As much as I ever did

[BearMox]

Thanks for sharing Lisa. You fierce love is encouraging to me in a time when I have no faith in women.

 

Is it better to have not known your great love?

 

You will find out soon enough that that your happiness can not depend on someone or some thing.

[aimchase]

Well Aim, thanks for the offer! I doubt it to given the difference in waiting times. I don't really want to say on the forum where I am, but I am near the sea!

 

Uh-oh! So am I! About two miles away from it! Still doubt it's close though!

 

South, East or West? (assuming you're not in Scotland)

[worldgirl]

 

A friend said to be the other day that I was 50% to blame. I didn't respond, but how? HOW? am I 50% to blame for him leaving when he did not even express that he was unhappy and told me he had DELIBERATELY kept it hidden from me for years. I am supposed to be able to read minds? What chance did I have when he was keeping his feelings from me and lying to me? Should I have known? Did I miss something? All I ever did was love him with all my heart and soul and he choose to throw that back at me like it was worthless, like I am worthless. Maybe I am to blame for him going, but I could not have known his unhappiness and if I had i would have done anything to make it right. How can you know someone is unhappy when they are planning a wedding with you for ***** sake?[/QUOTE]

 

Lisa, it's just modern cliche that there are always two to blame. You can't read minds, exactly, and if someone has a problem and chooses to be silent and passive-aggressive about it until they explode, what can you do? In my case, my counsellor has heard all the details and tells me: "This really isn't about you or the marriage. It's about him."

 

Reading more about your very sad story, why not take a look at a site called Runawayhusbands.com. This deals with sudden wife abandonment syndrome, an uncommmon but extremely distressing tragedy when a longterm partner walks out with almost no warning and then seems to reinvent the past so that things were allegedly terrible for years.

 

There is a book just coming out about it (I ordered one - I need it!) Since I was suddenly deserted after 28 years with no warning, I felt much of it applied to me and it seems even more so to you, as my husband simply chooses not to speak of our life together, either by email or in rare phone calls. He isn't reinventing it, as least not yet.

 

If you look up this syndrome or it's sometimes called "spousal abandonment" (happens to men, too, though less often), there are a couple of other really interesting things about it online. A therapist in California has an article at the link http://www.nlpls.com/faq/spec/spousalAbandonment.php.

[tojaz]

 

 

If you look up this syndrome or it's sometimes called "spousal abandonment" (happens to men, too, though less often), there are a couple of other really interesting things about it online. A therapist in California has an article at the link http://www.nlpls.com/faq/spec/spousalAbandonment.php.

<Raising hand from back of room>

thanks for th link worldgirl

[tojaz]

This is from worldgirls link, think this applies to a lot of people here.

 

Spousal abandonment occurs when a marriage breakup is initiated by one partner (the leaver) suddenly, without just cause, and without warning as perceived by the other partner (the leavee). Often these marriages are long term (10 or more years) and have every outward appearance of having a long and happy future ahead of them. Before the breakup, the leavee together with friends and family may consider the marriage to be generally normal and perhaps even exceptionally happy. Such breakups are also known as "sudden endings." Unfortunately they are becoming more and more common for reasons sociologists are not yet able to explain.

Since marriage involves multiple dimensions -- identity, trust, family, spirituality, community and law in addition to expectations about the future, dreams, planning and investments both emotional and financial -- suddenly abandoned spouses sometimes describe their loss as being even more painful than the death of a loved one. Sudden abandonment without just cause involves a leaver's deceit, betrayal, the breaking of solemn vows, a lack of concern for the welfare of the leavee, and most frequently a lack of remorse. Abandoned spouses grieve deeply and experience a range of emotions including anger, loss of trust, fear, anxiety and depression over long periods of time. The timeline for "leavees" to heal from sudden endings is typically longer than that for mutual breakups, and many times longer than the readjustment time needed by "leavers."

Support for suddenly abandoned spouses is severely lacking in society at large and in the psychological help community. The depth and complexity of injury is frequently underestimated by friends, family and helping professionals who may not understand that abandoned spouses have a great deal more to handle than either the abandoning spouse or partners of a mutual marriage breakup. Not infrequently, the hurt is compounded by the misguided blame of children and other family members who view the "leaver" as a type of "winner" while the "leavee" is considered a type of "loser" who is therefore, somehow, more at fault for the breakup. People whom the abandoned spouse previously considered mutual friends during the marriage often abandon the "leavee," as well, as if they don't want to catch some sort of communicable "loser" disease, thus compounding the emotional pain. Many married couples are reluctant even to acknowledge that a sudden ending could be possible without guilt by both parties.

While good friends, family and even churches can offer support for a time, most abandoned spouses find themselves continuing to have trouble over a period of years while receiving "advice" which is both unhelpful and inappropriate -- such as, "It's time to just get over it. You've got to move on with your life," or, "You must have done something. After all, it takes two to break up a marriage," or, "There are always two sides to a story."

In fact, it does take two to make a marriage work. But it only takes one to destroy it. It's not that poor advice or contextually demeaning platitudes are badly intended; it's just that most people don't understand the depth, scope or complexity of such an event and, in any case, are neither in a position to offer sustained or effective help nor possess the necessary skills and experience.

[broken hearted]

Wow! Right on!!

[LonelyTiger]

Wow! Right on!!

 

I'll second that!!!

[FeelingLonely98]

This is from worldgirls link, think this applies to a lot of people here.

Spousal abandonment occurs when a marriage breakup is initiated by one partner (the leaver) suddenly, without just cause, and without warning as perceived by the other partner (the leavee). Often these marriages are long term (10 or more years) and have every outward appearance of having a long and happy future ahead of them. Before the breakup, the leavee together with friends and family may consider the marriage to be generally normal and perhaps even exceptionally happy. Such breakups are also known as "sudden endings." Unfortunately they are becoming more and more common for reasons sociologists are not yet able to explain.

Since marriage involves multiple dimensions -- identity, trust, family, spirituality, community and law in addition to expectations about the future, dreams, planning and investments both emotional and financial -- suddenly abandoned spouses sometimes describe their loss as being even more painful than the death of a loved one. Sudden abandonment without just cause involves a leaver's deceit, betrayal, the breaking of solemn vows, a lack of concern for the welfare of the leavee, and most frequently a lack of remorse. Abandoned spouses grieve deeply and experience a range of emotions including anger, loss of trust, fear, anxiety and depression over long periods of time. The timeline for "leavees" to heal from sudden endings is typically longer than that for mutual breakups, and many times longer than the readjustment time needed by "leavers."

Support for suddenly abandoned spouses is severely lacking in society at large and in the psychological help community. The depth and complexity of injury is frequently underestimated by friends, family and helping professionals who may not understand that abandoned spouses have a great deal more to handle than either the abandoning spouse or partners of a mutual marriage breakup. Not infrequently, the hurt is compounded by the misguided blame of children and other family members who view the "leaver" as a type of "winner" while the "leavee" is considered a type of "loser" who is therefore, somehow, more at fault for the breakup. People whom the abandoned spouse previously considered mutual friends during the marriage often abandon the "leavee," as well, as if they don't want to catch some sort of communicable "loser" disease, thus compounding the emotional pain. Many married couples are reluctant even to acknowledge that a sudden ending could be possible without guilt by both parties.

While good friends, family and even churches can offer support for a time, most abandoned spouses find themselves continuing to have trouble over a period of years while receiving "advice" which is both unhelpful and inappropriate -- such as, "It's time to just get over it. You've got to move on with your life," or, "You must have done something. After all, it takes two to break up a marriage," or, "There are always two sides to a story."

ALL of the above in BOLD feel like it was written 100% about my M and D with my XW.

 

In fact, it takes two to make a marriage work. But it only takes one to destroy it. It's not that poor advice or contextually demeaning platitudes are badly intended; it's just that most people don't understand the depth, scope or complexity of such an event and, in any case, are neither in a position to offer sustained or effective help nor possess the necessary skills and experience.

 

I say "RIGHT ON" too!

[LisaUk]

Lisa

 

As Tojaz said a couple of posts back, he knew what to say and when to say it to make you hurt the worst. Simply he blindsided you, stabbed you in the back, gave the knife several twists, and when you asked why, his reply was "You're the problem", and left you in the limbo that you are in. In short he gave you no reason for the break up, other than to try and lay a guilt trip on you. Agreed, but why? What did I do to deserve that?

 

Nothing. People rarely "get what they deserve", mostly because that comes from an entitlement standpoint". People who are wronged also "don't deserve what they get". Bad things happen to good people. People are robbed, murdered, and raped every day. They didn't deserve that to happen, yet it did. What matters not is what happened, but how we react, deal with it, and move forward in whatever fashion we choose. You may never get the answer "why", because they would actually have to sit through a period of introspection, be honest with themselves first and THEN be honest with you. Not something you can expect from someone who up and vanishes like a fart in the wind. Thats sometimes the hardest pill to swallow. Focus on what you can know, learn, and react to. Those tangibles will keep you grounded instead of trying to pull some coherent theory out of that gobbledygook he calls a brain.

 

I know you are right Mikey, I will never know "why" yet I cannot let it go, not sure why I can't.

 

Thanks for sharing Lisa. You fierce love is encouraging to me in a time when I have no faith in women.

 

Is it better to have not known your great love?

 

You will find out soon enough that that your happiness can not depend on someone or some thing.

 

Do I wish I had never met him? Not sure, don't think so, but I do often think how selfish he was to keep me so long, if he didn't wnat me why not let me go years ago and I could have given my love to someone else. Instead he kept me and used me for his own reasons, whatever those were, not love according to him.

 

Uh-oh! So am I! About two miles away from it! Still doubt it's close though!

 

South, East or West? (assuming you're not in Scotland)

 

South-west, but don't worry Aim, I sense from the uh oh! I won't hold you to it! LOL

 

 

A friend said to be the other day that I was 50% to blame. I didn't respond, but how? HOW? am I 50% to blame for him leaving when he did not even express that he was unhappy and told me he had DELIBERATELY kept it hidden from me for years. I am supposed to be able to read minds? What chance did I have when he was keeping his feelings from me and lying to me? Should I have known? Did I miss something? All I ever did was love him with all my heart and soul and he choose to throw that back at me like it was worthless, like I am worthless. Maybe I am to blame for him going, but I could not have known his unhappiness and if I had i would have done anything to make it right. How can you know someone is unhappy when they are planning a wedding with you for ***** sake?[/QUOTE]

 

Lisa, it's just modern cliche that there are always two to blame. You can't read minds, exactly, and if someone has a problem and chooses to be silent and passive-aggressive about it until they explode, what can you do? In my case, my counsellor has heard all the details and tells me: "This really isn't about you or the marriage. It's about him."

 

Reading more about your very sad story, why not take a look at a site called Runawayhusbands.com. This deals with sudden wife abandonment syndrome, an uncommmon but extremely distressing tragedy when a longterm partner walks out with almost no warning and then seems to reinvent the past so that things were allegedly terrible for years.

 

There is a book just coming out about it (I ordered one - I need it!) Since I was suddenly deserted after 28 years with no warning, I felt much of it applied to me and it seems even more so to you, as my husband simply chooses not to speak of our life together, either by email or in rare phone calls. He isn't reinventing it, as least not yet.

 

If you look up this syndrome or it's sometimes called "spousal abandonment" (happens to men, too, though less often), there are a couple of other really interesting things about it online. A therapist in California has an article at the link http://www.nlpls.com/faq/spec/spousalAbandonment.php.

 

Thanks Worldgirl, someone posted Viki's site to me a while back and I found it helpful. For some reason though I am scared to read the book? Not sure why, I think I am terrified to find out I should have seen this coming and that he never loved me? All those memories were make believe, yet I often wonder if they were anyway.

[sumdude]

ALL of the above in BOLD feel like it was written 100% about my M and D with my XW.

 

 

 

I say "RIGHT ON" too!

 

Yeah that about sums it up for me too. She moved out one day while I was at work, no warning. We were having some problems yes... but I had no idea it was coming until some suspicion the last week and I panicked. Looking back now the deceit must have started at least six months earlier. I was clueless and still mourning my mothers passing.

 

I don't care how strong an individual you are. When it happens to you your self-image, self-esteem, ability to trust and even your sense of reality can go out the window for a while. Only someone who has been through it gets it.

 

Three years later and every once in a while I'm still picking up some puzzle pieces of my life that was shattered and wondering where and if they belong. It's a process you have to go through and sometimes you just have to push yourself through it.

[aimchase]

South-west, but don't worry Aim, I sense from the uh oh! I won't hold you to it! LOL

 

Lol, you're bloody miles away! Other end of the country, almost!

[LisaUk]

Lol, you're bloody miles away! Other end of the country, almost!

 

Ah well, such is life! hey ho! LOL:laugh:

[aimchase]

Posted this on my own thread by mistake. Better here..........

 

You know what Lisa? I thought about this. You still want him because you never closed the book. He did, but you didn't.

 

I bet you anything you like that if your wish was desired and he turned up at your door and said, 'i'm back', you'd feel absolutely nothing like you think you would at this moment in time. You'd be confused, angry, and would probably give him a darn good slap!

 

You still struggle to come to terms with this and i'm convinced that this is where it all lies. You're needing the closure, because questions are just unanswered. But you have to look beyond that and understand that what you had isn't there anymore.

 

We all do it (I have!). You split from the ex, then reminisce on the fantastic times you had together and think 'well why can't we be like that again, what's stopping us?', but life moves on and changes people. They are great memories but even if the settings were perfect to reenact the past, it wouldn't happen.

 

But if we could all realise that so easily, we'd move on a lot easier as well. That's half the challenge in our minds.

[LisaUk]

Thanks, I saw it and just posted on your thread, think we crossed posted!

 

Here it is-

I'm guessing that you were aware that your wife was becoming distant with you or that there were problems in your M for some time before she left? I'm guesing this b/c of the way you say you have reminised and that people change and move on, I don't have any memories of my relationship for the last 18 years b/c my ex stole them from me when he left without warning and re-wrote our life together, he lied so much I no longer what was real and true and what wasn't. One minute we were happy and planning our wedding (and I mean planning, as in talking with parents drawing up guest lists, walking round the church discussing hymms with the vicar, wedding venues, he's giving ideas for photos, table plans etc, telling me how much he b****y loves me), the next, GONE. I literally was in bed one Saturday morning and he came in and said "so do you still want to go to *******for the day?" "Yeah, I'll get up" HIM "I want us to break up, I haven't loved you in years" packed a bag and left 30 mins later. What we had was there right up until the minute he left and I don't understand where it went b/c we were not having problems, we weren't fighting, he wasn't distant etc and I've looked for the red flags since and they were not there.

 

Anyway, sorry I am hijacking your thread, bit of rant there.

Edited February 26, 2010 by LisaUk

[LisaUk]

Well, here is my horoscope for this week, specifically my love horoscope Libra-

 

Have you angered the gods? Have you inadvertently incurred the curse of some powerful fairy by trampling on their tiny home? Were you, in some previously lifetime, the leader of a cruel army? Frankly, even if you were, you are entitled to be told about the sins for which you are seemingly being punished. The absence of such an explanation is an indication that you have committed no crime. Nor, really, have you done anything to upset a particular person who is now giving you more of a hard time than you deserve. Don't feel bad; feel hopeful. Justice will yet be done and good outcomes will yet ensue.

 

Hmmmm, yes just WHAT exactly did I do for my ex to leave me? Oh yes that's right I wouldn't let him get a motorbike. Of course, how silly of me not to realise that that is a valid and totally understandable reason to totally disreagard 18 years together and put me on the street with no job! Duh!

 

Tojaz, I know you like to read your horoscope so seeing as how mine are so freaky today here's yours

Cancer-

You are not strong enough to complete a task single-handed. You need more understanding and co-operation. You won't get this, though, unless you request it. A classic Cancerian self-defence mechanism involves pretending to be fine, even when you sorely need support. You are so good at this that you don't always know when you are doing it. Your current air of confidence and self-sufficiency is causing others to imagine you are unapproachable. Confess your vulnerability. This will not disempower you. It will enable someone who is 'holding back' to step forward. Give them a chance to reach into your life and your heart.

[tojaz]

Well, here is my horoscope for this week, specifically my love horoscope Libra-

 

Have you angered the gods? Have you inadvertently incurred the curse of some powerful fairy by trampling on their tiny home? Were you, in some previously lifetime, the leader of a cruel army? Frankly, even if you were, you are entitled to be told about the sins for which you are seemingly being punished. The absence of such an explanation is an indication that you have committed no crime. Nor, really, have you done anything to upset a particular person who is now giving you more of a hard time than you deserve. Don't feel bad; feel hopeful. Justice will yet be done and good outcomes will yet ensue.

 

Hmmmm, yes just WHAT exactly did I do for my ex to leave me? Oh yes that's right I wouldn't let him get a motorbike. Of course, how silly of me not to realise that that is a valid and totally understandable reason to totally disreagard 18 years together and put me on the street with no job! Duh!

 

Justice will yet be done and good outcomes will yet ensue.

Keep that in mind Lis. WHile he has been a terror to you, you have done your best to remain true and respectful. I do believe in karma and believe me, he will get his in the end. It will all start when he realizes what an amazing woman he lost and has to live with the fact that some incredibly lucky man is benefiting from the worst mistake of his life.

 

Tojaz, I know you like to read your horoscope so seeing as how mine are so freaky today here's yours

Cancer-

You are not strong enough to complete a task single-handed. You need more understanding and co-operation. You won't get this, though, unless you request it. A classic Cancerian self-defence mechanism involves pretending to be fine, even when you sorely need support. You are so good at this that you don't always know when you are doing it. Your current air of confidence and self-sufficiency is causing others to imagine you are unapproachable. Confess your vulnerability. This will not disempower you. It will enable someone who is 'holding back' to step forward. Give them a chance to reach into your life and your heart.

 

Thank you my dear. I guess its the fake it till you make it bit. I'm doing pretty well I think but could always use a little help and still have my moments. So yes, I'm as vulnerable as the next person here even now. It takes time and support but we all will get there.

 

....and if someone wants to step forward, Ladies first. LOL

TOJAZ

[tojaz]

Heres yours from the US Lis. Not quite as deep.

 

Prosperity is just around the corner, Libra, if it isn’t here already. All your efforts are about to pay off and in a big way. It may be that a big proposal gets accepted at work, or perhaps a manuscript that you've penned lands you a publisher. Your innate talent and good fortune combine to bring wonderful things your way. Enjoy this welcome change of events!

 

 

and for love.....

 

 

Up until today, you and your lover were competing with each other. Today you need to stop competing and become more of a team. This can help you feel more secure. You've never had feelings like this, so you're about to take an important step forward in your relationship.

 

Still sounds promising. You deserve it!!:bunny:

TOJAZ

[LisaUk]

Very, very depressed again this weekend. Perhaps I am depressed all the time it just gets masked with school work during the week. I miss him. I can't stand this, I can't get him out of my head and I can't study and I need to study exams coming up. I just sit there staring at my notes thinking about him. What's he doing? How could he do this? Why did he do this? Does he not miss me at all and if not why not, we spent a long time together? Round and round and round we go...I'm in hell. Maybe that's it, perhaps we all died and actually what happened is we are all in hell but we don't know it.

[aimchase]

Lisa - ping me an email. I just made up an old hotmail account (it's not my real one).

 

[email protected]

 

Don't worry, i'm not some raving loon. I just want to ask you something.

 

Aim

[karnak]

I can't get him out of my head and I can't study and I need to study exams coming up. I just sit there staring at my notes thinking about him.

 

Failing your exams won't bring him back.

Study. In the end you'll be proud of yourself.

I am in the same situation as you. But we have to live our life.

If you stopped eating and you died of starvation, you'd never have your boyfriend back... you'd be dead when he returned.

[LisaUk]

I hate him.

[Gunny376]

I hate him.

 

Good! We were all wondering when you would get there! Now you can move on to acceptance and get busy getting busy with living your life to its fullest potential and to its top!

 

Now you can move forward and onward with yourself and your life and find something that is worthy and deserving of your love and all have to offer. (Me? )

 

You already know what your lookng for in a mate, but all the more important is that now you know what your not looking for in one!

[BB07]

Things happen in this life that we do not understand the whys of. We wonder if we did something to deserve the hell that is sometimes thrown our way. We ask is this justice for that terrible thing I done way back in 19XX. We get beat down, brought to our knees and cry out to our God above for help and healing. Sometimes it comes in ways unexpected, sometimes it seems it is never going to come at all. Life is sometimes dark and the sun does not shine and we lose our joy in the simple things, we grieve, we fight, we pray, we bargain, eventually comes acceptance and forgiveness. We either come to this conclusion alone or with help from our God, but it comes and then we have to pick our arse off the floor and get on with it. We have to look outside ourselves and know that there are just some things that we'll never know the answers to, that's just the way it is. We will never have some of our questions answered in this life.

 

We are here to live, breathe, and to enjoy every moment that it's possible to enjoy. To remember those good moments makes the bad ones lots more bearable. We have a responsiblity to ourselves and that is to not wallow in our pain, it's makes us sick, it destroys us. Feel it, grieve it, then move past it. You owe it to yourself Lisa.

[Gunny376]

Things happen in this life that we do not understand the whys of. We wonder if we did something to deserve the hell that is sometimes thrown our way. We ask is this justice for that terrible thing I done way back in 19XX. We get beat down, brought to our knees and cry out to our God above for help and healing. Sometimes it comes in ways unexpected, sometimes it seems it is never going to come at all. Life is sometimes dark and the sun does not shine and we lose our joy in the simple things, we grieve, we fight, we pray, we bargain, eventually comes acceptance and forgiveness. We either come to this conclusion alone or with help from our God, but it comes and then we have to pick our arse off the floor and get on with it. We have to look outside ourselves and know that there are just some things that we'll never know the answers to, that's just the way it is. We will never have some of our questions answered in this life.

 

We are here to live, breathe, and to enjoy every moment that it's possible to enjoy. To remember those good moments makes the bad ones lots more bearable. We have a responsiblity to ourselves and that is to not wallow in our pain, it's makes us sick, it destroys us. Feel it, grieve it, then move past it. You owe it to yourself Lisa.

 

A most excellent and outstanding post! Should become a 'sticky'

[LonelyTiger]

I hate him.

 

That's a good start Lisa.