How to approach overweight wife....

[marlena]

I finally said that I love her but I am not attracted to the extra weight. Its not just the weight its the fact that its rolls of fat and cellulite. Needless to say this did not go over well..

 

If I were your wife, I would dump you. No two ways about it. I would see how callous, petty-minded and shallow you are and that would turn me off big time! You do not express any concern over the implications on her health but just focus on your own visual and tactile satisfaction. This is not love. Don't kid yourself.

Edited February 21, 2010 by marlena

[OpenBook]

If my wife said that to me I would think that I made a miserable mistake when I married her. That would be unbearably hurtful and cruel. To hang the "you don't love me" in someone's face over something like weight is shameful and shallow. It borders on a mental disorder. Marriage has to be about honesty, and no man alive truthfully wants to see this happen to his wife. Because he's shallow? No, because when you love a women, you want the best for her in every aspect of her life. Being overweight is not the best thing for her.

 

Does anybody really buy this? I don't. He may care about her health, but that's not why he's complaining. It's really all about the H's desires. He wants her to stay attractive so he can stay excited about having sex with her. It all comes down to him and sex. This is why W's say "You don't love me" and recoil in horror. It's the sudden and sickening realization that in order for men to stay in love with you, you have to remain slim and attractive - i.e., don't you DARE change from your younger years.

 

If I were your wife, I would dump you. No two ways about it. I would see how callous, petty-minded and shallow you are and that would turn me off big time! You do not express any concern over the implications on her health but just focus on your own visual and tactile satisfaction. This is not love. Don't kid yourself.

 

I agree with you Marlena. But unfortunately many (dare I say "most"?) men feel this way. This is one of the main reasons I don't trust them. They should rewrite the marital vows to say "til death do us part... or weight, or whatever I deem as visually stimulating you no longer provide."

[marlena]

But unfortunately many (dare I say "most"?) men feel this way. This is one of the main reasons I don't trust them.

 

Yes, of course, dare to say it because in today's shallow world, it is true. I think I'll remain single until I find a man who knows that passion comes from within and has nothing to do with muscles or firm tits. People who know this make the best lovers!!

 

As for vows, I think they should do away with them once and for all. They've become a parody.

[giotto]

I find this attitude very shallow indeed and I'm a man... we had a similar thread a while ago and most men agreed that the woman needed to keep slim and attractive, because that's what the husband married... not a fat slob... unbelievable!

 

OP doesn't yet know what huge damage he has caused...

[SuburbanOblivion]

we had a similar thread a while ago and most men agreed that the woman needed to keep slim and attractive, because that's what the husband married... not a fat slob... unbelievable!

 

 

Actually to some degree I agree with it. The spouse of *either* sex who puts on a ton of weight, making them very visually different from what their spouse initially 'signed on for' is being rather unfair in expecting the mate still find them exactly as visually attractive as they did previously.

 

That said circumstance plays a huge part such as one who gains weight from pregnancy vs one who just doesn't care about keeping themselves up anymore.

[giotto]

That said circumstance plays a huge part such as one who gains weight from pregnancy vs one who just doesn't care about keeping themselves up anymore.

 

The OP in the other thread claimed feet surgery as one of the reasons she put some weight on... we are not talking about being obese, here, but chubbier... weight is a very delicate problem... by telling your SO that you are actually repulsed by them you will exacerbate the problem... most men don't use their brain before they open their mouth and think with their dicks... lol

[TinyLee222]

If I were your wife, I would dump you. No two ways about it. I would see how callous, petty-minded and shallow you are and that would turn me off big time! You do not express any concern over the implications on her health but just focus on your own visual and tactile satisfaction. This is not love. Don't kid yourself.

 

Agreed! Four freakin months and her second child. If she is nursing

the hunger and weight just hangs on for many women. Give her

a chance. Four months postpartum is not a long time.. If she was fit before she knows how to get back to that weight. Along with the fluctuating hormones, sleep deprivation, and general tiredness being told that "you don't turn me on anymore" after just giving birth by the one person who should be honoring and loving her is just plain hurtful and

selfish. You say you are fit and trim? I'd really like to see what you

look like. Are you handsome? Do you have your hair? How big is

your---k? I hope you never hear that since you lost your hair she isn't

turned on by you anymore! Good luck with this.

[BentSpine]

RobinLeftPencil, sounds like you're in hell on earth.

 

Your situation is the very reason I won't take any marriage vows. Because I'm all too aware that if my woman gets a spare wheel and won't loose it, I'm out of there. I wish it wasn't so but unfortunately I'm turned off by a thick waist.

 

Yes, women have to avoid obesity for most men to love them not unlike men have to continue buying cards and flowers and arrange dates. It's easy for man and woman alike to devalue a need that they don't have themselves.

 

Couples should indeed resemble the way they looked when they married, writes Willard Harley in his classic "His Needs, Her Needs". I recommend you read it to understand your own feelings and feel good about them.

 

Wish you well.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

and you are worried about sex!!!! I read the title and thought there would be a good springboard for a fair discussion (remember the 500+ post on the same topic started by a woman a few months back???)....

 

But what I read is a selfish jerk, just worried about his aesthetic view of beauty. After 4 months if you are having sex again you should consider yourself very luck to start with.... As for her weight gain it is somewhat excessive , but how you are talking about it and view it is ugly.

 

Will she ever lose the weight???? I don't know, but whereas I often would agree with a person having an issue with this topic, your aggressive, nasty post has me hoping your spouse tells you to go jump in a lake.....

[sagetalk]

Yes, of course, dare to say it because in today's shallow world, it is true. I think I'll remain single until I find a man who knows that passion comes from within and has nothing to do with muscles or firm tits. People who know this make the best lovers!!

 

As for vows, I think they should do away with them once and for all. They've become a parody.

 

Wanting your partner to be attractive and healthy is perfectly normal, and in no way unreasonable. The only thing unreasonable in his post is his attitude and the time frame.

 

I have news for you, women judge men based on their bodies as well.

 

As for the vows, I certainly hope that never happens. It would turn civilization into a hell hole were people just have sex with each other until they get bored and move on (even worse then it is now).

[marlena]

It would turn civilization into a hell hole were people just have sex with each other until they get bored and move on (even worse then it is now).

 

 

Well, I have news for you. Taking vows (just a bunch of words really) isn't going to stop this from happening.

 

Besides, what's wrong with having sex with each other until one or both get bored and want out? If you ask me, a couple should be asked every five years if they want to renew their contract, for that's what marraige really is. If both agree, fine, no problem. If one wants out of the constraints of the partnership, a divorce should automatically be issued. JMO.

[sagetalk]

 

1. You guys do know most of the charts that are used are based on stats from the 1940s right? According to those charts, I should way 116, I am obese at 130. I am a size six, toned and 45.

 

2. Hormones(which are never taken into account with those charts)play a huge role in weight for women. So does stress. New baby=stress and possible. Additional children=stress. 4 months past birth=stress.

 

3. What do the women in her family look like? What's her body type (apple, pear shape)? Take into account everything before you decide she just doesn't care about how you feel or how she looks...it's always more complicated than that.

 

1. No matter what chart you use, 5'6 and 180lb means time to hit the gym and switch to a healthy diet. That weight is not even in the ball park.

 

2. I know women who are stress bombs (it's stressful saying hello to them sometimes) and they are skinny as a rail. Excuses are worthless, exercise and clean healthy food will trim you up no matter what excuse is used.

 

3. Blah, blah, it does not matter. Real exercise (not just a stupid treadmill or bike) and a clean diet (veggies, whole foods, fruits, lean meat) will slim anyone up.

[marlena]

3. Blah, blah, it does not matter. Real exercise (not just a stupid treadmill or bike) and a clean diet (veggies, whole foods, fruits, lean meat) will slim anyone up.

 

Sage, have you had babies? Been under psychological duress? Gone through a hormonal imbalance? Menopause?

[sagetalk]

 

1. Well, I have news for you. Taking vows (just a bunch of words really) isn't going to stop this from happening.

 

2. Besides, what's wrong with having sex with each other until one or both get bored and want out? If you ask me, a couple should be asked every five years if they want to renew their contract, for that's what marraige really is. If both agree, fine, no problem. If one wants out of the constraints of the partnership, a divorce should automatically be issued. JMO.

 

1. Vows are not just words, they are sacred oaths that mean a great deal. It is very immature to write what you did.

 

2. If that is your attitude, then I hope you never have children and put them through that kind of hell. You have a terrible (somewhat frighting) attitude towards marriage.

[sagetalk]

Sage, have you had babies? Been under psychological duress? Gone through a hormonal imbalance? Menopause?

 

Excuses, excuses, excuses . Just because I'm not a women does not mean that I cannot point out lame excuses.

 

Now if a women is eating clean and exercising ,and she still can't lose e weight (seriously doubt it), then it's not an excuse and I will believe it. Until that, it's just a lame excuse.

[marlena]

1. Vows are not just words, they are sacred oaths that mean a great deal. It is very immature to write what you did.

 

I don't believe there is anything sacred about marriage. It is a legal transaction.

 

2. If that is your attitude, then I hope you never have children and put them through that kind of hell. You have a terrible (somewhat frighting) attitude towards marriage.

 

Funny! I was thinking the exact same thing about your attitude towards marriage. How frightening to be with a man who thinks of marriage as a life sentence because of some words uttered years before! Terrifying, indeed!

[marlena]

Excuses, excuses, excuses . Just because I'm not a women does not mean that I cannot point out lame excuses.

 

 

I thought so...

 

Oh, and if you so believe the "in sickness and in health, 'til death do us part" part, does that mean you will stay with your wife even if she gains 100 pounds?

 

Maybe they should add an obesity clause, lol!!

Edited February 21, 2010 by marlena

[Lizzie60]

1. Vows are not just words, they are sacred oaths that mean a great deal. It is very immature to write what you did.

 

I don't believe there is anything sacred about marriage. It is a legal transaction.

 

 

 

Funny! I was thinking the exact same thing about your attitude towards marriage. How frightening to be with a man who thinks of marriage as a life sentence because of some words uttered years before! Terrifying, indeed!

 

I totally agree with your last posts.. especially with the bold part.. I agree that, most of the time, these words are uttered when the partners are in total infatuation, romanticize the marriage (wedding, white dress, rings)... and sometimes without having even lived together.. so they have absolutely NOOOOO idea how the other person is in reality.. cause dating is NOT reality.. everyone is under their best behaviour..

[sagetalk]

Funny! I was thinking the exact same thing about your attitude towards marriage. How frightening to be with a man who thinks of marriage as a life sentence because of some words uttered years before! Terrifying, indeed!

 

Unbelievable .

[RobinLeftPencil]

I think what OP said that she stopped exercising altogether. I don't know but this is not men vs women issues, this is about whether the other person putting the effort or not.

 

I am fairly sure that if the wife still exercises, then this post will not be made. Quite frankly, at one point, my husband was 225 lbs (he's 5'11), he looked very chubby and he was just recovering from achilles ruptures surgery. I have zero problem with this because I know he's bothered by this and his achiles was ruptured because he was too fat and put too much burden on his achiles/heels and hence, he can't play as effective in his basketball court.

 

But he exercises right away after he came off the cast and he watched what he ate. It took him 1 year to be where he is. I think "not trying" is the issue here, which is, I believe, what OP indicated that his wife stop taking an active approach (aka exercises) to get healthy & fit.

 

Cupa thank you you are dead on. Its not the end results...its TRYING. Making an effort.

Id like to apologize to admin for whoever found my last post offensive...I am not trying to offend, only stimulate conversation.

As the person who started this topic I will comment where I can.

 

1) why didnt I tell my wife it mattered when she was 25 lbs overweight BEFORE pregnancy ?

I did...albeit rather gently. She has ran a half marathon a few months prior so I didnt want to ride her too much because I thought she would just get back into it. Pluse she is in her mid to late 30's...clock is ticking. We wanted a baby...what was I supposed to say..your too fat we cant have another baby ?

 

2) If she wants to exercise I have no issue taking over kid duty...and I enjoy it.

 

3) I am not looking for her to be a waif...I LIKE women with curves. At 20 lbs past her ideal medical weight(140) she is curvy and sexy(to me). At 180lbs shes fat and sloppy.

 

4) Someone mentioned that this isnt about health..I want her to just look good FOR ME. I want her to be healthy AND to look good for me and FOR HER. She HATES being this weight, she wont go to the beach like this or play any sports with our kids, wont go in the pool, wont feel comfortable naked in her own home(or even in bra and panties) and this was BEFORE I mentioned a word. When I confront her about her weight she will say something like---"I weigh this much and if you cant accept me you dont love me....god accepts me and thats all that matters" and things like..."I dont have a problem with me...YOU have a problem with me." And yet...her behavior ssays that is a flat out lie. Like MANY people who are overweight---men and women--they will say they are happy with their weight when confronted about it but deep down they are in a personal hell and it tortures them. How many people do ALL of you know that said they are comfortable with their weight and then go and lose a bunch of weight and say how secretly unhappy they were for soooo long ?

 

5) I have worked out with her in the past---we have gone running---did P90x together(for those who are familiar), we eat very healthy.

I have offered to do any workout program she wants...WITH HER. Any and ALL attempts to coerce her to exercise are met with resistance and ultimately she wil say something like..."listen I dont have time to work out all the time because you dont like my fat ass"

 

6) If you think I have not approached this gently..I have...and maybe my timing is bad but I know how to get in shape...and I KNOW it can be done.

 

Right now we are living like roommates...and it SUCKS. I want my life/wife back...I want her to make an effort. Lack of EFFORT is a HUGE turn off for me and I cant get past it.

[RobinLeftPencil]

OP have you ever seen a naked woman who has given birth to a few children? I think you might have some unrealistic expectations provided to you by the media and airbrushed photos of celebrities and pornography.

 

Not everyone has the capability to bounce back and look like a bone thin super model after child birth. It stretches things beyond breaking point and things can stay flabby and stretched out no matter how much weight is lost.

 

Women are meant to have fat on their hips and breasts in order to stay alive to bear and raise children. The bone thin fad is not natural nor how people are supposed to be. Women were meant to have round bellies for child bearing.

 

Of course it is easy for you to stay fit. You are male. You have a higher metabolism and more muscle mass. Women are flighting against nature to get to the ridiculously low weights.

 

Does she have the luxury to go to the gym whenever she wants to? Do you volunteer to take the kids so she can go? I doubt it.

 

But clearly you have been brainwashed by airbrushed images of perfect women so go ahead and file for a divorce. Don't stay another day making your wife feel like rubbish just because she is 26 pounds overweight 4 months after having a baby.

Lovely name by the way. I have heard this argument from many overweight women. You convince yourself that men are only interested in waify thin models and knowing you can never achieve that(just as I cant achieve the build of Arnold Schwartzenegger in his prime) you do NOTHING.

For me at least...its not accurate. I didnt marry a waif and I dont want one. This is about effort....make an effort and results will follow.

And I can tell you there are MANY women who after they have kids (one or more) look hot. NAKED. Its not just famous people with personal trainers. Are they as hot as a model 20 year old ? No...thats unrealistic. But they are certainly attractive--at least to me. As I stated earlier..I LIKE curvy women with softness to them. I DONT like fat and sloppy. My wife can achieve curvy---she doesnt have to be fat and sloppy.

[marlena]

OP,

 

Here's what I suggest you do. Make love to her as if she were the sexiest woman in the world. Do it over and over again and do it well. Build up her confidence. Make her feel desirable. In no time flat, I guarantee you that she will want to lose the weight herself, will want to look great for you because of the way you are loving her.

 

Sex and love are the two best incentives to jump start a diet.

[elaina]

Does she have female friends who encourage her to work out? That really helps... I have friends who I go work out with, and I want to work out becuase I like having a nice figure...

 

Does she have her own desire to take care of herself, and friends to support her? That would help her so much better than feeling terrible that her husband no longer is attracted to her... that would only make her self esteem lower I think.

 

Before ya'll got married, did she hit the gym and eat right? If so, what caused her to no longer want to be fit? Maybe she is depressed or feels stressed or something?

 

I feel sorry for her and for you... I feel I understand both sides.

 

I hope she gets the desire to work out and eat healthy for herself, for her own wellbeing, soon, and that she has good female friends to support her... i think that's what she needs: self motivation and female support.

 

And yeah, Marlena has great advise too... show her you love her... love and sex are great motivators to look beautiful!!!

Edited February 21, 2010 by elaina

[RobinLeftPencil]

You guys do know most of the charts that are used are based on stats from the 1940s right? According to those charts, I should way 116, I am obese at 130. I am a size six, toned and 45. Hormones(which are never taken into account with those charts)play a huge role in weight for women. So does stress. New baby=stress and possible. Additional children=stress. 4 months past birth=stress. Aging and hormonal changes all contribute to the difficulty in losing weight. There is no exact science for all people. There is a baseline to weight lose, but there are so many contributing individual factors that it isn't something that can happen over night.

 

I think you did the right thing by voicing your concerns, but yes that adds to her stress. Is there something within you that allows you to look at your wife with love and not make love to her out of "just loving her" instead of relying on the physical. Could you make love to her if you suddenly went blind(yes, this is an extreme exaggeration)and couldn't rely on your vision to become aroused. The love you have for your wife should make you want her on it's on.

 

Do some research, find out the additional difficulties that women face in weight lose, especially in a short amount of time. Having less muscle content than men also makes it harder. Our bodies are equipped with more fat cells to help us in sustaining a pregnancy and breast feeding(by the way would help in weight lose if she is doing that). What do the women in her family look like? What's her body type (apple, pear shape)? Take into account everything before you decide she just doesn't care about how you feel or how she looks...it's always more complicated than that.

Her friends and family all outweight her by 20-150 lbs. She is the thinnest person amongst her peers...I am sure they are loving me when she uses them as a sounding board And by the way they are ALL MISERABLE about their weight and have been for DECADES. I hear the stories and when my wife has been fit she has shared them...now she is becoming one of them so you can bet she has PLENTY of support.

[Star Gazer]

Jenny McCarthy tipped the scales at 211 when she was pregnant. She left the hospital still over 200. It took her a LONG time to lose the weight, but because she had SUPPORT and LOVE, she was able to do so.

 

I hope your wife turns into hottie Jenny McCarthy and finds a man who actually loves her.