As much as I ever did

[Brightmoon]

Lisa, sweetheart.. I have not read all the thread, but enough to see the pain you are in.

 

You are not being punished. I hear what you say about not wanting anyone else. I have no idea what it must be like to have to put an 18 year relationship behind me. It has to be unbearable. No wonder you are in such pain.

 

Anyone that can want to blame you like your ex did is running away form the truth.

 

I don't think I can add anything very helpful except to say that you should continue to get it out of your system, on here or with friends.

 

It will get better... it's going to take time.

 

((many hugs to you Lisa))

[HeavenOrHell]

Lisa, it was horribly cruel of him to be so blunt and say you're the problem, I mean there are ways of saying things, I still think it takes two to cause a break up, I believe my ex is denying all other reasons why he left me as I think it is easier for him to say he left cos of my neglect.

I was his first love, but I had other partners before him, I still feel he was the love of my life and that I am unlikely to click so completely with someone else, the thought of him sleeping with someone else is like torture so I refuse to think about it anymore, there's nothing I can do about it and it makes me miserable.

I think him cutting you off so completely is also cruel but it looks like it is his way of coping, he will not have found the break up easy, it does not mean he has done that because you are 'awful', it's more that NC makes it easier for him.

PM me anytime hun xx

 

I never meant to suggest that all those on here that had been left were to blame for their spouse leaving. I just know that is why my ex left. People don't leave their first love for no reason. People don't spend 18 years toegether and gro wup together and then leave that for no reason.

 

He told me the reason was me "you're the problem" his exact words, so what did I do? It must have been pretty bad given he never wants to see or speak to me again. He has literally cut me out of his life and his entire family and friends as well. It must have been really really awful being with me for him to want to get away so badly and so finally.

 

People keep telling me I will find someone else, but I don't wnat anyone else. For one thing it will not be the same. Whoever I find now will have been with others, I liked the fact my ex was my one and only, that is the way it should be, like sea horses, for life. I used to belive in God, I used to believe that you should mate for life that was God's will. Now I sometimes wonder if he exisits b/c if that is his will why did he allow this to happen. Am I being punished? Did I treat my ex so badly that God does not wnat me to have him? Was it b/c I slept with him before marriage? I don't mean to cause anyone religious any offence, I am just trying to express some of the thoughts that go round in my head.

 

I hurt so much and I don't think it will ever go away.

[dgiirl]

I never meant to suggest that all those on here that had been left were to blame for their spouse leaving. I just know that is why my ex left. People don't leave their first love for no reason. People don't spend 18 years toegether and gro wup together and then leave that for no reason.

 

He told me the reason was me "you're the problem" his exact words, so what did I do? It must have been pretty bad given he never wants to see or speak to me again. He has literally cut me out of his life and his entire family and friends as well. It must have been really really awful being with me for him to want to get away so badly and so finally.

 

But Lisa, our exes DID tell us it was because of us. Very very rarely does the WS accept responsibility for their decision to leave. It is easier for someone to leave if they vilify the other partner. Especially mine!

 

After 11 years, my ex came home one day and said he wanted a divorce and left the next day! He NEVER said a word prior about his unhappiness. He also told me that all I did was take and take and all he's done is give and give and that I was an evil person that hurts people. And that if I don't smarten up, karma will catch up to me and punish me. He also said that he never wanted to get married and that he never loved me, but that he felt sorry for me and was worried what people would think of him for leaving. For 11 YEARS, he never said a single thing to anyone about his unhappiness, and in one single night, he was GONE.

 

I truly understand the mind **** you are going through. It does NOT make ANY sense to be with someone for so long and then just puff, gone, overnight, not even a chance to work things out. I was messed up for quite some time. I had his voice repeating over and over in my head every single day for a quite a while.

 

I slowly decided that his words really did not make ANY logical sense, and that if I wanted closure, I needed to seek my own reasons why it ended. It took a lot of soul searching, but I know why my exh left. It had absolutely NOTHING to do with what he said. I know I was suffering from low self esteem. I know I was suffering from depression (partly caused by our interactions within the marriage). And because of that, we had an unsatisfying sex life. Acknowledging that, was a hard pill to swallow and I am embarrassed about it. But THIS is why he left. This makes sense to me. I also know why I was not interested in sex. Due to the depression and low self esteem, and due to his lack of affection towards me increased my depression and low self esteem, which decreased my interest in sex. It was a vicious cycle. The more I got depressed, the more I lost interest in sex, the more he felt rejected and became hurt, the more he withdrew his affection, which affected my depression and self esteem.

 

I know I am not an evil person. I know I am not a selfish person. And I know I sacrificed a LOT in our marriage and I gave just as much as he did. And I know this about you too!

 

I do not believe you are a mean person and I do not believe you have the opinion that you think we all deserve this heartache. But if you do not believe that about us, WHY won't you show yourself the same affection? If you can show compassion to complete strangers on the internet, why would you be so mean spirited and hateful towards yourself?

 

 

People keep telling me I will find someone else, but I don't wnat anyone else. For one thing it will not be the same. Whoever I find now will have been with others, I liked the fact my ex was my one and only, that is the way it should be, like sea horses, for life. I used to belive in God, I used to believe that you should mate for life that was God's will. Now I sometimes wonder if he exisits b/c if that is his will why did he allow this to happen. Am I being punished? Did I treat my ex so badly that God does not wnat me to have him? Was it b/c I slept with him before marriage? I don't mean to cause anyone religious any offence, I am just trying to express some of the thoughts that go round in my head.

 

Have you ever contemplated the thought that maybe God wanted you out of a toxic relationship? That he is giving you the chance to become independent and allow yourself to love yourself the way you should? The way your mother and your ex never did? And the reason you are hurting so much is because you refuse to love yourself?

[worldgirl]

This is never going to leave me is it? By what he has done, he has left me to face a lifetime of hell.

Lisa, you have kindly advised me on the "deserted after 28 years" and I very much recognise the emotions, although since it's been 10 weeks with me it's probably a bit more raw and the shock is still there. Yet I I feel very much as you do, and like you it hits me like a sick thump every morning when I wake up and think "I'm a deserted wife".

 

I think on a previous post you said that you wanted to be like seahorses, for life, and though I met my husband at age 26, I too thought that. I was very proud we raised our children in an intact family.

 

The trouble is, this is such a disposable consumer society and sometimes I think that people just think of others as products. It's also hard because there's so much pressure to "move on" and "be positive", even after a disastrous experience such as yours. Some of my friends and family are a bit tired of my grief already. Do you find that?

 

Even my counsellor (I managed to get eight sessions on the NHS after only a month - postcode lottery) urges looking forward, but as your experience shows, seahorses such as ourselves can't accept the modern mindset about divorce and break-up which is that it is a "learning experience'.

 

By the way, the counsellor also told me that, in my own case, "it's about him, not you" and although I don't really know that much about your situation, I would hazard a guess that's the case there too. In fact, I don't blame myself and nor should you -the people who will leave a long-time love with hardly any explanation or warning are at fault.

 

Actually, I supported bereaved people as a volunteer for some time and often told them of a theory that says the pain never goes away, it may always stay, but in the course of life there are many things which are built around it, new experiences, activities, people etc so there is less of a glaring imbalance (ie a massive black hole). I have often told others of this - now I have to make this work myself!

 

I think that someone doing postgrad law must have a lot on the ball and compared to me (I am still considering it a triumph to get out of bed and do a few things) you are doing far more. I know that in a bereavement they tell people it takes at least two years to adjust to the fact. These long-term break-ups are somewhat akin to a bereavement, only uglier, and I think a loss requires mourning. Some of us just need more. Now I have to take my advice too!

 

Also, can I say I have been advised that CBT is a quick fix thing, which may not be suitable for this sort of mourning/grief. I hope you can get some counselling - I am finding it quite helpful.

[Steadfast]

 

But Lisa, our exes DID tell us it was because of us. Very very rarely does the WS accept responsibility for their decision to leave. It is easier for someone to leave if they vilify the other partner...

 

 

I stand in awe of this post. There are truly some deep, meaningful things being written here on LS and this is a shining example. Reading this is both therapeutic and enlightening. Thank you dgiirl; this is very good work.

 

Lisa, my story is different, but it ends up being the same. Let me say that my ex; 18 years in and although I was not her (ahem...) 'first', I was the self-proclaimed LOVE OF HER LIFE. The first man she ever introduced her family to. Her first serious relationship. Not that she couldn't have one before (she was 24) but because in her words, she'd never met anyone she wanted to have a 'committed relationship' with. I was it. The ONE. I gave her children, love and support. I was faithful. I worked hard to support us. In the end, after explaining it 'wasn't me' she changed her tone and threw all of it at my feet. I wasn't home. We had nothing in common (!) She loved me but wasn't in love with me. She married too young. I trapped her.

 

30 pounds lighter, financially ruined and two shell-shocked teenagers later, here I am. Happy? Somewhat. It could be better but I'm not complaining. Was it me? Probably. Who else could she blame? Herself? Is her guilt tolerable? I don't know. She works, dates, has sex and sees her kids once and awhile, when she feels like it. She lays guilt on them for being busy when she beacons. She lays guilt on me for...ahh...breathing? Existing?

 

I don't know and I don't care. Oh, I care about her, but all the other is maddening. How can I figure it out when she doesn't know herself?

 

So Lisa, if this is the way you wish to live, allowing a man who is no longer around to control your emotions, to stay faithful to the faithless, then have at it. Leave God out of it. Upon death, you're either in Christ or you're not, But, He doesn't 'punish' when we make a choice. The heart will be judged Lisa, then. Again, good luck finding a man who is up to your standards of purity. You're lashing all this down at 34? Letting a man and a failed relationship dictate a future paved with self loathing? What a waste. Like the song says Lisa, there's only so many springs, so many summers.

 

**EDIT**

 

I must add that having children brings a whole new demographic into the equation of divorce or seperation of a long term relationship. I suffered greatly when my marriage collapsed and also -due to abandonment- was forced to deal with the suffering of our kids. Alone. Very soon I learned that as I acted, they acted. My depression was their depression. So, my love for them yanked me out of the terminal blues and into real life. This is important because it differs those of us who have kids. Still, life is out there Lisa, waiting, and no matter what you say, feel or decide, it will be what YOU make it.

Edited February 21, 2010 by Steadfast

[LisaUk]

So Lisa, if this is the way you wish to live, allowing a man who is no longer around to control your emotions, to stay faithful to the faithless, then have at it. Leave God out of it. Upon death, you're either in Christ or you're not, But, He doesn't 'punish' when we make a choice. The heart will be judged Lisa, then. Again, good luck finding a man who is up to your standards of purity. You're lashing all this down at 34? Letting a man and a failed relationship dictate a future paved with self loathing? What a waste. Like the song says Lisa, there's only so many springs, so many summers.

 

**EDIT**

 

I must add that having children brings a whole new demographic into the equation of divorce or seperation of a long term relationship. I suffered greatly when my marriage collapsed and also -due to abandonment- was forced to deal with the suffering of our kids. Alone. Very soon I learned that as I acted, they acted. My depression was their depression. So, my love for them yanked me out of the terminal blues and into real life. This is important because it differs those of us who have kids. Still, life is out there Lisa, waiting, and no matter what you say, feel or decide, it will be what YOU make it.

 

Why do people keep telling me that I am doing this to myself, NOTHING could be further from the truth.

 

I just fell out with a dear dear friend b/c of this, b/c they could not see what I feel, taking it personally, not hearing what I am trying to express.

 

Another friend today told me I am self pitying. I can't cope anymore, I really do think I am having a nervous breakdown, I would quite happily die right now. Do you honestly beleive this about my standards? This is nothing to do with standards this is about FEELINGS and not knowing which way to turn in despair. I give up, I can't take this pain anymore, I can't fight anymore.

[LisaUk]

please someone, anyone. please just make this stop

[Steadfast]

No one said you we're doing it to yourself Lisa. No one said you wanted it to happen. None of us wanted this sweetie...that's the point. The problem. We are all for the most part, here because of something we didn't choose.

 

Now, all we have, even in the face of another relationship, is ourselves. Even in love, these experiences will change us. Maybe...for the better, if we can pass along what we've learned to others and help them. You've done that Lisa, plenty of times. Now, you're in need again and your friends are responding. We are on your side...not just that, but the side of hope, and happiness. There is a way Lisa, but only you can take the steps.

 

There seems to be a loving core of people here. In your case, a good number of people, both male and female. If someone is in the water Lisa, drowning, they must grab the life preserver being thrown to them. In light of that, if they fight off help then a real problem exists. Help, in a very loving expression is being presented and offered here Lisa. Take it.

[Gunny376]

But Lisa, our exes DID tell us it was because of us. Very very rarely does the WS accept responsibility for their decision to leave. It is easier for someone to leave if they vilify the other partner. Especially mine!

 

After 11 years, my ex came home one day and said he wanted a divorce and left the next day! He NEVER said a word prior about his unhappiness. He also told me that all I did was take and take and all he's done is give and give and that I was an evil person that hurts people. And that if I don't smarten up, karma will catch up to me and punish me. He also said that he never wanted to get married and that he never loved me, but that he felt sorry for me and was worried what people would think of him for leaving. For 11 YEARS, he never said a single thing to anyone about his unhappiness, and in one single night, he was GONE.

 

I truly understand the mind **** you are going through. It does NOT make ANY sense to be with someone for so long and then just puff, gone, overnight, not even a chance to work things out. I was messed up for quite some time. I had his voice repeating over and over in my head every single day for a quite a while.

 

I slowly decided that his words really did not make ANY logical sense, and that if I wanted closure, I needed to seek my own reasons why it ended. It took a lot of soul searching, but I know why my exh left. It had absolutely NOTHING to do with what he said. I know I was suffering from low self esteem. I know I was suffering from depression (partly caused by our interactions within the marriage). And because of that, we had an unsatisfying sex life. Acknowledging that, was a hard pill to swallow and I am embarrassed about it. But THIS is why he left. This makes sense to me. I also know why I was not interested in sex. Due to the depression and low self esteem, and due to his lack of affection towards me increased my depression and low self esteem, which decreased my interest in sex. It was a vicious cycle. The more I got depressed, the more I lost interest in sex, the more he felt rejected and became hurt, the more he withdrew his affection, which affected my depression and self esteem.

 

I know I am not an evil person. I know I am not a selfish person. And I know I sacrificed a LOT in our marriage and I gave just as much as he did. And I know this about you too!

 

I do not believe you are a mean person and I do not believe you have the opinion that you think we all deserve this heartache. But if you do not believe that about us, WHY won't you show yourself the same affection? If you can show compassion to complete strangers on the Internet, why would you be so mean spirited and hateful towards yourself?

 

 

 

 

Have you ever contemplated the thought that maybe God wanted you out of a toxic relationship? That he is giving you the chance to become independent and allow yourself to love yourself the way you should? The way your mother and your ex never did? And the reason you are hurting so much is because you refuse to love yourself?

 

dgiirl isn't just any poster. She and I go way, way, way back! Back into the day when I first joined LS. She was still caught up in her "Troubles" with the then STBX.

 

She's come a long, long, long way from where she was to where she's at!

 

(Wish LadyJane was still around!)

 

Back in tha' day both of us were basket cases! Yes just like you Lisa. (Personally I think I may still be one? I'm still crazy! But its kept me from going insane!

 

BUT! You've got to let go of this concept that you personally were 100% responsible for the failure of the relationship!

 

Quit beating yourself up!

 

BTW? That's a function of high intellegenc and logic.

Edited February 22, 2010 by Gunny376

[LonelyTiger]

please someone, anyone. please just make this stop

 

{{{{Lisa}}}} Big hugs to you Lisa.

 

Please believe me, I FEEL your pain, we all FEEL your pain.

 

I have been following your story almost from the beginning but have never responded directly to your posts because I felt anything I said would be inadequate. But this one post of yours has compelled me to speak to you.

 

Six months ago, I lay alone on my bed, racked with sobs and shouted out those exact words, thinking there was nobody in the world who could hear me or understand my pain. I wanted to die Lisa, I posted on here that I wanted to die. I couldn't see any point in living. The feeling of loss and emptiness was unbearable.

 

I met my husband when I was 7 years old and he was 8. He was my best friend for 37 years. He was the love of my life and the whole world believed we were made for each other. We were together as a couple for 14 years. Then 18 months ago he left me.

 

Stupidly, I didn't realise he'd left me, at least not in that sense. I actually thought he was going to work abroad for a couple of years, he kept me waiting for him for nearly a year and finally admitted in June last year that he didn't love me anymore and he didn't want to come home. And guess what Lisa - it was because of me!!! He was blameless of course (I thought) a lovely man who had tolerated me for as long as he could.

 

The whole fabric of my universe was torn apart. My brain refused to accept that he was gone and I thought my life was over.

 

Fast forward to now Lisa. I'm 45 and my life is just beginning.

 

That's just my story Lisa, but there are millions of others the world over, just like it.

 

Some people may tell you that you will 'get over' him. I'm not sure about that. I haven't 'got over' my husband and I don't want to. We have a lifetime of history together. What I have done is put that part of my life in a comfortable place inside me, where I can choose to remember the good times and smile, or I can choose to remember the bad times and learn from them. You will find what works best for you when the time is right.

 

You think that nobody understands but the truth is, WE ALL UNDERSTAND. I'd bet that every single one of us responding to your post, and hundreds of others besides, is feeling and understanding your pain.

 

Lisa, if you want to recover from this you will. Grieve for as long as you need to, but know when the time is right to pick yourself up and carry on. Everybody here on LS will continue to support you for as long as you need it or want it.

 

You have already said the pain is much less raw than it was 12 months ago. It will continue to subside as time goes on. You are a strong woman and you will survive this.

 

Everything happens for a reason Lisa. You are young, you have time on your side and, even if you don't believe it now, there is a wonderful new life out there for you, when you are ready.

 

{{{{LISA}}}}

[FeelingLonely98]

But Lisa, our exes DID tell us it was because of us. Very very rarely does the WS accept responsibility for their decision to leave. It is easier for someone to leave if they vilify the other partner. Especially mine!

 

After 11 years, my ex came home one day and said he wanted a divorce and left the next day! He NEVER said a word prior about his unhappiness. He also told me that all I did was take and take and all he's done is give and give and that I was an evil person that hurts people. And that if I don't smarten up, karma will catch up to me and punish me. He also said that he never wanted to get married and that he never loved me, but that he felt sorry for me and was worried what people would think of him for leaving. For 11 YEARS, he never said a single thing to anyone about his unhappiness, and in one single night, he was GONE.

 

I stand in awe of this post. There are truly some deep, meaningful things being written here on LS and this is a shining example. Reading this is both therapeutic and enlightening. Thank you dgiirl; this is very good work.

 

Lisa, my story is different, but it ends up being the same...

 

Lisa - I will not post much more here other than to tell you how my story parallels these ... and yours.

 

XW last summer blindsides me with "ILYBINILWY" and "I want a D". States the reasons ... all my fault. Says she would leave that very moment except she is unemployed and has no money and can not tell her Mother. One week later I discover she has been having an A. She lies about it but eventually comes clean. The she lies to me and says she will try to "work this out". (I later presume she did this because she had nowhere to go) In the next four days we go to 2 therapy sessions and do many things together. She was there but she was not there emotionally (cold, distant, ...) - if you know what I mean. Four days in to the work it out phase she packs her stuff and leaves. She would have never contacted me again from that moment on if she had her way. I reached out to her a few times after and she basically had nothing to say. I filed for D. We had to meet a few times to discuss paperwork. But it always business like on her end. No feelings, no sympathy, no emotion, ... D is final now.

Like dgiirl - my XW totally blindsided me, I had NO clue of her unhappiness. Consequently, I felt I must have been a horrible H. How could I not have seen it coming. I should have fixed it long ago. It is my fault. All thoughts revolved around me and what I did wrong ... but it wasn't me and what I did. It was her and what she did - AND what was going on in my head.

I am happy to be moving on now ... but for a long time I totally blamed myself, could not get a grip on my feelings, thought I would never get better, and though I never thought I didn't want to live I did feel like I was not really living ... It did get better for me. I will probably never be 100% healed but I am way better now.

{{{{{{Lisa}}}}}}

[worldgirl]

please someone, anyone. please just make this stop

 

 

Dear Lisa, it is your feelings, of course you're right, and it's just far too soon for anything about standards, positive attitudes and all that self-help stuff.

 

So please get some professional help pronto. Never mind waiting lists, call the NHS crisis team in your town - this is for severe mental distress, breakdowns etc and I believe they come out fast. Don't suffer alone and don't let friends, relatives etc give their opinions on how you should act. Severe grief, mental torment is just that and it's not for anyone else to say what you're experiencing

 

Tell the crisis team exactly what you've told this board, and if you're too desperate to wait even a few hours, call the Samaritans in the meantime. I have several times after I was deserted, and they deal with all sorts of distress.

 

Please at least consider this option, sweetie. We may not know you, but we're with you.

[LisaUk]

Thank you everyone who is taking the time to post to me.

 

I just cannot seem to pull myself out of this dark hole, I don't think I have ever been this depressed and I had a stomach illness for 6 years which made me violently ill 6 - 12 times a day, but the depression from this is worse. Most days I think about suicide serveral times, I just can't see the point in carrying on, my life is empty without him and I don't want this. I know none of you do either and that I should try to pull myself up, but I just can't fight anymore.

 

Please no one worry, I am not going to harm myself, Worldgirl I cannot call anyone, my living situation is difficult and it would make matters worse. I am going to try and get some counselling at uni over the summer if I can. I know people have said this is more important than my law exams, but right now my only ticket to getting out of this house is getting those exams and no matter how bad I am feeling, I will have to live with it until I can find the time to deal with this. Until then I will just have to suffer.

 

To be honest though, I don't really see what counselling is going to achieve, unless they have a magic wand and can bring him home to me then nothing I say or do there is going to help. Worldgirl is right, this is not a learning opportunity, it's a b****y devastation. Yes, I know I should take it as an opprortunity to grow, but it isn't is it, it's a never ending nightmare.

 

Someone posted that maybe God wanted me out of a toxic relationship. My relationship wasn't toxic, my ex was not a narrcisitic a****** like some that are described on here. He was a wonderful, generous, caring person, in fact he was nothing like my mum, he always allowed me to be who I am, that's one of the reasons I loved him so much. In answer to an earlier question, no I did not go with him to get away from home, I loved him, I still do.

 

I beleive that we are meant to be part of a marriage, one person for life. I have been told that is an antiquated notion, maybe it is, but it is how I feel, if I met someone now it is too late, it is already done. He was my one and now he is gone. Besides, I could not be with someone who can be intimate with many different people, how do people feel comfortable knowing that their partner has been intimate with someone else? I just can't do it.

 

I was very unsure about posting this post, I don't think anyone really understands in today's day and age where I am coming from here or how I feel about this, a couple have friends have gotten very angry with me about it, but this is a real issue for me, my ex leaving has left me in a very difficult situation and I don't know what to do about this.

[LonelyTiger]

Lisa, if you have made a decision that you do not want another partner for the rest of your life, then so be it. That decision is yours. It seems you are determined not to be swayed. You're right that most people wouldn't make that choice but it's your life.

 

If you reach a point where you are giving up on life, then you need to see your doctor and get some antidepressants to get you out of that dark hole. Whatever you think now, this nightmare is not never ending. I have been in that dark hole Lisa - or one very similar. There is a way out. There is light for you to find.

 

I suspect that you can already see the light though because, if you are putting your law exams before your mental health then clearly you still have hope for your future. However bad you are feeling you are still fighting. Good for you.

 

Counselling, CBT, NLP, psychotherapy will all help you to find the light if you really can't see it. I believe you do see a chink though, otherwise, why would you keep posting on here?

[LonelyTiger]

Just one question Lisa.

 

If your ex 'was' (your word) a wonderful, generous, caring person, how come he lied to you for 18 years about his feelings for you, then laid all the guilt on you for his not being happy, then disappeared totally from your life, leaving you alone and an emotional wreck, and how come he has never apologised or even bothered to contact you to check up on how you're doing?

 

Forgive me Lisa, if I've got any of that wrong, but wonderful, generous, caring people don't behave like that. Not in my world anyway.

[LisaUk]

Lisa, if you have made a decision that you do not want another partner for the rest of your life, then so be it. That decision is yours. It seems you are determined not to be swayed. You're right that most people wouldn't make that choice but it's your life.

That is not what I meant, I am asking for help with my feelings about this, of course I don't wnat to be alone the rest of my life, but b/c of how it feels to me when I think about the fact that I will have to be intimate with someone who has been intimate with others (my ex was my one and only and I his as well), I start to panic, this isn't me just being difficult this is a real problem for me and I was asking for advice from someone who has been in the same position, then again, maybe no one has been in this day and age?

 

If you reach a point where you are giving up on life, then you need to see your doctor and get some antidepressants to get you out of that dark hole. Whatever you think now, this nightmare is not never ending. I have been in that dark hole Lisa - or one very similar. There is a way out. There is light for you to find.

 

I suspect that you can already see the light though because, if you are putting your law exams before your mental health then clearly you still have hope for your future. However bad you are feeling you are still fighting. Good for you.Not a light, just the way out of the house that I currently share with my emotionally abusive mother. The house where my every move is controlled, where I go, who I see, how I spend my money, who I talk to on the phone, what I eat and drink and when, seriously, I am not kidding, I am 34 years old and I am told what to eat and when. Of course I am trying to get out of this house, it's survival, I have two choices, live and try to get out of here, or kill myself. The law degree I am doing is very intense (it's an undergrad in 9 months), it's a matter of priority, I can not sort out my emotional problems and pass my exams, so which would you choose? Would you choose to spend your time on counselling and remain in an abusive enviroment or get your exams passed so you get out of the abusive enviroment and then deal with your emotional issues? It's one or the other, both is not possible.

 

Counselling, CBT, NLP, psychotherapy will all help you to find the light if you really can't see it. I believe you do see a chink though, otherwise, why would you keep posting on here?

 

I keep posting here hoping someone will have a magic cure all, stupid I know, perhaps I should just give up.

Edited February 22, 2010 by LisaUk

[Brightmoon]

There is no magic cure all Lisa.

 

He is out of your life.

 

Things don't always work out that you get to stay with the person you love.

 

What now?

[LisaUk]

Just one question Lisa.

 

If your ex 'was' (your word) a wonderful, generous, caring person, how come he lied to you for 18 years about his feelings for you, then laid all the guilt on you for his not being happy, then disappeared totally from your life, leaving you alone and an emotional wreck, and how come he has never apologised or even bothered to contact you to check up on how you're doing?

 

Forgive me Lisa, if I've got any of that wrong, but wonderful, generous, caring people don't behave like that. Not in my world anyway.

 

He did apolgize, said he was sorry he has hurt me. He also changed the time he was unahppy, went from 3 years, to 6 years, to 8 years, to 18 years, to 6 months and back again. A lot of his reasons were contradictory which is why I have had and am having a hard time making sense of it all.

 

Why has he never contacted me? I don't know. Perhaps he doesn't give a s**t about me, perhaps he is a coward and can not face what he has done, perhaps he is just selfish and hasn't given me a second thought. Perhaps he is CP and cannot physically face me. Who knows, I don't, but I know he was/IS a good person, I sent 18 years with him I think I would have known if he wasn't.

[LisaUk]

There is no magic cure all Lisa.

 

He is out of your life.

 

Things don't always work out that you get to stay with the person you love.

 

What now?

 

My thoughts exactly Brightmoon. That is why I am so depressed, b/c I have other issues that are preventing me from moving on as well, like the intimacy question I asked about, but no one seems to understand what I am talking about or why I am talking about it. I guess I stand alone.

[LonelyTiger]

Lisa, when my husband told me he didn't love me anymore I almost chose to kill myself!

 

Fortunately for me I wasn't motivated enough to make the effort. I couldn't get out of bed, let alone go to work, college or anywhere else.

 

So you are way ahead of where I was back then.

 

Be proud of yourself. You are choosing to survive, you've said so yourself. You are proving how strong you are.

 

It's not stupid to wish for a magic cure all and you should never give up.

 

When you are ready to talk to a counsellor or therapist, perhaps the way you feel about being intimate with a new man is one of the first things you might like to work on? Nobody has suggested you are being difficult, not on here anyway. That's a tough thing for you to deal with.

 

Give yourself a break Lisa, you're doing ok.

[Brightmoon]

My thoughts exactly Brightmoon. That is why I am so depressed, b/c I have other issues that are preventing me from moving on as well, like the intimacy question I asked about, but no one seems to understand what I am talking about or why I am talking about it. I guess I stand alone.

 

I wish I could give you a hug Lisa...

 

Yes you do stand alone and BUT you are not alone.

 

We here on LS may or may not understand or even agree on your stance on the intimacy issue... but that does not matter..

Right now you need to talk as much as you want.. what ever you want to say.. questions.. rages.. anguish.. pain. We are here while you go through that. Regardless of who we are grieve over and how it happened...and related issues, most us know the searing, suffocating pain that you feel now.. WE ARE HERE... with you.

 

However you choose to live your life... there is LIFE beyond this Lisa.. I promise you..

 

((((((as many hugs as you need)))))

[LonelyTiger]

I'm sure he is a good person Lisa, he's just behaved very badly.

 

It's interesting that this is the first time on LS that you have knocked him off his pedestal - as far as I can recall?

 

He did apolgize, said he was sorry he has hurt me. He also changed the time he was unahppy, went from 3 years, to 6 years, to 8 years, to 18 years, to 6 months and back again. A lot of his reasons were contradictory which is why I have had and am having a hard time making sense of it all.

 

Why has he never contacted me? I don't know. Perhaps he doesn't give a s**t about me, perhaps he is a coward and can not face what he has done, perhaps he is just selfish and hasn't given me a second thought. Perhaps he is CP and cannot physically face me. Who knows, I don't, but I know he was/IS a good person, I sent 18 years with him I think I would have known if he wasn't.

[Brightmoon]

Totally agree Tiger... with everything you have said..

[LisaUk]

Thanks Brightmoon.

 

I don't belive this, I just got an e-mail from a creepy guy on my course (some of the others have said he has stalked them), he is very odd. He keeps mailing me telling me how depressed he is in his life and asking me to help him with the exams, I have tried to tell him I have my own problems and pointed him in the counselling services direction. I feel bad, b/c I know what it feels like to be so depressed, but he is very strange, he makes me feel very uncomfortable. What do I do? I just can't handle my own problems right now, why will this guy not leave me be?

[LonelyTiger]

Wow, not what you need right now. Maybe he senses that you will understand what he's going through?

 

I always think honesty is the best policy Lisa.

 

Tell him again that you have enough to deal with yourself right now and he really should be seeking professional help. If necessary, you can ask him directly to leave you alone. If that doesn't work you can report him to the law school. There's also the option of an official looking letter on legal letterhead! Hopefully you won't need to go that far.

 

 

Thanks Brightmoon.

 

I don't belive this, I just got an e-mail from a creepy guy on my course (some of the others have said he has stalked them), he is very odd. He keeps mailing me telling me how depressed he is in his life and asking me to help him with the exams, I have tried to tell him I have my own problems and pointed him in the counselling services direction. I feel bad, b/c I know what it feels like to be so depressed, but he is very strange, he makes me feel very uncomfortable. What do I do? I just can't handle my own problems right now, why will this guy not leave me be?