Wife says she isn't happy anymore...

[hurt_confused]

All,

 

I really need some help here. Where do I begin?! A few days ago my wife and I were getting ready to get out for a bit and run some errands. While she was getting ready, I could tell she was distant and just not herself. She looked at me and in a light voice said she just wasn't happy. I went further to ask, and mind you very sweetly, what she wasn't happy about and she told me, her life...no career...she feels like we are best friends but not in love with each other any more and re-iterated that she wasn't happy.

 

The past....My wife and I relocated to a new city about 4 years ago because of my work had given me the opportunity. My wife had been let go from her employer so there wasn't any real reason to not take the opportunity. At first she was hesitant but quickly warmed up to the idea and so we took out to a new place. During the first year, I struggled because the job was very daunting due to the condition it had been left in by my predecessor and it took a large part of my time. My wife wanted to start school to work towards being a nurse so she did so. My income was supporting it. Over time, she began to work at a hospital and made good friends with a woman there to which has a troubled family life and really had no place to live as an adult other than with her mom. We in turn, offered her to come live with us as we had the room, it was helping a friend and she paid rent. Over time, this living situation has gone from her friend living with us, to her 13 year old sister living with us as well and my wife literally almost raising the 13 year old for her. Also, my job continued to become more complex and time consuming and it honestly began to take over my entire life. I should also mention that my 31 year old wife has become increasingly interested in following the Jonas Brothers and other Disney related acts. It's a little strange to me, but hey to each his own....I support her and always have no matter what the interest.

 

Yesterday, I spent the day out with my wife while waiting for her visiting father to join us. We talked about everything and it basically boils down to she feels that for the past 2 years I've neglected her and not paid attention to her and allowed my job to affect every aspect of my being. I have since been laid off and she has remarked that since I was laid off, i've actually gone back to the person she loved and married but that she doesn't know if she can get her feelings for me back. I'm honestly devastated as I've devoted my life to this woman. I took my vows seriously and have done everything in my power to make her the happiest person in the world. I've provided her the opportunity to pursue an education as being the primary breadwinner and I just don't know what to make of this. We are currently living together but she says she just doesn't know what she wants to do right now, she is on the fence and torn. What shoudl I do????

[Gunny376]

Let me translate for you, may I?

 

"I'm not happy because you worked all of the time and poured so much of yourself into your work that I became emotionally detached and begin having emotions for someone else, because you weren't there for me emotinally? But now that you've gotten laid off and have turned back into the man that I intially feel in love with and married ~ well? Now I"m torn between two lovers? :eek:

 

Its been my general experience? That when a woman tells you "I'm not happy? You need to start looking around? Generally around the back door at the fellow the dog doesn't bother barking at anymore?

[hurt_confused]

I couldn't agree more, and I did do just that. She hasn't been involved in anything like that at all and I'm sure of it. What I feel she doesn't understand is the reason I put so much of myself in to that job is because I knew without it, she couldn't continue in school and her friend and friend's sister would be on the street....or at the least going hungry.

[Gunny376]

The more detail the more we can better, (without roo much detail of course) help.

 

What's your current situation since having been laid off, and what all the more what are your plans.

 

This kind of thing can actually be a blessing in disguise if you go about it right.

 

I won't post again until after 11PM Central. Gotta go!

[sotagoon]

Hurt.....I have to say that I feel for you. Aside from the roomates (woman & sister), I was in the EXACT same position as you, but for almost 8 years.

 

During that 8 years, she left me two times and now a third, because she needed space. (She ran off to another guy each time..different one each time too).

 

I was the only one who pulled the weight.....payed for nursing school, all the bills, and basically became a workhorse. I did this because I love her and I wanted to see her reach her goal of becoming a nurse.

 

Then back in April, she was diagnosed with cancer and I was there through 9 rounds of Chemo, 1.5 months of surgery and recovery (living at the hospital mind you) and then 6 weeks of radiation treatment. On the last day of treatment, she came home and told me that she was leaving. Within 6 hours she was gone. No warning, no discussion and better yet, right into the lap of another guy. She even took him on the trip we planned to Mexico for last New Years.

 

I poured my life into her, kept her comfortable while she went to school and never left her side for one minute in all of the 8 years.

 

I will tell you this, something is missing in the area of appreciation. Not on your part, but on hers.

 

Don't get me wrong, there probably is/was something missing in the area of intimacy, but I guess you made the same choice I did to support her dreams.....WHY....because you care, love and appreciate her. OH...how bout respect????

 

Let me guess, she didn't even really care to know how you were doing each day...truly care I mean!!!! Good day...uh...Bad day...uh

 

Somehow resentment creeeped into the relationship, probably on both sides...although I don't agree that she should resent you, but I'll bet Dollars to Donuts that she did/does. I know...it's messed up!

 

If you have the chance to REALLY sit down and discuss this with her, do whatever you can to get it all out on the table, albeit in a caring and compassionate way....but do it. If she doesn't want to hear it...then you know her true colors.

 

For me, she just vanished...3 times!!!!!...never even givng it the chance to talk calmly and maturly to WORK on the relationship.

 

You're not perfect and neither is she. This stuff takes WORK..but for some reason....these unappreciative women/men that are cared for and treated like gold resent the people that care about them most and would give the world for them......I think that's really messed up.

 

 

My advice...talk if you can....If NOT...then you know what you're dealing with.

 

Any relationship isn't worth DICK SQUAT, unless when times are hard, both parties do their best to try!

[hurt_confused]

Yes, I totally know where you are coming from. I honestly wish she had cheated because it would be a simpler choice for me. I suppose that is the inheirant flaw amongst men....we are fixers and want to fix/resolve everything right now. I asked her how long she had felt this way and she said about 6 months but thought it was her and that it would pass. She also thought it might be her medication at the time (took zoloft for anxiety) and then switched to Lexapro. But she said she still feels this way. I asked why she didn't mention it when she first started feeling this way and she said, "I didn't want you to get mad or upset with me" and that when she had a problem with a particular incident I may have been going through at work she didn't bring it up because she, "thought I would attack her (verbally that is NOT physically)" which isn't fair to me at all. She should have had the guts to stand up and say she was pissed that my job was taking up all my time, energy etc. and I would have listened and done something about it.

 

What is even more confusing is that she says I'm back to being the man she married and fell in love with initially but that I've only been this way for about two weeks nows....since I lost my job. I personally think it's a cowardly way out for her, but who knows. I'm a guy and I know that guys are the first ones to screw things up. I just don't feel that I was given a chance to right things....even though she says she is torn on whether or not she wants to work things out or try going on her own.

 

I asked her if she had given it any thoughts as to what she would actually do and she said she hadn't really thought about it at all. Then she said she supposed she would try to get a small studio apt. and start working a lot more so that she could live and still go to school. I'm just freakin confused....and really really hurt.

[hurt_confused]

Yep, already did all of that. I'm just wondering how long I should just sit by and wait. I'm an active kind of person so I'm keeping myself busy, plus I'm trying like hell to find another job. More than likely I'll be taking a job that is out of state and having to relocate so....

[sotagoon]

Let me translate for you, may I?

 

"I'm not happy because you worked all of the time and poured so much of yourself into your work that I became emotionally detached and begin having emotions for someone else, because you weren't there for me emotinally?

 

I agree here....but what I don't understand is that she/they wouldn't have what they HAVE (comfortable home, less/no financial responsibility, any and all the amenities available, and someone that is giving selflessly), yet for some reason it isn't enough.

 

I get it!!!!....Not there emotionally, but sometimes...hell...most of the time, all I ever felt like I wanted was some understanding. When we frist met and all I took care of was ME, the relationship thrived. When it came to making the PLAN work, I guess I/WE have to be SUPERMAN.

 

WTF????

 

Can do no right, even if it's for her benefit????

[hurt_confused]

Well, at least I was honest with her and told her I couldn't sit and wait forever, that I deserved better than that. I have to stand up for myself somewhat. Her response was I completely understand if you can't wait forever. She just asked that I not just pack my stuff up and disappear while she's at school or something.

 

I'm thinkning to myself, of course you don't! You couldn't eat!!!!

[Gunny376]

I've know many a man whose come home from work just to find nothing but his clothes and personal effects on the floor.

 

You won't find the following in any book ~ bur IMHO she's got FBS ~ Flakey Broad Syndrone.

 

These kinds of women a man can never make happy, satisfy, pacify, and if you did? You don't know how in the Hell you did and don't know how to repeat the process if you did?

 

They're never satisfied with what you do, give, sacarfice for them? You give them silver ~ they want gold, you give them gold ~ they want platiumn.

 

You buy them a house the want a bigger house in a nicer more expensive neighborhood.

 

Life is just too freaking short to waste some of the best years of your life ~ the best years of your youth on someone that tells you everyday "Well I just don't know what I want?"

 

I'm 52 and live in a University town. I got married when I was 22 and divorced 12 years later. Everyday when I see these young twenty something college co-ed out and about town ~ I say to myself "WTF were you thinking?"

[LucreziaBorgia]

I should also mention that my 31 year old wife has become increasingly interested in following the Jonas Brothers and other Disney related acts.

 

This is the oddest red flag I have heard. Something just isn't right about this (and not just the 'bad taste' part). Is she perhaps trying to recapture her youth vicariously through this 13 year old that she is basically raising? Is she (G_d forbid) messing around with someone inappropriately younger? Whatever the case, that is strange.

 

What shoudl I do????

 

Knock her off the fence. It will be tricky though. I'd talk to a lawyer about what would happen if you divorced. She may well be trying to nudge you toward divorce so that she will be free to do what she likes, while you spend your time and money supporting her through alimony.

[hurt_confused]

well, neither of us want kids. She's been taking the kid to school, picking her up from school, making her dinner/lunch all because her sister works nights and is too lazy to step up and do the job. I know working nights is grueling, but she (our roommate) took on the job for want of the girl to have a better life. Instead, it's now become the expectation that we take care of the girl while her sister sleeps.

 

Now, my wife just turned 31 also and she told me she's having a really hard time turning 31. She feels old and not attractive any more....even though I tell her and show her how attractive she is all the time. She also feels dependent that she has no career and that she couldn't support herself if she ever had to. It's like a mid-life crisis but early!

 

I've been trying to knock her off that fence I really have. When I lost my job, it's like I got myself back and all of a sudden I felt normal again and went back to my normal self, or as she puts it, the person she married and loved. I'm not so sure with her it's any one thing that has her on the "fence and torn", but maybe a lot of different things. She feels lost. I'm just not sure how long I can sit around and wait for her to find whatever it is she's looking for. I'm a lot of things, but a fool is not one of them. I've told myself that 2 weeks is the line. IMO it shouldn't take 5 minutes to realize that we were meant to be together and it crushes me to know that she's struggling with it daily.

[Butterflair]

It's sounds to me like she's fighting the aging for one. An interest in Jonas Bros and Disney plus telling you that she's having a hard time. I also think there is a man there somewhere. Maybe not a sexual thing but an emotional thing. Maybe a younger guy. (as Lucrezia said above)

 

Either way, she's being very selfish. I think you need to start getting your defenses ready and ducks in a row. It might take her spending some time alone to realize what she lost.

[hurt_confused]

I'll never say that there could never be another man in there somewhere, but from everything I've seen and looked at there isn't. However, you are right. If she's bringing this to me she is being selfish and she openly admits that she knows she's being selfish. I'm going to start getting everything lined up for the worst. At the very least it will pre-occupy my time a little but I hate having to do it. We live together amidst all this and still sleep in the same bed. She still says "I love you" when going to sleep or leaving for work. I'll tell you though, she's had a lot of bad influences in her life. Parents split when she was a teenager (i know happes a lot), the two ladies she works with are just general man haters themselves....one has openly cheated on her husband but justified it by telling him she was going to do it because he wasn't fulfilling her and the other lady lets men walk all over her. I will also say that my wife is very influenced by outside sources....not to mention she just switched from Zoloft for anxiety to Lexapro for anxiety about 3 weeks ago. She said she was having these "feelings" about me and thought it might have been her medication. I'm to the point, after talking this out on here that I don't know if I want to be around someone as moody and anxious all the time. It's really given me pause....am I being a bad person for feeling this way? Am I feeling this way too soon since we just had this discussion a few days ago?