My Wife..her best friend and her best friend's husband

[kz650b2]

Boy is this one hard to deal with....

 

I found out about 3-weeks ago that my wife had sex with her best friend (a female) in front her best friend's husband. This incident occured some 3-4 months ago while I was away working. These people also happen to live across the street from us. Since then I've been trying to cope with this situation and keep my head on straight.

 

My wife and I have been having martial difficulties over the last 2-years or so but this is the first time either of us have been unfaithful. Ironically, we started to see a marriage councellor about a month after my wife had this experience but she chose not to disclose it in councelling.

 

I'm concerned that she does not know what she wants out of life. We've been married for 12 years and we have two children. Is she Bi? She tells me that she has be curious for a while but never thought that it would happen. She told me that it was not planned and that it just happened. She told me that she did not have any contact with the male and that it was all to do with her and her friend experimenting.

 

Any advise on this situation?

[jmargel]

She was unfaithful, and cheated on you. Not disclosing this to the councilor is not helping either of you. I've been with my gf for 4 months, and recently she told me she's bi-curious. I told her I would let her be with another woman by herself if she wanted but she said absoutely not. She wanted me involved too. Having her friend's husband involved, and not you is showing disrespect by not only her but by the other two people. I'm sure he did more than just watch as well. If you two are having marriage problems, and she did this without telling you, then you could probably assume that he might have slept with your wife as well.

 

You deserve answers.

[kz650b2]

I've drilled her on the details of the event and she has assured me that he did nothing with him except kiss him on the way out...she says that she did this because she was afraid and she was unsure of how he felt about what his wife and my wife had just did in front of him. I don't believe that my wife is attracted to him but I do believe that she was curious about experimenting with her friend. I drilled her about why she did it in front of him and why the two of them didn't go to another place. She told me that there was no conscious decision made to go into the bedroom where the husband was sleeping. It was a decision that was made in the heat of the moment. This is all coming for a woman that I trusted 100% prior to this happening.

[jmargel]

Has she had any sexual contact with her since? I think maybe you need to talk to this other guy & see what really went on. If she's not willing to tell the councilor about it, its because she's afraid the councilor will get her into a corner about the situation. Possibliy leading her into a way to make her answer some difficult questions she is refusing to answer.

 

Another option would be to tell her that you want her & you to have a 3 some with this other chick, while her friend's husband isn't there. Its only fair, right? If she says no then that should tell you somethings. What kind of martial problems have you been having? If its been going on for two years, then that's kinda serious. Keep asking her questions, you have every right to know.

[kz650b2]

"Has she had any sexual contact with her since? I think maybe you need to talk to this other guy & see what really went on. If she's not willing to tell the councilor about it, its because she's afraid the councilor will get her into a corner about the situation. Possibly leading her into a way to make her answer some difficult questions she is refusing to answer."

 

The incident happened in September and to my knowledge they have not had any sexual contact since. There were still close friends until I found out about this 3-weeks ago. We returned to counseling a couple of days after I found out and she told him the same as she told me. Both me and the counselor asked all the hard questions and she answered them all...denying that she did anything with her friends' husband.

 

"Another option would be to tell her that you want her & you to have a 3 some with this other chick, while her friend's husband isn't there. Its only fair, right? If she says no then that should tell you somethings"

 

I couldn't ask her to do this...I don't want to make this anymore difficult.

 

"What kind of martial problems have you been having? If its been going on for two years, then that's kinda serious"

 

General unhappiness and lack of intimacy. I feel that she has be emotionally disconnected from me for sometime. Your right...its serious.

 

I've asked her all the questions over and over and over. I'm at the point that I have to either believe what she has told me or believe what I think may have happened. In any event, she's admitted to having sex with her female friend in front of her friend's husband and I'm not sure how to deal with this. She said that she was curious and that she does not fell that she is bisexual. She says that she would never do it again. I cannot imagine how she could have consciously do this ****. It's blowing my mind.

[bryanp]

Hello,

 

I am sorry for your pain but there is something in this story that just does not sound right. First, she claims that it was never planned but it just happened. I am sorry but nothing just happens. I am sure she has discussed this with her female friend and when the opportunity occurred she went for it. I guarantee you that it was planned and they just waited for the right time and opportunity. She planned to cheat on you and betray her vows to you. Second, how humiliating to you that she would have sex and show herself nude in front of another man and then she kisses him goodbye so he would not feel bad? This shows again total disrespect for you and your marriage. There is something here that just does not seem right. Great so now you have a wife who has sex with another woman in front of the woman's husband and kisses him goodbye. How sweet and touching. Judge her by her actions and not her words. Unfortunately her actions speaks volumes about she feels about you, her honesty and her committment to your marriage. I feel for you.

[jmargel]

I have to agree with bryanp. How has she been treating you since? Any worse, better, the same? I know of a female that has been w/ her bf for like 5 years. She's been messing around with two other men, for over a year! He has no clue she is doing this. What's sad is, this guy treats her like gold too. The only reason why I know this, is because my gf is a friend of hers. Its disgusting what some people do.

 

This didn't just 'happen'. It was planned out to some extent. Those two women must have talked about it before as well. My gf is bi-curious but i'm the first she told anyone this too. She told me she wants to take this very slow and think things out. So that it doesn't upset our relationship, etc.

 

If you two have a lack of intimacy and general unhappiness and it's lasted two years, then you need to find out what is causing this, and to find another councilor. Its too easy to fall into a rut, and when you fall into enough of them, they become harder to climb out of. It sounds like you two don't have any communication amongst each other, nor respect. I'm sure there are things maybe you have done to her as well that you aren't posting. Be honest with yourself & others on here so we can try to help you out.

 

Love, Communication, Trust, Honesty, Respect & Forgiveness are the main blocks of a relationship, IMO. How many do you two have in yours?

 

Both of you truly need to figure out what is making you unhappy. Not just 'life in general'. If there are things you can change in your life, then do it!

 

Personally I wouldn't be able to trust her, its something you have to earn. She lied to you & didn't tell you about this. You found out some other way, correct? So given that, how can you trust what she says to you? Why are you in this relationship?

 

Hope i'm helping you out some. I know these are hard questions.

[kz650b2]

Thanks for your replies again.

 

I agree with the stuff you guys are saying, however if I am going to try to come to terms with this woman, I also have to listen to what she tells me and judge her by both her actions and her words.

 

She has been treating me good since this came out and she understands that I am deeply hurt by her actions. What I don't understand is how she was willing and able to do what she did? And how I can begin to come to terms with it?

 

I'm not sure of how many of the main components of a good relationship that we currently have. I know that I want them all and I'm willing to work on them.

 

I'm in this relationship because I deeply love this woman and I've be in love with her since started to she her in 1983. That's why I'm with this woman.

 

With regards to anything that I may have done...I have always been faithful to this woman...without exception. I would be not be telling the truth if I said that I didn't think about cheating on her...but I have never done it.

 

We have discussed this experience with the councilor and he is meeting again with my wife tomorrow. The meeting is supposed to gather info regarding what my wife would like to change in our relationship and how can we begin to accept, heal and improve.