A new year, a new unavailable guy (long)

[Quixotic_Dancer]

Well, I'm back after an eventful New Year's Eve. I was invited to a party attended by the new group of fun, hip folks I had met at the movie theater where I was working over the holidays. I met a guy...or, I should say, a new guy has come crashing into my world and played havoc once again with my peace of mind. And once again, I'm kicking myself, because there's a problem.

 

I noticed him as soon as I entered the apartment. I know that sounds like a romance-novel cliche, but it's the truth. It always happens that way for me. It's as if the room becomes the screen of a televised football game during a slo-mo replay, and some invisible hand draws a mess of squiggly arrows in the air, all pointing towards one person.

 

He wasn't the best-looking guy in the room--he's a little balding, a little paunchy, though with lovely eyes and a lovely smile. I can't explain it. Something drew me to him. Then I was introduced to him, by his roommate, the hostess of the party and a co-worker at the theater (no, they're not together, just roommates--her boyfriend also lives there). Turns out I had already heard of this guy. I had hung out at this girl's apartment the previous Saturday, but he--I'll just call him The Guy--had been out of town for Christmas. On that night, we had watched a video of a low-budget film he'd made (and a pretty fun one at that). Yep, he's a filmmaker.

 

The first post I ever wrote here had to do with a man with whom I felt a very deep bond, who was a fellow traveler (and married). I have two great passions in life: one is travel, the other is film.

 

Anyway, I had brought a female friend with me to the party (who is very cute--younger, and, I'd say, cuter than me). The Guy was chatting with both of us, as were two of his friends. Actually, the three guys were kind of seated in a circle around us. At one point, my friend was chatting with another guy, and I asked The Guy about the film he was working on (all the guys were involved in it, and had mentioned it). We talked at some length about that. Then, one of his friends interrupted to say there was "a new Amber book" coming out. Now, I know the Amber books. They're a fantasy series from my teens by an excellent writer named Roger Zelazny, one of my favorites. I piped up with, "Really, there's a new Amber book?!" And both The Guy and his friend amost gasped with surprise:"You know Amber?!" as if they'd never imagined a woman knowing those books. Puh-leeze. So, yeah, we're both fantasy and sci-fi lovers--check off another big interest in common.

 

At one point, I sidled over to the hostess, my coworker, and said that I found her roommate very interesting...and was he available? She answered in what I thought was an excited and encouraging way. "Why, yes," she said, "yes, he is, as of very recently."

 

I hadn't intended to get drunk, even though it was New Year's Eve...but note the past tense. I underestimated both the extent of food in my stomach (I had worked all day and hadn't eaten much) and the amount of wine and champagne in the cups I'd been handed. After midnight, I felt it all kicking in. I came out of the kitchen, The Guy was standing there, and I found myself asking him if he'd like to go outside. All along, I'd been wondering if he was more attracted to my friend than to me, not because of any sign he'd given...just because I think that any guy would be. Well, we walked outside (it was very mild), and my inhibitions were nowhere to be found by then. I told The Guy that I found him very attractive. He said that he found me attractive, too. Then...we were kissing. I'm actually not sure who acted first. After a bit, I mentioned that his roommate had said that he'd had a relationship end recently. That's when he told me...his girlfriend had broken up with him that day. THAT DAY! "Oh my God," I said. "She broke up with you on New Year's Eve! That's really harsh!"

 

I'll try to summarize the rest a little more briefly. The Guy left to walk his dog. I went with him. More kissing. More talking. Me: Are you still in love with her? Him: Very much so. When we got back to the apartment, my friend was just leaving. She, bless her heart, looked very pleased for me. She said that most people had left...and that she'd moved my backpack from her car to the apartment. The Guy invited me to sleep in his room. You can guess what happened...we were both very drunk by then.

 

Things were a little awkward in the morning, but I did my best to put him at ease. I told him that I hoped things worked out for him and his girlfriend, since he still loved her, and that I hoped he wouldn't be too uncomfortable when we saw each other again. He said he didn't think he would be. He gave me a ride home, and I tried to lighten the atmosphere, mocking my own hung-over state, in general trying to act like a buddy, to put him at ease, and I was rewarded with that great smile again.

 

I saw him last Saturday (all the theater folks hang out there on Saturday nights). It wasn't awkward. We chatted, we were in a room full of people, all chatting about movies. Nothing happened...I didn't expect it to, didn't want it to. But I'm obsessed now, I'm fixated, I'm having trouble sleeping. Yes, I have a tendency for this sort of thing. And I seem to have replaced one unavailable man with another...though in this case, there's the danger of convincing myself that I should actually allow something to happen (in the other case, he was married, so i didn't even consider it).

 

Here's the rub: all these folks are on the Weblog LiveJournal. They talk about it a lot. The Guy, at the party, had told me his username. I've had unlimited access to pages and pages of his history, and his innermost thoughts. He wrote about the breakup--I know he's devastated. They went out for three years. I know a great deal about what goes on in his mind--and I like it. He has a warm heart, a great love of and loyalty to his friends, a keen mind, and a very sharp wit. I also, through his journal, had access to his girlfriend's. Or ex-girlfriend's. And she's brilliant. And witty. And she's a scenic designer, so they're in the same field...and he's very proud of her. There is no way I can compete with that, and if anything happened anytime soon, that's what I'd be doing.

 

I know, that for several reasons, there is NO chance of anything developing. He's hurting. He'll be hurting for some time. He probably responded to me at the party (1)Because he was drunk and (2)Because he felt wounded and rejected and I was a source of some comfort. I have no idea if he feels any special attraction to or interest in me. I'm sure he doesn't know either. There's only one woman in his head right now, and that's his ex.

 

So, once again, I wonder why this has happened to me...or why I do this to myself. I'm going to continue working at the theater on Saturday nights. They asked me to stay, and the people there have been terrifically warm and welcoming to me. I've been wanting to find a new community, so this is very, very satisfying to me. It follows, then, that I fully intend to hang out, most Saturday nights, at The Guy's apartment. I'll see him. I'll talk to him. I'm only hoping that continued contact will kill my crush, not feed it, but that's not what happened last time.

 

I am the posterchild for bad relationship karma.

[moimeme]

Oh, girl. You let that most dangerous of drugs affect you. Such a big mistake to go physical so early Worst of all, it'll take a while to clear her out of his system if he still loves her.

 

I don't recall if you were asked this before, but do you think you pick unavailable men for some sort of deep-seated reason?

[Quixotic_Dancer]

I don't recall if you were asked this before, but do you think you pick unavailable men for some sort of deep-seated reason?

 

Yes, I think I do, though I'm not sure what that reason is.

 

I wrote before that I don't believe, deep down, that a man I love would really want to stay with me...might also have something to do with the fact that my parents had a really lousy marriage, though they stayed together. They've mellowed towards each other now, but they were actively, openly, constantly hostile towards each other when I was little. I grew up in a very angry house. They also never shared a room, or a bed, since I was conceived, I'm pretty sure (I'm the youngest). They never touched. When I was twenty, my mother revealed to me the affair she'd been having with my father's friend for years and years. Don't know what my father did--he never told me, and i wouldn't feel comfortable asking him, but I hope he got some lovin' somewhere, 'cause my mom was really awful to him.

 

Interesting how far "off-topic" I seem to have gotten. My therapist just told me last week that I needed to write a long letter to my mother, get out all my anger towards her, and then burn it. The thing is, I love my mother dearly. And both she and my father...anyone could excuse them for being very wounded people. They'd both been through hell before i was born.

 

Back to the guy, and his predecessor...with both of them, I felt a very, very strong attraction immediately...felt like I'd been kicked in the head by a horse, *before* I knew their situations (and, on New Year's Eve, before I'd had a drop of alcohol). BUt, in both cases, the obsession kicked in *after* I knew they were taken. That's something to think about.

[Errol]

Hopefully you will be able to hang-out and not let your desires overtake your common sense. Go in the bathroom and talk to yourself in the mirror for a few minutes if you feel like your emotions are going to start talking and acting rather than your brain!

 

 

Don't even think about it being a competition between you and an ex of any mans'. Guys (people) have to get past their ex and generally the rebound person is 1) so much like the ex that its an easy comfortable fit, or 2) the exact opposite of the ex which means that the rebound relationship will end quickly once the passion has worn off then the guy can finish grieving for his lost love. The next GF will have similar interests and things in common with the guy and maybe even some of the same tastes as the ex, but the guy will not be looking at comparisons - he will be ready to enjoy your company for who you are. Sometimes you need to talk about this in the relationship, but don't let yourself feel like you have to compete with someone else.

 

Maybe its better if you two get to be friends for a while first so that you don't become the rebound girl friend.

 

I hope it works out for you. Relax and enjoy the new community and new experiences - don't fret about relationships or try to force anything

[FreeMe]

Wow Q, I posted in your other thread that you sound like me, but now you REALLY sound like me. I've always been attracted to men who are either unavailable and/or risky. I also get obsessed with them. It's really not healthy, but it sure is a rush, isn't it!!

 

Unfortunately the lows are as low as the highs are high, if that makes any sense. I always thought of it, jokingly, as being an addiction, but lately I have removed the "jokingly" from the idea. I think it IS actually an addiction. Maybe to endorphins - I don't know.

 

Last year I got into a hot relationship like that and fell for the guy. Now we're living together and I want it to work. Because of my past roller-coaster-ride relationships, however, I'm finding dealing with the normal progression of the relationship difficult. I find I'm not sure what's normal and what's a sign of a problem. I also found that my sex drive has plunged and I'm sure that's because the risk/unavailability factor is gone. I have to work that out, otherwise it's going to be a problem. Right now, he has no idea.

 

I know what the roots of my problem are - being abandoned by daddy, to put it simply. Perhaps even though your father was present, he was emotionally unavailable?? Just a thought.

[Quixotic_Dancer]

Originally posted by FreeMe

I know what the roots of my problem are - being abandoned by daddy, to put it simply. Perhaps even though your father was present, he was emotionally unavailable?? Just a thought.

 

Once again, my dear, your insight impresses the hell out of me. Just a thought, but quite a thought. My dad worked odd hours, was often not home when we ate dinner, and when he *was* home, he was generally behind the closed door of his den (where he could escape my mother's sniping).

 

You're also dead-on with the addiction label--that's occurred to me as well.

 

I wish I had some great advice to offer you in your relationship. Maybe a little role-playing would heat things up? Meet somewhere and pretend you're picking each other up, like you just met each other? I suppose that anything like that would just be a quick fix, though, and not address your underlying issues. Well, there are wiser heads than mine on these boards. I hope they have some advice for you.

[Quixotic_Dancer]

OH, and thanks very much Errol as well. Very good to get a man's perspective.

[FreeMe]

That's a great idea about the role playing and one he would have a great time with. We also work together and tease each other a lot at work.

 

At least this guy isn't married. Perhaps if you're patient and allow him time to get over his ex (providing of course that they don't get back together) something will come of this.

 

You know, you also said something that almost brought tears to my eyes:

Originally posted by Quixotic_Dancer

 

I wrote before that I don't believe, deep down, that a man I love would really want to stay with me

That is EXACTLY what I feel. I've probably used almost those same words. We are both doing ourselves a disservice - I can tell by your posts that you are an amazingly cool chick - but it's a very difficult idea to get past since when it was taking form in our minds we were too young to realize it was even happening.

[steffany]

quote:

 

I wrote before that I don't believe, deep down, that a man I love would really want to stay with me

 

 

I think it is what we(men and women) all fear! I can tell you that myself and quite a few of my girl friends have also used a simular phrase.

 

I think it may be less so in men because (even though times are changing) men from the time they are young do most of the asking out and such. Women we tend to take rejection so much more personally then men.

 

I have 4 older brothers and have noticed this trait is stronger in women.

 

I'm 26 and dating a 38 year old man. While he may be available technically....he is really isn't someone I can bring into my family...so ironically he is still unavailable.