How to approach overweight wife....

[CarrieT]

Sorry but thats BS. I have been into fitness my whole life. She knows this...I didnt marry an obese woman. I know thru diet and exercise you can lose weight. And for the dietician to say one shouldnt get on a treadmill for a year after pregnancy...you should be fired. Thats ridiculous "doctor" advice...every doctor basically says even when you have alittle injury...to "not work out for 2-4 weeks"...ridiculous. I have never taken that advice and it hasnt hurt me one bit.

I know some of you are trying to help...but obesity IS a choice. Its a series of choices. And being fit and muscular does not take up that much time so as I cant be a good father. I work out like 3-4 hours a week. I would bet any man or woman who is obese spends at twice that amount of time watching tv or the computer or eating. Stop believing that you have to workout 8 hours a day to be fit. These are the kinds of barriers that defeats men and woman before they get started.

Moving beyond that....what will I do if she doesnt lose weight ? Probably just ignore her sexually...and see where that goes. I love my kids...so I dont want to lose them..or my wife for that matter. I just want her to make an EFFORT. That alone will be enough...She gave birth...she didnt have her legs amputated.

 

 

With all due respect, what I said was NOT BS as it was NOT addressed to you, but to Sagetalk who said, "If anyone finds the answer to this question, let me know. I am not married, but I hope to be someday. I am big time into being healthy. I would view my wife as I would view myself, since two are supposedly one in a marriage relationship. If she was overweight (40lbs is not an acceptable overweight amount), I would feel that I was 40lb overweight as well and it would drive me crazy."

I was offering pre-emptive advice to someone to keep them from getting into your situation. Please read carefully before responding to make sure who you are responding to.

[cuppa]

I find the expectations brutal, by men in this thread. Seriously. I'd trade in my husband for a newer, better model, if he pulled this stunt on me, 4 months after our second child.

 

For that matter, I've been pondering about whether or not to ever have a second child. Now I won't bother for certain, if hubby feels this way too.

 

If this were 1 year or years after the second child, it's a whole nuther ballgame. Perhaps putting it into perspective might help. If not, expect to be traded in...

 

I don't know if gaining from 140 lbs to over 200 lbs considered healthy though, even with pregnancy. I am planning to get pregnant and I try to get as fit as possible before I do so, part of it is because I want to ensure that I can go back to my normal weight asap and I gain healthy weight for my pregnancy.

 

My coworker is currently pregnant and her doctor told her that she's getting too much weight too fast (and she used to be fit, we used to exercise together). The truth is, she's not fat at all, she's all belly, no swollen face, no swollen feet, she looks beautiful. But she still took the suggestion by heart and started walking half an hour a day (outside or treadmill) to get fit during her pregnancy and I really applaud/cheer her efforts.

 

OP, I posted about the 20 mins workout (30 day shred from Jillian Michaels). Do you think your wife can take a break from her domestic responsibilities with 4 months baby? Could you take over from her so she can have one hour a time for herself everyday?

[threebyfate]

I don't know if gaining from 140 lbs to over 200 lbs considered healthy though, even with pregnancy. I am planning to get pregnant and I try to get as fit as possible before I do so, part of it is because I want to ensure that I can go back to my normal weight asap and I gain healthy weight for my pregnancy.

140 lbs was her original weight. Before her second child, she was at 165 lbs. When she was pregnant, she was at over 200 lbs so I'm going to guess around 205 lbs.

 

If you take all this into account, post delivery, his wife should have lost 12.5 lbs right away. That puts her at 192.5 lbs, by the time she left the hospital. In 4 months, if you consider healthy weight loss at a pound a week, she should have lost another say 17 lbs, which should bring her to 175.5 lbs. His wife is currently at 180, which is only 4.5 lbs out of the IDEAL target. As it stands she's only 15 lbs heavier, than her pre-second pregnancy weight.

 

I'm not suggesting that being overweight is healthy. But there's a level of reasonability involved. If he suddenly expects her to lose her weight, in at an unhealthy speed, to her pre-pre-pregnancy, this is not with her best, healthy interests in mind. It's selfish and superficial.

 

Now let's pretend that she's still at 180 lbs in 8 months to a year, post delivery. Then he should make it an issue. It would be to her benefit to be back at 165 lbs by this time. For her to lose the additional 25 lbs from her first pregnancy, in a HEALTHY fashion of 1 lb a week, it will take another 6 to 8 months beyond that.

[blair08]

"what will I do if she doesnt lose weight ? Probably just ignore her sexually...and see where that goes".

 

Ahh so two wrongs make a right. Sounds like by you doing that its just going to add to whatever other issues might be going on. But then again you can't help how you feel right, you ignoring her sexually is your choice just like you stated her being obese is her choice.

[cuppa]

140 lbs was her original weight. Before her second child, she was at 165 lbs. When she was pregnant, she was at over 200 lbs so I'm going to guess around 205 lbs.

 

If you take all this into account, post delivery, his wife should have lost 12.5 lbs right away. That puts her at 192.5 lbs, by the time she left the hospital. In 4 months, if you consider healthy weight loss at a pound a week, she should have lost another say 17 lbs, which should bring her to 175.5 lbs. His wife is currently at 180, which is only 4.5 lbs out of the IDEAL target. As it stands she's only 15 lbs heavier, than her pre-second pregnancy weight.

 

I'm not suggesting that being overweight is healthy. But there's a level of reasonability involved. If he suddenly expects her to lose her weight, in at an unhealthy speed, to her pre-pre-pregnancy, this is not with her best, healthy interests in mind. It's selfish and superficial.

 

Now let's pretend that she's still at 180 lbs in 8 months to a year, post delivery. Then he should make it an issue. It would be to her benefit to be back at 165 lbs by this time. For her to lose the additional 25 lbs from her first pregnancy, in a HEALTHY fashion of 1 lb a week, it will take another 6 to 8 months beyond that.

 

I think what OP said that she stopped exercising altogether. I don't know but this is not men vs women issues, this is about whether the other person putting the effort or not.

 

I am fairly sure that if the wife still exercises, then this post will not be made. Quite frankly, at one point, my husband was 225 lbs (he's 5'11), he looked very chubby and he was just recovering from achilles ruptures surgery. I have zero problem with this because I know he's bothered by this and his achiles was ruptured because he was too fat and put too much burden on his achiles/heels and hence, he can't play as effective in his basketball court.

 

But he exercises right away after he came off the cast and he watched what he ate. It took him 1 year to be where he is. I think "not trying" is the issue here, which is, I believe, what OP indicated that his wife stop taking an active approach (aka exercises) to get healthy & fit.

[threebyfate]

Another aspect of this is, how long between pregnancies of the first and second child? If it was a couple of years between delivery date of the first and the inception date of the second, why wouldn't you have made issue of this before her second pregnancy? If the pregnancies were within a year of each other, good luck for ANYONE, to lose weight between the two.

 

Also, it's even more difficult to lose weight after the second pregnancy.

[JackJack]

How about talking to her. Helping to get to the root of the problem. Suggesting some marriage counseling or something, or individual counseling for her? Maybe she has some things she needs to sort out. Do you think thats worth a shot? I read this in a magazine not long ago, and i don't know how much truth there is to it, maybe some. But I read some people who put on extra weight do so, as a protective way to keep others from being close to them, yes its a real issue. If I find the article I'll try to post here. So while you think you'll just "ignore her sexually" and that will teach her, her gaining weight might be what she wanted to do to keep you from her anyway. So before you call BS on, think about it, and see what it she might be trying to protect herself from. It could be anything from something recent to along time ago.

Edited February 20, 2010 by JackJack

[cuppa]

Another aspect of this is, how long between pregnancies of the first and second child? If it was a couple of years between delivery date of the first and the inception date of the second, why wouldn't you have made issue of this before her second pregnancy? If the pregnancies were within a year of each other, good luck for ANYONE, to lose weight between the two.

 

Also, it's even more difficult to lose weight after the second pregnancy.

 

I am confused by your post. What will be your suggestion for the solution for OP? It seems to me that you are blaming the OP while to me, the issue that he presented is actually valid.

 

He asked how to approach her and you seem to make justification that this is normal. I have seen so many women are able to get back in shape, even after back to back pregnancy. I know it's not easy but the key here is trying, that is by eating healthy, build your muscles, and exercise regularly.

 

Also, in your original post, you mention 1 lbs a week. But if you don't exercise, you will lose your muscles so even if you lose 1 lbs a week from breastfeeding or others, your body will fight you harder in order to lose weight. As far as I know, the only way to get fit is by building muscles, increase metabolism by eating healthy & regular exercises.

 

I don't believe in losing weight by dieting alone.

[threebyfate]

I think what OP said that she stopped exercising altogether. I don't know but this is not men vs women issues, this is about whether the other person putting the effort or not.

 

I am fairly sure that if the wife still exercises, then this post will not be made. Quite frankly, at one point, my husband was 225 lbs (he's 5'11), he looked very chubby and he was just recovering from achilles ruptures surgery. I have zero problem with this because I know he's bothered by this and his achiles was ruptured because he was too fat and put too much burden on his achiles/heels and hence, he can't play as effective in his basketball court.

 

But he exercises right away after he came off the cast and he watched what he ate. It took him 1 year to be where he is. I think "not trying" is the issue here, which is, I believe, what OP indicated that his wife stop taking an active approach (aka exercises) to get healthy & fit.

I went back to his original post and found some anomolies.

Shes 5'6"" about 180....her "good" weight is about 140.

She was over 200 during pregnancy and before that was a good 20-25 lbs over her normal weight.

This quote means she was 165 lbs, pre-second pregnancy, if normal = "good" weight, as expressed in the first post.

as she went from 135 to 150 to 180 to over 200 when she was pregnant

And yet, these weight increases don't correlate.

 

As for her exercising, making him happy, take a look at his first post. It expresses that her exercising was successful, so his emphasis isn't on health, it's on fat.

Ive never said anything till now...after repeated attempts to get her to work out (which she has done in the past successfully) I finally said that I love her but I am not attracted to the extra weight. Its not just the weight its the fact that its rolls of fat and cellulite.

[asireen]

You need to apologize for you insensitivity. And LOVE HER. Try to find attractiveness in all that she does for you and her kids.

 

Apologize, grovel, accept her as is. That's what you get when you give a woman marriage and kids. Now this PC high priestess Gabrielle is demanding that you love her. A lot of women, once they get you to marry them and give them kids, feel their objective has been achieved, and your role is that of just a provider. I don't see any need for an apology.

 

Certainly be a good provider for your family, but if she does not want to change one bit and sex with the spouse goes down the toilet, what options does a man have except get it outside of marriage? If she rightly feels guilty enough, she will look the other way. Just don't rub it in and be discreet.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I can understand being turned off by your partner. You are not attracted to overweight women, and now that your wife is overweight you aren't attracted to her. I'm sure you love her, but love does not overcome the fact that you are not attracted to rolls of fat and cellulite.

 

That said, I can tell you this: you are never, and I mean never going to get her to lose weight. She has to decide to do it on her own, and she will not do that if you nag, insinuate, take digs at her, point out your own health, or tell her you are not attracted to her.

 

If you do that, then she will not see a point in losing weight, because in her mind - you don't love her and no weight gain or loss will change that. She will think that you cannot accept her, and if you can't accept her and love her when she is fat then you don't really love her. I can see it from her side too. A lot of sexless women think along these same lines: that if their husband can't love them when they aren't putting out, then they don't love them period and there is no reason to ever put out.

 

Therein lies the rub: attraction is one of your needs and is important to you, and she can't see past her own hurt to realize that.

 

You and she need to get past your own hurts and frustrations and really talk about this. Not about your lack of attraction and her hurt over it - but something even deeper: your emotional and physical priorities in general and how to best compromise.

 

You don't get someone to lose weight with negative reinforcement. That never works, and always backfires. You have to get the person to the point where weight loss represents something positive: feeling good about herself, rather than trying to make her look good for you.

 

It ain't easy. Trust me. Any attempts to talk about the real issues are likely to be sidetracked by arguing over the symptoms of those issues, and just like when you treat symptoms and ignore the illness... your marriage will stay sick.

[SarahRose]

OP have you ever seen a naked woman who has given birth to a few children? I think you might have some unrealistic expectations provided to you by the media and airbrushed photos of celebrities and pornography.

 

Not everyone has the capability to bounce back and look like a bone thin super model after child birth. It stretches things beyond breaking point and things can stay flabby and stretched out no matter how much weight is lost.

 

Women are meant to have fat on their hips and breasts in order to stay alive to bear and raise children. The bone thin fad is not natural nor how people are supposed to be. Women were meant to have round bellies for child bearing.

 

Of course it is easy for you to stay fit. You are male. You have a higher metabolism and more muscle mass. Women are flighting against nature to get to the ridiculously low weights.

 

Does she have the luxury to go to the gym whenever she wants to? Do you volunteer to take the kids so she can go? I doubt it.

 

But clearly you have been brainwashed by airbrushed images of perfect women so go ahead and file for a divorce. Don't stay another day making your wife feel like rubbish just because she is 26 pounds overweight 4 months after having a baby.

[sagetalk]

 

If you do that, then she will not see a point in losing weight, because in her mind - you don't love her and no weight gain or loss will change that. She will think that you cannot accept her, and if you can't accept her and love her when she is fat then you don't really love her.

 

If my wife said that to me I would think that I made a miserable mistake when I married her. That would be unbearably hurtful and cruel. To hang the "you don't love me" in someone's face over something like weight is shameful and shallow. It borders on a mental disorder. Marriage has to be about honesty, and no man alive truthfully wants to see this happen to his wife. Because he's shallow? No, because when you love a women, you want the best for her in every aspect of her life. Being overweight is not the best thing for her.

 

Anyone that truly loves her would depise seeing her that unhealthy. Only people that hated her would want to see her like that.

[sagetalk]

Here's your answer: One important factor for YOU when you meet the "right girl," is to make sure your view on this subject is made very apparent before you pop the question.

 

Will do . I will try to be as clear as possible in the future with girls I date. It would be a living hell for me to watch a women I love live overweight and not care.

 

I have seen how much it hurts married men when their wives gain weight and don't care. They suffer in silence because they know it will hurt her feelings. It shouldn't be that way though, women can be just as dumb about relationship stuff as guys.

[Lizzie60]

You will have a hard time with this one..

 

My advice: stop showering.. see how she likes you 'smelly' in bed..

 

Most people (men and women) gain weight after they get married... but too much is too much...

 

You said you are ready to give her time to go exercise... do you eat healthy?

 

Four months is not that much to lose the baby weight.. but she should within a year for sure.. but I think you said she was already overweight before her last pregnancy...

 

Methink she is comfortable now... she's got a hubby.. she can let herself go...

 

If you're withholding sex because she's overweight.. you're probably doing her a favour.. because trust me.. with 2 young kids.. she is probably too tired for sex anyway.. so she will NOT become thinner any time soon..

[mem11363]

I agree with the points below. He needed to address this way earlier. I also believe that he should be her partner about this - he should eat healthy with her and exercise with her.

 

Men and women come with certain strongly held beliefs and preferences. Some women believe staying fit is part of their responsibility in staying attractive. I am not going to argue the right or wrong of this. Just saying some feel strongly they are obligated to stay fit and others feel just as strongly their husbands have no say in their weight and that any man who doesn't love/have desire for his wife at ANY weight she chooses is a shallow man/bad husband.

 

Just like some women believe sex is optional and others think it is marital obligation. Not saying either is right or wrong but it sure is hard to change someones mind about that after marriage.

 

IMO people need to address these topics before marriage.

 

Another aspect of this is, how long between pregnancies of the first and second child? If it was a couple of years between delivery date of the first and the inception date of the second, why wouldn't you have made issue of this before her second pregnancy? If the pregnancies were within a year of each other, good luck for ANYONE, to lose weight between the two.

 

Also, it's even more difficult to lose weight after the second pregnancy.

[FryFish]

40 lbs is obese. If you think its not "that bad" then I suggest you get a 40 lb jacket and just try walking around for an hour.

[SarahRose]

40 lbs is obese. If you think its not "that bad" then I suggest you get a 40 lb jacket and just try walking around for an hour.

 

She isn't 40 lbs overweight. She is 5'6". Look it up in a BMI calculator. She is currently 180 which makes her 26 lbs overweight.

[FryFish]

She isn't 40 lbs overweight. She is 5'6". Look it up in a BMI calculator. She is currently 180 which makes her 26 lbs overweight.

ya... for a muscular dude. Not for a fat chick.

[LucreziaBorgia]

To hang the "you don't love me" in someone's face over something like weight is shameful and shallow.

 

Marriage has to be about honesty, and no man alive truthfully wants to see this happen to his wife. Because he's shallow? No, because when you love a women, you want the best for her in every aspect of her life. Being overweight is not the best thing for her.

 

Anyone that truly loves her would depise seeing her that unhealthy. Only people that hated her would want to see her like that.

 

I agree that pulling the 'you don't love me' card is shameful and shallow, but a lot and I mean A LOT of people feel this way when it comes to stuff like this. It isn't a good or healthy way to think but when someone thinks this way, you have to find ways to work with the person that they will accept. People will not accept a solution that is in direct opposition to how they think deep down.

 

I agree with you about honesty, but if a man is honest and says how he feels to his overweight wife - she isn't going to appreciate the honesty. She will attack the message (and the messenger). We do want the best for our spouses, but what if your spouse feels that what you want is best for the wrong reasons? Its a tricky situation when it comes to body image and sexuality. The most logical and sensible things done even in the most positive way can be taken really, horribly wrong by someone else.

 

I also agree with the last bit as well. But what if the spouse you want the best for and whom you love refuses to do what is best and insists that if you love her you'll accept her as is: in sickness and in health, etc?

 

These situations are so hard. No winners either way unless they both can learn to see things from the other's POV, and that rarely happens.

[sagetalk]

ya... for a muscular dude. Not for a fat chick.

 

Yeah, 5'6 180 is bad news unless you're building muscle. 6'0 180 male is more like it. I'd say 140 would be a good weight for her, ideally 120-140. Very sexy and very healthy. Good combination .

[crazycatlady]

I don't see where the OP said he takes the kids for at least an hour every single day and gives her alone time to work out. He never mentioned when she would have time to work out. Two young kids at home makes it difficult to get to the gym. Not totally out reason, but it is difficult.

 

He also doesn't mention if PPD is a possible factor, I wonder if he even knows how she is feeling or even cares. Nor what type of birth it was each time - a very important factor. If he helps cook and offers to go walking with her in the evenings with the kids if he's not telling her to take an hour every single day to herself.

 

I do not get the sense of a man who truly cares for his wife's well being but instead cares simply about her physical attractiveness for his own selfish pleasure. By not even considering everything else asked by others, true colors shine through.

 

And Lizzie is probably right that hes probably doing her a favor by dropping sex.

[nddb]

Dude,

 

Cut her some slack. It's only been four months! Pregnancy is some serious stuff.

 

It took my wife a year and change before she returned to her pre-pregnancy weight. The second time took a bit longer.

 

Someone said women peers have a great influence and I agree. My wife has a few close friends going way back, and most of them are on the petite side (asians). She doesn't want to be the biggest among her friends when they get together so she is self-disciplined.

 

Which is good because that's not a topic that I would touch with a 10-foot pole with her, no matter what her weight happens to be.

 

Give her time.

[SuburbanOblivion]

Any woman who has ever given birth can tell you the rule of thumb is '9 months to put it on, 9 months to take it off', but really only with the first pregnancy. Subsequent ones always take longer.

 

Anyone else remember what it's like having a 4 month old? My youngest was still up 3+ times a night at that point. If I managed to keep the house relatively in order, feed everyone, and to get a shower for myself, that was one hell of a good day!

 

The fact is you are expecting the most from her when she's probably capable of the least. Offer to watch the kids while she goes to the gym, and be sure you cook dinner and bathe the kids while she is out. It will motivate her to actually do it, and if she's not so exhausted she might actually *want* to have sex with you.

[giotto]

Give me her phone number... I like chubby ladies...