How to approach overweight wife....

[RobinLeftPencil]

Hi guys. First time post here. I've read thru some posts here and I am ready to post my issue.

I am married over 10 years, in my late 30's with 2 kids. Since the birth of our second child (over 4 months ago) my wife has put on a lot of weight and has completely stopped exercising. Shes 5'6"" about 180....her "good" weight is about 140. The extra 40 lbs is nothing but flab in some pretty unappealing spots to say the least. I have mentioned to her I would work out with her, give her time to work out whatever...I have tip-toed around it for over a year(as she went from 135 to 150 to 180 to over 200 when she was pregnant). I understand weight gain during pregnancy ----but at some point it should come off. She was over 200 during pregnancy and before that was a good 20-25 lbs over her normal weight. Ive never said anything till now...after repeated attempts to get her to work out (which she has done in the past successfully) I finally said that I love her but I am not attracted to the extra weight. Its not just the weight its the fact that its rolls of fat and cellulite. Needless to say this did not go over well...she has basically been hysterically upset over this and everytime it comes up we dont talk for days and days. I have always dated thinn-ish attractive women and I would have never even dated her if she looked like this---about me...I am very fit and muscular. I workout 4-5 times a week. I like a women to be curvy...but not fat--so I am not looking for my wife to be Kate Moss...I would be more than happy with J-LO type body which is what she was before. She hates the weight too but is in denial...I know summers coming and she wont even get in a bikini because she knows she looks terrible. This has caused sever damage to our relationship as we have no sex now...at all and we bicker over everything else as a result of not sharing that intimacy which before all of this weight gain was pretty damn good. So what do you guys think ? I do NOT want to divorce...I love my kids and respect my wife as a mother and homemaker...but I am not turned on by overweight women and I never will be.

[EnigmasMuse]

4 months to me is not a very long time. Others will probably tell you she should have dropped it 6 weeks after delivery just because they did.

 

Anyway, I do think its harder for some to lose baby weight quicker than others. But what I am really seeing here is that she has put on right much weight over the years period. Which is what really needs to be addressed more than just just not losing some after the baby.

 

This is kind of a tough situation. Because even though you have told her how you feel, it has now probably made someone who obvioulsy didn't feel to good about themselves to begin with now feel even worse. I'm sure it was "tough love" on your part in thinking it would jump start her into wanting to lose the weight. However, I don't always think that works on everyone. If she is depressed or something is really bothering her, then it might make it tougher for her to want to lose it because she may not have the motivation and determination to do so, which means if there is an underlying problem that is causing it, then that needs to be delt with first.

 

make sure there is no medical issues going on, to rule that out. if there is none there then it might be more of a pyschological thing.

[madnigerianswife]

whoa, your pretty ballsy.

its hard to lose weight after a baby and it hurts like hell to have someone tell you they dont find you attractive anymore.

 

 

what exactly are you expecting her to look like?

i highly doubt she is gonna look like she did pre children?

[FryFish]

Its diet more than lack of exercise... Ask her why she is still eating for 3 when she already had the baby.

[JackJack]

I really don't know how to tell you the best way to go about it. It is a touchy subject and especially on here. This is a topic that has been addressed before on here, and raised quite a stir. But everyone has their viewpoints, so in the end it will have to be up to you on how to handle it.

 

You will get people who will tell you, she has no medical issues or emotional issues, she is just lazy and fat and doesn't want to work out period etc. Someone will go the extra mile and even be more cruel to help validate you and themselves because they think what worked for them should work for you and wife as well etc. They will tell you she probably uses excuses too, when they like myself, do NOT really know what may or may not be going on with her.

 

So sit back and enjoy the ride.

[Gabriele]

WOW, 4 months......that is not a lot of time! I think you said this was baby #2? it's harder each time to loose the weight. After 4 months her hormones are still not going to be back to normal yet....

 

Like another poster said, she likely already feels bad......and you just verbalized her worst judgment of herself, not cool.

 

After a baby, your emotions and life are all different! For most women the weight would come off more like after a year....or so.

 

Perhaps you could, rather than telling her to go to the gym and work out....go for a walk as a family, or other together/bonding things that get you active together. It will also help nurture the intimacy. start slowly. You have put a lot of pressure on her........ a new born is a lot of work.

 

You need to apologize for you insensitivity. And LOVE HER. Try to find attractiveness in all that she does for you and her kids.

 

All the best,

Gabriele

[PandorasBox]

I really don't know how to tell you the best way to go about it. It is a touchy subject and especially on here. This is a topic that has been addressed before on here, and raised quite a stir. But everyone has their viewpoints, so in the end it will have to be up to you on how to handle it.

 

You will get people who will tell you, she has no medical issues or emotional issues, she is just lazy and fat and doesn't want to work out period etc. Someone will go the extra mile and even be more cruel to help validate you and themselves because they think what worked for them should work for you and wife as well etc. They will tell you she probably uses excuses too, when they like myself, do NOT really know what may or may not be going on with her.

 

So sit back and enjoy the ride.

 

 

I agree with this. Its just a matter of time before they come out of the woodwork.

 

To the OP, you said you are not turned on by overweight women and never will be, and that is your feelings and choice and that is fine but, whats your plan if she doesn't loses the weight? No matter what the reason is.

[BettyBoop]

I am a dietitian and I can tell you right now that FOUR MONTHS AFTER PREGNANCY IT IS NOT TIME TO LOOSE ALL THE WEIGHT IN ONE DAMN GO!!!

 

Seriously! Women are recommended to go back to the food and exercise regims they had before the birth and LISTEN TO THEIR BODIES. DO NOT think you can just put a woman who has just given birth on a threadmill the first thing you do! Giving birth is a big thing. Women are recommended to aim to go back to their pre-pregnancy weight within ONE YEAR from the birth of the baby.

 

However, that she has gained a lot of weight after the pregnancy might have more to do with the foods than exercise. She might be stressed about the birth and not have the time to eat healthy. And telling her you do not find her attractive will NOT decrease those stress levels. In fact, stress can make it easier for the body to put ON weight!!

 

If she isn't back to her pre-pregnancy weight after ONE YEAR then you have a reason to complain.

 

Telling her you do not find her attractive will most likely add more stress to her in addition to having a baby and another child and she will probably start with the comfort eating. Your problems will then escalate. You cannot expect her to go on a diet after giving birth especially if she is breast-feeding. Then she needs enough energy and nutrients to be able to do that alone.

 

The body is in a mess after a pregnancy. Sex can be painful sometimes. Has your wife been checked up regularly to see how she is healing down there? This is not the time to think about what your wife can do for you - but what you can do for her.

[BettyBoop]

Perhaps you could, rather than telling her to go to the gym and work out....go for a walk as a family, or other together/bonding things that get you active together. It will also help nurture the intimacy. start slowly. You have put a lot of pressure on her........ a new born is a lot of work.

 

You need to apologize for you insensitivity. And LOVE HER. Try to find attractiveness in all that she does for you and her kids.

 

Amen to that!

[threebyfate]

This will be easy to resolve. Either send her off to a live-in weight loss spa for 3 months, with no child-minding or domestic responsibilities, or hire a full-time nanny and domestic help, so she can apply herself fully to the job of losing 40 lbs, for your viewing pleasure!

[wizer]

So many women let themselves go after they get married and have a couple of kids. I look around at the beasts that some of my friends are married to and I'm just so glad to be out of my own marriage. Not that she was a beast, but she had a ton of cosmetic work and even then she was putting on the weight.

 

All I can tell you is that if she cared, she'd do something about it, and there's nothing you can say or do to motivate her in fact anything you try to do will have the opposite effect.

 

Now you know why so many people cheat.

[crazycatlady]

That soon after birth it is possible its PPD that she migth not even know she has.

 

Is she a stay at home mother? It is EXHAUSTING to be home all day alone with two young children. Young children are physically needy which can really drain you, especially if you have a little bit of baby blues to go along with it.

 

And there are bigger changes to the body after the second baby that might not have occured with the first. What type of child birth did she have? If it was a c-section then not only does she have the weight to deal with but her muscles being cut. Was this baby carried with most of the baby showing out front? That can blow the core muscles making it difficult to get them back.

 

There are so many reasons behind her weight. And if she is already feeling bad your approached truly sucked. It was possible very rude and inconsiderate and unfeeling depending on any of the answers of the things I asked above.

 

Instead of basically ordering her to the gym, take the kids every day, let her have free time and let her decided what to do with her free time. She might just decide to go the gym because SHE wants to go. Cook dinner and make sure its a good wholesome meal. Be proactive and supportive, not the way you came across like ubber *******.

 

CCL

[blair08]

"about me..I'm very fit and muscular..and work out 4-5 times a week."

 

 

That's great! But that is you, right?

 

I guess you feel its ok to be a finger pointer at your wife because you are fit and muscular.

 

I agree with TBF too, send her off to a weight loss camp. Where she is free to concentrate only on her weight. Not you or the kids. You should do all of that, since her losing weight is whats important.

[threebyfate]

are fit and muscular.

I wonder who's taking care of the kids while he's staying fit and muscular.

[sagetalk]

If anyone finds the answer to this question, let me know. I am not married, but I hope to be someday. I am big time into being healthy. I would view my wife as I would view myself, since two are supposedly one in a marriage relationship. If she was overweight (40lbs is not an acceptable overweight amount), I would feel that I was 40lb overweight as well and it would drive me crazy.

 

Her feelings do matter, but so do your feelings. If she is that much overweight she is definitely not healthy or fit. You are doing a disservice to her by not letting her know how you truely feel. By being overweight, she is exposing herself to knee problems, back problems, diabetes, public humiliation, lower energy levels, lower self esteem, and more. These feelings and health issues will effect your marriage and your physical attraction to her. She needs to know.

 

How do you tell her? Beats me, women are ridiculously sensitive about this, even to their own demise in many cases.

[CarrieT]

If anyone finds the answer to this question, let me know. I am not married, but I hope to be someday. I am big time into being healthy. I would view my wife as I would view myself, since two are supposedly one in a marriage relationship. If she was overweight (40lbs is not an acceptable overweight amount), I would feel that I was 40lb overweight as well and it would drive me crazy.

 

Here's your answer: One important factor for YOU when you meet the "right girl," is to make sure your view on this subject is made very apparent before you pop the question. It would be really horrendous for the girl to fall in love, marry you, have your children, and then be rejected because she has a weight problem that "drives you crazy" because you never let your feelings about it known beforehand.

[mem11363]

Eating healthy and exercising isn't a big deal. My wife and I used to put the kids in the stroller almost every night when they were little and walk for an hour or so. But then my wife never tried to claim that having children gave her diplomatic immunity for letting herself go.

 

Obesity is a choice.

 

 

 

 

This will be easy to resolve. Either send her off to a live-in weight loss spa for 3 months, with no child-minding or domestic responsibilities, or hire a full-time nanny and domestic help, so she can apply herself fully to the job of losing 40 lbs, for your viewing pleasure!

[threebyfate]

This woman isn't obese. She's in the overweight category within WHO standards of BMI measurement.

 

As well, she's just four months out of her second pregnancy.

 

Marriage is for keeps: in sickness and in health...until death do us part...

 

Eating healthy and exercising isn't a big deal. My wife and I used to put the kids in the stroller almost every night when they were little and walk for an hour or so. But then my wife never tried to claim that having children gave her diplomatic immunity for letting herself go.

 

Obesity is a choice.

[BettyBoop]

Eating healthy and exercising isn't a big deal. My wife and I used to put the kids in the stroller almost every night when they were little and walk for an hour or so. But then my wife never tried to claim that having children gave her diplomatic immunity for letting herself go.

 

Obesity is a choice.

 

Mem, with all due respect, putting on weight during pregnancy isn't really a choice... And the point here is that she is in a vulnerable place just having a baby and he thought this was the greatest opportunity to approach the subject. He should have said something *before* the children if it was already a problem back then. If it wasn't, he should have said something 1 year *after* her first pregnancy. Or he should mention this one year *after* this one. He hasn't even given her any time to lose weight after this one! Four months is nothing when you carried around a baby for nine!

 

I do agree however walking and strolling with the kids is a good way of exercising especially after you've just had a baby. And he should encourage his wife that they do so together.

 

If the food is a problem he should throw away all the bad foods and stock up with vegetables, milk and lean protein and wholegrains and fruit.

[BettyBoop]

How do you tell her? Beats me, women are ridiculously sensitive about this, even to their own demise in many cases.

 

You sit her down and say "I love you so incredibly much and you are beautiful. Honey, I want you to be fit so that we can live a long life together. I want to support you in every way I can so that we can both stay fit together so that we can play with our kids and keep the energy to stay active with them many years from now on. I want us to eat healthier and spend less time in front of the TV and more outdoors doing things together as a family. Can't we take the kids out for a walk this weekend? I would love that. If you feel you'd like some time to go do yoga or maybe some aerobic class to get back into pre-pregnancy shape I would love to take the kids for an hour or two so that you can do this. Because you are important to me and so is your health."

 

Not "You're fat and I'm not attracted to you. Even though you just had my second child I think you should start losing weight now or I won't look at you without focusing on your fat and cellulites."

[threebyfate]

I find the expectations brutal, by men in this thread. Seriously. I'd trade in my husband for a newer, better model, if he pulled this stunt on me, 4 months after our second child.

 

For that matter, I've been pondering about whether or not to ever have a second child. Now I won't bother for certain, if hubby feels this way too.

 

If this were 1 year or years after the second child, it's a whole nuther ballgame. Perhaps putting it into perspective might help. If not, expect to be traded in...

[threebyfate]

Sorry but thats BS. I have been into fitness my whole life. She knows this...I didnt marry an obese woman. I know thru diet and exercise you can lose weight. And for the dietician to say one shouldnt get on a treadmill for a year after pregnancy...you should be fired. Thats ridiculous "doctor" advice...every doctor basically says even when you have alittle injury...to "not work out for 2-4 weeks"...ridiculous. I have never taken that advice and it hasnt hurt me one bit.

I know some of you are trying to help...but obesity IS a choice. Its a series of choices. And being fit and muscular does not take up that much time so as I cant be a good father. I work out like 3-4 hours a week. I would bet any man or woman who is obese spends at twice that amount of time watching tv or the computer or eating. Stop believing that you have to workout 8 hours a day to be fit. These are the kinds of barriers that defeats men and woman before they get started.

Moving beyond that....what will I do if she doesnt lose weight ? Probably just ignore her sexually...and see where that goes. I love my kids...so I dont want to lose them..or my wife for that matter. I just want her to make an EFFORT. That alone will be enough...She gave birth...she didnt have her legs amputated.

Your wife isn't obese. She's a woman 4 months out of pregnancy, in the overweight category. Get your facts right.

 

As for your wife not making an effort, once again, you mess with the facts. According to your previous post, your wife was over 200 lbs when pregnant. Now she's 180. Sounds to me like she's already dropped some weight. You realize that it's only healthy to lose a pound a week, don't you? So in 4 months, she should have lost 17 to 18 pounds. Sounds to me like she's right on target...

[BettyBoop]

And for the dietician to say one shouldnt get on a treadmill for a year after pregnancy...you should be fired.

 

Wow. You didn't even read my post and based on assumptions you said that. Just. Wow. Says a whole lot about you.

 

I said:

 

"DO NOT think you can just put a woman who has just given birth on a threadmill the first thing you do! "

 

Nothing about not for a year and a treadmill. What I *did* say about one year was:

 

"Women are recommended to aim to go back to their pre-pregnancy weight within ONE YEAR from the birth of the baby."

 

Seriously. Read the post before you jump to conclusions...

[threebyfate]

One more option is to get her liposuction, a tummy tuck and also, a breast augmentation. She'll be ready for you in a couple of weeks!!

Edited February 20, 2010 by threebyfate
Freudian slip on the misspelling of liposuction...

[cuppa]

I find that women motivate other women better. I've been exercising everyday and my coworkers actually see my transformation (I wasn't fat before but I wasn't toned). A few of them now exercise together with me and I lend them some of my workout DVD. I am not sure what motivated me other than perhaps, I looked at the picture of my husband and I and how I had become the chubbier of the two (and I didn't like it a bit) or I just love to look good in general.

 

I think your wife needs a support system. There are ways to motivate herself online, one of them is 30 day shred from Jillian Michaels (20 Mins a day only) to get her back to shape (and the best part, it's only 20 mins).

 

And then eating habits, I track my calories on & off in www.livestrong.com - it helps too.

 

My husband never pressures me but one thing that he said that always stick in my mind is that "there is no ugly girl, only lazy girl" - everyone can find that 20 mins to walk or to do 30 day shred. I don't feel good when I don't like what I see in the mirror.

 

Now, the key is....is there anyone but you who can motivate her like this? Perhaps her best friend? If I were your wife's friend, I would have similar talks like this, the way I did to my coworkers & my other girlfriends. even my facebook has my workout updates and I know a few got inspired by it too. And yes, I can get away with it without feeling hurt because we do "the women talk".