How long should you give your ex girlfriend time?

[abdellost]

i think most of you know the story: She broke up with me a month ago after 5 years. it was a fast break up, a text, and a min phone call of me crying to her. no cheating, no other person. just a lot of stress, a lot. and her mom not liking me after a small misunderstanding (2 years ago problem). and just a lot of small stuff that might made her snap.we usually had to sneak around to see each other for a little bit. we messaged, talked, wrote, held each other every day. she would go crazy if i dont write her i love u in every text message. she never let my hand go when we were together. but suddenly she ended it, something i never saw coming. she would rather die then leave me (her own words a week before the argument) and she really was sooo happy with me. never seen her that happy. People told me to give her time (been almost a month). she told me the day of the break up, theres no hope and i shouldnt try or anything. to just move on my life. just to go on and not to wait for hope, cuz theres none.... wow that killed me. what should i do? i atleast need closure and shes not giving it. i just need closure to at least move on. for me to feel like i can love and trust another girl. that this next girl would deserve me to love her and shower her with my feelings. i dont want to think day by day, that the next girl can just wake up,like my ex, and tlel me she doesnt know if she loves me anymore and its over.i dont want to move on my life like that. its not fair to me or the next love ( if i do love again, trying to convince myself that i can fall in love agian).

 

i understand that NC is meant for healing, but i cant go on and heal if i dont have closure. I was her first love and all. together since we were 16. I do need closure to heal though, i know it. i went to her 2 days after the break up,telling her i need closure but she was flipping out on me, like i took her virginity.( we never did it, only after marriage kind of society we live in). I dunno. she changed her number, i can get it if i wanted to. i just dont know where i am at.its been almost a month

[sean1970]

...she told me the day of the break up, theres no hope and i shouldnt try or anything. to just move on my life. just to go on and not to wait for hope, cuz theres none....

 

ab.... She has has at least made her intentions clear, yes?

 

i understand that NC is meant for healing, but i cant go on and heal if i dont have closure ... I do need closure to heal though, i know it

 

What would be closure to you and how do you think you are going to get it?

 

i just dont know where i am at.its been almost a month

 

You do know where you are with her; you just dont want be there or accept it... We get that.. really...

 

If I had to guess, and this is going to be tough, she has met someone else. The reason being is that she does not want to talk to you about it at all and cut off all communication quickly. She feels guilt and does not want reveal that to you or explain it.

 

With that, What else really is left to do ab? You will never 'force' her to tell you anything.

 

Read this and the link in my signiture: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t221821/

Edited February 19, 2010 by sean1970

[LostInLimbo]

Hi Abdell, I feel for you, not to sound mean, but what closure do you need to hear? after she said its done, you have no chance..

 

Let go, she left, she holds the cards if she wants to get back, she knows where you are and how to contact you..don't get sucked in on false hopes as I did.

 

Best of luck AB

 

LiL

[skydiveaddict]

i understand that NC is meant for healing, but i cant go on and heal if i dont have closure. I was her first love and all. together since we were 16. I do need closure to heal though, i know it. i went to her 2 days after the break up,telling her i need closure but she was flipping out on me, like i took her virginity.( we never did it, only after marriage kind of society we live in). I dunno. she changed her number, i can get it if i wanted to. i just dont know where i am at.its been almost a month

 

 

 

You already have your closure my friend. She simply wants out of the relationship. Why do you feel the need to hear all the gory details?

It's only gonna make you feel worse.

Edited February 19, 2010 by skydiveaddict

[USMCHokie]

she told me the day of the break up, theres no hope and i shouldnt try or anything. to just move on my life. just to go on and not to wait for hope, cuz theres none....

 

I do need closure to heal though, i know it.

 

i just dont know where i am at.

 

 

There is your closure right there. It doesn't get any more blatant or obvious than that...

 

I know exactly where you're at. And that's not with her...

 

Sorry, my friend, but as hard as it is to see and accept, it's over and you really need to move on...women are only as sincere as their actions...and her actions show that it's over...

[CaliGuy]

Too many people want their exes to give them closure when being together or not is a "feeling" -- and feelings are not easily explained.

 

Closure is what you make of it. Make your own. She decided to end it for whatever reason. You don't really have a choice in this matter and you will most likley never get an answer from her that will satisfy you.

 

It's like asking the question "What is the meaning of life?" Nobody has the sure answer. It's what you make of it -- just like closure.

 

I think you're better off sticking to NC and looking at today and tomorrow -- not the past. The past is done and over with and can not be changed. No amount of sulking in the past is going to change the present or future. Never has, never will.

[abdellost]

I am confused. how after almost 5 years i get at text to break it off? When the day before she was crying cause she was afraid to leave me (she was traveling for 2 weeks with her parents) and she was afraid i can hate her and leave her, after this small argument we had. I was the one on the pedstal, if it came to anything, it would have been i that would have broken it off because she was holding me back on my life. 5 years i gave up all my chances and my dreams for her. she knows that. I got into med school but because i would have to travel 6000 miles away and be away from here for years without visits, i gave it away. I gave away alot for her, a lot. The closure im looking for is for her to end it the right way. how the hell am i going to go on loving someone else and treating someone else with care and love, but in the back of my mind ill always be like "she might leave me, she would wake up just one day and tell me its over and she doesnt know if she loves me". How the hell do people go on loving a second, third time? Its like your wife is acting the way she always is, always loving u and cherishing u and telling you everything, just the normal. she wakes up one day and goes "i am sorry,we're not alike.its over. go on with your life". How the hell can i trust someone with my secrets and everything i have?

 

Wouldnt she be acting distant or weird if she found someone else, like someone mentioned? wouldnt she not cry or hold my hand so hard the day before the breakup and argument and tell me not to ever let her go if there was someone else or she might think she feels for someone else?

 

I need closure, not because why she left me, but because i want to feel i can love again, i can trust a girl with everything. My first ex broke my heart, but i wasnt so close to her, i was still able to have feelings for others and trust people. This one, the last ex, took me more than a year to trust her with my feelings, to trust that she can never leave me. Because we are in a religious country, we did things we shouldnt have because thats it, we knew we will be together forever. A week before the break up i was messing with her telling her how if i died i went my cell under the grave with me so she can ring me all the time ( we average atleast 20 rings to eachother a day as a "i love u" ring). she started crying and hitting me that she doesnt want to even think about it, that she wouldnt know what to do with her life if that happened to me.

[LBCBADBOY]

If you sense red flags and a gut feeling that she is seeing/dating with someone else. There is a high probability that she is...trust me on this one. I just found out yesterday that my ex girlfriend basically used me as a safety net to latch on to her new boyfriend whom she met a few days or weeks after we broke up back on May 15 2009. I did all the stupid things like begged for her back and bought her gifts. 9 months later I am still hurt feeling like I just broke up all over again. I was not surprised a bit but finally got the closure that I need to move forward and not contact this girl ever again. Trust me get the closure that you need and move forward into NC man. This is day 1 for me when it should have been 9 months. Take heed my friend.

[DustySaltus]

This is day 1 for me when it should have been 9 months. Take heed my friend.

 

Please listen to this abdel. Nobody here wants to see you go through what we've all gone through any more than you need to. She RAN away...it sucks but she did it NOT you. You were willing to fighter and that's an admirable thing. Don't ever lose that fight inside of you but save it for someone who's willing to give you the same thing in return.

[abdellost]

Please listen to this abdel. Nobody here wants to see you go through what we've all gone through any more than you need to. She RAN away...it sucks but she did it NOT you. You were willing to fighter and that's an admirable thing. Don't ever lose that fight inside of you but save it for someone who's willing to give you the same thing in return.

 

Because how many people keep telling me there might be some one else (on this forum), i ended up having a horrible dream, woke up crying and composed 6 text messages to her (but did not send it yet, not like i know her number). im on the verge of destroying her life. Yes ur right, shes the one that ran away. Ran away the day after she was holding me tight crying scared i can hate her one day. Im so confused. In my head i keep thinking maybe she snapped. Shes the type that doesnt know how to deal with problems and issues and think she does the right things when she really doesnt. I talked to a few girls here age, and they told me sometimes they need a push, to remember the good times and such. I am not willing to give her a dam "push". I just find it that after 5 damn years, a text would not have complete the requirements of a damn break up.

 

A magazine company wants to publish her articles. I was the only one in contact with them, it was meant to be a surprise for her and i been working on it for months now. So now they want to publish it. I am stuck between should i let them publish it or not. confused as hell. Dont know if she deserves it, making me cry every single day all day.

 

Thanks for all your guys help, you guys are simply awesome

[LBCBADBOY]

Abdel trust me on this one man. I am 30 years old and my ex gf is 27, it does not matter how old you are. She does not need the push, in fact by talking to her and being there for her as a safety net only pushes her further away. I have been on LS since the day of my break up back in mid May of last year. I have never posted until yesterday, just reading other peoples post and comparing my past relationship to theirs. Every relationship is different but the patterns are the same. What I am trying to tell you is don't listen to your heart after a break up, listen to your head (logically). Going NC is the best thing man. It's a tough pill to swallow but it must be done. I did not listen to anyone here on LS advices and I feel like crap all over again like day 1 of the break up. I'm going to post my story on LS soon once I kinda gather my thoughts since I'm still shocked and awed and trust me I made all the mistakes only to get burn in the end. Sucks bro....but protect your heart at all cost.

[lovestinks99]

I'm going through the same thing right now. I made the mistake of trying to date a girl 10 years younger than me (im 32) and her interests and mine become more and more evident over the course of 2 years. I made it clear to her what i wasn't looking for in a partner on our 3rd date, and she went about becoming someone that she is not just to make things work. I fell in love, but I was a fool - because all of the pieces were all laid out in front of us for a break up with hard feelings - and I knew it! Should have been a fling, but I am relationship oriented (handicap I think).

 

Fast forward to now, she broke things off and expressed how much she has had to change herself to make me happy (see above where I told her what I was looking for from the start) making her miserable. Initially she wanted "space" but I didn't give it to her - because I knew that was a chicken &*^t way to back out of things. Instead, we met up on my request, and formalized an actual break up which left no room for misguided hope. They (women) all say the same stuff "I need to find myself blah blah blah", but really, women that need space are the same ones that have at least 1-2 guys they are seriously interested in on the side lines just waiting to sub in and a bunch or prospects on the way up.

 

Take note, I've read somewhere and I completely agree that you will know by the 2nd or 3rd date just how a relationship will end (if you're being honest with yourself). Key differences in people, no matter how small they seem, grow over the course of months and years and eventually lead to heart ache.

 

I'm not against relationships, but I will be a lot more careful when I start thinking of long term situations.

 

Advice is for sure break off all contact to the point where you stop thinking about her. Spend all your time and money on yourself, be selfish!! Interview girls carefully when you're dating to screen out all the immature, selfish and confused ones - treat it like you're hiring for the most important job in your business or something ---- DO NOT SETTLE out of loneliness

[confused_pjl]

Lovestinks99 is right on the money. Behind every pretty girl is at least 1-2 guys waiting in line to snatch her.

 

I am in a VERY similar situation that you are. My Ex is 8 yrs younger than me. She made me believe that I was the only one for her, that she couldn't ever leave me, that she wanted to marry me and have my kids. She was SUPER affectionate and loving up until the day she wanted to break up. It was like getting hit by a car. We had 2-3 conversations about the relationship first where she stated she was confused and didn't know what she wanted anymore. Sure enough, I got an email telling me she wanted to break up, a F$&%ing email. I was with my Ex for 3 years. You would think that after everything you share with these woman that they would at least call you or tell you to your face. As mentioned in earlier posts on here, it is because of guilt.

 

I found out, 5 days after we broke up that she was dating someone else. Somebody on LS, I forget who stated "When women aren't happy in a relationship they first check out mentally, then, when they have another guy lined up they check out physically". It really is hard to swallow. My Ex and I have been broken up a little over a month now and have been NC for almost 2 weeks. I'm not going to lie, it hurts and is a VERY tough pill to swallow. However, it IS the best thing for us. We need to find the happiness in ourselves and realize that we are better off. Obviously these girls weren't meant for us if they would do this and make these changes so quickly (at least in our minds). Focus on yourself, find your happiness, move forward and create the life you want. Think of it as a fresh start, the blackboard has been erased and you get to choose what gets written on it.

 

It's going to be hard, I'm going through it right now and it sucks. I've been going to the gym, hanging out with family and friends and doing whatever I can to keep myself busy. I keep telling myself "Everything happens for a reason". Its hard to think about but the more you say it out loud the easier it will be and the better it will make you feel.

 

Hang in there, utilize LS like I do, search the posts, read other posts and take peoples advice. We WILL get through this. Be strong my friend!