I am broken.

[LisaUk]

Oustanding post Mike, leaps and bounds! Don't worry about regreting this post if you backslide, we all backslide, it's part of the process, just like your current feelings are part of the process and what is important right now is you sieze your current feelings and go with them. In the grieving process, what will be will be, there are no short cuts, but you will get there eventually, just like I will!

[aimchase]

thanks for the replies. not sure what happened, but today i woke up pretty numb. it feels like i am emotionally bankrupt right now, which is nice to not be able to conjure up pain or tears. i just don't have it in me. the sun was shining today, which was very nice to feel. i just feel....different. W texted to me complaining about returning stuff and wanting everything done on her terms, saying that if i didn't comply she would see what the judge said, and go after me for the money she spent on me during the marriage. way to be petty. i almost laughed, because a) she'd be spending 300/hr to get some piddly **** back, and trying to get money from a broke person is like drawing blood from a turnip.

 

i also took off my wedding ring today. it feels strange and my finger seems naked, but i left it at home in case i would subconsciously put it back on.

I always get nervous when FP and chrome post, because i know that i'm gonna get yelled at (ie kids doing crap at home....uh oh dad's home!), so thank you for not giving me the screws but also giving some good points.

I did see a woman i didn't recognize yesterday. It's almost sad, because I know that's not her, but she has warped herself into this reality and she can't see the life preserver in front of her, she's grabbed onto divorce as the only answer. The only option I have is to let go, as I will destroy myself if I keep this up.

 

so i am cautiously optimistic that this is the 1st day of the rest of my life. I see that just as much as giving up right away isn't healthy, neither is holding onto something forever. Sure I hope the fog might lift someday, but I'm not counting on it.

 

I plan to get through the rest of this hopefully painlessly and effortlessly. I will not be weak again in front of her. I took her crap, i absorbed it and owned it for a short while, but my body's defense mechanisms took over and now are excreting that poison she put in my brain through my ears.

 

I plan on writing her a goodbye letter. Not one begging for a second chance, like old mike; not one talking about change, like old mike; but one asserting myself and telling her I will NOT be blamed for the demise and for her unhappiness, that everything wasnt as bad as she made it out to be, that she villified me and gaslighted me in order to justify her leaving, because in the end she chose to leave in spite of the fact multiple people would attest to the fact that I would have crawled over broken glass to mend this. I will not be the bad guy. In fact, I think i'm a pretty good catch. I'm decent looking , smart, funny, and will be a better person for this. I guess that's the silver lining here, that I get to reasses, grow, and really be self autonomous. I am now living my life for no one other than for myself.

 

In fact i hope she doesn't open it for months or even years, and one day she sees it in a pile of stuff from our M, blows the dust off, reads it, and breaks down...because HOLY SHI T. HE WAS RIGHT. And when she owns her stuff, and can get over her pride and contact me, i MIGHT give her the chance to start at ground zero IF she's lucky. She probably won't have that chance, because I will be with my then girlfriend/fiancee/wife. Living the dream.

 

Yes, I'm raw. Yes, this sucks, and I hurt. Maybe this is my 180. Maybe this is my wakeup call. Maybe I'm BSing myself, but for right now, for today at least, this attitude feels good. I just hope I'm not getting ahead of myself, and if I backslide you think i'm crazy, which would only be half true

 

Mikeymad version 2.0 is being constructed as we speak. Ladies (especially ) and gentlemen, watch out, all heck is gonna break loose.

 

In fact, you can respond today, but I won't get it until late, unlike i usually do, sitting at the computer all night hoping for someone to respond to give me some direction. This guy is gonna go out tonight. I gotta get on with the getting on.

 

 

Hell yeah! I'm loving this buzz that's coming from LS'ers at the moment! People who were so depressed are saying 'to hell with it', and are finding belief in themselves again!

 

I'm reading 'The Game' at the moment by Neil Strauss, as a friend recommended it as a good read. Although the subject is about picking up women, it's not that which is the the main interest. It's more the hilarious anecdotes which make being back on the market again, going out socialising, HAVING FUN, all the more exciting! I'm actually looking forward to meeting new people - I don't want a relationship at the moment, but I do want to enjoy time with my friends, flirt with single women, and just play around with no serious committments. (that doesn't mean i'm after one-night stands, I just want to enjoy myself).

 

It's great to see that you and Lisa are on the same track, although i'm not quite sure that Lisa is looking to 'live it large' in the same way as I intend to!

[LisaUk]

 

It's great to see that you and Lisa are on the same track, although i'm not quite sure that Lisa is looking to 'live it large' in the same way as I intend to!

 

No Lisa is definately not looking to "live it large", Lisa is a commitment and traditional kind of gal who is most definately not ready for a relationship anytime soon! Each to their own hey, I hope you have fun Aim, just don't take that book too much on board, women like honesty more than game players!

[aimchase]

No Lisa is definately not looking to "live it large", Lisa is a commitment and traditional kind of gal who is most definately not ready for a relationship anytime soon! Each to their own hey, I hope you have fun Aim, just don't take that book too much on board, women like honesty more than game players!

 

No, it's just not me to be playing 'The Game'. You know as well as anyone how loyal I am!

 

Anyway, this is Mikey's thread and we've slightly digressed........

[mikeymad]

Wow. She's getting really petty. In addition to asking for her things, she is actually going to try and go after me for backpay of what she terms "living expenses" while I was in school and afterwards when I didn't have an income and she shouldered the financial piece. She is witholding some stuff (tax info, bc i need her ss# to file separately) unless she gets paid. From someone who always said that she didn't care about money or things, when you don't have any it becomes a big priority.

 

we are supposed to meet today to exchange stuff. I'm putting my game face on, and will kill her with kindness.

[onedayatatyme]

Maybe the only reason we don't see recons here is because people generally come her to find help, not give testimonials of success. I am working on a recon. I know if things work out, I won't be loggin on to this site anymore.

 

tnttim claims to be several months into a successful recon. I personally have a couple who are friends who are very strong now a little over a year from almost splitting.

 

50-60% of marriages end in divorce. 70-80% of marriages experience infidentilty (that's the number of couples that admit it). Do the math, there's a fair amount of healing in there.

[onedayatatyme]

"infidentilty" ha ha. Sorry, I should proofread. You get the drift though.

[aimchase]

Wow. She's getting really petty. In addition to asking for her things, she is actually going to try and go after me for backpay of what she terms "living expenses" while I was in school and afterwards when I didn't have an income and she shouldered the financial piece. She is witholding some stuff (tax info, bc i need her ss# to file separately) unless she gets paid. From someone who always said that she didn't care about money or things, when you don't have any it becomes a big priority.

 

we are supposed to meet today to exchange stuff. I'm putting my game face on, and will kill her with kindness.

 

Oh i'm there too and wearing the t-shirt! She's going to her lawyer and attempting to discover how many ways she can possibly shaft me. Unfortunately for her, I don't think there are any.

 

Yet at the same time, she still cares enough to want to know if I have a new gf. Oddly, her interpretation of 'moving on' is that you have a new partner. Errr...no, my interpretation of moving on is peace of mind. I don't need, nor want a new gf to do that.

 

They're so mixed up and Chrome is bang on, they villify you and assure themselves that you're the a-hole, just to justify their own behaviour of which they won't introspect.

 

He's also right in that you'll move on because you're taking the right path, whilst she's fueling her emotions and won't get over anything because she's not searching in the right place.

 

'Run for the hills', never a better word said.

[floridapad]

Wow. She's getting really petty. In addition to asking for her things, she is actually going to try and go after me for backpay of what she terms "living expenses" while I was in school and afterwards when I didn't have an income and she shouldered the financial piece. She is witholding some stuff (tax info, bc i need her ss# to file separately) unless she gets paid. From someone who always said that she didn't care about money or things, when you don't have any it becomes a big priority.

 

we are supposed to meet today to exchange stuff. I'm putting my game face on, and will kill her with kindness.

 

Mike, I hope you see that your W is not the person you thought she is. Often you can tell about the integrity of a person in hard times and this shows what type of person she is. All smiles when things are good but a completely different person when times get a little tough. She is an Osterich burying her head in the sand. I hope you see that she does not deserve to be on the pedestal you have been putting her on.

 

Keep your emotions in check and be honorable around her and keep it light. Your attorney will do all the battling. Good luck

[mikeymad]

Having a bit of a backslide today. That toxic **** going in my ear worms its way into my brain. Send me a few texts about crap, but managed to throw in some barbs about "even though you own me thousands...." and "just one more reason." I think it's making it easier when she's being a bitch to me.

 

Question: There is an old ex that lives in the area apparently. We ended on good terms, but stopped communication when I got into a serious relationship with my ex (she felt she was a threat). Not that I would even want to get back together with her, but would it be ok to get in contact with her just to talk (marital martial law in effect) ? Might provide some insight on my past behaviors, or whatever. It's been over 4 years, and I know she has a bf, so I don't want to be viewed as a homewrecker either. Advice?

 

Also, came across this funny clip about relationships, or how they become relationSHI_TS. Fast forward to 2:43 to see why all this crap exes say comes out at the weirdest times. If you don't like strong language, stay away.

[tnttim]

Mikey, I think what we are all trying to say is "sh*t or get off the pot"

 

You know what you need to do, and how to do it, but your feelings are holding you back. Use that hat holder above your neck and think your way through this problem. Women use feelings to live life, men use their brain to live life, hence the incombatibility. Be a man and think.

 

I bet my last dollar you're still drinking your way through this problem. You need to put the sauce down and let the true Mikey shine through. You bury him deeper and deeper the more you drink, let him out, he's begging you to.

[mikeymad]

The thing is I don't know how to do this. It's like every avenue I take is a road that leads back to where I started. I guess I'm reaching out to anything that is familiar to me. I'm ****ting all over the place, hoping something will stick (that didn't come out sounding too good) and wondering if I have it in me to get off the pot for once and all. I think I have passed the desperate stage, and even though I still have hope, it's not on the front of my brain, as I know there is no way right now for that to happen.

 

PS. I'm not drinking to cope, so you can send me that dollar in the mail. Had a few last night with my bro, but that was the only time this week.

 

I'm still wondering advice on the old friend in town. It has nothing to do with trying to fix my current situation with my w if that's what you were implying.

Edited March 6, 2010 by mikeymad

[aimchase]

Mikey,

 

You're probably thinking of hooking up with the ex ex as you're hoping to get on with her, and prove to yourself that there's another world of women out there? Perhaps subconsciously it's a move to try and lift your self esteem?

 

I wouldn't go back to the past. The ex ex has moved on, and so had you. I know you may still consider her a friend but to truly move on, you need to move forward, not revert back to anything in the past.

 

Go out with your bro and enjoy yourself. Eventually you'll meet new people who have no knowledge or regard for your past, and that is where you will find your future.

[tnttim]

Mikey that's awesome, I'm glad you are not turning to drinking to solve this problem. Your posts come from 50 different directions sometimes, so I based my assumption on that. Your just confused on what to do, and that's perfectly normal, we all do it. Waffles are great for breakfast but are horrible for decisions. Make a plan and stick to it.

 

It's also great to hear you are going out with friends and living your life, I told you you would have fun in time, was I right? It just keeps getting better if you let it. One night when you go out you will meet a cutie that catches your eye and your wife will immediately lose all that power she has over you.

 

Quit beating yourself up, the Mikey I read about today is light years in front of the old Mikey. You have made great strides forward, but you don't realize it. Look at your original post and tell me with a straight face that the old Mikey is slowly dieing as the new one delivers the death blow.

[mikeymad]

I think keeping busy and reforming relationships with a lot of people have helped, as I don't have much time to sit by myself. I am still in awe of how we got here. It's messed up how that happens to two people. Maybe I will never understand. I'm not sure if I'm healing slowly, or in shock of what happened, as this all came about the day after my divorce hearing. I mean we exchanged stuff on friday, and yes I felt bad for a bit, but then went back to numb. I try really hard to not look at pictures, listen to sad songs etc. It also helps I set up an online dating site profile. I'm not ready to date by any stretch (I don't think I'd even want to date me), but the fact that other people will look at my profile and comment is a big ego boost, helping me to see that I'm not in fact the monster she makes me out to be. I hope that if she chooses not to be a part of my life, I can find someone who will want to be part of it, and make me part of theirs...

And i found these words to follow:

 

"Someday everything will all make perfect sense. So for now, laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears, and keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason."

 

 

1. People are My wife is illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
   I will Love them her anyway.
    
   
   
2. If you do good, people my wife will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
   Do good anyway.
   
   
3. If you are successful, you win false friends and true enemies.
   Succeed anyway.
   
   
4. The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow -by her.
   Do good anyway.
   
   
5. Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
   Be honest and frank anyway.
   
   
6. The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
   Think big anyway.
   
   
7. People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
   Fight for a few underdogs anyway.
   
   
8. What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
   Build anyway.
    
   
   
9. People My wife may really need help but may attack me if I do help them her.
   I will help people her anyway.
   
   
10. Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
    Give the world the best you have anyway.
    

And for those who go that extra step:

In the final analysis, it's between you and God. It was never between you and "them" anyway.

Edited March 8, 2010 by mikeymad

[floridapad]

Dang Mike, TNTTim is right. You have grown immensely and are defogging a bit yourself (yes even the BS can be in a fog). I loved your list in the last post and will keep it with me. Keep it up. Pretty soon the direction you have picked will be easier and easier to follow and will become more natural. Perserverance is your friend and personal growth and a more loving relationship in the future is your reward.

[tnttim]

Mikey I have some divorced friends and they all the same thing "my divorce was the best thing that happened to me because I can finally be myself." You too will utter those words some day my friend. It's called the light at the end of the tunnel and as along as your a*s faces the dark side of the tunnel. You will make it out.

[mikeymad]

maybe most say they are happy after a D because their last memories are ones of anger, pain and betrayal over an M, and like in the wild, it's adapt or perish. I've seen stats that say that most people who walk away from an M aren't any happier, and in fact they wished they could go back and try again.

 

Tnt- there is a quote that encompasses your tunnel compliment:

“Everyone is in the Light, some just stand with their backs to it and only see the shadows."

[floridapad]

Mike,

 

Some aren't any happier because they never resolved the issues in their old M. They run into the same relationship crap as they had before. YOU are doing things a little different than most. Your holding yourself accountable and looking inwards to grow. Many people do not do this. Your W being one. SHE will be the one saying she wished she tried again in her M.

[mikeymad]

and how do you explain to anyone who asks why it didn't work out? Aside from it being an intensly personal question, and likely to find out whose "fault" it was, I don't want to seem like a bitter betty, but there's often a lot of issues surrounding it, and I'm finding the further I get along in this, the more confused I am about it.

I just realized that when someone asked me it today, that it is a huge elephant in the room, especially for someone my age, and I cant even answer it for myself, but less answer that for them.

[Gunny376]

Strictily speaking for myself? Although initially pretty raw and rough? I can honestly say that I'm better off without her! Being married to 'her' was like dragging a dead horse around everywhere I went.

[LisaUk]

and how do you explain to anyone who asks why it didn't work out? Aside from it being an intensly personal question, and likely to find out whose "fault" it was, I don't want to seem like a bitter betty, but there's often a lot of issues surrounding it, and I'm finding the further I get along in this, the more confused I am about it.

I just realized that when someone asked me it today, that it is a huge elephant in the room, especially for someone my age, and I cant even answer it for myself, but less answer that for them.

 

You say, "you would have to ask her that, b/c she never expressed any unhappiness, I loved her and would have done anything to work things out with her, but she did not give me the opportunity, I guess she had her reasons, but I do not know what they are and that has made understanding this and coming to terms with it very difficult for me".

[tnttim]

The working at it part will kill any M, reconcialtion, or relationship. It's not supposed to be work, it's supposed to be enjoying life together. You see your way through the bad and try to have fun, fairly simple. I think the more you work at something, the more it will fail. You think she was working on the relationship with OM, hell no, it was all about fun.

[LisaUk]

The working at it part will kill any M, reconcialtion, or relationship. It's not supposed to be work, it's supposed to be enjoying life together. You see your way through the bad and try to have fun, fairly simple. I think the more you work at something, the more it will fail. You think she was working on the relationship with OM, hell no, it was all about fun.

 

Unfortunately Tim, marriage and relationships (all relationships, work, friendships, family require effort) are work. Fact. Understanding that is part of making a commitment and growing up.

 

"you think she was working on the realtionship with OM, hell no, it was all about fun" and that right there is the reason you are better off without this women.

[mikeymad]

The OM is not the issue. She admitted that it happened due to my absence, feeling lonely, and wanting to find that "spark" she felt we lost. I'm not excusing her actions in the bit, but that was an effect of what was going on, not a cause. Much like the fire is not the cause, but who left the towel on the stove, and the stove on, and things unattended that led to the fire.

That is the biggest thing, because a towel on the stove isn't a big deal by itself. If I can correctly identify those issues, you nip problems in the bud before they get to a 5 alarm blaze.