Not inviting guests to wedding--no-gift etiquette?

[Barky]

A friend of mine is getting married. He's eloping to some far-off destination to do it. He and the bride are not inviting anyone. It's their first marriage. He's in his early 40s, she's late 30s.

 

When they get back they plan on sending wedding announcements to friends and family. Not invitations, obviously, since the wedding is over, but announcements with a photo of the happy couple or something.

 

He wants to make certain that nobody sends them any wedding gifts. Since they're not inviting people to their wedding, they obviously don't feel it's right for people to send them gifts. They don't need gifts, they don't want gifts, and they certainly don't want people to feel pressured to send gifts.

 

He thinks they should write on the announcement, "Please no gifts" or something of the sort. I'm convinced that everyone will already know not to send them anything since they eloped and didn't invite anyone to the wedding. But the two of them are adamant that they don't want the announcement to look like they're fishing for gifts and would die of embarrassment if anyone sent them anything.

 

What say you? Write "No gifts" on the announcement or not?

[LucreziaBorgia]

 

What say you? Write "No gifts" on the announcement or not?

 

Generally, it is not good etiquette to do that. I wouldn't write anything, but perhaps the announcement can be on the informal side and say something along the lines of 'we eloped!' so that is it assumed that no gifts are necessary.

[Stung]

My only advice is to tell your friends not to stress about it overmuch. IME, there is just no way you can win with everybody where a wedding is involved, something about the nature of the beast brings out the busybody in too many people. I had a tiny, informal wedding, where I only invited a few relatives and requested that in lieu of gifts guests could choose their favorite charity to donate to. Most people understood but some people were miffed about this or that: not being invited (even though there were only 12 people including wedding party, ALL close relatives), not getting a gift registry, the fact that it wasn't formal, the fact that it wasn't religious, blah blah blah. I got criticized for having my wedding outdoors, I got criticized for having my wedding outside of the city we live in, I got criticized for not wearing a stupid poofy dress, hell my previously-best-friend still isn't speaking to me because I told her I was going to keep it to only family and asked her to understand that she couldn't be there.) People gave us gifts that we didn't ask for or particularly want, even though we asked them not to. People brought people who hadn't been invited, to the ceremony.

 

The thing is, it was still an amazing, beautiful day. Most people were cool, and in the end it taught me a lot about my friends and family. My wedding was the way I wanted it, casual, happy, romantic, something I will look back on with no regrets.

 

In the grand scheme of things if people are deeply annoyed by a couple specifying 'no gifts' on their wedding announcement, they should probably reexamine their lives, because they haven't got any. Just my opinion.

[threebyfate]

I would write:

 

"Please don't send gifts but if you would like to, send a donation to ABC charity."

 

Better yet, forget the official announcement and do it informally through phone, email and in person. It's not often that people formally announce their elopement.

[Barky]

How about something along the lines of, "Your kind thoughts are the only gift we need."

 

Something positive, rather than the negative, "No gifts."

[stace79]

How about something along the lines of, "Your kind thoughts are the only gift we need."

 

Something positive, rather than the negative, "No gifts."

 

I love this!

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I wish I had an invitation on hand but we get plenty of invites to birthdays which read "the pleasure of your company is considered the dearest gift we could hope for" or something similar.

[troggleputty]

A friend of mine is getting married. He's eloping to some far-off destination to do it. He and the bride are not inviting anyone. It's their first marriage. He's in his early 40s, she's late 30s.

 

When they get back they plan on sending wedding announcements to friends and family. Not invitations, obviously, since the wedding is over, but announcements with a photo of the happy couple or something.

 

He wants to make certain that nobody sends them any wedding gifts. Since they're not inviting people to their wedding, they obviously don't feel it's right for people to send them gifts. They don't need gifts, they don't want gifts, and they certainly don't want people to feel pressured to send gifts.

 

He thinks they should write on the announcement, "Please no gifts" or something of the sort. I'm convinced that everyone will already know not to send them anything since they eloped and didn't invite anyone to the wedding. But the two of them are adamant that they don't want the announcement to look like they're fishing for gifts and would die of embarrassment if anyone sent them anything.

 

What say you? Write "No gifts" on the announcement or not?

 

Well quite seriously Barky, what your friends should really do upon returning from their elopement, is to throw a nice little party or reception, and they can inivite friends etc. to this reception. It doesn't have to be formal.

 

However weddings are social events, they are the fact of two people joining together and presenting themselves as joined to society. They are meaningful significant and symbolic.

 

The friends of the bride and groom want a chance to celebrate with them.

 

Guaranteed that when their friends get these announcements they will all be wondering when the party is, and why they weren't invited.

 

It's also kind of insane that this is their first marriage and they want to basically keep it on the down low. That's ridiculous and means something is very wrong in this relationship. No woman wants her marriage to be a secret, she wants to celebrate it.

 

I'll bet your friend is something of an anti-social cheap b*stard is he not? Admit it why don't you. I'll be he's an electrical engineer or a computer programmer, right? Is his wife a mail order bride or something?

 

Nevertheless if you're a true friend the best thing you could do for your friend is explain how important it is that he has some sort of public celebration of his marriage, i.e. at the very least inviting friends over for an informal party (you could even offer to help set things up).

 

Every woman dreams of being the center of attention and wearing the white dress at the wedding among a throng of admiring friends and relatives.

 

You need to have a discussion with your friend about this, be diplomatic, but it sounds like he's starting this marriage off on the wrong foot.

[troggleputty]

....oh by the way as to the issue of gifts, it's quite rude to tell anyone that they shouldn't give them a wedding gift (whether or not they throw the party).

 

Your friend is totally lacking in the social graces. You NEVER tell someone NOT to give a gift on an occasion like that. His friends will WANT to give them wedding gifts because as with the public reception/party that's how the other members of the community "participate" in the joyous occasion and are involved socially with their marital relationship.

 

Again this sort of thing is a function of modern times I guess. What does getting married even mean? Maybe it's just a way for his mail order bride to get her green card? I hope not.

 

So what are these "announcements" going to say: "OK we got hitched, please go away!"

[troggleputty]

My only advice is to tell your friends not to stress about it overmuch.

 

The problem is that his friend(s) are trying to get married on the down low for some inexplicable reason. Why do people in their 30's/40's need to "elope"? They don't. But if they do, why even bother announcing the wedding in the first place? What's the point? Either they regard their marriage as a private event, or a social event. They can just get married and not send out announcements to anyone. Why do they need the formality of sending out announcements, if they're not going to have a wedding or reception or party that anyone can actually be invited to?

 

 

 

 

IME, there is just no way you can win with everybody where a wedding is involved, something about the nature of the beast brings out the busybody in too many people. I had a tiny, informal wedding, where I only invited a few relatives and requested that in lieu of gifts guests could choose their favorite charity to donate to.

 

That's nice, but it demonstrates that you didn't understand the social function of gift-giving by guests at a wedding. It was apparently more important for you to prove your non-materialism then to allow your guests to bond with you by giving you wedding gifts. In a way by doing that you were sending the implicit message that any gift your guests would have given to you, would not have been important enough or personally meaningful enough to have warranted acceptance by you. "I don't want nor need your gift" is not really an appropriate message to send guests at a wedding. I'm sure you didn't mean it that way, but nevertheless that message is implicit in your refusal of any gifts.

 

 

 

Most people understood but some people were miffed about this or that: not being invited (even though there were only 12 people including wedding party, ALL close relatives), not getting a gift registry, the fact that it wasn't formal, the fact that it wasn't religious, blah blah blah.

 

Well these were "all close relatives" yet multiple people were miffed? When you invite a select few but exclude others who feel they should be included, you can expect that some will be miffed. Did you play favorites among various relatives? Why would anyone complain that it wasn't a religious wedding--unless of course you come from a religious family and chose to flout the traditions of your family? That's your right, obviously, but why be surprised if people get miffed at the flouting of their traditions?

 

You see you can't have it both ways. A wedding is not really a prima donna event, not totally. It's a social event and it's about the married couple's entering into the larger society AS a married couple. It's about the married couple's recognition by and interaction with that larger society.

 

You were raised among a group of family members with various attitudes, many of which you apparently disagree with and chose to flout. That's your right, but don't be surprised if grandma (or whoever it was) gets irritated if the "Wedding March" is played by a bongo player rather than the nice church lady on the organ.

 

 

 

 

I got criticized for having my wedding outdoors, I got criticized for having my wedding outside of the city we live in, I got criticized for not wearing a stupid poofy dress,

 

Err...umm...."who" was criticizing you so much??? I'm guessing your mother? Your grandmother? (Perhaps in laws?) It could not possibly have been a man, right? Men don't really care about wedding details, they'd rather be watching the ball game anyway. Why not indicate who was criticizing you? If it was your mom, then do you realize many of your decisions about the wedding were probably made, at least unconsciously, simply to tick her off?

 

 

hell my previously-best-friend still isn't speaking to me because I told her I was going to keep it to only family and asked her to understand that she couldn't be there.

 

 

O.K. so you also even managed via the way you arranged your wedding, to alienate your best friend? How is that possible, really. See you didn't view your wedding as what it was, which was: the interaction of your marital relationship with society. Had you viewed it that way you would have understood why your BEST FRIEND was so upset that you didn't invite her. Typically the signature event in a best friend's life, esp. among females, is to be the maid of honor at their friend's wedding, or certainly, to at least be in the bridal party (assuming a relative has dibs on maid of honor).

 

Why didn't you want your BEST FRIEND to be at your wedding? Note, I'm not saying you were obligated to have her there. That's your choice. But why would you make such a choice, in the first place? Please don't claim you couldn't have added another guest, that's ridiculous.

 

 

 

People gave us gifts that we didn't ask for or particularly want, even though we asked them not to.

 

Yes, of course. Because the giving of gifts at a wedding is not "all about the recipient." It is the giver's expression of participation in the marriage. You shouldn't have asked people to not give you gifts, in the first place.

 

 

 

People brought people who hadn't been invited, to the ceremony.

 

LOL, no, "people" didn't do this--your "close relatives" did this, since you said "close relatives" were the only people that you invited! This means your family (or maybe your h's family) lacks knowledge of proper etiquette.

 

On the other hand, since you apparently accommodated multiple extra people, you OBVIOUSLY could have accommodated your best friend as well. You simply chose not to. You chose to exclude her. And she probably found out from you, or someone, that "extra" people who weren't even invited were allowed to come to the wedding that she was NOT permitted to come to. (No wonder your best friend isn't speaking with you.) If you were going to insist on laying down the law of no extra guests, your best friend could not come, then obviously you should NOT have tolerated "uninvited" guests, if you wanted to avoid this situation.

 

The thing is, it was still an amazing, beautiful day. Most people were cool, and in the end it taught me a lot about my friends and family. My wedding was the way I wanted it, casual, happy, romantic, something I will look back on with no regrets.

 

...except your post expressed quite a few regrets: a lot of hostility towards your own family's behavior; and you lost your best friend over it. You could have handled it differently.

 

 

 

In the grand scheme of things if people are deeply annoyed by a couple specifying 'no gifts' on their wedding announcement, they should probably reexamine their lives, because they haven't got any. Just my opinion.

 

No wonder you have problems getting along with people.

[make me believe]

How about something along the lines of, "Your kind thoughts are the only gift we need."

 

Something positive, rather than the negative, "No gifts."

 

I think something like that would definitely be better than "no gifts". If I got a formal announcement of an elopement in the mail, I would assume the couple expected me to send a gift, unless the announcement said otherwise. They'll likely still receive gifts from some people no matter what they do or how they word it, though.

However, I think the best thing to do would be to either just call people up to spread the good news, or throw a reception to celebrate with family & friends. I've always thought it was common after eloping to come home and have a reception with family & friends to allow them to join in celebrating your new marriage.

[melodymatters]

Well quite seriously Barky, what your friends should really do upon returning from their elopement, is to throw a nice little party or reception, and they can inivite friends etc. to this reception. It doesn't have to be formal.

 

However weddings are social events, they are the fact of two people joining together and presenting themselves as joined to society. They are meaningful significant and symbolic.

 

The friends of the bride and groom want a chance to celebrate with them.

 

Guaranteed that when their friends get these announcements they will all be wondering when the party is, and why they weren't invited.

 

It's also kind of insane that this is their first marriage and they want to basically keep it on the down low. That's ridiculous and means something is very wrong in this relationship. No woman wants her marriage to be a secret, she wants to celebrate it.

 

I'll bet your friend is something of an anti-social cheap b*stard is he not? Admit it why don't you. I'll be he's an electrical engineer or a computer programmer, right? Is his wife a mail order bride or something?

 

Nevertheless if you're a true friend the best thing you could do for your friend is explain how important it is that he has some sort of public celebration of his marriage, i.e. at the very least inviting friends over for an informal party (you could even offer to help set things up).

 

Every woman dreams of being the center of attention and wearing the white dress at the wedding among a throng of admiring friends and relatives.

 

You need to have a discussion with your friend about this, be diplomatic, but it sounds like he's starting this marriage off on the wrong foot.

 

Wow ! You've managed to insult a bride and groom you've never met, and every woman on the planet by deciding that we ALL want to wear a gay dress, and be coo'ed over like a 2 yr old !!!

 

I have been involved in theatre my whole life, and own a theatre company, the LAST thing I would want is for my wedding to feel like another damn show I have to "produce".

 

As for the OP, I think this couple has the right to marry and celebrate however they so choose ! I DO think they should put " No gifts please, we just wanted to share our happy news" or something on the announcements or people may very well assume that they are solicting gifts !

 

I would be happy to get the announcement ( Heck, they mailed it me, didn't put it on damn facebook) and would be relieved they weren't trying to get me to subsidize their elopement !

 

I would then send a lovely card and write a heartfelt note expressing my happiness for them, and say that when they are settled in, I would love to have them over for dinner, or take them out to celebrate.

[Stung]

 

 

 

Well these were "all close relatives" yet multiple people were miffed? When you invite a select few but exclude others who feel they should be included, you can expect that some will be miffed. Did you play favorites among various relatives? Why would anyone complain that it wasn't a religious wedding--unless of course you come from a religious family and chose to flout the traditions of your family? That's your right, obviously, but why be surprised if people get miffed at the flouting of their traditions? 1. Nowhere in my post did it say the multiple people who were miffed were the close relatives who attended the wedding. Neither my family nor my husband's is at all religious, nor are my husband and myself. A minority of people we know from our offices, even neighbors, people we barely know and are not close to, felt free to comment negatively because we chose not to have a religious wedding--much as you, a total stranger, are doing.

 

You see you can't have it both ways. A wedding is not really a prima donna event, not totally. It's a social event and it's about the married couple's entering into the larger society AS a married couple. It's about the married couple's recognition by and interaction with that larger society.

 

2. This is your opinion.

 

You were raised among a group of family members with various attitudes, many of which you apparently disagree with and chose to flout. That's your right, but don't be surprised if grandma (or whoever it was) gets irritated if the "Wedding March" is played by a bongo player rather than the nice church lady on the organ.

 

3. There was no bongo. There was no wedding march. I never expressed any surprise. My family has never been to church. You are chock-full of assumptions.

 

 

 

 

Err...umm...."who" was criticizing you so much??? I'm guessing your mother? Your grandmother? (Perhaps in laws?) It could not possibly have been a man, right? Men don't really care about wedding details, they'd rather be watching the ball game anyway. Why not indicate who was criticizing you? If it was your mom, then do you realize many of your decisions about the wedding were probably made, at least unconsciously, simply to tick her off?

 

4. My mother told me she wished she'd eloped when she got married, to avoid all the pressure; she thought our wedding was beautiful, the only thing she cared about was that she was there and that everybody was happy. My mother-in-law was absolutely thrilled that she got a paid vacation and saw her only son get married. My grandparents are all deceased. My husband changed the invite list about a dozen times until we finally decided we were both most comfortable with keeping it as small and private as possible, and my father was taken aback that I didn't want a frilly white dress and a large formal reception, so there go your preconceptions . I spoke with my father and he agreed with me that if we didn't want the traditional trappings, it didn't make sense to spend money on them. A few old acquaintances I'm not particularly close to and my aunt's ex-husband thought it was weird or questionable that I left some traditions behind, as well as a neighbor and a couple coworkers who constantly probed me for details I didn't particularly want to share with them anyway.

 

People, rather like yourself in this instance, sometimes like to flex their power to be judgmental about things that don't even concern them, as it makes them feel important. I didn't indicate who specifically was critical, or confused, or what-have-you, because I didn't feel it was germane to the point. The point was actually not to rehash every detail and every motivation behind every detail of my own wedding, but simply to illustrate that you can never make everybody happy. Women who have traditionally formal weddings get ripped for being princessy divas, women who have small casual weddings get ripped for not being traditional. I have known plenty of people who complained about being expected to give wedding gifts, others who complained about requests for no gifts, some who find the concept of registries practical and others who find them offensive.

 

 

 

O.K. so you also even managed via the way you arranged your wedding, to alienate your best friend? How is that possible, really. See you didn't view your wedding as what it was, which was: the interaction of your marital relationship with society. Had you viewed it that way you would have understood why your BEST FRIEND was so upset that you didn't invite her. Typically the signature event in a best friend's life, esp. among females, is to be the maid of honor at their friend's wedding, or certainly, to at least be in the bridal party (assuming a relative has dibs on maid of honor).

 

Why didn't you want your BEST FRIEND to be at your wedding? Note, I'm not saying you were obligated to have her there. That's your choice. But why would you make such a choice, in the first place? Please don't claim you couldn't have added another guest, that's ridiculous.

 

5. That's true, I didn't view my wedding as the interaction of my relationship with society--I viewed it as the legal and symbolic solidification of my relationship with my husband and stepdaughter, a meaningful but relatively private affair. This does not mean your view is correct and mine is incorrect, only that they are different. My former friend has some interpersonal issues which were unfortunately triggered when I explained to her that I didn't want a large wedding and was not having anyone but close relatives, and I didn't foresee this. She and I have discussed it since and she admitted that she was basing a significant amount of her anger on a misconception and on buried feelings about a totally unrelated issue. As for not adding another guest, I would have had significant trouble adding her and her husband without also adding thirty other people, which is exactly what I was trying to avoid in order to keep my wedding small. Every single other friend/relative understood that I was trying to avoid playing favorites; she wanted to be the favorite.

 

 

 

 

Yes, of course. Because the giving of gifts at a wedding is not "all about the recipient." It is the giver's expression of participation in the marriage. You shouldn't have asked people to not give you gifts, in the first place.

LOL, no, "people" didn't do this--your "close relatives" did this, since you said "close relatives" were the only people that you invited! This means your family (or maybe your h's family) lacks knowledge of proper etiquette.

 

On the other hand, since you apparently accommodated multiple extra people, you OBVIOUSLY could have accommodated your best friend as well. You simply chose not to. You chose to exclude her.

 

6. That's true, my husband's family--who are, by the way, people--did bring 2 other people who were not actually invited, people who were also relatives. Since it was to be a casual day they didn't think we'd mind, and it was fine. There was still nobody at my wedding who was not related to us by blood or marriage, and of course we welcomed everybody graciously.

And she probably found out from you, or someone, that "extra" people who weren't even invited were allowed to come to the wedding that she was NOT permitted to come to. (No wonder your best friend isn't speaking with you.) If you were going to insist on laying down the law of no extra guests, your best friend could not come, then obviously you should NOT have tolerated "uninvited" guests, if you wanted to avoid this situation.

 

7. She did not 'find out' anything from anyone. She chose to write me a very nasty letter days BEFORE my wedding, and I didn't even know there would be extra people until I was AT my wedding and saw them there. Yes, I was able to accomodate it--would you have preferred I turn them away? The point was never that I could not afford more people, it was that both my husband and I wanted as private and intimate a wedding as we could have while keeping our parents happy. We had to draw the circle very tight to AVOID playing obvious favorites because of this, and we chose to limit the guest list , so yes, I did choose to exclude her. I chose to limit my wedding to very close family and I explained my reasoning to her. My friend, who had issues with her own wedding which I was extremely supportive of, chose to send me a cruel letter days before my own wedding largely because of her own dramatic tendencies. Even if I had known I was going to have more people at the last minute I would probably not have included her at that point, because of this. In my estimation she overreacted and reacted badly, stressing me out and letting me see how much we were growing apart anyway because of other issues. Not that these details are any of your business.

 

 

 

...except your post expressed quite a few regrets: a lot of hostility towards your own family's behavior; and you lost your best friend over it. You could have handled it differently.

 

 

8. I do have ONE regret, which is the rift opened between my friend and myself. Knowing everything that I know and you do not know, however, I also know it was inevitable at some point and had been coming for some time; I do wish my wedding had not been the catalyst, as it intensified some issues and made for a lot of bad feelings all around. I have zero hostility towards my family or my in-laws, if you picked up hostility either my tone was off or your interpretation was wildly off or some combination thereof. I have no regrets for not conducting my wedding according to the expectations of coworkers, neighbors, acquaintances, or a stranger on a forum

 

 

 

 

No wonder you have problems getting along with people.

 

9. I AM still sorry that one friendship was affected negatively but as a general rule, no, I don't have problems getting along with people. The vast majority of my friends reacted the way I would have expected them to to news of my small wedding: like sane, supportive, and emotionally balanced adults, happy for a friend. That's why those people are still my friends.

 

Good trollery, Troggle--you got me to bite. Hope you had fun spreading your rather heavy-handed assumptions around.

Edited April 16, 2010 by Stung

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

How about announcing the marriage and saying something to the effect that "the wedding vacation gave us many memories to last a lifetime, and having each other is the greatest gift of all and we wanted to share our news with those who mean so much to us."