As much as I ever did

[Gunny376]

By definition an relationship is a 50/50 proposition, and by consequence it takes two to make it but only one to break it.

 

When its does end either by death or divorce or just separating we experience and go through the Five Stages of Grief

 

 

There are five stages of grief. If we get stuck in one stage or the other, the process of grieving is not complete, and cannot be complete. Thus there will be no healing. A person MUST go through the five stages to be well again, to heal. Not everyone goes through the stages at the same time. It is different for each person. You cannot force a person through the stages, they have to go at their own pace, and you may go one step forward then take two steps backward, but this is all part of the process, and individual to each person. But, as stressed, ALL five stages must be completed for healing to occur.

 

The five stages of grief are:

 

 

1-Denial-"this can't be happening to me", looking for the former spouse in familiar places, or if it is death, setting the table for the person or acting as if they are still in living there. No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.

 

 

2-Anger-"why me?", feelings of wanting to fight back or get even with spouse of divorce, for death, anger at the deceased, blaming them for leaving.

 

 

3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals with the spouse who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.

 

 

4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb Perhaps feeling suicidal.

 

5-Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that it takes two to make or break a marriage. Realization that the person is gone (in death) that it is not their fault, they didn't leave you on purpose. (even in cases of suicide, often the deceased person, was not in their right frame of mind) Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing. Our goals turn toward personal growth. Stay with fond memories of the person

.

 

You've expressed all of them here at LS save anger.

 

It is impossible for one person to bear the entire burden and responsibility for a relationship, and its breakup ~ especially an eighteen year long one.

 

When Cheaters / "Dumpers" (henceforth C&D's leave their partners they are 100 % of the time vague as to reason and reflect upon the other party that they and they a lone are to cause for the breakdown of the relationship.

 

Most of the time they're not even specific. I've been divorced 20 years and to this day I still do have a specific reason as to why other than "You had to change!"

 

Yet in the entire 12 year marriage I was never told nor asked to make any changes.

 

I did twenty years in the Marine, retired, have a college degree in finance, yet if you ask my X who work in the elementary school lunchroom, is an 8th grade high school drop out, and is on marriage No. # 3?

 

I have no common sense? Although I've worked any number of different jobs over the course of my life. And was successful in each and everyone.

 

When your the "dumpee?" It really does a number on your self esteem, self respect and self confidence. Your pride takes one in the bow,

 

You were I believe a psy major in Uni. So your well aware of the id, ego, and superego. Your id ~ your inner child is why you cannot move on,

 

When you come to terms with the fact that you need to express your anger at him, at the lost of the relationship, everything ~ then you can begin to move on to acceptance and move forward and be happy in your life once again.

[sumdude]

Rituals help too. Write that letter to him, express everything.. then burn it. You need to have a funeral for your marriage. Find old cards, love notes, photographs whether you want go out to the grill and have a funeral pyre! Find some pictures of him and put them through the shredder!

 

 

 

Remember that scene in Forrest Gump when Lieutenant Dan tied himself to the top of the boat and rode out the storm? Screaming hell and damnation to God, the world and everything? He was ready to just die... he was mad at God and the world for the condition he was in and the guilt that he survived. Yet when it was over he was a changed man. He finally got it all out and made peace.

[silverfish]

Hey Lis

 

I'm so pleased to hear you're taking your exams and are still at college That is a huge achievement....

 

Don't forget, it's been a year, and a lot of that has been taken up with sorting out practical issues - you've moved, started a new degree, you're dealing with your family (tough I know), and you have a different network of friends I guess, or at least new ones.

 

All those things take up so much energy, I'm not surprised that things are still running through your head. It's also been forced on you, and you've been in 'crisis mode' trying to just get to where you are....and you've done a great job of it.

 

Moving on is easier said than done. I thought I had for a while, but 2 years on I ended up crying today because of something my ex said to me. It was fairly trivial, but honestly any words that come out of his mouth...all I hear is 'I don't love you, or want to be with you' basically. It's awful.

 

My point is. In a way, you have one advantage. You don't have to see him or deal with him. You don't have to know what he's doing, or who he's with. He has no part in adding to your pain, with further hurtful actions or words, or lack of them.

 

I don't know how to get over someone, because obviously I can't do it myself. I've ruined one good relationship because of it....I'm angry with myself more than anything, but I can't get angry with him, because I LET him make me feel this way. I keep letting him into my life, to do the same thing over and over again.

 

I'm trying to plan some things for the future, as I've been drifting the last few months and hanging on to hope that obviously isn't there.....what a waste. Have you got any plans? I want to go to Glastonbury this year with my boys...TBH the thought of going on my own isn't very nice at all, but it's better than doing nothing. Hopefull the sun will be out this year too

 

How do you bring that anger phase on Gunny? - I seem to have missed that one as well, or turned it on myself anyway

[Gunny376]

Having the benefit of twenty years since my divorce? I would be careful of what memories you take out and burn, be they cards, letters,records, pictures.

 

I've done that in the past and have regretted it many times over.

 

The anger process is different for everyone. For along time I was mad at her, the world and everyone in it. It lead me to become a recluse and drinking HARD for a very long time.

 

I become angry not only at her but most women in general. The alcohol served to cloud my brain and thinking. Took me awhile about two weeks before my metal and emotional state begin improving.

 

The fact of the matter is that most people ~ be they men or be they women are simply just not not long term relationship or marriage material. There are others who are simply serial monogamous.

 

About half of all people are LTR and marriage and about half are not.

 

The problem? Is you've those that are LTR and marriage material tagging with those that aren't. Throw in rebound? Ah HELL!

 

Is hard for a lot of women to phase through the "anger" phase because they've been culturally and socially conditioned not to express the emotion. (Others? Such as women from the South? BE AFRAID! BE VERY AFRAID!)

 

So if I were a woman? I'd just fake it until I made it and brought the emotion to the surface. And keep doing it until you've got it out of your system. Watch movies dealing with the subject? Such as Roseanne Barr's "SheDevil" or "The First Wives Club"

[FeelingLonely98]

When its does end either by death or divorce or just separating we experience and go through the Five Stages of Grief

 

You've expressed all of them here at LS save anger.

 

 

Gunny's right Lisa - Around October/November or so I started getting angry and folks here on LS noticed it even if I didn't. I was told things like "you seem very angry" or similar ... It was right after this that I finally arose and I became alive again.

 

Get angry at that SOB --> hurl some $^$%^#$ in his direction. He's worthless, not you.

[sumdude]

Having the benefit of twenty years since my divorce? I would be careful of what memories you take out and burn, be they cards, letters,records, pictures.

 

I've done that in the past and have regretted it many times over.

 

I agree, you have to be selective. Wasn't recommending a huge pile just some choice pieces.

 

Is hard for a lot of women to phase through the "anger" phase because they've been culturally and socially conditioned not to express the emotion. (Others? Such as women from the South? BE AFRAID! BE VERY AFRAID!)

 

The things is that her anger is there and being expressed but in the wrong direction! It's all turned inward leading to depression.

[aimchase]

Lisa, the NHS waiting lists are very much variable according to where you live. I can only assume that wherever you are, it's disgraceul because nobody should be waiting that long for an appointment.

 

Have you checked that you're still on this list and haven't somehow fallen off the radar? Where I am, I would expect a referral within one month!

[Gunny376]

Gunny's right Lisa - Around October/November or so I started getting angry and folks here on LS noticed it even if I didn't. I was told things like "you seem very angry" or similar ... It was right after this that I finally arose and I became alive again.

 

Get angry at that SOB --> hurl some $^$%^#$ in his direction. He's worthless, not you.

 

(My fingers are getting tired! )

 

Mind you when I went through it? There wasn't any Internet, forums such as LS?

 

I went through everyone of them? Even though the being friendly and reconciliation with her even though she cheated on me and left me to marry her new toy boy? (Freaking cougar )

 

When I finally went through the anger phase I walked around mad at her, the world and everyone in it! :mad:

 

I had myself what you might call an "attitude problem"

 

Finally it dawned on me, that I was better off with out her, that being married to her was like dragging a freaking dead horse around we me everywhere I went?

 

I accepted things for the way they were, are and will be! I thought to myself ~ "To Hell without it! I don't care if ever get another date ~ let alone another GF, let alone another wife!"

 

My attitude and perspective begin to change?

 

I'm single now. Don't have one, don't need one, haven't use for one, and couldn't afford one if I did? :p

 

Actually I'm just waiting for the right one to come along. One that's attracted to me and whom I'm attracted to on many different levels. One who's not looking for a meal ticket, a paycheck, or a Sugar Daddy. Someone who's balanced, has their own opinion and isn't afraid to express.

 

She is 'for real' about herself, her family and me. She can hold an intelligent conversation and is no slouch in the bedroom either. Willing to learn as well as work as a team, who's not interested in running my life. A woman who understands that men and women think and communicate differently and is willing to adjust.

 

For you guys these are definitely 'keepers!"

 

And if you know one already? Tell you love her!

[Gunny376]

The things is that her anger is there and being expressed but in the wrong direction! It's all turned inward leading to depression.

 

Agreeded!

 

How about Voodoo Dolls in their likeness or making a paper mache model of them and burn them in effigy?

[silverfish]

I agree, you have to be selective. Wasn't recommending a huge pile just some choice pieces.

 

 

 

The things is that her anger is there and being expressed but in the wrong direction! It's all turned inward leading to depression.

 

I agree. That's where I am as well, and I think that's the key to 'getting over it' and 'moving on'. Its different for me because my ex is there most days stirring my pot.

 

I've tried the gym, moving house twice, working relentlessly, a new BF, even getting mad at my mum, dad, and others at times. Can't get angry at him though.

[silverfish]

The things is that her anger is there and being expressed but in the wrong direction! It's all turned inward leading to depression.

 

Agreeded!

 

How about Voodoo Dolls in their likeness or making a paper mache model of them and burn them in effigy?

 

When they are the father of your children it seems sort of wrong to get angry and hate them....

[Gunny376]

When they are the father of your children it seems sort of wrong to get angry and hate them....

 

Then make two voodoo dolls or effigies of them!

 

Write on one, "Father!" On the other? "@zzhat!"

 

Write them a letter(s) and then burn it! Write how PO you are for they did to you, your children, your family.

 

Hell if it were me? I called them up and give them an earfull! Do whatever you need to do release that negative energy of "anger" inyou out? It'll eat you up and your own personal pysch will turn it in on you,

 

Ride by his house and get some that washable stuff they use to write on windshields with, (Personally I'd cut his tires, pour sugar down his gas tank and spray paint his car ~ but that's just me!

[silverfish]

Then make two voodoo dolls or effigies of them!

 

Write on one, "Father!" On the other? "@zzhat!"

 

Write them a letter(s) and then burn it! Write how PO you are for they did to you, your children, your family.

 

Hell if it were me? I called them up and give them an earfull! Do whatever you need to do release that negative energy of "anger" inyou out? It'll eat you up and your own personal pysch will turn it in on you,

 

Ride by his house and get some that washable stuff they use to write on windshields with, (Personally I'd cut his tires, pour sugar down his gas tank and spray paint his car ~ but that's just me!

 

Haha Gunny, it's funny to even think about it. Seriously though, it's not possible as a parent to do that. If I didn't constantly have to suck it up I would have done those things, and more mwahahhaha

 

....but I really have to avoid that whole scene for the sake of my boys.

 

I also think that getting that angry with someone sort of gives them a bit of power over you. When somone is mad, properly mad, they are quite funny and irrational. None of those clever sarcastic things come out, just a load of ridiculous bleurrghh that ends up making you feel worse after.

 

In Lisa's case....he's not there to get mad at. So bar doing all that screaming over a cliff at a seagull thing that therapists tell you to do, I'm not sure how its possible.

[LisaUk]

Lisa, the NHS waiting lists are very much variable according to where you live. I can only assume that wherever you are, it's disgraceul because nobody should be waiting that long for an appointment.

 

Have you checked that you're still on this list and haven't somehow fallen off the radar? Where I am, I would expect a referral within one month!

 

Hi Aim, Yes it's pretty rubblish where I am, I was told would be about a year, they refered me in May, I plan on chasing it at the end of May when I have taken my GDL (Graduate Dip in Law) exams. I know I need to see someone but I don't have time for anything other than study right now, I have so much work that I have not watched a TV progarame since Christmas and before that I only watched Doc Martin once a week since I started uni in September.

 

 

The things is that her anger is there and being expressed but in the wrong direction! It's all turned inward leading to depression.

 

Hi Sumdude, I don't have any anger towards him b/c it's my fault he left. If I had been a better person and what he wanted then he wouldn't have left me, so I have no reason to be angry with him. I did express some anger a few months after he left, I sent a very angry e-mail about the fact he knew my feelings about living together before marriage, how he took me round wedding venues and allowed me start palnning our wedding when he knew he wasn't going to marry me, about staying with me for 8 years and lying and keeping things hidden from me b/c he hoped it would get better and time would bring us closer together (just some of the "reasons" he gave) and about how he out me on the street with no job. Other than that though he had every right to leave me, if I had been good enough he wouldn't have left so I can't be angry at him.

 

I also feel like even if I could find a reason to be angry with him, that would some how mean that I never loved him, probably not explaining it well, just like what we had never exisited.

 

Thank you everyone for all the replies they have helped and given me a lot to think about. Just not doing so great right now.

[HeavenOrHell]

Lots of people don't get to see anyone, I'm one of them I pay privately to see a therapist when I can afford it. I've been trying to get help for years for my depression and anxiety.

 

 

Lisa, the NHS waiting lists are very much variable according to where you live. I can only assume that wherever you are, it's disgraceul because nobody should be waiting that long for an appointment.

 

Have you checked that you're still on this list and haven't somehow fallen off the radar? Where I am, I would expect a referral within one month!

[LisaUk]

Lots of people don't get to see anyone, I'm one of them I pay privately to see a therapist when I can afford it. I've been trying to get help for years for my depression and anxiety.

 

H&H you and I both live in the same area though! I was living somewhere else before he left me and I saw my DR there, I could have been seen as an emergency within two weeks! Unfortunately I had to come here and when I gave the new DR the letter my previous DR had given me to give her, I was promtly told there was no funding here. It really does depend on where you live in the UK. I am still waiting, they have even tried to get it for me through CBT b/c that is carried out by the same counsellors, so they would kind of combine it for me, they told me they had been given extra funding for CBT so I shouldn't have to wait long, been waiting since September, still no appointment.

Edited February 19, 2010 by LisaUk

[mikeymad]

Hi Sumdude, I don't have any anger towards him b/c it's my fault he left. If I had been a better person and what he wanted then he wouldn't have left me, so I have no reason to be angry with him. I did express some anger a few months after he left, I sent a very angry e-mail about the fact he knew my feelings about living together before marriage, how he took me round wedding venues and allowed me start palnning our wedding when he knew he wasn't going to marry me, about staying with me for 8 years and lying and keeping things hidden from me b/c he hoped it would get better and time would bring us closer together (just some of the "reasons" he gave) and about how he out me on the street with no job. Other than that though he had every right to leave me, if I had been good enough he wouldn't have left so I can't be angry at him.

I also feel like even if I could find a reason to be angry with him, that would some how mean that I never loved him, probably not explaining it well, just like what we had never exisited.

 

 

There are two ways to approach helping you get over this, the nice way, and the blunt way. This alternative approach may help snap some sense into you, so forgive me if it seems harsh. Sometimes we all need to be hit over the head, as someone said, with the 2x4 of reality.

 

This negative self talk has to stop. You are making every excuse in the book for him, and putting yourself down as "not being good enough". That, my friend, is pure bull****. So just stop saying it. Every time you start to have that thought in your head, start saying shut up shut up shut up shut up to yourself for about 30 seconds, and say something completely opposite. You have ingraining this thought process in your subconscious, making it tough to get out.

 

Take a food you don't like. Someone else likes it though. Does that mean that food is not good enough for you? No. It just means you don't prefer it. But for someone else, that is their FAVORITE FOOD. Just like some people's taste for food changes as they get older, people's preference in other people changes. Being together (as far as i know) since you were 15 goes through many stages of "flavor change".

 

Yes, our confidence takes a hit when we get dumped. But if you don't think you're worth anything, how will anyone else?

 

You say you have lots of homework, well I'm gonna add to your pile. I want you to make a list of 10 affirmations, and the more detailed the better. Put them on notecards. ie I am a beautiful, passionate woman who has abundance in my life because I am a good person. I am a success in everything I do because of my positive attitude. etc It doesn't matter how outlandish they seem, you need to go above and beyond what you normally would say to counter this bs thinking. Every morning FIRST THING (before you even pee) read these cards aloud AS IF they are true (because they are). Imagine your life like they are true and what your life looks like when they do become true reflections of you. If a negative thought creeps in, repeat the shut-up phrase. Read them all. Do the same thing right before bed. This is when your subconscious is most programmable. This will have huge effects on your attitude throughout the day, and your outlook.

 

As far as x, you can't control them. His fault for leaving, and your gain. You know why? Lisa...you are powerful beyond measure. You deserve the most amazing person in your life, the person that is EXTRA-Ordinary in all aspects of what you consider GREAT. That person is waiting for you to let go of those things that are holding you back so they can enter your life..... Let it go...and God will answer.

 

Lisa, you have 2 choices, and there are only 2. You can choose to live in this state of dispair and keep telling yourself all these things, or you can respect yourself, realize that sometimes sh it happens to good people (can you say that those people who died in the earthquake weren't good enough to live?) and get on getting on. This isn't about YOU anymore. This is about your friends, your family, and the people you are going to meet that you have a chance to change and transform their lives for the better. How can you do that when you're stuck in gloomytown? YOU CAN'T! Be that person you were meant to be

Edited February 19, 2010 by mikeymad

[aimchase]

Lisa, can you express a wish to be referred to somewhere out of area? I know with my ex she could not be seen in the proximity of where we were but there were services available 20 miles away if she could get there.

 

She didn't bother with it anyway but it's worth asking the questions.

[LisaUk]

There are two ways to approach helping you get over this, the nice way, and the blunt way. This alternative approach may help snap some sense into you, so forgive me if it seems harsh. Sometimes we all need to be hit over the head, as someone said, with the 2x4 of reality.

 

This negative self talk has to stop. You are making every excuse in the book for him, and putting yourself down as "not being good enough". That, my friend, is pure bull****. So just stop saying it. Every time you start to have that thought in your head, start saying shut up shut up shut up shut up to yourself for about 30 seconds, and say something completely opposite. You have ingraining this thought process in your subconscious, making it tough to get out.

 

Take a food you don't like. Someone else likes it though. Does that mean that food is not good enough for you? No. It just means you don't prefer it. But for someone else, that is their FAVORITE FOOD. Just like some people's taste for food changes as they get older, people's preference in other people changes. Being together (as far as i know) since you were 15 goes through many stages of "flavor change".

 

Yes, our confidence takes a hit when we get dumped. But if you don't think you're worth anything, how will anyone else?

 

You say you have lots of homework, well I'm gonna add to your pile. I want you to make a list of 10 affirmations, and the more detailed the better. Put them on notecards. ie I am a beautiful, passionate woman who has abundance in my life because I am a good person. I am a success in everything I do because of my positive attitude. etc It doesn't matter how outlandish they seem, you need to go above and beyond what you normally would say to counter this bs thinking. Every morning FIRST THING (before you even pee) read these cards aloud AS IF they are true (because they are). Imagine your life like they are true and what your life looks like when they do become true reflections of you. If a negative thought creeps in, repeat the shut-up phrase. Read them all. Do the same thing right before bed. This is when your subconscious is most programmable. This will have huge effects on your attitude throughout the day, and your outlook.

 

As far as x, you can't control them. His fault for leaving, and your gain. You know why? Lisa...you are powerful beyond measure. You deserve the most amazing person in your life, the person that is EXTRA-Ordinary in all aspects of what you consider GREAT. That person is waiting for you to let go of those things that are holding you back so they can enter your life..... Let it go...and God will answer.

 

Lisa, you have 2 choices, and there are only 2. You can choose to live in this state of dispair and keep telling yourself all these things, or you can respect yourself, realize that sometimes sh it happens to good people (can you say that those people who died in the earthquake weren't good enough to live?) and get on getting on. This isn't about YOU anymore. This is about your friends, your family, and the people you are going to meet that you have a chance to change and transform their lives for the better. How can you do that when you're stuck in gloomytown? YOU CAN'T! Be that person you were meant to be

 

He didn't leave me because he had changed over the years, he left because he said he had ALWAYS been unhappy for 18 years and he had deliberately kept his feelings hidden from me on purpose and lied to me to avoid an argument.

 

I have no memories that I can trust, he lied, so what was true what wasn't, was any of it real? Why did he leave? I don't know, he said the above, he then said he still loved me and might change his mind if he missed me enough, that he still loved me but only 20%. He said I have a controlling personality b/c I expressed that I didn't wnat him to work so much. He told me it was nothing to do with an illness I had suffered with, then said it was because I was sick that he was leaving, then said it wasn't again. He told me he wants someone independant who he can see when he feels like it, but at the same time he wants a family and children.

 

What in the h**l am I supposed to take form all that? All I know for certain is that he was/is a good person, I would not have been with him in the first place if he wasn't, so then the problem clearly lies with me. Just like my own mother says it is, and has all my life, "you're so pathetic" "why didn't you get a better grade" "why are you so selfish" "look what you did, you broke that, you're so clumsy" "why are you crying, you have no reason to cry" "what's the matter with you, why are you angry you have no right to be angry" "shut up, no one wants to hear you going on and on" "if you mention your ex one more time I will throw you out of the house" "I don't want to hear about how stressed you are, I am the one that is stressed" and the most hurtful

"you caused me to have my heart attack, it's your fault because you were such an ungrateful child, you put to much stress on me raising you"

 

I've never been good enough, I spend my whole life trying to please other people, it's all I do, I have to live with my mother now b/c of my ex putting me on the street becasue I obviously didn;t try hard enough to please him, I wasn't good enough, I never am.

 

I just want to go home.

Edited February 19, 2010 by LisaUk

[mikeymad]

He didn't leave me because he had changed over the years, he left because he said he had ALWAYS been unhappy for 18 years and he had deliberately kept his feelings hidden from me on purpose and lied to me to avoid an argument.

 

That's a pure lie. Don't you believe that for a second. If you haven't read the WAS manual, it's an extremely common thing for them to say. Ask ANYONE here. So either we withthe world's most convincing actors, or they are full of it. I bet you took pictures smiling together, laughed, and had good times. Therefore, it is impossible for them to ALWAYS have been unhappy. The get a wild hair up their butt and all of a sudden it's the reverse rose colored glasses of cynicism and they change whatever they want to get out of there, it's the basis of justification. Don't trust their words AT ALL. Mine, who is extremely religious, somehow convinced herself that God didn't "want" her to be that unhappy. Puh-lease. The only "fault" we have is we believe it, and internalize it to be true. Everything everyone says is only a VERSION of the truth. That's why in an arguement, there is one party's side, the other side, and THE TRUTH.

 

Beings you are in a toxic environment anyways, your homework just doubled. 20 affirmations, on notecards by Monday. This is bigger than your law exam, and will probably be even tougher to come up with 20 positive statements to say about yourself. This is about your LIFE. If you don't, I'm gonna sic Gunny on you, and you don't want a Marine on your bad side.

 

Hang in there. Trust me, this stuff helps. If you need examples etc PM me

Edited February 19, 2010 by mikeymad

[dgiirl]

Lisa, I'm going to be harsh here, but are you truly this mean judgmental person? Would you honestly tell every single person on this forum who has had their heart broken and betrayed by their spouse that it was our fault? That we are all pathetic losers? That if we were just "good enough" that our spouse would never have left us? That we deserved everything we got?

 

I would hope not! And if you wouldn't say or believe that about us, then why would you do that to yourself?

 

I really think you should try harder to get some counseling. Call them up, make sure you are still on the list, make a nuisances of yourself if you have to but make sure they know you and that you want counseling as soon as possible. Typically those who are the most vocal get noticed and get helped sooner.

 

As for it being a year and you are still not over it. It took me quite a while before I healed. I don't think I started making major progress until 2 years after. And I'm 5 years out, and I still have a lot of anger if I think about my ex. Like you, I beat myself up for a long time too. I had a lot of self negative talking in my head. It was only until I realized that the voice in my head was such a judgmental ugly mean spirited person but I would NEVER believe or say any of those things about another person. Why could I not show myself the same respect? Eventually tho, I just got sick and tired of my own dwelling on my past. I got sick and tired of trying to place meaning on his reasons for leaving. He left. That's ALL that matters. Now I have a choice of blaming him and never being happy for the rest of my life, or just moving on. Stop trying to make any sense of why he left. Today, right this minute, it really doesn't matter.

[FeelingLonely98]

Lisa, I'm going to be harsh here, but are you truly this mean judgmental person? Would you honestly tell every single person on this forum who has had their heart broken and betrayed by their spouse that it was our fault? That we are all pathetic losers? That if we were just "good enough" that our spouse would never have left us? That we deserved everything we got?

I would hope not! .

 

No, She wouldn't - she didn't. Lisa was very encouraging and supportive to fellow LSers last year.

 

Lisa - What Mikey says is true. The "I was never happy" line is pure bullsh*t. My xw told me three versions of this. Not happy for 2 years, not happy for 4 years, & finally that she was never happy.

Everything your X said to you was to deflect and to blame you and to justify his actions. To make him feel better. But as is so often the case, his comments to you make him feel better but make you feel worse. I can flipping guarantee you that you would NEVER have been "good enough" for him Lisa. If you could go back in time and fix all things that were supposedly not good enough about you - all of them - I bet he still walks. It's not about you - it's about HIM!!

 

I hope you get the help you need. I thought the US had the worse healthcare program in the world, sounds like UK is not far behind if you can not get help for almost a year. Mikey's comment about you needing to fix yourself being more important than the law exams is true. YOU need to be happy.

[LisaUk]

I never meant to suggest that all those on here that had been left were to blame for their spouse leaving. I just know that is why my ex left. People don't leave their first love for no reason. People don't spend 18 years toegether and gro wup together and then leave that for no reason.

 

He told me the reason was me "you're the problem" his exact words, so what did I do? It must have been pretty bad given he never wants to see or speak to me again. He has literally cut me out of his life and his entire family and friends as well. It must have been really really awful being with me for him to want to get away so badly and so finally.

 

People keep telling me I will find someone else, but I don't wnat anyone else. For one thing it will not be the same. Whoever I find now will have been with others, I liked the fact my ex was my one and only, that is the way it should be, like sea horses, for life. I used to belive in God, I used to believe that you should mate for life that was God's will. Now I sometimes wonder if he exisits b/c if that is his will why did he allow this to happen. Am I being punished? Did I treat my ex so badly that God does not wnat me to have him? Was it b/c I slept with him before marriage? I don't mean to cause anyone religious any offence, I am just trying to express some of the thoughts that go round in my head.

 

I hurt so much and I don't think it will ever go away.

[trippi1432]

I never meant to suggest that all those on here that had been left were to blame for their spouse leaving. I just know that is why my ex left. People don't leave their first love for no reason. People don't spend 18 years toegether and gro wup together and then leave that for no reason.

 

He told me the reason was me "you're the problem" his exact words, so what did I do? It must have been pretty bad given he never wants to see or speak to me again. He has literally cut me out of his life and his entire family and friends as well. It must have been really really awful being with me for him to want to get away so badly and so finally.

 

People keep telling me I will find someone else, but I don't wnat anyone else. For one thing it will not be the same. Whoever I find now will have been with others, I liked the fact my ex was my one and only, that is the way it should be, like sea horses, for life. I used to belive in God, I used to believe that you should mate for life that was God's will. Now I sometimes wonder if he exisits b/c if that is his will why did he allow this to happen. Am I being punished? Did I treat my ex so badly that God does not wnat me to have him? Was it b/c I slept with him before marriage? I don't mean to cause anyone religious any offence, I am just trying to express some of the thoughts that go round in my head.

 

I hurt so much and I don't think it will ever go away.

 

Lisa - God allows things to happen because they are supposed to happen...it is by design and I don't believe that God is punishing you....just the opposite - God is giving you a situation that you take lessons from and grow stronger from it. God knows you better than you even know yourself. I can already see from your postings what God is wanting you to learn and to do....in my opinion, the first thing you need to tackle is your relationship with your mother. It appears that she is very controlling and verbally abusive...this is where you continue to find that weakness for your ex and not being able to move on.

 

Question - Did you take up with your ex to get away from home? That's not unheard of and happens quite alot for women who grow up in abusive homes. The issue is that you give your power away to those people, you let them become your only happiness or you allow them to become your conscience and hurt you. From reading your posts, you have alot of inner strength Lisa - you wouldn't going to Uni if you didn't, you wouldn't have overcome your other issues that you have talked about as well.

 

I really think that your relationship with your mom is your trigger with your ex. When she becomes verbally abusive, you regress (backslide) because he represents your being able to get away from that abusive relationship with her....he was the "escape" and you gave away your power to be happy TO HIM because your mother never gave you the chance to know how to be happy with yourself. That is not YOUR fault, but it is your duty to yourself to heal from what has been put on you and find that inner strength to be happy with yourself....not to put your only happiness on one person. When you make someone else the only reason for your happiness, you give up the power to be happy and put pressure on the other person for that happiness.

 

I understand that it is not possible now to move out of your mother's house right now; however, it is possible to put things into perspective and start that healing process with her. I believe that once you either get out from under her roof or start understanding your relationship with her and how to change it, you will see things differently with your ex.

 

Sorry so long, just my opinion. Hugs.

[PWSX3]

We are sinful people & we live in a sinful world. God lets us all make our own choices.

God loves us very much & just because something bad happens to us doesn't mean he won't make the best of it.

 

For me I didn't want my divorce either, but I wouldn't be anywhere close in my walk with God if it wasn't for this. He has taken something bad in my life and is turning it around for good....

 

Remember one very important thing. God HATES divorce but he LOVES divorced people. He will never give up on us no matter. what....

 

I have to agree, I really believe that you need to look at your situation with your mom & that might help with other parts in your life.

 

The biggest thing they talk about in DC class & other classes I have taken is; we need to forgive. Doesn't mean we need to forget but we need to forgive in order to move forward......

 

You have been thru a lot, you have a lot on your plate & sometimes it just gets way overwhelming, but God will never make us go thru any more then what we can handle....

 

I look forward to hearing how things are in a couple years, I'm sure you will be such a stronger person for it just like dgiirl has learned.....