update on my sexless marriage

[silverfish]

 

Personally I think the smart play is to use a minimal amount of fear to obtain an honest picture of what is going on. And then sometimes that information allows you to change what is broken. Using fear to directly demand sex might mechanically work - but it leaves both people feeling bad. The recipient generally doesn't feel loved/attractive (which is usually the primary goal) and the giver is resentful.

 

I agree with this, and I don't think it's that far off what I was trying to say. You need to be assertive but non confrontational. State that things cannot continue, and that you need to discuss it urgently...name a place / time to everyone's convenience, and then go and discuss it.

 

It's instilling the fear that if it doesn't get discussed, you are leaving, and if it isn't resolved within a time that you agree on, you are leaving. If the conversation turns into an argument, then you can try doing it in MC. if they refuse to go to MC, you leave, or put up with it.

[SarahRose]

It has been a long time since I have updated the situation so I will.

 

Things have been going extremely well in our marriage.

 

I am not sure why or how but we are both very very happy. I really do feel loved and cared for and he feels the same.

 

The sex frequency is much better than it was.

 

I really think things are going to work out and this is the marriage I have always dreamed of having.

[Simon Attwood]

It has been a long time since I have updated the situation so I will.

 

Things have been going extremely well in our marriage.

 

I am not sure why or how but we are both very very happy. I really do feel loved and cared for and he feels the same.

 

The sex frequency is much better than it was.

 

I really think things are going to work out and this is the marriage I have always dreamed of having.

 

And what do you think has brought about this change?

[Toodamnpragmatic]

It has been a long time since I have updated the situation so I will.

 

Things have been going extremely well in our marriage.

 

I am not sure why or how but we are both very very happy. I really do feel loved and cared for and he feels the same.

 

The sex frequency is much better than it was.

 

I really think things are going to work out and this is the marriage I have always dreamed of having.

 

And it is right up my alley:p.... I have to ask basically reading the first and last post and checking if there had been an update, but what has happened and how much sex now?

 

The OP said 5X's in a year, the MC asked for 2X/wk for a month and there was no update I found.......

 

Do enlighten us.....

[giotto]

well, we are happy... but what's changed?

[SarahRose]

It is around 3x a week now.

 

What has changed? I truly don't know.

 

He just seems much more committed and into the marriage.

[giotto]

It is around 3x a week now.

 

What has changed? I truly don't know.

 

He just seems much more committed and into the marriage.

 

Sounds like he finally got the message!

[Toodamnpragmatic]

It is around 3x a week now.

 

What has changed? I truly don't know.

 

He just seems much more committed and into the marriage.

 

How does that happen? Now I have cobbled together that there are no children between the two of you and some from a previous marriage, but again a zero to 60 (using the old driving analogy) is truly surprising.....

 

Now waiting to hear a similar story from a male.....

[Simon Attwood]

It is around 3x a week now.

 

What has changed? I truly don't know.

 

He just seems much more committed and into the marriage.

 

 

Do you think you might have done anything to bring about this change?

 

A change in your behaviour towards him?

 

A change in your perspective, that affected the signals you were giving him?

 

Or was this all him and did he just change all by himself?

[Blueocean]

I am interested to know how your therapy goes. My wife and I went to therapy for several months and it helped rebuild our relationship but she still has no sex drive. I am thinking of asking her to return to therapy and work on our sex life. For me it's a complete lack of intimacy - she turns away from my kisses, never time for a long hug. Any sex is always a quickie - she never even wants to try for an orgasm. I've gone the route of going solo with a magazine, even with her awake next to me. At first, this would draw her in but quickly it just gave her another reason to turn me down for sex. The therapist brings a balance to conversation that in my case was missing (my wife was unreasonable). It sounds like for you and I it about getting our partners to agree to work on it. I'm 45 and with two great kids I want to see everyday but I want more than just a roommate. Hope the therapy works - I think it's time for me to push for it as well.

[SarahRose]

Blue, has your wife said why she doesn't enjoy sex?

 

I am thinking some people just don't enjoy it that much. She could try some testosterone cream from the doctor, which is supposed to increase the libido.

 

If the hormone levels aren't there the desire won't be there. Look at formerly horny Tom cats who get the snip snip and they lose the desire to seek out females etc.

 

As for my situation, I was so just frustrated and resentful I gave up even trying. I was like whatever in my attitude. No I wasn't mean or nasty to him or anything like that.

 

The turning point was when I went on an overseas trip and he really seemed to miss me a lot.

 

Then we went away to visit a relative and had a blast together. We rented a room in this horrid tacky cheap motel and the beds had wheels and squeaked really loudly! It was so much fun. Then we stayed in a romantic b&b the other nights and then a posh hotel in the city during our trip. The most fun was the night in the tacky motel though.

 

So I don't know what happened. He pinches my bottom now and comes up behind me and grabs me, things he didn't really do before.

 

Anyway I am so happy things are working out.

[giotto]

I am interested to know how your therapy goes. My wife and I went to therapy for several months and it helped rebuild our relationship but she still has no sex drive. I am thinking of asking her to return to therapy and work on our sex life. For me it's a complete lack of intimacy - she turns away from my kisses, never time for a long hug. Any sex is always a quickie - she never even wants to try for an orgasm. I've gone the route of going solo with a magazine, even with her awake next to me. At first, this would draw her in but quickly it just gave her another reason to turn me down for sex. The therapist brings a balance to conversation that in my case was missing (my wife was unreasonable). It sounds like for you and I it about getting our partners to agree to work on it. I'm 45 and with two great kids I want to see everyday but I want more than just a roommate. Hope the therapy works - I think it's time for me to push for it as well.

 

We managed to fix our emotional relationship to a certain extent through therapy and discussions (and divorce threats!). Your situation seems more serious though, because my wife always enjoyed sex. Having said that, she has no sex drive as well and the frequency (twice a month) will never be ok with me. She also has serious mental issues from her upbringing. Maybe your wife has issues as well? She said she would go to therapy for that, but she never will. She's learnt how to cope with them and I know she'd rather leave them dormant... if she doesn't fix herself, I can't trust her, because of the pain this has inflicted on me over the years. So, I will never be 100% involved in the relationship again. Too scared to get hurt again...

 

I would pursue the therapy route and see where it takes the two of you... good luck!

[SadandConfusedWA]

I guess his affair ended. Enjoy until the next one!

[Darth Vader]

Blue, has your wife said why she doesn't enjoy sex?

 

I am thinking some people just don't enjoy it that much. She could try some testosterone cream from the doctor, which is supposed to increase the libido.

 

If the hormone levels aren't there the desire won't be there. Look at formerly horny Tom cats who get the snip snip and they lose the desire to seek out females etc.

 

As for my situation, I was so just frustrated and resentful I gave up even trying. I was like whatever in my attitude. No I wasn't mean or nasty to him or anything like that.

 

The turning point was when I went on an overseas trip and he really seemed to miss me a lot.

 

Then we went away to visit a relative and had a blast together. We rented a room in this horrid tacky cheap motel and the beds had wheels and squeaked really loudly! It was so much fun. Then we stayed in a romantic b&b the other nights and then a posh hotel in the city during our trip. The most fun was the night in the tacky motel though.

 

So I don't know what happened. He pinches my bottom now and comes up behind me and grabs me, things he didn't really do before.

 

Anyway I am so happy things are working out.

 

It is around 3x a week now.

 

What has changed? I truly don't know.

 

He just seems much more committed and into the marriage.

 

 

Well with a picture like that, I can see why!:bunny:

 

I say assuming that's a picture of you as your avatar, if it is girl, DAMN! Why in HELL would he cheat on that? (shakes head) Shoot! Men would take that good looking girl and treat her good!

[Darth Vader]

Exactly! They are causing our anger and resentment by constant rejection. So we arent even allowed to havenormal feelings about this for fear of offending the person who is rejecting us

 

I have backed off and I get the crumbs when he is in the mood. He is content with his porn daily and being with me about 1-2 times a month

 

 

If that's you in your avatar pic, (if it were me married to you) relatives or not, stuff going on or not, forget porn baby, you'd be saddling up getting filet mignon every Night and perhaps most of every waking moment throughout the day! You would enjoy the ride baby! Damn!

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I don't get these happy endings..... He wanted practically none and now 3X's/wk and little changed outside a little trip???? And I too wonder about people's avatars and if they are random or not..... Sort of like personals....

[Darth Vader]

I don't get these happy endings..... He wanted practically none and now 3X's/wk and little changed outside a little trip???? And I too wonder about people's avatars and if they are random or not..... Sort of like personals....

 

 

I know what you mean, about the avatars, DAMN! That should be illegal!:lmao:

[SarahRose]

I don't get these happy endings..... He wanted practically none and now 3X's/wk and little changed outside a little trip???? And I too wonder about people's avatars and if they are random or not..... Sort of like personals....

 

I don't know what the change was but I'm glad. You men are funny creatures.

 

Maybe he decided he'd rather be married and have real sex than be alone with his hand? I think sometimes people get caught up in bad habits and don't realize how it is ruining their lives.

 

Maybe when I was gone, and he had all the time and privacy to wank day and night, it wasn't so much fun anymore without the warm 3d person me there.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I don't know what the change was but I'm glad. You men are funny creatures.

 

Maybe he decided he'd rather be married and have real sex than be alone with his hand? I think sometimes people get caught up in bad habits and don't realize how it is ruining their lives.

 

Maybe when I was gone, and he had all the time and privacy to wank day and night, it wasn't so much fun anymore without the warm 3d person me there.

 

Now that is telling!!!! So he was masturbating as opposed to having sex with you.... That answers the question.... The men here complaining about sexless (or not enough sex) all have spouses who do not masturbate or think about sex.

[Darth Vader]

Now that is telling!!!! So he was masturbating as opposed to having sex with you.... That answers the question.... The men here complaining about sexless (or not enough sex) all have spouses who do not masturbate or think about sex.

 

 

Why do that with his hand, when he has an extremely HOT wife sitting right there in a bikini looking the way she does. Shoot! I'd never get tired of that sitting next to-, or rather straddling me. Heck! I'm not ashamed to admit it, but, come to find out, her hubby's not cheating on her, Somebody said they thought he was, either that, or I misread.

 

Anyway, I guess her husband finally woke up from his coma and realized what he has! Good thing he did when he did!

[SarahRose]

Yeah he is still going strong twice last night.:bunny:

[xxoo]

I don't know what the change was but I'm glad. You men are funny creatures.

 

Maybe he decided he'd rather be married and have real sex than be alone with his hand? I think sometimes people get caught up in bad habits and don't realize how it is ruining their lives.

 

Maybe when I was gone, and he had all the time and privacy to wank day and night, it wasn't so much fun anymore without the warm 3d person me there.

 

What does he say about the changes?

 

Communication is at least half of the issue!

[Darth Vader]

Yeah he is still going strong twice last night.:bunny:

 

 

Almost sounds like an Alieve commercial!:lmao:

[Maladjusted]

Most women would love to be in a sexless marriage such as yours.

 

Man I laughed out loud when I read that.

[Whateverelse]

Sarah, we're lucky our spouses did not meet before you converted him into a normal adult male; they would have been very happy together not having sex. now you have gone a ruined him. shame on you.