has helped me put my ex 'in her place' was not thinking of her as my wife, lover or friend, but simply as another person. That is, I judge her actions and attitudes as I would any other 'person' I'd meet. I've shared this before, but one night a mate and I were talking and she came up in the conversation. He asked me a very profound question; If I met her today for the first time but knew her history, knew what she was capable of and what she'd done, would I want to date her? Would I even want to get to know her?

 

The answer was no Lisa. No. And I love her. I do. She's the mother of my kids and we were married 16 years. 15-1/2 happily. At least, happy for me.

 

What we think about during the day we dream about at night. Somehow, someway, you've got to break this mental and emotional cycle. You're what...late 30s, early 40s? That's still very young Lisa. Lots and lots of time left for you to experience the joys of real love. Just imagine how wonderful you'll feel when you meet him, when he first holds your hand, whispers in your ear and touches his lips to yours. At that point you'll be so thankful you're free to pursue and enjoy a relationship with a person who truly knows how to love, instead of someone who sees you as a burden.

 

Until then, know that you deserve better. Break the cycle Lisa. You know how, deep down. Your heart just doesn't want to let go. But it must.

[tojaz]

Steadfast is spot on Lis! The more you long for the love that hurt you and that you lost, the longer you close yourself off from all the love you could be receiving. Thats a bitter pill for all of us to swallow, but sad fact is we all have been hurt and betrayed. While we slide back from time to time, we cant just give up on love, because you never know when something better is going to find you.

 

So yes Lis, I'm sure you love him as much as you ever did, I love my ex as much as I ever did as well, but i also know that there will be someone some day that i can love a whole lot more and is going to be able to give that back as good as I give. I deserve that, and so do you Lis, but you have to believe that your self before it can find you.

TOJAZ

[sumdude]

Lisa, it does take time to get past it. It's been three years for me and occasionally I still have one of those days.

 

Have you been out with anyone else yet? Have you put yourself out there? Maybe the idea seems so strange or even wrong. Maybe you feel like you may never love anyone again. But at the very least make yourself do it. Eventually you will have to or be stuck in this limbo. Even if it's just a fling.

 

At many points in life we all have to force ourselves to do something that causes anxiety. As little children we kept trying to walk, we would stand then fall, stand then a step then fall again until one day it was second nature. Make yourself at least imagine someone else, that's a step.

 

Find another lover Lisa. I've had a few little relationships since my ex left. Each ended either by my choice or by the others. Each time there was a little of the same pain yet not as bad. But you know what? Each time it put me further away from my ex which is where I needed to be.

[mikeymad]

What follows is an important piece of wisdom I’ve encountered. It originates with Tanzan, a 19th century Japanese Buddhist monk and professor of philosophy at the Imperial University, and it comes down to us today in the form of this Zen story or koan.

 

Tanzan and Ekido were walking together down a muddy road in the rain. Coming around a

bend in the road, they arrived at a small, swift stream, where a lovely young girl in full dress

kimono stood crying. “Why are you crying?” asked Tanzan. In between tears, the girl explained that she was due at a wedding in a village on the far side of the stream, but to cross the stream

meant to ruin her kimono and, needless to say, her entrance. “Come on, girl,” said Tanzan. With that, he hoisted the girl on his back, waded across the stream and deposited her on the far side,

high, dry and happy. She went off to the wedding, there presumably to catch the bouquet

and/or get drunk. Tanzan and Ekido continued on down the road. Ekido held his tongue until that night when they reached a lodging temple. Then he could no longer restrain himself. “We monks don’t go near women,” he told Tanzan, “especially not young and lovely ones. It’s dangerous and our order forbids it. Yet you carried that girl across the stream. Why did you carry that girl?”

 

“I left the girl at the stream,” replied Tanzan. “Why do you carry her still?”

 

This koan teaches us the vital strategy of letting go. When bad luck or bad beats happen, we face a critical choice: We can hold on to the bad feelings that those outcomes engender, or we can just... move... on. Tanzan tells us that we must move on. If we cling to bad feelings, we must necessarily skew our perception, degrade our decision-making, and move away from a more perfect life.

 

 

I think love will never leave us if we are involved with someone. You must realize that this is nothing to do with you. You did your part. They are the ones who left us. Yes, the dumpee plays "tapes" over and over in their head, but it's those subconscious tapes that reinforce our thoughts, which change our beliefs, which change our actions. What have you learned about yourself during this time?

 

 

 

Imagine this. What would your life look like if you WERE over your ex? What would you be doing? What would you be enjoying? Who would you be with? Lastly, if a friend of yours were in a similar position as you, what would you tell her? Would she be a failure? Would she not be worthy of happiness in her own life? Is there another way of looking at your situation, that you have all these opportunities in front of you?

 

 

Crazy idea, but maybe it would be good to take a break from LS for a while. If we lean on everyone here too much and keep up with all the stories of heartbreak posted here every day, we can get sucked into a very negative world that we keep reliving and rehashing all our old wounds. We live vicariously through the other recon people (which is why there was so much interest in tnttim before he got smart and took a break), or we relate to those in our similar pain. We find comfort that other people are going through as we did, and if you are anything like myself we are hoping to find that one nugget that will make everything all better.

 

 

Truth is, only 1 side of the equation is getting help here. It is also up to the other side to own their crap and make an effort.

 

Food for thought.

[broken hearted]

Lisa,

I feel for you, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I have been knocked on my a** again...tenfold! I thought I was well on the path to being over him and moving on, focusing on myself and creating the best life I could for myself and my children. The last couple days I have been reliving all the amazing times we had together and reliving the death of all my dreams and future plans for us and our family. So many things are setting me off again and I know exactly what you mean Lisa. I JUST WANT MY LIFE BACK!!!

[GrayClouds]

Get the book:

 

The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Turn the End of a Relationship into the Beginning of a New Life

 

Likely your processing more then just the relationship at this point. And even if that is not the case the book has some very good exercises to help you move forward.

[just_some_guy]

It's been almost a year since my ex of 18 years left me with no warning and no real explanation, just some contradictory "reasons" ranging from he didn't think we were compatibile, to I was controlling and back again.

 

 

By what he has done, he has left me to face a lifetime of hell.

 

I still love him as much as I ever did.

 

That doesn't seem real healthy to me.

 

Is it really love that you feel for him, or is the lack of love that you feel for yourself that is hurting you?

[Gunny376]

Do you stop loving one if they left you because they died? No, you learn to live with day by day ~ one day at a time. At first you learn to live one second, then one minute.

 

When it comes to separation, divorce, o death of a spouse, you've got to experience the five stages of divorce. You know what they are.

 

In all the time you've been here, I've seen you post about the lost, the grief, a lot about the denial, the isolation, bargaining, depression.

 

There's only two others? Acceptance and anger.

 

Where' anger Lisa! Where is your anger ~ you've gone through all the other stages in through detail. But your not going to get to acceptance until you express your anger.

 

Time to get mad! Madder than a junk yard dog! :mad:

 

As good a time or place to start it? Is right here and right now!

 

Quit putting him up on some pedestal! He's a POS for not only what he did to you but how he did it!

 

He's a worm of man ~ if he was a real man he wouldn't have done what he did. He's a coward! He lied to you, mislead you, betrayed you, played you, and used and abuse.

 

What's their love about this clown. You deserve better! He's going to regret this everyday for the rest of his life! Oh! But to do that? He'd have to half a brain and heart instead of being a freakiing air head with a thumping gizzard.

 

You know why he did what he did? Because he knew in his heart of hearts that he wasn't good enough for you. Because he knew he did deserve you. That you too good of a woman for the likes of him.

 

You were too much and too fast for him kiddo!

Edited February 18, 2010 by Gunny376

[FeelingLonely98]

This is never going to leave me is it? By what he has done, he has left me to face a lifetime of hell.

 

Lisa - I felt the exact same way last Summer. Blindsided, had a good M, cheating spouse, WAS, refusing to try to "fix" the M, ... WHY, WHY, WHY ... I will never be ok. 24/7 thoughts of her and us.

 

The way I got out of this is that I said, ok, she doesn't want me, then I do not want to be her H. I filed for D. I forced myself to stay active and busy, even if I didn't want to. I didn't stay home much, Visited friends, family a lot. Worked hard at my job, fixed up the house, had fun, ... AND during all of this I really wanted to just stay home and cry or feel sorry for myself. Many on LS know that I made myself follow a different path. I guess you say I did the 180 thing - but for ME.

After months of this I decided I wanted to try dating again. I went on a few dates, some not so great. Went out with friends and talked to many women. It was nice. Helped me. I eventually met someone I really liked a lot and I am seeing her exclusively for a few months now.

 

ALL of these things helped me to stop thinking of her 24/7, crying, not living, ... not saying it will help you or others, but it DID help me.

 

Also, LS helped me. The fact that you are back here on LS again has to be somewhat therapeutic Lisa.

 

I hope you feel better soon Lisa. You deserve it. You are so young and you should be feeling like me - not the way you do now. Especially after all this time.

 

PEACE!

Edited February 18, 2010 by FeelingLonely98

[Gunny376]

Lisa - I felt the exact same way last Summer. Blindsided, had a good M, cheating spouse, WAS, refusing to try to "fix" the M, ... WHY, WHY, WHY ... I will never be ok. 24/7 thoughts of her and us.

 

The way I got out of this is that I said, ok, she doesn't want me, then I do not want to be her H. I filed for D. I forced myself to stay active and busy, even if I didn't want to. I didn't stay home much, Visited friends, family a lot. Worked hard at my job, fixed up the house, had fun, ... AND during all of this I really wanted to just stay home and cry or feel sorry for myself. Many on LS know that I made myself follow a different path. I guess you say I did the 180 thing - but for ME.

After months of this I decided I wanted to try dating again. I went on a few dates, some not so great. Went out with friends and talked to many women. It was nice. Helped me. I eventually met someone I really liked a lot and I am seeing her exclusively for a few months now.

 

ALL of these things helped me to stop thinking of her 24/7, crying, not living, ... not saying it will help you or others, but it DID help me.

 

Also, LS helped me. The fact that you are back here on LS again has to be somewhat therapeutic Lisa.

 

I hope you feel better soon Lisa. You deserve it. You are so young and you should be feeling like me - not the way you do now. Especially after all this time.

 

PEACE!

 

 

Higly recommended

[HeavenOrHell]

I know totally where you're coming from hun, well you KNOW I do don't you

I still feel like I will never be as happy again as I was with him, still can't get away from the feeling he was the love of my life, BUT I think the way I'm trying to deal with it now is to think ok I can't erase all those feelings easily, but the thing is, he chose to walk away, he wanted out, no matter how much I loved him and he knows that, he still chose to walk away, chose being with future partners rather than stay with me. But I have my pride and I have respect for myself and I refuse to waste the rest of my life feeling miserable over it and pining for someone who does not want me. I am trying to make the best of things now, I do not want to feel pathetic anymore, I'm sure I will have my moments for a long time to come, yours and my break up is sure to have long lasting repercussions, how could it not after all that time and the fact we were/are still in love.

I am so scared I won't be happy again, but I'm trying to hold onto the hope I will be, giving it my best shot.

We only get one chance at life, I don't want to waste mine, I've been taking the control back in my life recently.

Seeing Relate has helped me.

How much support have you got?

I'm assuming you're NC?

Hang in there hun xx

 

 

It's been almost a year since my ex of 18 years left me with no warning and no real explanation, just some contradictory "reasons" ranging from he didn't think we were compatibile, to I was controlling and back again.

 

The problem is I just don't know what to do to go over this. I can't get past it, I still dream about him every night, I still cry daily, he is my first thought when I wake and many thoughts in between.

 

Don't get me wrong, it's no where near as gut wrenchingly raw as it was at first, but now it's more of a hollow emptiness, a slow, long aching pain that is always there inside me waiting for a moment to resurace through the day. I try, I get out, I see friends, I go to law school. I try to tell myself not to think about it, that he isn't worth this, yet somehow it makes no difference. I loved him since I was 15 years old that doesn't just stop because he wants it to.

 

This is never going to leave me is it? By what he has done, he has left me to face a lifetime of hell.

 

I still love him as much as I ever did.

[LisaUk]

If I met her today for the first time but knew her history, knew what she was capable of and what she'd done, would I want to date her? Would I even want to get to know her?

I tried to think about this today but found it impossible to serpeate my feelings for him in order to view it objectively. I only have to think of him and I can't help but feel love.

You're what...late 30s, early 40s? That's still very young Lisa. Lots and lots of time left for you to experience the joys of real love. Just imagine how wonderful you'll feel when you meet him, when he first holds your hand, whispers in your ear and touches his lips to yours. At that point you'll be so thankful you're free to pursue and enjoy a relationship with a person who truly knows how to love, instead of someone who sees you as a burden.

I am 34. Thing is, I cannot imagine ever being with anyone else, partly because I have NEVER been with anyone else. My ex was my first, one and only I met him when I was 14 years old. I have no idea how it would be with someone else and I was happy with that, I do not belive in having multiple sexual partners. In fact the only reason I moved in with my ex was because I was sick, he knew my feelings regarding living together and knew I wanted to be married. This will probably sound extreme to those who do not share my morals, but I really feel he stole my life and my choices over it. I know I am partly to blame for allowing it to continue or even to have allowed it to happen, but I trusted him... now I don't think I can ever trust again.

 

 

Steadfast is spot on Lis! The more you long for the love that hurt you and that you lost, the longer you close yourself off from all the love you could be receiving. Thats a bitter pill for all of us to swallow, but sad fact is we all have been hurt and betrayed. While we slide back from time to time, we cant just give up on love, because you never know when something better is going to find you.

 

So yes Lis, I'm sure you love him as much as you ever did, I love my ex as much as I ever did as well, but i also know that there will be someone some day that i can love a whole lot more and is going to be able to give that back as good as I give. I deserve that, and so do you Lis, but you have to believe that your self before it can find you.

TOJAZ

 

I don't think that is possible, not for me, firstly I still love him so how can I love another? Secondly how would I ever be able to let go and trust again I would always be waiting for him to leave, so I would either be putting on an act spending my life pleasing him or being myself knowing that isn't good enough. That wouldn't be fair to the other person.

 

 

I think love will never leave us if we are involved with someone. You must realize that this is nothing to do with you. You did your part. They are the ones who left us. Yes, the dumpee plays "tapes" over and over in their head, but it's those subconscious tapes that reinforce our thoughts, which change our beliefs, which change our actions. What have you learned about yourself during this time?

That I am so unlovable and horrible and worthless and inadequate that someone who had spent more than half their life with me couldn't wait to get rid of me, felt the need to hide his unhappiness from me to avoid an argument, so I must be a really horrible, worthless person. He was wonderful, so the problem lies with me

 

 

There's only two others? Acceptance and anger.

 

Where' anger Lisa! Where is your anger ~ you've gone through all the other stages in through detail. But your not going to get to acceptance until you express your anger.

 

Time to get mad! Madder than a junk yard dog! :mad:

 

 

Gunny what is there to be mad about, I destroyed our relationship I only have myself to blame.

 

Thank you to everyone who took the time to reply to me, I feel really bad about posting such depressive things in response when so many made the effort to help me, feel like I am letting all of you down. Sorry. You have all given me a lot to think about, I just don't think this will ever go away and I can't fight that, I made this happen, I didn't know I was making it happen b/c he never said, but I was, otherwise he wouldn't have gone, so now I must live with what I have done.

[LisaUk]

I know totally where you're coming from hun, well you KNOW I do don't you

I still feel like I will never be as happy again as I was with him, still can't get away from the feeling he was the love of my life, BUT I think the way I'm trying to deal with it now is to think ok I can't erase all those feelings easily, but the thing is, he chose to walk away, he wanted out, no matter how much I loved him and he knows that, he still chose to walk away, chose being with future partners rather than stay with me. But I have my pride and I have respect for myself and I refuse to waste the rest of my life feeling miserable over it and pining for someone who does not want me. I am trying to make the best of things now, I do not want to feel pathetic anymore, I'm sure I will have my moments for a long time to come, yours and my break up is sure to have long lasting repercussions, how could it not after all that time and the fact we were/are still in love.

I am so scared I won't be happy again, but I'm trying to hold onto the hope I will be, giving it my best shot.

We only get one chance at life, I don't want to waste mine, I've been taking the control back in my life recently.

Seeing Relate has helped me.

How much support have you got?

I'm assuming you're NC?

Hang in there hun xx

 

Thanks H&H, I have not had any counselling other than intial assessments nearly a year ago, am still on waiting list. I am not allowed to mention my ex in the house, my friends are sick of hearing about it so LS is my only support. Yes I am NC at his request, over 9 months, he did not even send a Christmas card, 18 years and he can't even send a card I am so worthless.

Edited February 18, 2010 by LisaUk

[whichwayisup]

It's been almost a year since my ex of 18 years left me

 

((Lisa))....

 

It's going to take a while. 18 years together is alot to get over within a year, so don't push yourself into thinking that it's been almost a year and that you need to get over him and loss of what you had, that life with him. It hurts and it will continue to hurt for a while.. Though, as cliche as this sounds, time does heal all wounds. You're better than you were last week, the month before, 5 months before that, and 100x better than you were a year ago.

 

You need to stop blaming yourself. He decided it was over, just because he had his reasons, doesn't make it an absolute truth. Hope that make sense to you.

 

And, sadly when one person decides a relationship/marriage is over, and they want out, there's not much the other person can do to hang on, to make them stay.

 

Again, sweets, stop blaming yourself. He is to blame too! Maybe HE changed, and grew apart from you, but you didn't push him into that..

 

Lisa, you're alot stronger than you think. Give yourself credit, k. And, take care of you!

[whichwayisup]

he can't even send a card I am so worthless.

 

No more putting yourself down. You're not worthless.

 

Since you haven't done much counseling, try CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) it'll help build yourself esteem back up, gain that confidence.

[LisaUk]

No more putting yourself down. You're not worthless.

 

Since you haven't done much counseling, try CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) it'll help build yourself esteem back up, gain that confidence.

 

Thanks, I do feel that i should be past this now, feel like I am failing by not being over it. I am on a waiting list for CBT, here in the UK it's National Health Service, the lists are long, I have been waitint since last May and still no appointment. I am going to try the university counselling service but the trouble is I am doing post-grad law and my exams are coming up I don't think I have the time to expend on it right now yet if I don't get it now I will be done in May. Going to look into it. I do blame myself for him leaving, he wouldn't have left me if I was good enough for him, he said he left b/c of me so it must be me, people don't leave for no reason, I must have done something really bad.

[karnak]

I do blame myself for him leaving, he wouldn't have left me if I was good enough for him, he said he left b/c of me so it must be me, people don't leave for no reason, I must have done something really bad.

 

Wrong. Not your fault.

[mimidarlin]

Lisa,

You have to step back and try to evaluate your relationship from both sides. Did you make mistakes? Probably...but that doesn't put the "blame" on you. It doesn't make you not good enough for him. If he said he left because of "you" then there is likely to be more meaning to that than just those words.

 

Were you controlling? Were you difficult? Maybe you were both of these things. But you were together for almost two decades. If the controlling thing was an issue then it should have come up earlier. Now ask yourself....what do you want in a relationship? Did he really fulfill all of your wants and desires? Really think deeply about this. I suspect that you were not fulfilled in the relationship and this may have led to you acting out.

 

I know I love my husband of fourteen years. But...I haven't been fulfilled in our relationship for long time either. Maybe we can get back to a place where we are both fulfilled...maybe not. I am not willing to compromise my wants any longer.

 

Take this opportunity to really think about what you want. Read some books if you can't get into counseling. Maybe there are some divorce care groups in your area. Be honest with yourself and stop letting him beat down your confidence.

[FeelingLonely98]

Quote:

Originally Posted by LisaUk

I do blame myself for him leaving, he wouldn't have left me if I was good enough for him, he said he left b/c of me so it must be me, people don't leave for no reason, I must have done something really bad.

 

 

Wrong. Not your fault.

 

Lisa,

You have to step back and try to evaluate your relationship from both sides. Did you make mistakes? Probably...but that doesn't put the "blame" on you.

 

No more putting yourself down. You're not worthless.

 

Lisa honey - Do you see what is being written? TRUST US. We do not tell you this just to make YOU feel better because you are an LS friend. It is because it is true. YOU are not to blame. There is no real blame. It happened. I too thought my XW leaving me was MY FAULT. I eventually realized that yes, I did have some faults, I'm not perfect (no one is), but I am not to be blamed for her actions. It is when THAT happened that I started to crawl out of my hole.

 

Lisa - Do you know how many YOU have helped here? When I first joined last Summer - actually before I actually joined I was just reading a lot on LS - I remember reading a lot of YOUR posts of advice to others. Maybe it was therapeutic to you at the time but DAMN if it didn't convince me that I needed to be on LS. You, Gunny, dela, tojaz ... Point is you were stronger then and you can get back there. You are very bright, you have a great future ahead of you (though you can't envision that now) . . . It will get better.

 

Stop blaming Lisa.

[HeavenOrHell]

Wel my ex has said over and over, cos I asked him several times, that it was purely because of my neglect that he left, but I don't buy it, I think there were other reasons that he's denying to himself but it's easier to say it was purely the neglect. The reason I don't think it is purely that reason is cos after I came to my senses and realised my neglect I tried so hard to put things right but it made no difference.

I agree now when people say there is usually more than one reason, and I doubt very much that your ex didn't have a part to play in your relationship problems.

 

Thanks, I do feel that i should be past this now, feel like I am failing by not being over it. I am on a waiting list for CBT, here in the UK it's National Health Service, the lists are long, I have been waitint since last May and still no appointment. I am going to try the university counselling service but the trouble is I am doing post-grad law and my exams are coming up I don't think I have the time to expend on it right now yet if I don't get it now I will be done in May. Going to look into it. I do blame myself for him leaving, he wouldn't have left me if I was good enough for him, he said he left b/c of me so it must be me, people don't leave for no reason, I must have done something really bad.

[HeavenOrHell]

Maybe it's him who's worthless! Maybe he should have tried to work through the problems rather than giving up. I agree it makes us feel worthless cos they decided to go even though they knew we loved them still.

And I struggle with feeling 2nd best knowing that he has always fancied my ex mate and may well be with her now, I could have done without that.

I'm bloody angry with him but it's making it a bit easier to move on. Can you direct some anger towards him (he doesn't have to know about it)? So that you stop thinking he's wonderful when he's not.

 

 

Thanks H&H, I have not had any counselling other than intial assessments nearly a year ago, am still on waiting list. I am not allowed to mention my ex in the house, my friends are sick of hearing about it so LS is my only support. Yes I am NC at his request, over 9 months, he did not even send a Christmas card, 18 years and he can't even send a card I am so worthless.

[mikeymad]

Lisa,

I suggest you write a letter about all the reasons he made you angry, no matter how ugly, crass, or unfounded. Let all the emotion out. Put it out there in the universe, because it's underneath the surface of all of us who have been left. I am writing one now, and will probably post a thread on it, maybe as just being therapeutic to help others. I hope you maybe follow my lead and do the same.

Gunny had a post about anger, and it made me think that of all the emotions we have as dumpees, the one we push away and dont' embrace easily is anger. maybe it's that we don't want to upset the balance anymore with the spouse. maybe we want to be feeling bad and are so focused on our grief that we forget we were WRONGED by them leaving. maybe we are worried that this person isn't what we made them out to be on that pedestal, that they are people with faults of their own who have to take their part in the supposed failure of the relationship.

Write the letter. read it out loud...YELL IT. do it with a glass of wine in you or something. Post it on here, then burn it, whatever. Then you might at least take a little bit of this off your own shoulders and put it where it belongs.