"All About Him/Her"

[pureinheart]

Just want to throw this out there....

 

In my experience (and am repeating from another thread), the R was priddy much about him. I got caught up in his drama, helped him with many many things concerning "him".

 

Now mind you, during this, I got hit with some very serious issues/things and I found little or no help at all from him, in fact he would usually start a fight.

 

He does have a mess, being a hoarder and doing almost nothing for two yrs and laying in bed, or doing what he wanted to do and not fixing up his house, meaning cleaning much or repairs.

 

Now even with helping him, taking care of my own stuff that was as bad as his (if not worse at times) I still took care of business, home repairs and such...I was in the process of fixing up the place I inherited from my parents (am very handy) and before going out on medical had most of the improvements done.

 

I started to give myself some consideration after my therapist asked me, "what do you do for you, do you have any fun at all?"

 

I started to think...I bet this guy would love to have me do all of the work at his house....so I told him straight up...I don't think so, and I personally don't think any other female would take that on either....

 

Then I began to look at other ways he was treating me, making inquiries here and there concerning things that I want with no possitive responses from him.

 

Are you taking yourself into consideration?

 

Are you asking yourself what you want out of the R?

 

And last but not least...is he/she giving you what you need also?

 

FTR this applies to any R....

[crazycatlady]

I'm a giver, I know that. I also have a fear of turning into my MIL and becoming a bitter nag and whiner. My H actually pushes me to consider myself, to take time for myself, like my upcoming vacation with my sisters that Im very much looking forward to going on. He has always pushed me to get out of my rut.

 

However, he's not much help around the house - he is help with the kids though at least. It use to not be an issue because I was a housewife. And while I'm not fully employed beyond very part time during lunches at the school one of my kids attends, I volunteer every day all day in the classrooms to gain experience so that next year I can get a job as a paraeducator - I LOVE what i'm doing and I'm very excited at the prospect of making it a career. I don't want to lead a classroom, I like the smaller groups and the challange of finding ways to help kids "get it" and Im pretty good at it.

 

Anyway, now that I'm not home all day, even if I'm not getting paid for it, I don't think its fair that everyone falls to me. I also do all the outside work, most of the home repairs (or at least arrange for them to be done), most shopping, most cooking etc. I can't keep doing this, he needs to step up to the plate, and my kids need to start doing more.

 

But he stimulates my mind and body. He argues with me about history, music, movies, heck just about anything, and we will keep arguing over which one of us is right until we can get some place to check. I love that he knows more then me about some things, and I know more then him about some things, and we both are interested in knowing more and more. I love that he can make me feel small and delicate. No one else has ever managed that, hell I'm very very fat, and outweigh him by easily 100 pounds (he loves fat women, even bigger then me) and yet he makes me feel small and delicate, something precious that needs treasuring. He's a little guy but when he's over me he's strong and in charge. Plus he knows my body and makes it sing...or scream.

 

So I have to say, where its very important, I'm getting what I need and want out of the R. While the trimmings need work, the meat of the R is solid.

 

CCL

[pureinheart]

That is great CCL...maybe he's not used to you being gone all day, I think he'll adjust and start helping more...you spoiled him...lol...

 

I did that too, my work was contingant on new builds or mods (aircraft field) so I was laid off a lot...with that I did everything, like you...but when I'd get called back to work, working 10 and 12 hr days 6 and 7 days a week....taking the kids to the babysitter, picking them up, cleaning the house ect...I told him I needed help and he shinned me on. I don't think he realised how bad things were really for me because he was not a jerk...

 

He did eventually get with someone else and I found out...after that he started injecting steroids and got violent so I was gone needless to say.

 

Because your H is sensitive to your happiness, I think he will start helping more, it's just an adjustment...

[skylarblue]

I hate to say that my R with MM is all about him, but I guess 99% of it is. At times I feel like he’s trying to make an effort, but then it seems so infrequent or half-ass that it keeps me thinking his only concerns are getting laid and not getting caught. And that he does what he does sometimes just because its convenient and/or to placate me. I guess I couldn’t really blame him or be upset because I did create the “I’m into what you say” aura for him in the R. I wanted him to feel like I’m /it’s all about him, and I didn’t ask him for anything at all in return. It worked for me. It doesn’t quite work so much for me anymore.

 

I’ve been contemplating what do I want out of this R, why would I want anything from a R that is an A, and how it could it even be possible?...I guess I want what his W has – to have a H (a faithful one though), to have his children, to take care of him, and our home and family. MM couldn’t give that to me. He already has it with someone else. And I really couldn’t trust him if he was no longer with his W. I don’t know why I’m even rationally contemplating trying to develop more with MM. I feel like I’m trying to convince myself to “love” him but not fall “in love” with him, but I kinda want him to fall “in love” with me. Right now, I don’t feel like MM is giving me want I need, but I’m not really sure what I really want from him if anything…I don’t think he’s going to be too happy with me when he realizes that I might be trying to change the rules.

[pureinheart]

I hate to say that my R with MM is all about him, but I guess 99% of it is. At times I feel like he’s trying to make an effort, but then it seems so infrequent or half-ass that it keeps me thinking his only concerns are getting laid and not getting caught. And that he does what he does sometimes just because its convenient and/or to placate me. I guess I couldn’t really blame him or be upset because I did create the “I’m into what you say” aura for him in the R. I wanted him to feel like I’m /it’s all about him, and I didn’t ask him for anything at all in return. It worked for me. It doesn’t quite work so much for me anymore.

 

I’ve been contemplating what do I want out of this R, why would I want anything from a R that is an A, and how it could it even be possible?...I guess I want what his W has – to have a H (a faithful one though), to have his children, to take care of him, and our home and family. MM couldn’t give that to me. He already has it with someone else. And I really couldn’t trust him if he was no longer with his W. I don’t know why I’m even rationally contemplating trying to develop more with MM. I feel like I’m trying to convince myself to “love” him but not fall “in love” with him, but I kinda want him to fall “in love” with me. Right now, I don’t feel like MM is giving me want I need, but I’m not really sure what I really want from him if anything…I don’t think he’s going to be too happy with me when he realizes that I might be trying to change the rules.

 

Hey Skylar,

 

As one poster put it...it's like playing the get out of jail free card when the statement is made from the MM (in your case) that you knew what the "rules" were when this started. People evolve and change in R's...R's progress to something...every R that remains moves forward in some way, whatever that R may be.

 

ExDM (last year) had me afraid to ask him of anything...it was like walking on eggshells, and to know me, this is completely out of character. It's like I didn't have a choice, and if I voiced my opinion, there was hell to pay.

 

It has taken over a year, but I am getting to a place in my mind where I make the rules now. I don't mean for that to sound controlling, although he doesn't pay my bills, he did nothing for me but bring me down...and even if he did pay the bills, he would still need to honor and respect me and my wishes.

 

In my case, it was all about respect, he had little or none while he was going through the D.

 

The fact is, he needed me more than I needed him, so why was I putting up with his crap.....EVERYBODY told me, man Kathy, you could do so much better (they were actually being nice, as I knew what they really wanted to say....lol).

 

Skylar, your bold, if you feel like it, tell him like it is...you are important and what YOU want is important....

[OWoman]

Are you taking yourself into consideration?

 

Are you asking yourself what you want out of the R?

 

And last but not least...is he/she giving you what you need also?

 

My H has a "knight-in-shining-armour" thing, so his Rs are never "all about him"; in fact, they've almost pathologically not been at all about him, until I stormed into his life. I was very different to the kind of woman he'd been attracted to in the past - I was fiercely independent, I wasn't broken, and I had nothing I needed to be saved from.

 

From the outset, it was very focused on mutuality - we both had our needs and wants met. If I must be perfectly honest, it probably did tend to be more in my favour if anyone's, since I was the demanding and insistent one, the one who was upfront in starting things and probably in setting the tone in that way. It was like nothing he'd ever experienced before. He was used to be manipulated into things without ever knowing what was really wanted or expected of him, and then lambasted for getting it wrong (if he couldn't guess) or for taking so long to get it right (if he could). But even more foreign - I demanded to know what he wanted, and put his desires and needs up there too - something he'd never articulated before, wasn't even really sure of, and initially struggled with.

 

Along the line we both went through some pretty rough patches - yet we were always there for each other. I never felt that his issues got in the way of him being able to support me through mine (once I finally allowed him to) and I never felt that he was draining me and wanting support from me that I wasn't in a position to give, when he needed it. We became very close.

 

Even now, we're both very aware of everything each other had to give up for us to be together - we know the costs and we know the rewards. We know that this is of our choosing, for both of us, and we know that the price we each paid speaks of the extent of our love for each other.

 

It's not all about him, or all about me - it's all about us.

[skylarblue]

Hey Skylar,

 

As one poster put it...it's like playing the get out of jail free card when the statement is made from the MM (in your case) that you knew what the "rules" were when this started. People evolve and change in R's...R's progress to something...every R that remains moves forward in some way, whatever that R may be.

 

ExDM (last year) had me afraid to ask him of anything...it was like walking on eggshells, and to know me, this is completely out of character. It's like I didn't have a choice, and if I voiced my opinion, there was hell to pay.

 

It has taken over a year, but I am getting to a place in my mind where I make the rules now. I don't mean for that to sound controlling, although he doesn't pay my bills, he did nothing for me but bring me down...and even if he did pay the bills, he would still need to honor and respect me and my wishes.

 

In my case, it was all about respect, he had little or none while he was going through the D.

 

The fact is, he needed me more than I needed him, so why was I putting up with his crap.....EVERYBODY told me, man Kathy, you could do so much better (they were actually being nice, as I knew what they really wanted to say....lol).

 

Skylar, your bold, if you feel like it, tell him like it is...you are important and what YOU want is important....

I kinda feel the same way as you in what I bolded. Sometimes it’s just easier to agree with MM than listen to him convince me that I am wrong. So I continue to feed his ego playing the “wow, you are so smart” role. He particularly gets miffed if I say anything in the least defending of his W. Yesterday, he was complaining (again) of her being an unwarranted nag and b*tch on a warpath with him. Stupidly (I know better) I mentioned it couldn’t be her fault all of the time. He only said “yeah, ok”, but from the tone of just those two words I knew I had crossed the line. Immediately and timidly I told him “I knew what that tone meant. I’m wrong. I have no idea. Shut up.” And he agreed. Admittedly, I did kinda step out of my place, but sometimes I just get a little bothered of him saying the problem is always and only her, her, her, when she’s at home with the kids and he’s running around with me…How do you confront someone that makes you feel so out-of-character, timid, and small sometimes?

I just never, ever expected our R to ever change, but everything is really my fault. I feel like I can’t blame MM for anything. He’s the one playing fairly. He’s in the free and clear. I’m the one who is thinking of changing the R, the “rules” in the middle of the game, and because of it I’m the one whose thoughts are going all over the place.

[bentnotbroken]

I kinda feel the same way as you in what I bolded. Sometimes it’s just easier to agree with MM than listen to him convince me that I am wrong. So I continue to feed his ego playing the “wow, you are so smart” role. He particularly gets miffed if I say anything in the least defending of his W. Yesterday, he was complaining (again) of her being an unwarranted nag and b*tch on a warpath with him. Stupidly (I know better) I mentioned it couldn’t be her fault all of the time. He only said “yeah, ok”, but from the tone of just those two words I knew I had crossed the line. Immediately and timidly I told him “I knew what that tone meant. I’m wrong. I have no idea. Shut up.” And he agreed. Admittedly, I did kinda step out of my place, but sometimes I just get a little bothered of him saying the problem is always and only her, her, her, when she’s at home with the kids and he’s running around with me…How do you confront someone that makes you feel so out-of-character, timid, and small sometimes?

I just never, ever expected our R to ever change, but everything is really my fault. I feel like I can’t blame MM for anything. He’s the one playing fairly. He’s in the free and clear. I’m the one who is thinking of changing the R, the “rules” in the middle of the game, and because of it I’m the one whose thoughts are going all over the place.

 

You are well on your way to the same treatment that his wife probably has endured. Everything is someone else's fault, never his. Is that what you want? You are already talking about making you feel timid and small.

[BB07]

skylarblue, your relationship with the MM sounds to be in no way healthy or good for you. Actually he sounds like a real asshat! What are you doing with him hon?

[pureinheart]

My H has a "knight-in-shining-armour" thing, so his Rs are never "all about him"; in fact, they've almost pathologically not been at all about him, until I stormed into his life. I was very different to the kind of woman he'd been attracted to in the past - I was fiercely independent, I wasn't broken, and I had nothing I needed to be saved from.

 

From the outset, it was very focused on mutuality - we both had our needs and wants met. If I must be perfectly honest, it probably did tend to be more in my favour if anyone's, since I was the demanding and insistent one, the one who was upfront in starting things and probably in setting the tone in that way. It was like nothing he'd ever experienced before. He was used to be manipulated into things without ever knowing what was really wanted or expected of him, and then lambasted for getting it wrong (if he couldn't guess) or for taking so long to get it right (if he could). But even more foreign - I demanded to know what he wanted, and put his desires and needs up there too - something he'd never articulated before, wasn't even really sure of, and initially struggled with.

 

Along the line we both went through some pretty rough patches - yet we were always there for each other. I never felt that his issues got in the way of him being able to support me through mine (once I finally allowed him to) and I never felt that he was draining me and wanting support from me that I wasn't in a position to give, when he needed it. We became very close.

 

Even now, we're both very aware of everything each other had to give up for us to be together - we know the costs and we know the rewards. We know that this is of our choosing, for both of us, and we know that the price we each paid speaks of the extent of our love for each other.

 

It's not all about him, or all about me - it's all about us.[/QUOTE]

 

What is bolded is what it should be. I see me in some of what you wrote concerning your nature, how you are...yet there is still that messed up side of me in which I wish to exterminate...lol.

 

This is what I need to seek in me....balance...

 

Excellent reply OWoman

[pureinheart]

I kinda feel the same way as you in what I bolded. Sometimes it’s just easier to agree with MM than listen to him convince me that I am wrong. So I continue to feed his ego playing the “wow, you are so smart” role. He particularly gets miffed if I say anything in the least defending of his W. Yesterday, he was complaining (again) of her being an unwarranted nag and b*tch on a warpath with him. Stupidly (I know better) I mentioned it couldn’t be her fault all of the time. He only said “yeah, ok”, but from the tone of just those two words I knew I had crossed the line. Immediately and timidly I told him “I knew what that tone meant. I’m wrong. I have no idea. Shut up.” And he agreed. Admittedly, I did kinda step out of my place, but sometimes I just get a little bothered of him saying the problem is always and only her, her, her, when she’s at home with the kids and he’s running around with me…How do you confront someone that makes you feel so out-of-character, timid, and small sometimes?

I just never, ever expected our R to ever change, but everything is really my fault. I feel like I can’t blame MM for anything. He’s the one playing fairly. He’s in the free and clear. I’m the one who is thinking of changing the R, the “rules” in the middle of the game, and because of it I’m the one whose thoughts are going all over the place.

 

You are well on your way to the same treatment that his wife probably has endured. Everything is someone else's fault, never his. Is that what you want? You are already talking about making you feel timid and small.

 

BBNB is right Skylar....I can say this from experience.

 

ExDM NEVER talked bad about his W prior to their S...he loved her blah blah blah, which was a far cry from earlier days when I suggested him taking her out to dinner, flowers ect....(he still didn't say anything bad in those days, it was a ploy to get me into his web) and he totally rejected the idea.

 

Now during the D his STBXW is a "c" (FTR I hate that word as it is the most demeaning word to anyone), and I told him to please not use that word....well now I am the "B"....I began to see similar traits, as if I had suddenly taken her place (possibly the abusive spot) and communicated this to him...well then the REAL abuse began for me. I was so traumatised by so many things that I was numb, I could sit and give you the list, although many things led up to me being so vulnerable...I really couldn't handle breaking it off with him at the time as it might have broken me completely, I simply wasn't strong enough...and I know this sounds weird, although it is the truth.

 

I am stronger now, and did get stronger a year ago....it is why I got back on LS, I knew I'd need it.

 

There are many forms of abuse, most forms use a breaking down technique that is done over time....LS has many threads that are completely eye opening.

 

When I really discovered the abuse from exDM (at that time in the process of the D) I started drinking every night about 8pm...and then the writing would start, or calling leaving others messages of encouragement...my kids mainly...it's kind of a joke now, although the pain was real.

 

One thing I know for sure, that exDM tried to convince me of, is that I was the problem....so ya know what I agreed with him and now I'm gone, he'll have to find someone else to blame now....

 

((((hugs)))) and good luck Skylar....try not to put up with his sh*t....k....

[skylarblue]

I think I gave the impression that MM is a bad guy. He’s not. He hasn’t changed. I’m the one who’s changing. I want him to look at me differently than just as the girl he has sex with. So I think maybe I’m being overly-sensitive to the things he’s always done. For example, we were suppose to met last night, but I was quite sick the majority of the day. I talked to MM three times that day and not once did he say that he was sorry I wasn’t feeling well or ask if I was feeling better. He did however ask if I was still going to f*ck him that night and then tried to convince me that I should. He doesn’t know that I felt badly over it. He’s being/doing what he’s always done, and how it’s always been. That’s why I say I can’t blame him at all. He hasn’t done anything wrong.

Jthorne, I did kinda see myself in your story. The problem is that I unexpectedly want more (or at least to be considered more) in this R, and that’s not known (or wanted I’m sure) to him. He’s told me he has no problem with me getting a bf and still seeing him (as long as I inform him). I don’t like feeling like he thinks so little of me anymore.

Pureinheart, you said I began to see similar traits, as if I had suddenly taken her place. Lately, I see things in MM that I haven’t noticed, but have always been there. I don’t like thinking what BNB has said is true “You are well on your way to the same treatment that his wife probably has endured.” I don’t know how he treats his W (not badly I’m sure), but he doesn’t talk very favorably of her at all. Lots of times I feel he has very little regard for her and very little regard for me (but then again I also had very little regard for her so once again I can’t point the finger at MM). I’m realizing that the only one in a win/win situation here is MM.

[pureinheart]

I think I gave the impression that MM is a bad guy. He’s not. He hasn’t changed. I’m the one who’s changing. I want him to look at me differently than just as the girl he has sex with. So I think maybe I’m being overly-sensitive to the things he’s always done. For example, we were suppose to met last night, but I was quite sick the majority of the day. I talked to MM three times that day and not once did he say that he was sorry I wasn’t feeling well or ask if I was feeling better. He did however ask if I was still going to f*ck him that night and then tried to convince me that I should. He doesn’t know that I felt badly over it. He’s being/doing what he’s always done, and how it’s always been. That’s why I say I can’t blame him at all. He hasn’t done anything wrong.

Jthorne, I did kinda see myself in your story. The problem is that I unexpectedly want more (or at least to be considered more) in this R, and that’s not known (or wanted I’m sure) to him. He’s told me he has no problem with me getting a bf and still seeing him (as long as I inform him). I don’t like feeling like he thinks so little of me anymore.

Pureinheart, you said I began to see similar traits, as if I had suddenly taken her place. Lately, I see things in MM that I haven’t noticed, but have always been there. I don’t like thinking what BNB has said is true “You are well on your way to the same treatment that his wife probably has endured.” I don’t know how he treats his W (not badly I’m sure), but he doesn’t talk very favorably of her at all. Lots of times I feel he has very little regard for her and very little regard for me (but then again I also had very little regard for her so once again I can’t point the finger at MM). I’m realizing that the only one in a win/win situation here is MM.

 

I hear ya....

 

Mine was a bit different, nice at first, then during his S and D he became extremely abusive.

 

Your MM might have some women hating issues...

[pureinheart]

I think I gave the impression that MM is a bad guy. He’s not. He hasn’t changed. I’m the one who’s changing. I want him to look at me differently than just as the girl he has sex with. So I think maybe I’m being overly-sensitive to the things he’s always done. For example, we were suppose to met last night, but I was quite sick the majority of the day. I talked to MM three times that day and not once did he say that he was sorry I wasn’t feeling well or ask if I was feeling better. He did however ask if I was still going to f*ck him that night and then tried to convince me that I should. He doesn’t know that I felt badly over it. He’s being/doing what he’s always done, and how it’s always been. That’s why I say I can’t blame him at all. He hasn’t done anything wrong.

Jthorne, I did kinda see myself in your story. The problem is that I unexpectedly want more (or at least to be considered more) in this R, and that’s not known (or wanted I’m sure) to him. He’s told me he has no problem with me getting a bf and still seeing him (as long as I inform him). I don’t like feeling like he thinks so little of me anymore.

Pureinheart, you said I began to see similar traits, as if I had suddenly taken her place. Lately, I see things in MM that I haven’t noticed, but have always been there. I don’t like thinking what BNB has said is true “You are well on your way to the same treatment that his wife probably has endured.” I don’t know how he treats his W (not badly I’m sure), but he doesn’t talk very favorably of her at all. Lots of times I feel he has very little regard for her and very little regard for me (but then again I also had very little regard for her so once again I can’t point the finger at MM). I’m realizing that the only one in a win/win situation here is MM.

 

I hear ya....

 

Mine was a bit different, nice at first, then during his S and D he became extremely abusive.

 

Your MM might have some women hating issues...

[CarbonCopy]

I hate to say that my R with MM is all about him, but I guess 99% of it is. At times I feel like he’s trying to make an effort, but then it seems so infrequent or half-ass that it keeps me thinking his only concerns are getting laid and not getting caught. And that he does what he does sometimes just because its convenient and/or to placate me.

 

Wow, this is totally how I feel. I just got back together with my MM a couple of days ago (stupid, I know) and already I see things haven't changed. Granted, he broke up with me and not the other way around, but he keeps saying he wants to take me out to dinner, that he wants to try to fix my broken heart, etc. And I hate that I feel scared to voice my discontent and my concerns because I don't want to seem like I'm being "demanding" or that I'm trying to nag. I'm not -- I just feel I deserve some respect. What am I doing back with him again?...