Selfishness or self esteem

[muffin]

I would just like some opinions about this, about a family situation I am aware of, and I'm not sure if I am right in how I think about it. There is a newly divorced mother with a toddler, and she hardly as anything, for several weeks right after the divorce she had to stay in her aunt's basement and then she finally got an inexpensive one bedroom apartment. The woman's grandmother bought a crib for the child because this young mother couldn't afford one. The woman has very little furniture, and works a job that barely pays enough for her to make her rent. It's a blessing from God she can get free daycare from her ex-husband's mother, who is has an in-home daycare.

 

Anyway, this young divorced mother's mother is in her mid or late 50's, and mentioned she was contemplating having breast augmentation surgery, she just wanted to be bigger, and although she does not say so, it's because she wants to impress a new boyfriend, and this new "boyfriend" is a married man she is having an affair with. She knows her daughter has just gotten divorced and is barely getting by, with her child, is struggling just to make rent and buy groceries, and this woman wants to blow thousands to get plastic surgery, and she's already a C cup size to begin with. I think this is one of the most despicable cases of selfishness I've ever heard of. There are times in life to treat and think of yourself, and other times that call for selflessness and priority and sacrifice. She'd see her grandbaby do without just so she could feel good about herself for this new, wrong relationship in her life. I'd just like to know what someone else thinks.

[reboot]

Let's just say I won't be voting for her for Mom of the year. Some people give selfishness a whole, new meaning.

[Ronni_W]

Without knowing all the dynamics it's not so easy to make a judgment.

 

Personally, I don't think it is "selfish" of me to spend my own, hard-earned money however I want, when I want, on whatever I want. If someone is going to judge me for that, I'd suggest that they make sure their intentions (for MY money) are "unselfish" -- and I suspect they'd find that it is not.

 

The adult daughter's financial situation is not the mother's fault, or burden to lighten, or responsibility to resolve. It could just be money-management lessons that the adult daughter has not yet learned, and needs to learn sooner than later. She can't forever be under-responsible and expect others to bail her out of her financial predicaments.

 

The mother is definitely worthy and deserving of doing, and entitled to do, whatever she wants with her own money. Her reasons for wanting it are irrelevant.

[reboot]

Do you have children?

[fennel6]

Without knowing all the dynamics it's not so easy to make a judgment.

 

Personally, I don't think it is "selfish" of me to spend my own, hard-earned money however I want, when I want, on whatever I want. If someone is going to judge me for that, I'd suggest that they make sure their intentions (for MY money) are "unselfish" -- and I suspect they'd find that it is not.

 

The adult daughter's financial situation is not the mother's fault, or burden to lighten, or responsibility to resolve. It could just be money-management lessons that the adult daughter has not yet learned, and needs to learn sooner than later. She can't forever be under-responsible and expect others to bail her out of her financial predicaments.

 

The mother is definitely worthy and deserving of doing, and entitled to do, whatever she wants with her own money. Her reasons for wanting it are irrelevant.

 

Exactly. The mother is in no way obligated to assist her daughter financially.

 

My niece could be that divorced woman with a toddler...except she has three. She has made the worst decisions financially and relationship-wise repeatedly. It could be a similar story for this other person.

[reboot]

It isn't about being obligated.

[donnamaybe]

Wow. Can one even use the word "mother" to describe someone like that? Ish.

 

And some of the self centered responses in this thread also make me wanna , and I REALLY hope they never have kids.

[threebyfate]

This is a tough call. After a child grows to adulthood, a parent should no longer be held responsible by anyone, for their child. But love should dictate they help their children in need, no matter what age. Having said that, let's pretend that this daughter has been relying on her mother for years, for financial aid. Sooner or later, the daughter has to become more financially independent. A parent shouldn't have to be financially responsible for a child, for the rest of their lives.

 

As for the mother, who wants a breast augmentation so she can continue her affair with an MM, she obviously has some serious issues of her own, some ethical, some selfishness, some self-esteem issues, all bundled up into one person.

[muffin]

that most of the responses jumped on the case of the adult daughter, I guess it shows how blatant selfishness really does reign in our society. I didn't realize I'd have to justify her. I know there are a lot of spoiled adult brats out there jumping from problem to problem and being irresponsible but this girl is in no way irresponsible, she simply had to get out of a marriage that was damaging to her and her child, and she is very capable of caring for herself and her child, manages her money, what she has, very well, and she works, she just doesn't make a lot of money. She doesn't expect or even like help from others but she got into a real pinch because of the divorce, and had to get legal help even retrieving most of her belongings from her ex-husband. I guess if you all think a woman wanting to blow several thousand dollars on a surgery to impress a married to someone else lover is unselfish and commendable in light of those circumstances, then our world is in more trouble than I thought. If I was saying the mother wanted to go buy a nice pair of shoes instead of groceries for her daughter and grandchild, I could see where there might not be a problem, but elective and unecessary surgery seemed like a different thing. I guess in most people's minds, letting your daughter and grandchild go hungry is ok, as long as you get to be selfish.

[blind_otter]

I was raised by a mother from a different culture, and all I have to say is that the way westerners treat their families sometimes is just absolutely despicably disgusting to me and it's no wonder the culture and society in America especially are decaying as they are.

 

My obligation toward my son will never end. He will always be the baby I grew in my womb and bore out of my body. I will always love, accept, and put his needs before my own. I would lay my life down for him, whether he is 2 years old or 60 years old.

 

Lovers come and go. Even husbands. But your child has a bond with you forever. You can't look into your child's eyes and say, "I will give you everything...as long as this timer is going, but as soon as the beep goes off, you're on your own, sugar!"

 

My mother and I have had our differences, Lord knows. But when push comes to shove, even though we are chilly, emotionally, with each other, she will always help her grandchild. She would probably take me out of her will in a heartbeat, but she would just put my son's name in there instead.

 

And ultimately, WTF is a grown woman punishing a toddler for so she can have bigger tits? Hell, at 55 you only have about 15 years left to enjoy them....blech.

 

I have no faith in humanity anymore.

[donnamaybe]

I feel the same way you do, BO. I still help my kids, even the two who are out on their own. Granted, when they make their own bed, so to speak, I make sure they lie in it in SOME measure, but I would never let them go hungry or without a place to live. Most assuredly, I would NOT put plastic surgery above the well being of my loved ones.

[KikiW]

If the facts are as stated, then yes, I would raise my eyebrows at a mother who would rather make her ample bosom even larger rather than give some assistance to her struggling daughter and grandchild. This is a time in her life where she can really use support from friends and family, and this seems like a ridiculous thing to do in the face of her hardship.

 

I have also seen how some children can be so helpless at taking care of themselves that parents simply get sick and tired of bankrolling them and end up turning off the cash faucet. It doesn't sound like that is the case here, but I can certainly understand a mom having made her own money and wanting to spend it on herself rather than an ungrateful, lazy child who can't make ends meet because they spent too much at the bar, or can't seem to get their butts out of bed to get to work on time.

 

Where does this mother seem herself? As the mom of a struggling young mother, or as the mom of an ungrateful, lazy child? Even if she isn't lazy or ungrateful, that may be how her mom perceives her and how she can consider not only going through with breast augmentation but boasting about it to her burdened daughter.

[blind_otter]

I have also seen how some children can be so helpless at taking care of themselves that parents simply get sick and tired of bankrolling them and end up turning off the cash faucet. It doesn't sound like that is the case here, but I can certainly understand a mom having made her own money and wanting to spend it on herself rather than an ungrateful, lazy child who can't make ends meet because they spent too much at the bar, or can't seem to get their butts out of bed to get to work on time.

 

The way I see it - and this is just my personal philosophy regarding my own kid - if he turns out for sh*t, it's at least half my fault, so I've got to pay the penance for the rest of my natural life because I didn't parent in a way that would allow my son to develop into his full potential.

 

The choices you make, as a parent, affect the way your child turns out - for better or for worse. And anyways, it seems a bit heartless to get self righteous and finger point at your own kid - there are ALWAYS deeper reasons why people go to the bar too much, drink too much, have trouble finding employment and staying employed.

[threebyfate]

that most of the responses jumped on the case of the adult daughter, I guess it shows how blatant selfishness really does reign in our society. I didn't realize I'd have to justify her. I know there are a lot of spoiled adult brats out there jumping from problem to problem and being irresponsible but this girl is in no way irresponsible, she simply had to get out of a marriage that was damaging to her and her child, and she is very capable of caring for herself and her child, manages her money, what she has, very well, and she works, she just doesn't make a lot of money. She doesn't expect or even like help from others but she got into a real pinch because of the divorce, and had to get legal help even retrieving most of her belongings from her ex-husband. I guess if you all think a woman wanting to blow several thousand dollars on a surgery to impress a married to someone else lover is unselfish and commendable in light of those circumstances, then our world is in more trouble than I thought. If I was saying the mother wanted to go buy a nice pair of shoes instead of groceries for her daughter and grandchild, I could see where there might not be a problem, but elective and unecessary surgery seemed like a different thing. I guess in most people's minds, letting your daughter and grandchild go hungry is ok, as long as you get to be selfish.

Ummm...muffin, it really helps to know the entire story. That's why many of us have given both sides to this, since we didn't know the circumstances.

 

If she's in some form of financial hardship, for a short period of time, then yes, her mother is a selfish jerk.

[donnamaybe]

I would never toss my child to the wolves, no matter the mistakes they made. Especially in deference to something as shallow as plastic boobs.

[KikiW]

I know what you're saying, Otter, and I agree that many people are shaped directly by their parents. But at what point do you as an individual pick yourself up, dust yourself off, get therapy, and get on with your life? I myself have a lot of my eprsonal traits I could pin on my mother or father, but all it does is let me understand where it comes from - it does NOT mean I should wallow in my own self-pity and bleed my parents dry because of it.

 

Conversely, what if the parents did the best they could - sure every parent makes mistakes, but a lot have kids with problems that they have no control over preventing in the first place, or in trying to prevent it, they tried too softly or too harshly and it backfired. Parents are not perfect. So when do parents stop wrapping their precious little snowflakes in bubble wrap and give them a little tough love?

 

Point being, if the young mom is honestly struggling after doing her best to better her situation, and her mother is flaunting a boob job, that really sucks.

[blind_otter]

I know what you're saying, Otter, and I agree that many people are shaped directly by their parents. But at what point do you as an individual pick yourself up, dust yourself off, get therapy, and get on with your life? I myself have a lot of my eprsonal traits I could pin on my mother or father, but all it does is let me understand where it comes from - it does NOT mean I should wallow in my own self-pity and bleed my parents dry because of it.

 

Sure, you do what you can. I'm just talking about how I feel about my own son. I am not trying to dictate what anyone else chooses to do. My choice is based on my personal morals and ethics and values. I believe that my obligation to my child never ends. Period. My son could never bleed me dry - all that I have is his and for him. I certainly can't take it with me when I die, and I don't need much for myself.

 

I started a savings account for him when he was born, and it has always had more money in it than I have for myself. Lots more.

 

Conversely, what if the parents did the best they could - sure every parent makes mistakes, but a lot have kids with problems that they have no control over preventing in the first place, or in trying to prevent it, they tried too softly or too harshly and it backfired. Parents are not perfect. So when do parents stop wrapping their precious little snowflakes in bubble wrap and give them a little tough love?

 

Being a parent, I realize that parents are not perfect. But it is my obligation to my son, to myself, to society, and to God - to research, get therapy, and do my best to help shape a person who will be a happy and productive member of society.

 

But this is my personal philosophy, and one that my own family of origin ascribes to. Family is family forever, and blood obligates you to your family, regardless of any other circumstances.

 

I realize this is a foreign concept to most people who come from culturally American families. It's just a different culture's approach to social engineering.

[fennel6]

When many of us answered, there was no back-story. The woman in question could have been ( and might be) a real train-wreck.

 

This story could be the same as my niece's...she was dumped by her husband while she was one month pregnant with their third child. Many of her family members (myself included) have dumped thousands upon thousands of dollars into her to help she and her children get ahead. It's a lost cause. She will never take enough interest in her children to check their back-packs for homework. She would rather spend the money on fast food and dates with losers. No matter how much money we give her, it will never benefit her kids.

 

We had no way of knowing if the OP was in the same condition as someone like my niece. It wasn't necessary to mention that the op's mother was dating a married man. Would people have felt differently if the op's mom was a church going choir director who chose to donate her money to Haiti?

 

I'm still a bit leery about the "true" story. We only hear one side.

[minniezz]

Ugh...Thats just selfish