update on my sexless marriage

[SarahRose]

Had 2nd session of marriage counseling and we went over the homework. The therapist thinks he may have some deep seated block about sex being dirty from his childhood.

 

The therapist gave us two assignments to do.

 

We pick 4 of our top rated things we like from the 5 languages of love inventory and the other person has to do them.

 

The 2nd was to agree to have sex 2 times a week for the next 4 weeks.

 

These assignments seem fairly simple to do. The sex has an end point so it isn't like the lower drive person would think great I have to this forever.

 

The problem is this, he won't do either one until my family leave.

 

My kids are here visiting for 3 weeks and all he has done is hide in the bedroom and he told me no sex until they leave.

 

I said so you decided this for me without my consent or asking me?

 

I said so after they are gone you'll do something? To me it just looks like another excuse not to do something as we've only had sex 5 times this year anyway when nobody is at the house.

 

I did do as the counselor said and asked him what I was supposed to do about my sexual needs and he said I just have to wait. I said I do have sexual needs and you are supposed to be helping me meet them and how can you help me meet them and he wouldn't answer.

 

I am really really beginning to wonder if he is passive aggressive about withholding sex from me as a means of anger and control.

 

He said he was fine with my adult kids visiting but maybe this is passive aggressive behavior.

 

I did get angry and tell him that I am tired of begging for it and it is really near the point where I don't want it at all from him ever.

 

He moved his computer into the bedroom so I know he isn't looking at porn either at least for awhile.

 

Today I am going to buy some power tools and dirty magazines of men and leave it all by the bed.

[mem11363]

SR,

I really wish you luck. The power tool thing is hilarious. The kids sex thing is a total excuse. I don't know ANY guy who wants to connect and doesn't because of other people in the house...

 

 

Had 2nd session of marriage counseling and we went over the homework. The therapist thinks he may have some deep seated block about sex being dirty from his childhood.

 

The therapist gave us two assignments to do.

 

We pick 4 of our top rated things we like from the 5 languages of love inventory and the other person has to do them.

 

The 2nd was to agree to have sex 2 times a week for the next 4 weeks.

 

These assignments seem fairly simple to do. The sex has an end point so it isn't like the lower drive person would think great I have to this forever.

 

The problem is this, he won't do either one until my family leave.

 

My kids are here visiting for 3 weeks and all he has done is hide in the bedroom and he told me no sex until they leave.

 

I said so you decided this for me without my consent or asking me?

 

I said so after they are gone you'll do something? To me it just looks like another excuse not to do something as we've only had sex 5 times this year anyway when nobody is at the house.

 

I did do as the counselor said and asked him what I was supposed to do about my sexual needs and he said I just have to wait. I said I do have sexual needs and you are supposed to be helping me meet them and how can you help me meet them and he wouldn't answer.

 

I am really really beginning to wonder if he is passive aggressive about withholding sex from me as a means of anger and control.

 

He said he was fine with my adult kids visiting but maybe this is passive aggressive behavior.

 

I did get angry and tell him that I am tired of begging for it and it is really near the point where I don't want it at all from him ever.

 

He moved his computer into the bedroom so I know he isn't looking at porn either at least for awhile.

 

Today I am going to buy some power tools and dirty magazines of men and leave it all by the bed.

[whichwayisup]

He..is..scared. Scared of facing his past hurts, remembering stuff and having triggers.

This isn't about you, really. It seems your H does have issues, serious issues that need to be dealt with, so maybe the therapist is pushing 'sex' too much, maybe he needs to talk more, and understand his feelings before sex happens. Just taking a different angle to look at this..

 

I'm sure you're frustrated, but if it were you who had the issues, wouldn't you expect him to be understanding and patient?

 

Now, I do believe he is using the kids as an excuse, but again, it's fear based, not wanting to dig down deep and feel things, and open up.

 

Hopefully in time, things will get better.

 

Sounds like you two DO need a date out of the house. Just go and fun, laugh and keep the evening lighthearted.

[SarahRose]

I just want to make it clear that there are no small children around. These are grown up in their 20s 'kids'

 

 

They are only here for 3 weeks.

 

As husband and wife we live just alone with each other and nobody else.

[Barky]

I was in a relationship with a woman for several years. Thought she was great but totally lost sexual interest in her as she got older and gained weight. I made up all sorts of excuses not to have sex with her. Are you sure it's about him and not about you?

[giotto]

you are in the same situation as me, SR... I wish you luck! Hopefully, the therapy will unlock some of these issues. We failed at MC, but wife is suppose to look into IC next week...

[Simon Attwood]

Had 2nd session of marriage counseling and we went over the homework. The therapist thinks he may have some deep seated block about sex being dirty from his childhood.

 

The therapist gave us two assignments to do.

 

We pick 4 of our top rated things we like from the 5 languages of love inventory and the other person has to do them.

 

The 2nd was to agree to have sex 2 times a week for the next 4 weeks.

 

These assignments seem fairly simple to do. The sex has an end point so it isn't like the lower drive person would think great I have to this forever.

 

The problem is this, he won't do either one until my family leave.

 

My kids are here visiting for 3 weeks and all he has done is hide in the bedroom and he told me no sex until they leave.

 

I said so you decided this for me without my consent or asking me?

 

I said so after they are gone you'll do something? To me it just looks like another excuse not to do something as we've only had sex 5 times this year anyway when nobody is at the house.

 

I did do as the counselor said and asked him what I was supposed to do about my sexual needs and he said I just have to wait. I said I do have sexual needs and you are supposed to be helping me meet them and how can you help me meet them and he wouldn't answer.

 

I am really really beginning to wonder if he is passive aggressive about withholding sex from me as a means of anger and control.

 

He said he was fine with my adult kids visiting but maybe this is passive aggressive behavior.

 

I did get angry and tell him that I am tired of begging for it and it is really near the point where I don't want it at all from him ever.

 

He moved his computer into the bedroom so I know he isn't looking at porn either at least for awhile.

 

Today I am going to buy some power tools and dirty magazines of men and leave it all by the bed.

 

 

I felt uncomfortable having sex with my wife in her family's home when we visited, even though we were married. I considered it disrespectful. Now this may just be my hang up, or it may have been nurture i.e. the way I was raised and the environment I was raised in. Sex was never a taboo subject as I was growing up, but it also wasn't advertised, so I don't believe it's a hang up. It may have been down to the fact I was on a different continent and surrounded by an alien culture, who knows? I have deliberated on it plenty and have yet to come up with a definitive answer.

 

I would respect his feelings in this matter if I was in your shoes, that you don't, and that from the highlighted comment, you seem to be oblivious to his role in choices while at the same time accusing him of being oblivious to yours, and only focusing on yours, strikes me more as a control issue on your part and may be an indicator of narcissistic traits.

 

Say he doesn't feel comfortable with it and yet, due to pressure from you, he acquiesces, would that be some form of coercion, i.e. using emotional manipulations to force sex; technically rape?

Edited February 20, 2010 by Simon Attwood

[Jeff1962]

You've got husbands who's wives withold sex and you've got wives who's husbands withold sex. Maybe the witholders should get together with the other witholders and the wanters get together. Then everyone is happy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Joke, but it would make sense.

[EnigmasMuse]

Maybe the real test on whether or not he will do this will come after the family has left. What would his excuse be then?

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

...as we've only had sex 5 times this year anyway when nobody is at the house.

 

If I am correct there have only been 7 weeks in the entire year... that's just shy of once a week; I don't know anyone who would define that as a sexless marriage!

 

I am really really beginning to wonder if he is passive aggressive about withholding sex from me as a means of anger and control.

 

This is entirely possible, as it happens all the time in marriages.

 

I did get angry and tell him that I am tired of begging for it and it is really near the point where I don't want it at all from him ever.

 

Today I am going to buy some power tools and dirty magazines of men and leave it all by the bed.

 

As I am sure you are aware, the above 2 things will accomplish the opposite of what you are looking to do.

 

Good Luck!

Edited February 20, 2010 by She's_NotInLove_w/Me

[tissue_bear]

It could be he genuinely feels uncomfortable having sex with you when your children are in the house, even if they are grown. Leaving around the magazines etc. sounds like trying to force him into something he's not comfortable with. I agree its frustrating after having the meeting with the therapist, but why not give him the benefit of the doubt? Fine, you'll wait the three weeks you don't want to pressure him. When they are over you'd like to get back on track with what you agreed with the therapist. See what happens then. He may surprise you. Just lay off the pressure, it won't be good coming from a place of you coercing him. He needs to want it too.

 

If over time this becomes a pattern, with him finding "excuses" not to fulfill the therapist's suggestions, you have real cause for concern and anger, and you two should talk it out. Wait to see if that is the case, though. It could very well not be. Just give him a chance and see what happens in three weeks. Then move on from there.

[JackJack]

I'm going to agree with that it could really be that he doesn't want to do anything with the family there. I mean, if I felt that way I wouldn't want anyone making me feel bad for my choice because its how I felt, if anything I would probably feel even more anger/resentment. Also if its something he truly doesn't want to do with family there then even if he did do it just because you wanted him to, I don't think his heart and mind would truly be in it. I say wait until after the family is gone. Then, if he is still coming up with excuses, then that needs to be addressed.

[SarahRose]

Ok I will wait until they are gone and wait for him to make a move.

 

Knowing his avoidance of sex since we got married 8 months ago, it seems like a good excuse not to do it.

 

Especially since he had no problem with us doing it when my grown son came to visit us a couple years ago.

 

He was talking about how he was posting on some message board we both used to post on and I guess he wanted me to read what he posted.

 

He posted how he hated every holiday and the day after Valentine's day he posted how much he hated it and it was total crap.

 

 

I have no idea why he hates it since I got him a card and he gets me nothing.

 

 

Then some poster asked if sex made people feel more confident and he posts, no it doesn't. why would it.

 

I am not sure why but reading those hateful things he was posting just made me feel sick to my stomach and very hurt.

 

I didn't say anything nor did I post anything. I just clicked off and went to some other website.

 

And to Barky, if you were so unhappy with your wifes appearance why didn't you just leave? Why stay around and torture her and make her feel like crap because of your issues?

 

I say if my husband doesn't think I'm attractive anymore and he is playing cruel games like this, he can get out and not let the door hit him in the house on the way out. I am too old to put up with this bs.

[jennie-jennie]

You've got husbands who's wives withold sex and you've got wives who's husbands withold sex. Maybe the witholders should get together with the other witholders and the wanters get together. Then everyone is happy.

 

Joke, but it would make sense.

 

That is exactly what happens in extramarital relationships. People with strong sex drives finally get their fill after spending years with "withholders". I know what I am talking about, and so does my MM. :bunny:

[SarahRose]

BTW the dirty magazine and tools would be for me, not him. Leaving them out in plain view would just let him know that I am taking care of myself regardless of what he is doing or should I say not doing.

 

To jennie, believe me, I won't put up with this for years that is for sure.

[jennie-jennie]

BTW the dirty magazine and tools would be for me, not him. Leaving them out in plain view would just let him know that I am taking care of myself regardless of what he is doing or should I say not doing.

 

To jennie, believe me, I won't put up with this for years that is for sure.

 

I am glad to hear that, Sarah. Take care!

[FryFish]

Have you gained an inordinate amount of weight since you met him SR?

[SarahRose]

Have you gained an inordinate amount of weight since you met him SR?

 

Nice try but no cigar.

[FryFish]

I was just wondering. If you havent then your husband is very weird.

[giotto]

I was just wondering. If you havent then your husband is very weird.

 

maybe SR's husband should get together with my wife...

[Barky]

It's really no great mystery. The majority of guys get sick of having sex with the same female body night after night. It's so common that I think it's hard-wired into most men. If you produce 100 million sperm a day your brain is going to say, "Why are you spending them all on the same woman? Let's spread those puppies around." And after enough sex with a woman, the brain says, "Ok, we're done with her. You've pumped a quadrillion sperm into her, that's enough."

 

Simple. I've dated a ton of women and have gradually gotten bored with the sex with all of them. It's so common there's even an old saying about it: "For every beautiful woman, there's a man who's sick of having sex with her."

 

Leaving "dirty magazines" or whatever around won't make any sort of difference, it'll just make you look pathetic. He's over sex with you, period. He sees you in non-sexual, "companion" terms.

 

Why is this stuff so difficult for people to understand?

[soserious1]

It's really no great mystery. The majority of guys get sick of having sex with the same female body night after night. It's so common that I think it's hard-wired into most men. If you produce 100 million sperm a day your brain is going to say, "Why are you spending them all on the same woman? Let's spread those puppies around." And after enough sex with a woman, the brain says, "Ok, we're done with her. You've pumped a quadrillion sperm into her, that's enough."

 

Simple. I've dated a ton of women and have gradually gotten bored with the sex with all of them. It's so common there's even an old saying about it: "For every beautiful woman, there's a man who's sick of having sex with her."

 

Leaving "dirty magazines" or whatever around won't make any sort of difference, it'll just make you look pathetic. He's over sex with you, period. He sees you in non-sexual, "companion" terms.

 

Why is this stuff so difficult for people to understand?

 

I don't think it's dificult for anybody to understand, what is hard to wrap our minds around is this, if you're a person who becomes quickly bored sexually why on earth would you marry with the expectation that your partner will remain faithful?

 

This gal didn't sign up for a life of celibacy, if she's smart she'll exit this farce of a marriage quickly while she's still young enough to explore other options.

[Barky]

if you're a person who becomes quickly bored sexually why on earth would you marry with the expectation that your partner will remain faithful?

 

First off, define "quickly." If the marriage lasts 50 years and you're bored of sex after 40, I wouldn't consider that "quick" but it would be "quick enough" since the last 10 years would be sexless.

 

And I think that most men (and almost all women) don't understand that people get sick of having sex with the same person forever. Not just men, women too. But I think it happens quicker and more easily with men.

 

Let's face it, the median IQ in western countries is 100, meaning that fully half the population has a 99 or lower IQ. This is extremely low. How many people have read the studies that show that people tend to cool off sexually toward one another after less than 4 years? Maybe 1% of the population. (summary of study here: http://www.match.com/magazine/article2.aspx?articleid=9054)

 

Point is, most dudes don't even KNOW they'll cool off sexually toward their wife, let alone plan their lives around that fact.

[SarahRose]

I don't think it's dificult for anybody to understand, what is hard to wrap our minds around is this, if you're a person who becomes quickly bored sexually why on earth would you marry with the expectation that your partner will remain faithful?

 

This gal didn't sign up for a life of celibacy, if she's smart she'll exit this farce of a marriage quickly while she's still young enough to explore other options.

 

Exactly, if he is bored that is his problem and there is the door.

 

Why should I have to put up with forced celibacy because he is bored.

 

I can easily find someone who isn't bored.

[Simon Attwood]

Exactly, if he is bored that is his problem and there is the door.

 

Why should I have to put up with forced celibacy because he is bored.

 

I can easily find someone who isn't bored.

 

I suggest you do it, and stop wasting people's time on here...