contact him or not?

[sarah12]

I posted this back in the dating section a while ago when this guy and I broke things off. Anyways, I wanted some input on this contact/no contact thing..so I'll tell my story again..

 

This guy dated his ex for 4-5 years (I never wanted to know exact timeframe). He fell out of love with ex, ex didn't want to break up but knows it was over, but didnt' want to admit it. So in the end, the guy broke up with ex knowing he could never be with her and the ex is still not over him. About 2 months after the guy broke up with ex for good (it was a long process), he met me and we started dating. We never disclosed information about each other's past b/c we didn't want to know - it does no good in the beginning of a relationship.

 

We got really close and about a few weeks into dating, ex saw us together at a bar and flipped out on him. He got upset too, felt so guilty about it and at the same time was afraid to lose me b/c of it. We talked, I told him I'd be there for him through it and that I was understanding about it, how she is so upset. He said that more than anything he was afraid of losing me (b/c he is definitely over her, he just doesn't like seeing her hurt).

 

One week later, she is at the bar again and this time, he is so scared of her, he basically hides/runs away the whole night and doesn't talk to me. She corners him and gives him a hard time about stuff again and again we talk afterwards and he freaks out and doesn't know what to do. He decides he should give the ex time to heal b/c he feels that is the "right" thing to do. So we are over (indefinitely) and for the next week, I am totally crushed, crying like I never cried before and he is also very upset (according to mutual friends).

 

Finally, I can't take it anymore b/c there was so much that seemed unfinished and I deserved some more answers. So I call him up, his friends say it is the first time he smiled in a week when he heard it was me on the phone. He comes over, we talk, and he decides he wants to still see me. So we are together again and although I am still nervous and obviously jealous about the ex, he reassures me all the time that things are fine, he is definitely over her, he just feels guilty. But since the ex decided she didn't want to talk to him b/c it would help her get over him, I feel that things are ok.

 

We keep seeing each other and have an amazing time, just like how things were before the whole ex situation came up. It was great.

 

The one night, about 2 weeks later, we were out for dinner and then watched a movie at his place. After the movie, we were getting intimate and then the ex situation comes up again, believe it or not, just when we were talking about having sex. He knows that I was unsure of having sex b/c of the whole thing, but I finally felt ready last night b/c he was very reassuring. Turns out that HE is more unsure now becuase he was thinking about the whole thing yesterday. He still feels really guilty that he hurt the ex so much and never wants to hurt anyone like that again. We sit around talking (or more like not talking) in bed for a few hours and I am obviously very saddened/mad/upset about the whole thing b/c I thought the ex thing was over and then it all came up again. So we broke things off again. When we left things, he wanted to hug me but I couldn't do that b/c I could not even look at him, I was extremely upset.

 

2 weeks later I sent him and e-mail telling him how I felt - that I still really care about him and sorry for leaving things as I did (not really saying bye) and that I hope we can still keep in touch. He replied to my e-mail 3 weeks later saying that he really likes me a lot, thinks about what happened with us everyday, and that he never doubted what we had, always knew it was something good (not a rebound). He said that he doesn't think he was ready to date though, b/c he was scared of committment again. He said he promises he'll keep in touch and wants to know how I am doing while we're in difference cities (he went away for 4 months). After that, I talked to him once or twice online and it was good, but I always initiated the conversation.. The last time I talked to him was about a week ago...I want to talk to him so badly but I don't want to initiate contact!

 

What to do? I'm afraid that I am goin to lose him..he'll be back in 4 months but what if he isn't thinking about me anymore? What if he thinks we are over? I don't want to give up on it..I just want to know ..I've promised myself (new year's resolution) to not talk to him unless he talks to me first..should I stick to this? Was I supposed to reply to that last e-mail? I feel like we just wrote those e-mails to explain ourselves and that is all...and that we would probably keep in touch by phone or messenger or something...I feel like I keep going after things and even though we have nice chats when I do, I get tired of it..I just want to talk to him though!

 

But also, part of me wants to give up on him b/c seeing that he has only ever dated 1 girl, I feel even though we do get back together later, he may want to explore his freedom at some point in time..in other words, I have had my share of dating and know what is out there..and I know that he is a good thing..he hasn't done that yet.

 

I have been doing well though with the whole thing..I think I just can't get over the fact that there was nothing 'wrong' with us..and it's just these external factors that are bugging me..plus the fact that I saw his ex yesterday and I think she hates me..and this other girl who was after him for a while, she hates me too

 

Need help! Sorry I am all over the place.

[mandrews1119]

Hi Sarah,

 

It sounds as if he has some issues to work out with his ex. It is good that you want to see him through these times. Be there as much as is comfortable for you, and keep your eyes, as well as your heart open. Be as supportive as you can, but don't compromise yourself. If and when you feel uncomfortable or have started to stress, by all means let him know. Communication is the key here. Make sure he isn't just seeking emotional stability with you, at your expense. Once you feel cool about that, stay the course that makes you happy (truly happy) for as long as it does. I would give it some time - and don't worry, he is not going far from you at all. It may be that you and he have to work your way through some rough waters to make it.

[maxmuscle]

sarah,

 

I admire you. You are strong and willing. You are sticking it through with him. Do he deserves you?

[Marty_McFly]

What is this I'm reading!? Is this really coming from Sarah12, the queen of telling people to follow the no contact rule? It was your advice to KitWalker, Kanuk, and several others, as well as your story about your ex that wouldn't leave you alone, that led me to follow the rule in my own situation!

 

Seriously though, I think your situation is a little bit different from all of those others. It sounds like he really does like you, but is going through a tough time right now. It's not like you dated for a long time and a lot of hurt feelings built up that need time to heal. I don't think you guys were even really able to get a thing going, and probably both of you are kind of left hanging right now. If he is going to be away for 4 months, the contact is already going limited anyway. I think the occasional "What's Up?" email (once a week or every few weeks, and assuming he replies to them) is ok here. Just don't ever mention your relationship. Instead, just ask him how he's doing, what he's been up to, etc. And also tell him what you've been doing, like how your job or whatever is, and also maybe telling him about the fun you have on nights out with "the girls." Obviously not telling him in a way to make him upset or anything, just telling him like you would any other friend of yours. He'll remember you, be glad to hear you're having fun and doing well, and probably wish he was there too. When he returns, the door is then open for you guys to start hanging out again.

 

Hopefully, at that point he will be over his guilt (a tough thing for me to say, since I hope my ex is getting completely eaten up with guilt that she can't possibly function in her new relationship) and things will be ok.

 

Also, thanks for your advice, you provide a woman's point of view that has been very helpful on these boards.

[Marty_McFly]

Also, in the meantime, go out with other guys too, if you can. You don't have to mention them in your emails, but if he ever asks, you can mention them casually.

[sarah12]

Thank you everyone for your replies. Like Marty said, it's helpful to have advice from the opposite sex.

 

Do he deserves you?

I wouldn't be agonizing over this if he didn't! I think that we both know we are great for each other. He mentioned this in his e-mail as well. I just hope that he still feels this way..I don't know why I am so worried..I am not usually this type of person. Someone else mentioned they are the very 'rational' type and I know that I am too. I think mostly with my head and not my heart..but this time, I guess things were different.

It was your advice to KitWalker, Kanuk, and several others, as well as your story about your ex that wouldn't leave you alone, that led me to follow the rule in my own situation!

Oh I know. I have really been strong lately but I think it is the uncertainty of the future with him that worries me. I mean it's like he showed me the chocolate cake and didn't let me eat it. I think you are right that my situation is a bit different though..also, in a way, we are both the same in that we are afraid of each other right now..I am afraid of pushing him too much by talking to him..and I don't want to be the one to always initiate contact...he is afraid of me because he's afraid of hurting me again..I feel like if he's not going to contact me first even though he said he would..then why should I?

 

As for going out with other guys - I really can't see myself doing that. I'd feel somewhat guilty because I know that if he went out with other girls, I wouldn't be too happy either.

I have been out with girlfriends a lot and have met many guys, but I have no desire to even remotely be interested in them.

 

Marty - you were the one that was to be engaged? I don't believe your ex can be very happy with herself right now. I wouldn't worry about her not feeling guilty. She definitely is, but needs the emotional comfort of a new relationship to play off those feelings.

[GoldfingerCymru]

I can't advise on whether you should contact him or not, but I can relate to part of his situation.

 

My ex-gf left me because I would get annoyed and worked up and annoyed after contact with my ex-wife. I was not annoyed at my ex-gf, but at the ex-wife as she would always make things awkward the problem was that I let it build up and fester and would then say things to my ex-gf in anger that I didn't mean. (eg. It's over, need to be alone etc.). I would apologise later (usually 10-20 mins or so) and try to explain. In my situation I was scared that my ex-wife would cause so many problems that my ex-gf would walk away and leave me. The fact was by letting my ex-wife annoy me, it was I who ended up making my ex-gf leave. I think that by getting stressed I walked into my ex-wifes trap and did all her work for her. The fact was that although we didn't have feelings for each other (ex-wife that is), she didn't like seeing me happy while her own situation with her fella was bad. (confused

 

Anyway, see how it goes with your own feelings and stick by him if you can. I may be biased, but this was the time that I really needed my ex-gf to be with me and try to understand the predicament I was in.

 

You sound like a better woman than her as you seem to understand that although his ex will not necessarily stop bugging him, she will eventually give up.

 

Just a pity my ex-gf didn't do that for me, although I do not blame her as not only do I still love her, but she has never been married and just didn't understand that people can get annoyed at situations in which they have no control.

 

You go with your heart and your love - I really hope it works out for you both. You love him enough to understand his predicament.

[mandrews1119]

I know exactly where you are coming from. My situation was caused by the damage my child's mother did to my s/o and I. I think she just couldn't take anymore, and the pain of my reacting to what my son's mother did or was doing on many levels reads like a horror story. She even went so far as to insult her after a miscarriage, and lie to her about being with me when all I was doing was spending time with my son (who is a special needs child). We are long term, and there is a lot of love between us, so that gives me hope and strength. I guess that is why we can appreciate a good woman like sarah, who is willing to "hang tough". Hope it goes well for you too.!

[sarah12]

You guys have been so supportive!

 

Well I decided that I go through periods of desperation to talk to him and other times I keep myself busy and don't even want to talk to him. About 99% of me wants to give up right now because, like I said, I am a very rational person and it is all or nothing with me. But then there is that 1% of me that finds it extremely hard to give it up. It's that part of me that has tiny bits of patience left..I know I haven't even had to wait that long..but I am extremely impatient..I don't know how to help that..it's just who I am.. the feeling of "not knowing" is too much to bear..

 

I am torn now between waiting and holding on, and completely giving up and letting faith run its course..by this I mean, my heart can hold on until he comes back and see how things go..if they go at all...or I can give up now, force myself to move on, force him out of my mind, and then maybe sometime, at a much later date (a year or more from now), we can see where we are..

 

We are both young..I keep telling myself that there is no rush...we have the rest of our lives to be together..and if right now is not the time..then so be it..if we know that we are only truly happy with each other..then we will find each other..I am almost sure that if I let him go now..I will find him again in some time...

[Marty_McFly]

I know how you feel about having good days and bad days. I seem to cycle between being completely ok with it and being completely overcome by a feeling of total loss about 10 times a day! Last night, I went out with some friends, and I was having a great time, and then it's like all of a sudden I realized that she wasn't somewhere thinking about me at that moment, and probably never will be, and I just suddenly felt completely empty. No one else around me knew, but it felt so overwhelming inside. The anxiety came over me and I felt like I was going to explode. It happens a lot to me, and I don't know the answer, because it seems like even when I'm doing the things I'm supposed to do to "busy" myself, it's still always there in the pit of my stomach.

 

I also broke the no contact rule today, since I did follow SoleMate's advice and sent her a short email basically apologizing, which is the one thing I hadn't really said yet. I feel so horrible, like I've totally set myself back 2 weeks. But I don't think it really matters now anyway, because she's completely gone. She has not tried to contact me at all since the day she broke up with me, and when we were out last week with mutual friends, she always stood or sat in such a way that there would be no way that we could make eye contact, even if I was trying.

[mr_roggger]

I too go between feeling fine about the situation to feeling bad about it. At the start of the break-up, I was totally upset about it, but a while later I had moments of feeling better about things. A few weeks/months on, I had even periods of times of being ok with it and even periods of time with being upset about it, and now I have more time "ok" about it compared to the time I spend whishing things were back like they were.

However, when I have met up with my ex as friends there heas been no problem with eye contact what so ever. Why do you think she is being like this with you?

[Marty_McFly]

I would like to say she's being like this because it's very painful for her, that she feels she made the wrong decision, and that she's just too prideful to admit that she wants to be with me. (She's like Sarah12, she makes up her mind and that's it, no turning back. Sometimes she forces herself to do that I think.)

 

However, I'm pretty sure that the real reason is guilt. She's dating someone else, and I know that it was her interest in him that gave her the final reason to break up. Yes, there were other minor issues in our relationship, but if he had not come along I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be posting on this board right now. This is the girl who screamed (not literally) at the TV every time we would watch a movie or TV show where someone cheated on another, and basically stopped liking any of our friends who had moments of infidelity. And I think now she realizes that she's done what she always condemned, maybe not technically, but she did so in her heart and then broke up with me to follow it.

 

I was being very friendly and having a good time with all of our friends, including chatting and smiling at length with the ones she came with. If our friends didn't already know we were broken up, they wouldn't have been able to figure it out from me. I'm totally able to be her friend, and not talk about "us," but I think she was very immature, and I just can't understand why she would treat me this way.

[Marty_McFly]

I would like to think it's just a phase she needs to go through in her life to completely grow up. We got together in her second year of college, and she had never been in a serious relationship before me. Also, for three years we've been in an LTR, and I think she was apprehensive of moving to where I am to be with me forever. We were together almost 6 years, and I would like to think that she needs experience infatuation to see that true love is extremely hard to come by.

 

However, I'm pretty sure that's just wishful thinking on my part. If she really loved me, she wouldn't have found anything else interesting, and would have been excited for the time that we could finally be together all the time. Even though I'm certain this wouldn't have happened if we lived in the same city, I'm not even sure I could really trust her now anyway even if she wanted to come back.

 

This really sucks!

[mandrews1119]

Not so, Marty!

 

I know the pain is overwhelming (it is for us all or we wouldn't be here!), but I think you are in a much better place than you are giving yourself credit for. Yes, it is guilt she feels, and remorse, and as we've seen on other posts, often women are trying to TELL themselves that they don't care or love us anymore. But as Inloko has stated, what is in the heart is in the heart. If she feels you are the one, all that is happening now will be past behavior. If there was meaning in your LTR (and I'm saying there was), she will not be forgetting you just like that, dating or not. I am of mixed opinion about "no contact", but in principle feel it should be used. Be mindful of the fact that this whole process may take some time, even a year or more. Take the time to fix what may be wrong. obviously, right now is just too painful for her to move towards you. It may take dating for her to realize that she is better served BY mking contact for whatever HER reasons may be. And if so, the bond will be strengthened, not weakened. Take heart, if you think there is no hope - there is. If you think she isn't thinking of you, she is (even though she may not be acting like you want her to), and if you think she isn't or hasn't been reading what you have written, you're wrong. You are being read, even if she is having someone read it to her. reverse the roles, wouldn't you like to know you were still loved, even if you didn't respond. In most cases thecuriousity is greater than the point to not respond. I won't just say, if it is meant... , but I will say if there is love, love remains. The amount and how she handles it may vary, and it WILL take time. Be strong and keep alive. What you are feeling is normal. the pain never really goes away, it just becomes less sharp. After awile it becomes manageable, that's all. People feel pain and loss and regret for years, even with "moving on". The ones who are strong enough to realize why (assuming there has been no abuse, etc.) will at least make some contact, or reenter your life. Women often try to turn their backs totally so as not to feel anything. I'm not so sure this really works, ladies out there, chime in!! I think sometimes they continue because they are trying to prove it doesn't hurt, or they don't still at least care, if not love you. And they seem to be better at this than we are. If there is love, at some point hopefully she will contact you or let you know she'd like to hear from you.

[mandrews1119]

Hey Marty, PM me so we can talk in detail. I reread your last post, and it sounded like you're giving in to a bit of anger. Anger can be a useful tool, but it doesn't replace love, she will see that too. It is only human to feel a bit of frustration, ok - a LOT of frustration.! You have always sounded like a romantic optomist to me, keep the faith and remain the person you are, true to yourself. Remeber, it is as hard on her as it is on you although you are coming from compleetly opposite places now. don't give in to anguish and anger - live , be optomistic, and be ready if and when your time comes. If you are upset when she does contact you, you may not think or act clearly. And now you have two more of my cents worth. Hope it helps.

[lost_in_chgo]

I'm not even sure I could really trust her now anyway even if she wanted to come back.

 

 

Marty,

 

She did you a favor in a way. Would you prefer she just saw the other guy on the side? Breaking up with you is the honorable way to start seeing another guy. Just ask those of us who have had someone cheat on us behind our backs.

 

You don't have to like it, but you do have to deal with it.

 

If you think you will have problems being with her after she's been with someone else, then you should date someone else yourself. Then at least the playing field is even is you two ever reconcile.

[mr_roggger]

Originally posted by lost_in_chgo

If you think you will have problems being with her after she's been with someone else, then you should date someone else yourself. Then at least the playing field is even is you two ever reconcile.

 

I know that sounds hard, but I think it is useful. I have been told this by many people over the last few months, and now I feel ready to try dating some other people again. However, I have a lot of work to do in the next 2-3 weeks so I won't be able to go out/maintain anything right now, so I'm going to wait a bit longer.

 

Sounds like a really bad idea, but once your ex sees that you can move on and manage just fine without them, I believe they will be more drawn to you, all the time gaining respect for you.

 

Aside, dating is fun isn't it?...Yes!, so think about it!

[Marty_McFly]

Mandrews, you're pretty good. Yes, I have been giving in to some anger, though not resentment. Anger at what I feel is her betrayal of me and our relationship.

 

Posts on this board have mentioned to me and others similar to me that our relationships must not have really been that great if our ex's left us. I always did and still do believe that our love was complete and real. I know this because of the times when we were together, and because I knew immediately when there was a problem because things were different. We always used to have the most awesome times together. We laughed together all the time, even in doing little things like going to the grocery store, we would find ways to amuse ourselves. We never disagreed on what radio station we were going to listen to in the car, what TV show we were going to watch, what movie we wanted to see, or where we were going to go out on a given night. We knew each other so intimately that we would always finish each other's sentences, or sometimes even say the entire sentence before the other had the chance to say it. All of our friends were mutual, and there were even a few of our friends who married each other after meeting through us (just demonstrating that we were so great together that we even had the same kinds of friends). Like the relationship KitWalker described, we could always go out to a party or bar with our friends and sometimes hardly speak to each other because we were with our friends, but always knew that we were still thinking about each other and that we belonged to each other. She knew that I was someone she could trust completely, that she needed to have absolutely zero concerns that I would be unfaithful or dishonest to her.

 

In our relationship, I was only guilty to two things. One, I allowed the relationship to get boring/stale (something I believe she also shares responsibility for). It's true that I didn't do many romantic things, or do the things that all couples have to do every once in a while to renew the relationship. Two, I made her wait too long for me to be ready to make the ultimate commitment of marriage. This in turn I think caused her to feel like I did not love her enough and was not willing to sacrifice for her.

 

I'm not at all saying that those two things are not important, because I realize that they are vital to the success of a relationship. But I also feel betrayed that instead of recognizing that those problems are not uncommon, and trying to correct them, she instead decided to walk away. Betrayed that she always talked about how I was her soulmate, the love of her life, that she never wanted to love anyone else, that I made her completely happy, that she would never break up with me or give up on me even if hard times came, and then a very short time later she does exactly that. Most importantly, betrayed that I gave her my complete trust in any new friendships that she made, that I was never jealous or suspicious of her, that we would even joke "just don't forget about me when you're out with your friends :)" "how could i forget about you? you're the love of my life and we're going to be together forever!" (things we both always joked to each other since we both had friends in our respective cities), and then she turns around and allows one of those friends to intrigue her enough to kick me out the door. Yes, I gave her my complete trust and she betrayed it, and that's why I say I don't even know if I could trust her again anyway.

 

It is true that I appreciate her breaking up before actually going out with this guy, which is certainly makes her more trustworthy than if she hadn't. But her heart did cheat on me before that time, and it was enough to make her take action, and that's why I feel betrayed right now.

 

Yes, I am trying to move on to dating others. One of the problems is that everyone I know has known me for soooo long as being with her, and it will take a while to meet new dates or for the ones that I already to feel comfortable that I don't come with "emotional baggage." Also, there have been a number of girls that I know from over the years who at one time or another wanted more with me, and with whom I would have wanted more if I wasn't already in a committed, loving relationship. However, I think the opportunities with them have passed because I've already "rejected" them. But you are right, I posted the same thing on another thread, that you may not find another that measures up to your ex, but you can sure have a lot of fun trying!

[sarah12]

I am tired of dating. I am emotionally ready to commit. But I'm afraid I am in no position to settle (about to graduate, don't know where I'll be).

 

What happened to my thread?

 

I'm missing him so much..it is pathetic. I am holding on, but I don't even know if he's there. The rest of you at least had a relationship. I just feel so stupid and I want to give up everyday. But I just can't. I'm just not interested in anyone else right now and I feel like there are too many unknowns to move on. How can you move on knowing that there could have been something? I just don't know how. I know it's an unusual situation, but has anyone been here before???

 

Marty - she is a girl. She has feelings. No girl can move on after a 6 year relationship without closure. Also, don't date others. You aren't ready, and there's no use in putting someone else through pain when things don't work out (which they won't if you are not over your ex).

 

Sorry I cannot offer much advice tonight. I am emotionally exhausted of my own situation. Pathetic, isn't it?

[Marty_McFly]

sorry it got hijacked for a little while. Somebody asked me a question about a response to you, and then, well, you know how these things sometimes get on a roller coaster.

[mandrews1119]

What's up, Marty?

I'm telling you, we MUST be related!! Your situation sounds so similar to mine.! And my s/o and I have been at this for over 10 yrs!! It hurts me that she seems to be able to just "move on" - but I think that is more just her take on the situation, and her telling herself that's what she's doing. It also keeps the friends and family who are in the "let him go" category at bay. I mentally agree with sarah that you don't just let go of a LTR w/o abuse or some deep seated stuff, which doesn't seem to apply here. Not that EVERYTHING isn't serious, just that all couples ahve problems and issues, it is just a matter of how we work them out or not.

 

Marty, the hardest thing to deal with other than being left, is when they say they are dating someone else. My ex says she was, then says she wasn't, then threatened "I'm going to start a relationship". I think along the lines of Sarah and feel most of that is self-talk, and that even so - it takes a lot of time for something like that to take root, and certainly NOT without the type of closure that only you and she could provide. I also think that she was (as women do) trying to make me feel some pain, and create some space - and abide by no contact better than I was at that particular moment. Even so, there is nothing that we can do about it at this point. Sometimes a woman must see that the grass is not greener on the other side. I firmly believe that she will develop a greater appreciation for you and of the love by stepping out. I can only hope my hard headed, stubborn s/o isn't the type to force the issue, thus prolonging our reuniting. Sometimes people do force the issue, trying to prove a point, find out being "out there" or trying to make a relationship when their hearts are not there. Having said that, I'm sure in the back of her mind she is worried about me doing the same thing. It's just from my side of the hurt, I cannot see that. I am in the same boat with you about dating, so I choose not to. I won't be a recluse - but I think being honest about your feelings is the best way to go when I meet new folks. That way it is all out in the open. I think when she is ready (whether after a period of time, or in the middle of the night), they will contact us. I think all that can be done in the meantime is to be prepared. you can't get someone to work on something until they are ready to handle it. Keep the faith, keep us posted. Yesterday was a very bad day for me personally, I was really feeling down about her. I wrote a letteand refused to mail it - it felt better.

[GoldfingerCymru]

Mandrews, Marty,

 

I think we're all related!!

 

My ex-gf also told me about 6 weeks ago that she was 'considering' seeing somebody else (that hurt deep as it was only 4 weeks after the split and she had already been going to rugby matches with him).

 

I had an extremely bad day yesterday myself and have half wrote a letter. I am now in 2 minds wether to finish it/send it or not. I have not contacted her for a month and it is killing me.

 

The letters that I actually sent all explained my problems and love, whereas yesterdays un-sent letter was a short half page one, simply apologising and letting her know that I will never let any problems get me down again etc.

 

I feel for this girl like I have not for any other before her (and I was married for 10 years - long story, unloving shotgun type marriage).

 

New Years sucks the big one.

[mandrews1119]

I'm with you on the letter writing. I think a whole different set of rules apply not just for each individual relationship, but for LT ones for sure. You can be allowed a wee bit more minimal contact, than what appears to be allowed in others. My dilemma is that I know she needs time and space, but I want so desperately to reach out to her, and jumpstart something towards reconciling. In my case, all of the things she had said about my child's mom were right on cue. My son's mother has done the most despicable things that separated us, including lying about our contact and relationship to the point it caused a rift. the fact that we were dealing long distance didn't help, and it was more than she could bear. I will be moving home this spring/summer after several years in another city. Our plan was always to marry, no one expected this bs to happen from my son's mom. She always states to me she is just happy with the fact that she was able to separate us, so that if she couldn't 'have me" at least I wouldn't be happy either. It has been difficult to co-parent, but I have managed to come this far. Now all I want is to get back with my sweetheart. To me, my letters are Homer, Shakespere, and romantic, logical, tomes of love undying, but I have been cutting back on them, not because I am giving up (seem to love her more each day), but because I know she needs her space, and I don't want to be accused of the obsessive stalker deal. In the end, I think we are all of two types, those who have hope and act accordingly, and those who do not and act accordingly. One of her last verbal comments was that she knows we could try again and make it work, but why should she? I think she is afraid I would leave HER (perhaps because of my child). all I can hope is that by spring/summer, we will be able to talk, if so i am sure we will work it out. Like you, and so many others on this site, sometimes you AND THE OTHER person know when it is the "one". It then falls to whether or not you get the chance to work it out, and then, upon getting the chance to do it - you do so. Here's to that hope for you as well as I !!