Mom's animosity towards dad is killing me.

[neveragain2493]

My mom divorced my dad when I was months old. She always said he was a sorry man, and she wasn't going to put up with it. He gave her hell through the divorce. I did not see or talk to my father from the age of 2 to the age of 16. No birthday gifts, cards, calls, or letters. Nothing. I was basically raised by my grandfather; I even call him dad.

Last summer, my father came into my life and said he wanted to build a relationship. He remarried to another woman and had my half sister on the way. I agreed to try and get to know him. Of course, mom wasn't happy.

 

I'm now seventeen, and no matter what problem arises, my mom always brings up my dad. Every argument boils down to my dad, even cleaning the house. When I asked to see my boyfriend the other night, she went ballistic. She told me if I went to celebrate my seventeenth birthday with my father to not come back home because I wasn't welcome. She said she was sick of living with me because I'm just as 'sorry and worthless' as my father. She even pushed me. She told me she would rather be miserable without me than with me. She claimed the only reason she didn't leave me before is because I'm her child. I didn't say anything; I just started crying.

 

As she puts it, she helped me through heartbreak, illnesses, etc. and now that my dad has come into my life, I've welcomed him with open arms and neglected her. She says I think he's a wonderful man. The truth is, I don't at all. I'm not a huge fan of my dad, but we occasionally talk. When I try to tell her, she won't believe me.

 

Now little things have my mom saying I can live with my dad. I have never said a word about my mother to my father. I understand my mom having so much animosity towards my dad, and I know she doesn't mean what she says, but it still hurts. I try to ignore it because I've listened to it so much that they're just words.

I don't know what to say or do... or even how to handle it.

Edited February 19, 2010 by neveragain2493

[Angel1111]

Wow, I'm sorry you've been put in the middle of your parent's issues. I think the biggest part of the problem is your mother's insecurities. She sacrificed a lot in her life to raise you and now she feels betrayed because you're seeing your father, who was never there during the hard times. She's wrong to handle it the way she has, of course, but I'm just saying that's how she is apparently feeling.

 

I think the fact that you haven't talked to your mom about your dad is maybe part of the problem. She doesn't know how you feel about the whole thing so she has to fill in the blanks, so to speak. I would talk to her if I were you. Let her know that regardless of how much of a jerk he might be, he is still a part of your flesh and blood and you would like to know who he is, and that you have the right to feel that way. Let her know that no one will ever replace her in your heart, that you understand the sacrifices she made for you, how she was there for you all your life. This will go a long way to soften her heart.

 

The other side of this coin is that while I understand you wanting to get to know your dad - and I think it's important that you do - I wouldn't be too quick to put him front-and-center. Meaning that if you have a birthday and you spend it with one of your parents, your mother should be the one to get preferential treatment. You can celebrate birthdays and holidays with your dad at a later time. Honestly, he doesn't deserve to be put first. If you're not doing that, then your mother is just making assumptions. Again, just talk to her and ease her mind that she will always be #1 in your life.

 

As a child, you shouldn't have to do any of this but this is obviously a huge deal to your mom. I can kind of understand it but I don't understand her blowing up at you like that. She could've just as easily just sat down and talked to you about her fears and pain. Believe me when I tell you that you mom loves you a great deal. There is apparently a great deal of hurt, though, where your dad is concerned and I think if you just remain sensitive to that, things should get back to normal.

[Gunny376]

Excuse me? The father's the jerk! Because he wasn't 'there' all of these years?

 

Maybe he was off busy doing something else like serving his country, putting his life on the line for God, country, and his little girl?

 

There's a such thing as "Parental Alienation" and its hugh among women when it comes to divorce and separation. Many a man have heard the words, "If you leave you will never see your children again!"

 

Many women when they force the man out of the relationship want them out of their lives they want them out of their children's lives as well!

 

I've got a buddy of mine who divorced his first wife. Unknown to him? She was pregno with his son. He joined the Navy, and she told her son that his Daddy had died in a car accident.

 

Flash forward she and he had an argument and in fit of rage said, "I should send you to live with your Daddy!" He was seventeen when he found out his "real" Dad was alive and well and serving in the Navy.

 

I got married when I was 22, From 1979 until 1990 I earned between $375,00 to $400,000 and spent every dime of it on my wife and family,

 

I got divorced in 1991.

 

I gave the XHEX the tax deductions for the children, everything from a 12 year marriage, and paid over $75,000 in child support (after tax) ~ and yet? I'm still the "Jerk"

 

The reson I wasn't there for the Saturday T-ball games, etc? I was a little busy in Rwanda, Cuba, Haitia, Hurricane Andrew Relief, Kuwait, Saudia Arabia, Iraqi just to name a few.

[soup]

Gunny, please take you issues to another thread. This one's for helping a girl who is having trouble with her mother. Nobody said anything about the father being a jerk or anything about being in the services.

 

OP this is really hard.

When my parents divorced I had to listen to my mum rage about my dad, saying things that weren't true. She was obviously very bitter even though she was the one who divorced him. But I was allowed to see him. Perhaps my mum felt secure because we had been to a lawyer and I had "chosen" to live with my mum.

 

Your mum is so jealous she even thinks you're going to see your dad when you want to see your boyfriend.

 

It's hard to get an idea of what your mum's like. Is there likely to be a good time when she's calm that you can talk about this or will she just fly off the handle? Maybe if you start the conversation by saying how much you love living with her etc before going on to the issues.

 

Could you show her this thread? Maybe if she realises how you feel she will relent a bit.

 

Or even write her a note or letter?

 

Last resort:

If you really can't get her to talk rationally then all you can do is accept the way she is and grow up fast. It's a very hard thing to do. I guess you've already worked out that parents are just people who make silly mistakes, act irrationally, get hurt and take it out in the wrong way sometimes, just like young people and all people.

In the end it's a calculation you have to make: how much is she making me suffer vs. how much do I need/love her.

From 18-24 I hardly saw my mum, usually at Christmas and maybe one more time a year. Now I see her nearly every week.

But I made a decision to leave home and had a life with friends, work, college etc.

[neveragain2493]

Gunny, I'm sure you're upset, but my father never fought for his country. In fact, he remarried after divorcing my mother and got out of my life. He didn't pay child support; he barely paid it while married to my mother. In fact, he forged checks with my mom's name.

 

I highly doubt I could show her this thread, but talking to her seems like all I can do. However, it's impossible to do so without walking on eggshells.

 

Friday, my mom called me while I was at my boyfriend's and asked if I planned to go to my dad's. I came home a bit past midnight, and she accused me of going to see my dad. Last night, my boyfriend and I went to a 7:10 movie and didn't get out until 10 or so.. My mom called and asked if I went to see my dad. Today, after I explained the movie to her in full detail, she later got angry and accused me of seeing my dad the night before. When I explained that he sent me a message on Facebook that said "sorry you couldn't make it", she just said, "Yeah, but I'm sure you planned it. That's exactly how you both are."

Even my boyfriend thinks it's ridiculous. My grandfather explains to my mom that the way she is acting will only push me towards my dad, but she clearly doesn't care. She said she couldn't care less if it did. He also tries to tell her I'm only curious, and that since I'm approaching adulthood, I should be making my own decisions... I'm glad one person in my family understands.