Does this seem odd to anyone?

[phineas]

I'm an almost single father. (near divorce)

I've been sort of friends with a single mom the same age as me (38) for about 5 months.

We talk on the phone once or twice a week & we've gotten our kids together to play a few times.

 

We've never talked about us dateing or anything like that so I just assumed we were aquaintances / friends & nothing more.

 

She's very cool & very attractive but i'm not the type to hold a torch for someone not interested in me that way so I have not problem just being friends.

 

I havn't seen too much attention whoreing from her but she has asked me to help with a few things on her house. However, she is lending me some expensive farm equipment she owns so i'll call that even as long as it doesn't get to the point where she invites me out then tries to get me to fix something. i'm not down with that.

 

She is single by choice.

Actually i'm single by choice right now also so it sort of works out for both of us.

 

The other day she suggested we rent a cabin this summer & take our kids camping. I really wasn't sure how to respond to that.

 

She's also started telling me she hopes i'll come out more in the summer (she lives about 40 mins away. It's a straight drive on an interstate & plowing is sketchy in that neck of the woods so weather plays a part when it comes to either of us meeting somewhere with our kids)

 

The way I look at it she's never even been to my house but she's willing to spend a weekend with me & 4 kids in a cabin in the woods?

 

That's just damn odd to me.

Am I just missing some unkown aspect of single parents hanging out?

 

Either she's digging me and probing my interest or she really thinks i'm going to stay single this summer & spend my free time with her.

 

Anyone?

[gregp]

Why not go with her proposal and see what happens?

[2sure]

You are friends. She feels comfortable enough with you and your children to invite you to her home, to lend you expensive equipment, and in turn to ask favors of you.

 

She may see you as an unthreatening solo guy with shared interests.

It can be difficult for a single parent to take the kids on vacation. Things like that are almost always easier shared.

 

This sounds like a friendship that could work well for you both.

[Art_Critic]

You are friends. She feels comfortable enough with you and your children to invite you to her home, to lend you expensive equipment, and in turn to ask favors of you.

 

She may see you as an unthreatening solo guy with shared interests.

It can be difficult for a single parent to take the kids on vacation. Things like that are almost always easier shared.

 

This sounds like a friendship that could work well for you both.

 

Yeah.. what she said...

[Meaplus3]

Hi there. It sounds to me like she thinks very highly of you. Now, as for a trip to the cabin, that might be her way of saying she'd like to get closer. Not certain.. simply a guess. I say go on the trip and see how it goes. If you are not comfy, you can always leave. Best of luck.

 

Mea:)

[phineas]

Well, i'm not the kind of guy that would be friends with a woman so I could scam on them.

 

And I must admit, it is easier for 2 people to watch 4 kids than one person to watch 2 considering 2 are usually in a stroller & we do work well together in that respect.

 

This whole REAL friends with a woman thing is new to me.

every time & I mean every time a woman wanted to be just friends with me they tried to use me in some way.

 

I guess i'm just waiting for the other foot to drop.

[Angel1111]

I'm curious to know why you're so convinced that she isn't interested in you beyond friendship. Not all women ask men on dates, and not all of them are even that obvious about their feelings. If she is interested, then you've really missed the signs. If she's not, then she just thinks of you as a friend. The only way to know for sure is to ask her. But if you're not interested in her anyway, then don't bring it up.

 

And, btw, she won't be able to use you if you don't let her.

[phineas]

I'm curious to know why you're so convinced that she isn't interested in you beyond friendship. Not all women ask men on dates, and not all of them are even that obvious about their feelings. If she is interested, then you've really missed the signs. If she's not, then she just thinks of you as a friend. The only way to know for sure is to ask her. But if you're not interested in her anyway, then don't bring it up.

 

And, btw, she won't be able to use you if you don't let her.

 

I admit, I am the poster child for the clueless male when it comes to this.

Ya gotta write it on a 2x4 with magic marker & hit me in the head with it. LOL!

 

But, I don't think she'd talk about the guys who hit on her or that she'd deffinetly date one of her ex's that facebook'd her the other day & just moved back to the area after his divorce if she was interested in me.

 

granted she does complain how she has no social life & had nobody special to spend V-day with but i really think that's the v-day depression some people get when their alone.

 

This is stuff that just happened last week. I noticed a our conversations were just very different than the light -hearted day-to day we talked about.

 

Can I possibly be so clueless?

 

Also, I said women TRIED to use me. It doesn't take much for me to realize it & drop them. This resulted in many angry e-mails usually about how much of a jerk I am for not wanting to fix their car for free, or other such things.

[SuburbanOblivion]

But, I don't think she'd talk about the guys who hit on her or that she'd deffinetly date one of her ex's that facebook'd her the other day & just moved back to the area after his divorce if she was interested in me.

*Trying to make you jealous.* *Hint*

 

granted she does complain how she has no social life & had nobody special to spend V-day with... *Hint*

 

...

 

Can I possibly be so clueless?

 

Yes.

[phineas]

it's strange how things work.

 

she called me tonight.

I told her to guess what i was doing next weekend & she asked if I had a date. I didn't, i'm going to a company function & get to wear a Hawaiian shirt!!

 

Then she mentioned she hadn't seen the guy who brought her candy & said he wasn't her type anyways & she didn't know her type.

Then went into saying she was too tired to date & didn't want to deal with the drama & maybe after she is done breast feeding (didn't know she still was) she'd try dating.

 

Then she told me about inexpensive camping sets for kids, asked me about getting a canoe with her to take the kids on & mentioned her cottage & trying to go up there with just the kids for a weekend also.

 

But, if one of us is dateing that will probably never happen.

 

see why i'm confused?

She's all over the map.

 

were going to get together next weekend with the kids.

so i'm just treating it as a friendship & nothing more for now & won't be passing up any opportunities with other women that come my way.

 

Thanks all.

[SuburbanOblivion]

What she says-"Haven't seen the guy who brought me candy, he wasn't my type anyways"

What she means-"Hey, other guys notice me..why aren't you?"

 

What she says-"I'm too tired to date"

What she means-"The whole singles scene sucks, but the right guy could change my mind about dating"

 

You really are as thick as mud aren't you? Ask her out before she decides you are a hopeless case.

[Barky]

"When in doubt, you're out."

 

Read it, know it, live it. If there's any doubt in your mind as to whether she's interested in jumping your bones, she ain't interested in jumping your bones. It's true 95% of the time, and the other 5% would waste your time trying to figure out that it's not true.

 

If you want to date, you should be dating lots of other women, not sitting around writing random posts on the internet about this one.

 

As far as you're concerned, she's a friend and will continue to remain so until she's "hit you over the head" with so many clues that you have no doubt about her intentions.

 

As "just a friend" she should also be the last on your calendar. If you have a date that comes up during the time that you and she would be doing something, feel free to cancel on her to go on your date.

[phineas]

"When in doubt, you're out."

 

Read it, know it, live it. If there's any doubt in your mind as to whether she's interested in jumping your bones, she ain't interested in jumping your bones. It's true 95% of the time, and the other 5% would waste your time trying to figure out that it's not true.

 

If you want to date, you should be dating lots of other women, not sitting around writing random posts on the internet about this one.

 

As far as you're concerned, she's a friend and will continue to remain so until she's "hit you over the head" with so many clues that you have no doubt about her intentions.

 

As "just a friend" she should also be the last on your calendar. If you have a date that comes up during the time that you and she would be doing something, feel free to cancel on her to go on your date.

 

I automatically assumed we were just friends because we have shared past dating experiences. Just about every boyfriend she had started out as "just friends". then they cheated on her.

 

The last one sounded like a player to me. He was clearly a rebound guy. He also turned into a complete control freak when she got pregnant with him.

he was also cheating on her.

They have a kid together & he's an ass to her every time he picks up the baby.

 

I really didn't want any part of that.

 

So i've treated it as We are "just Friends". I treat her like any of my other friends.

I have canceled on her a couple of times (with a few days notice) if something else came up I wanted to do.

 

It was just last week I noticed a change in the way she was talking to me. "when in doubt, your out" is a good philosophy except i am totally clueless when it comes to women. they all flirt with me. The ones I ask out try to jerk me around. The one's I didn't ask out wound up asking me out & it was a total surprise.

 

Right now i'm single by choice. I'm not chasing after women & it isn't because of her.

It's because I have my kids 5 days a week & i'm remodeling my bedroom my way now that the STBXW is out of the house. I also want to remodel my kitchen before the summer & have a divorce lawyer to pay.

 

I'd be interested in being more than friends but i think i said unless the woman makes it clear she feels the same they are low priority.

 

And this is when I've run into problems in the past with women friends. They didn't want to jump my bones as you put it, but they expected me to make them high priority & that's why I stopped being friends with women a long time ago. were talking probably 10yrs since i've been "just friends" with a woman.

 

I've known her for 5 months & only seen her in person maybe 4 times & only with our kids & she has initiated all but one of those meet ups.

 

When i suggested we get the kids together the first time she said "it was a date", I flaked a little because I wasn't looking for that at the time & I figured i'd completely blown it then & decided to respect the boundaries of friendship from that point on.

 

I'm not spending time with her in hopes she'll jump my bones.

I'm spending time with her because it's nice to have adult contact with someone who fully understands my situation & we work well together when it comes to handling the kids in public places.

Edited February 20, 2010 by phineas

[Barky]

I'm not spending time with her in hopes she'll jump my bones.

I'm spending time with her because it's nice to have adult contact with someone who fully understands my situation & we work well together when it comes to handling the kids in public places.

 

Then enjoy your friendship.. you don't need to worry about what's on her mind.

[SuburbanOblivion]

Actually, forget my previous posts. For all your asking, you've made it clear in this last one you aren't even interested in her that way. So whether she is is really a non-issue.

[phineas]

Actually, forget my previous posts. For all your asking, you've made it clear in this last one you aren't even interested in her that way. So whether she is is really a non-issue.

 

It is an issue.

it's a big issue.

I think she is a great person.

I like her personality & find her attractive.

 

But , I have zero confidence in myself because of my wife's affair & leaving me for a complete looser & have a romantic interest dead zone.

 

Also, her ex- did a number on her & made her feel like she wasn't good enough.

I can tell from talking to her last night she really does feel like she isn't good enough.

 

She got on about the things her ex said she had to change or he was walking on her after he got her pregnant. She had to stop working, she had to start dressing a certain way, she needed to start wearing make-up ect before he moved into her house.

 

She refused & he bailed on her.

 

I've been on LS long enough to recognize the signs.

I really don't think trying to date her now is a good idea.

I honestly am happy just being friends for now & I think for the sake of preventing some kind of implosion that is all we should be for now.

 

Like I said, I thought we were just friends until she recently started acting weird & I was wondering if she had other ideas.

Edited February 21, 2010 by phineas

[Barky]

Then like I said, enjoy your friendship and don't worry about what's on her mind. Save the drama for yo mama.

[phineas]

Then like I said, enjoy your friendship and don't worry about what's on her mind. Save the drama for yo mama.

 

I think I knew that.

I just needed someone else to tell me. LOL!

[In_Repair]

You think that not worrying about what's on her mind, while the relationship constantly progresses, is the best way to avoid drama?

 

She has told you that her past romantic partners have started off as just friends. You are now one of her "friends", and it sounds to me like you have moved to the front of the pack. Your lives are mingled to the point that a clean break would not be possible, and you are even planning family vacations together... you need to know what she is thinking and what she wants.

 

I guess it's somewhat possible, in a galaxy far far away, that she could JUST want to be friends... or she could sincerely be timid and jaded from past experiences and she wants to feel you out before getting too close... or you could already have one foot in a classic man trap scenario.

[Barky]

Doubt it. Sitting around worrying about what other people are thinking ain't my idea of a good time.

[In_Repair]

Doubt it. Sitting around worrying about what other people are thinking ain't my idea of a good time.

 

So you never worry about what anyone else is thinking?

 

OP, this whole thing might actually be a simple friendship and nothing more... but then, it might also be a ticket to your own little hell ride. You want to test it out? Make her think you are involved with another woman and see what happens, see how she reacts. She might be happy for you... or she might immediately repossess that expensive equipment, tell everyone what a dog you are - including the children, and throw a brick through your window. Some women are crazy man, and something just isn't "right" here...

[phineas]

So you never worry about what anyone else is thinking?

 

OP, this whole thing might actually be a simple friendship and nothing more... but then, it might also be a ticket to your own little hell ride. You want to test it out? Make her think you are involved with another woman and see what happens, see how she reacts. She might be happy for you... or she might immediately repossess that expensive equipment, tell everyone what a dog you are - including the children, and throw a brick through your window. Some women are crazy man, and something just isn't "right" here...

 

Kind of extreme sides of the scale there. But I know what you mean by crazy women. I apparantly married one.

She doesn't want me, but she sure doesn't want me moving on.

sucks to be her I guess.

 

It could be friends, it could be she was burned & abandoned & doesn't trust me yet, it could be like you said, she is a life sucking vortex that wants to add me to her army of validation.

 

I posted because the recent desire to spend a lot of this summer together just struck me as damn odd.

 

I'll see her this weekend & see what's going on.

 

She knows i've got options but in the past i've told her i didn't feel like pursueing them just yet.

 

Also, i've noticed this change in behavior came on after the last time I saw her. (around V-day) I assumed she was just feeling lonely on V-day.

But, I guess I was just focusing on the fat I still want to loose & lack of definition on my mid-section & ignoring that my upper arms are stretching my shirt sleeves or i'm starting to look like i'm wearing shoulder pads because people I havn't seen in a month or so are like WTF happened to you? looking surprised & telling me how buff i'm looking.

 

She hadn't seen me in about a month or so also so maybe she's like WTF?!?.

 

Maybe that's why the chick who blew me off a while back has started flirting with me in a major way.

 

I'm simply just looking good & feeling good only recently.

[troggleputty]

I'm an almost single father. (near divorce)

 

You shouldn't even contemplate starting a "relationship" with a new woman until your divorce is finalized. And probably not for at least several months thereafter.

 

As for purely casual sex, well, that might be a different matter...

 

 

I've been sort of friends with a single mom the same age as me (38) for about 5 months.

We talk on the phone once or twice a week & we've gotten our kids together to play a few times.

 

Why are you friends with her? Did you carefully select her or did she just happen to be "there" (i.e. physical proximity)? It actually sounds like the extent of your "relationship" is that you are both single parents and your kids have had some play dates. Beyond that you don't really know anything about her except she is probably, at her age, and as a single mom, desperately looking for a man. And most likely she's not too choosy. That's not meant to be a knock on you; it's just a fact.

 

 

We've never talked about us dateing or anything like that so I just assumed we were aquaintances / friends & nothing more.

 

No you are a couple of lonely parents who vaguely know each other via having your kids playing together now and then. You know absolutely nothing about this woman.

 

 

 

She's very cool & very attractive but i'm not the type to hold a torch for someone not interested in me that way so I have not problem just being friends.

 

OK she's a looker. I don't know what "very cool" means; evidently she's personable at least on a superficial social level. Again this tells you almost nothing of significance about her. Also she does have kid(s) and she's a single mom, showing that she's made bad choices in past relationships.

 

 

I haven't seen too much attention whoring from her but she has asked me to help with a few things on her house. However, she is lending me some expensive farm equipment she owns so i'll call that even as long as it doesn't get to the point where she invites me out then tries to get me to fix something. i'm not down with that.

 

To keep things on the up and up you should definitely offer to pay her something for the use of her farm equipment. If she wants to turn down your offer, fine. But never owe anything to anyone if you can help it. I realize that you're doing favors for her as well. But you should be very up front about being willing to pay for the farm equipment so she doesn't think you will be obligated to her in some way. Again you don't really know this woman that well.

 

 

 

She is single by choice.

 

LOL. No 38 year old woman with children is "single by choice." They are single by necessity. No sane woman wants to raise a child/children by herself.

 

 

Actually i'm single by choice right now also so it sort of works out for both of us.

 

Look. Any relationship you have, either with this one or a future person, has to be based on reality and honesty. You're not "single by choice." You're single because you just couldn't tolerate being married to your wife anymore, so you're getting divorced. You had a bad marriage and are exiting it.

 

 

The other day she suggested we rent a cabin this summer & take our kids camping. I really wasn't sure how to respond to that.

 

The only way to respond to a suggestion like this is to ask her to clarify the details. What cabin? Where? How much will it cost and what will the split be? Who will be staying there? How many rooms? There should be at least four rooms, right? (One for you; one for her; one for her kids; one for your kids.) "We" should rent a cabin may mean that "I" (i.e. your single mom "friend") can't afford the rental fees by herself, and wants you to "chip in." If that's what she means, then you may find yourself somehow out of a friendship and out of a cabin by the time summertime rolls around and you've already contributed your share of the non-refundable cabin deposit.

 

Tell her that she should go ahead and rent the cabin that she was planning to rent, and maybe you and your kids could visit for a while as her guests at some point during the summer, but you haven't really solidified any plans, you want to keep things flexible. And tell her if you do end up visiting you will be happy to chip in towards the rent for the time you do stay with her and her family, groceries, etc.

 

But, make no promises and make no commitments.

 

 

 

She's also started telling me she hopes i'll come out more in the summer (she lives about 40 mins away. It's a straight drive on an interstate & plowing is sketchy in that neck of the woods so weather plays a part when it comes to either of us meeting somewhere with our kids)

 

Again this is quite vague. It sounds like an "almost invitation." If she happens to ACTUALLY invite you to her place for a specific time period, and you and your kids are available, then by all means take her up on the invitation. If you feel like it.

 

Actually the more I think about it, the more it seems as if this woman is just giving the kind of signals a woman gives when she is "leading you on." This does not seem "real" to me. "Real" to me would be her wanting to invite JUST YOU (and not the kids) over for dinner, just the two of you. (Kids go to babysitters.)

 

 

 

The way I look at it she's never even been to my house but she's willing to spend a weekend with me & 4 kids in a cabin in the woods?

 

Oh it's only for a weekend? Did she actually invite you to her cabin as her guest? No she didn't. Again just tell her: "Well let me know when you have actually set up your plans and if it fits in maybe we can get together."

 

That's just damn odd to me.

Am I just missing some unknown aspect of single parents hanging out?

 

This woman makes piss-poor choices when it comes to relationships. She has a history of it, right?

 

For one thing, it is a truism that if she is actually "interested" in you, she shouldn't be exposing her children to you, not until there's some clarity that the two of you will actually be able to maintain some semblance of a relationship.

 

 

 

Either she's digging me and probing my interest or she really thinks i'm going to stay single this summer & spend my free time with her.

 

Anyone?

 

No you have to look at the big picture. This woman is lonely, scared, and in denial. She's a 38 year old single mom. You happen to be in a similar situation right now, so there's a sympathy between you in addition to the casual friendship.

 

She's probably the type of woman who's had a history of getting involved with men that she doesn't know too well, way too fast, on a superficial basis.

 

She may be a nice enough person but there are kids involved and you have to be very very careful. She kind of sounds desperate to draw you in for some reason but is not able to do it in an appropriate fashion.

 

I would not share a cabin with this woman and her family. Even for a weekend. The only way I would consider doing something like this would be if she and her kids got a cabin, and perhaps you and your kids also got a separate cabin at the same site. That way you could vacation together, but nothing inappropriate could happen, and if a relationship between the two of you is in the cards, it would give appropriate space for it to develop appropriately.

 

That's assuming you're even still talking to this woman by the time summer rolls around.

 

TAKE. IT. SLOW.

[troggleputty]

It is an issue.

it's a big issue.

I think she is a great person.

I like her personality & find her attractive.

 

Well your attraction to her is a given, or else there'd be no discussion at all. You don't know if she's a great person--you don't even know her well enough to ask her what her feelings are towards you! You've never spent any "alone" time with her of any significance.

 

Please understand this: you are still in shell shock and will be for quite some time. She may be as well.

 

The only thing you know about this woman is that her prior relationship with the father of her child/children was unsuccessful. She is a 38 year old single mom and therefore her FIRST priority, and most likely her ONLY priority, is how she is going to take care of her child. She may also be looking for some casual sex. The only way you know that is to man up and put a move on her.

 

But , I have zero confidence in myself because of my wife's affair & leaving me for a complete looser & have a romantic interest dead zone.

 

That's perfectly natural. But if you have zero confidence at this point then it stands to reason that even a pretty trashy woman might be looking pretty good to you at this point. This single mom might be a complete piece of trash objectively speaking but due to your zero confidence she might look like a princess to you.

 

She's immediately suggesting that you shack up at her cabin (obviously trying to suggest sexual possibilities) and you think she's Ms. Wonderful?

 

C'mon dude. If you're horny and would like to bang her, then admit that to yourself. If you would like to follow up on that, then do so: ask her out to dinner, no kids, your treat. Then take her back to her place or your place and try to bang her. If you don't want to do that, then don't. But don't get your mind all twisted up in romantic fantasies, which you seem to be almost doing, while trying to believe that you are not doing that.

 

 

Also, her ex- did a number on her & made her feel like she wasn't good enough.

I can tell from talking to her last night she really does feel like she isn't good enough.

 

See? Not "single by choice." Dumped is more like it.

 

Two people with zero self-esteem generally don't make for a very good relationship together. Again this sounds like it's basically a platform for some drunken rebound sex followed by the obligatory walk of shame the morning after. But do please get a babysitter if you go that route. Nothing would be more tawdry then banging this broad while the kids are watching SpongeBob videos in the next room.

 

She got on about the things her ex said she had to change or he was walking on her after he got her pregnant. She had to stop working, she had to start dressing a certain way, she needed to start wearing make-up ect before he moved into her house.

 

Oh joy, she's using you as a "girlfriend" to vent about her "ex." Actually she sounds kind of like she might be a potential psycho/bunny boiler. Blaming all her problems on the evil ex, rather than on her own poor choices. The first question I would be asking this tramp is why the heck she decided it would be a good idea to get pregnant by an @sshole without benefit of getting married first. "He" didn't "get her pregnant." Not by himself anyway. She had a hand in it. Know what I mean?

 

Nah you don't need another loser like this, except maybe for some casual sex. Don't replay your bad marriage in your future relationships dude. Make good choices. Or at least try your best. You HAVE to be way more selective than this. You CAN'T just fall in love with whatever trash the cat drags in simply because you're lonely, you're lacking in confidence, you're shell shocked.

 

 

 

She refused & he bailed on her.

 

So much for "single by choice." She got herself pregnant by an @sshole, he wanted her to start acting like a "lady" rather than a tramp if she expected him to play the role of her "baby daddy," and she'd be damned if any man--even the father of her child--was going to tell her the way to live. Just one bad choice after another by this woman.

 

She let her ego get in the way of the needs of her child--which was having the father in the house.

 

 

I've been on LS long enough to recognize the signs.

I really don't think trying to date her now is a good idea.

I honestly am happy just being friends for now & I think for the sake of preventing some kind of implosion that is all we should be for now.

 

I wouldn't have a serious relationship with her, and I wouldn't be "friends" with her, not beyond simply letting your kids play with each other. Or perhaps casual meaningless sex as long as it's clear it's NSA/FWB situation (probably impossible with this one, once you bang her you won't be able to get rid of her without a court order).

 

Like I said, I thought we were just friends until she recently started acting weird & I was wondering if she had other ideas.

 

"Acting wierd." Trust your instincts. She's acting wierd because she is wierd.

 

Do you want "wierd" for your children?

[Barky]

I think you're posting in a dead topic. Give the guy a few months and see if his single mom friend jumps on him and rips his clothes off. Otherwise I think this is a non-event.