Author RobinLeftPencil Posted February 22, 2010 Author Share Posted February 22, 2010 This is interesting wording. You should never be *coercing* someone like this - you need to persuade, in a positive and loving way. Semantics. My approach could more aptly be describes as "Gently persuading" I think the reality is being she is more of a Kim Kardashian pre working out type body(a shape I love) , weight is a sensitive topic...and I dont think there is any way to approach it with her. I did the best I could...time will tell if it was a good idea. I know I feel better having discussed it, beats the hell out of avoiding the topic. Link to post Share on other sites
PandorasBox Posted February 23, 2010 Share Posted February 23, 2010 I guess I'm pretty blessed. I usually have motivation to keep weight off, and its not so much about the weight being off as it being healthy. However, looking back, anytime that I have ever really put weight on, it was due to things not going well in my life. Depressed about things or something was really bothering me. There went that drive and/or motivation to get the weight off. Of course losing baby weight only four months after having a baby is a little different. But my guess is, its a deeper issue that she must not be willing to share or express. Link to post Share on other sites
WalkInThePark Posted February 23, 2010 Share Posted February 23, 2010 Leave no doubts in her mind as to how much you enjoy making love to her, how you enjoy ALL of her specialness, her warmth, the wonderful feeling of HER. THIS IS IMPORTANT !!! I'm sorry but to me that sounds like you have to lie. If you are not attracted to someone because they are overweight, I think you have every right to tell them that you are no longer attracted. After all, they see themselves in the mirror so they know they are overweight. Your souls connect at this level, and she gains the strength and the desire to beat this thing for the guy she loves at that special moment. It is very powerful. But she is weary and frustrated EVERY day with all the little, small failures. She needs to draw on the strength she can only get from the love you two share to beat it. She needs to have a reason to WANT to beat this thing. At this VERY SPECIAL MOMENT, your sincere reactions will help power her resolve. She is an adult not a child so she has to take reponsibility for her weight. A husband is not a doctor or a therapist. She should find the strenght in the fact that she used to be slimmer. Those kilos were not added in one day... They are added because someone is out of touch with her own body. I think each partner in a couple has to make sure that he/she remains attractive for the other. If one has to help the other to stop drinking, doing drugs, losing weight, etc... you are not in an equal relationship; one is too dependent on the other. I think it is dangerous when someone changes bad behaviour because of their partner. I once read that if a person stops drinking for another person, that other person might at some point become the reason to start drinking again... It has to be done because the person with the bad habit wants it, for him/herself. Link to post Share on other sites
WalkInThePark Posted February 23, 2010 Share Posted February 23, 2010 In reaction to the opening post, I have to say that I think that 4 months after giving birth might be a bit too fast to expect her to lose weight. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 23, 2010 Share Posted February 23, 2010 I'm not sure that he wants her to have lost all of her weight in four months, as much as he would like to see her make at least some sort of effort to work at it. From his posts, she refuses to work out or even lightly exercise/walk and snacks on unhealthy stuff. Four months is too short of a time to lose more than thirty or so pounds, but it is not too short of a time to eat healthier and be active on some level. I can understand his frustration, given that her answer to it all is: I'm fat, get over it. You can't fake attraction. You can't create attraction where none exists. He was never attracted to fat rolls and cellulite, and never will be. His wife knows this, and refuses to even consider his feelings in the matter. Attraction is important. Without it, you become roommates with a marriage license. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RobinLeftPencil Posted March 13, 2010 Author Share Posted March 13, 2010 little update for you folks. I started doing some easy workouts with wife and she is making much more of an effort to work out on her own too...we did fight about it a lot, she still isnt accepting of me calling her out for not making an effort (truth hurts but after over a year of virtually no exercise I couldnt take it anymore) but she is trying and I think its beneficial to both of us as a result. Good luck to any guys or girls who go thru this...its very hard to tell someone you love tactfully that they are letting themselves go. Link to post Share on other sites
Barky Posted March 13, 2010 Share Posted March 13, 2010 I was going to suggest you start working out and getting yourself into shape. Once she sees how buff you're looking it'll make her want to do it herself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RobinLeftPencil Posted March 13, 2010 Author Share Posted March 13, 2010 I was going to suggest you start working out and getting yourself into shape. Once she sees how buff you're looking it'll make her want to do it herself.Ive remained in good shape our entire relationship...sometimes spectacular shape but always good. Working out is what keeps me sane Link to post Share on other sites
reddog63 Posted March 13, 2010 Share Posted March 13, 2010 Hi guys. First time post here. I've read thru some posts here and I am ready to post my issue. I am married over 10 years, in my late 30's with 2 kids. Since the birth of our second child (over 4 months ago) my wife has put on a lot of weight and has completely stopped exercising. Shes 5'6"" about 180....her "good" weight is about 140. The extra 40 lbs is nothing but flab in some pretty unappealing spots to say the least. I have mentioned to her I would work out with her, give her time to work out whatever...I have tip-toed around it for over a year(as she went from 135 to 150 to 180 to over 200 when she was pregnant). I understand weight gain during pregnancy ----but at some point it should come off. She was over 200 during pregnancy and before that was a good 20-25 lbs over her normal weight. Ive never said anything till now...after repeated attempts to get her to work out (which she has done in the past successfully) I finally said that I love her but I am not attracted to the extra weight. Its not just the weight its the fact that its rolls of fat and cellulite. Needless to say this did not go over well...she has basically been hysterically upset over this and everytime it comes up we dont talk for days and days. I have always dated thinn-ish attractive women and I would have never even dated her if she looked like this---about me...I am very fit and muscular. I workout 4-5 times a week. I like a women to be curvy...but not fat--so I am not looking for my wife to be Kate Moss...I would be more than happy with J-LO type body which is what she was before. She hates the weight too but is in denial...I know summers coming and she wont even get in a bikini because she knows she looks terrible. This has caused sever damage to our relationship as we have no sex now...at all and we bicker over everything else as a result of not sharing that intimacy which before all of this weight gain was pretty damn good. So what do you guys think ? I do NOT want to divorce...I love my kids and respect my wife as a mother and homemaker...but I am not turned on by overweight women and I never will be. Have a few comments. I do agree with some that 4 months seems to quick to expect her to loose the wieght. With that said, it is most likely she will never loose much of the weight. I have know a very few women that held it important to get back in shape.......I would guess 90 or more percent do not ever really lose the weight. Sucks for the guys.......and I do understand that loosing weight is a tuff battle............so I am not pointing fingers per say, it is just the facts. Ladies......you can get mad as you want against guys for expecting this......but this is how we are made. Yes, we do not need to be insensitive.......but attractiveness is a need for us and unfortunately many draw the short straw when it comes to wifes staying in shape, especially after kids. And there really isnt anything the man can do.......no amount of asking helps........she either has "want" to be back in shape or she doesnt......... Link to post Share on other sites
ADF Posted March 13, 2010 Share Posted March 13, 2010 Grow the @#$% up. Not everyone is into working out. I am sure she knows how you feel by now. If have a wife who meet your exacting physical standards is so important to you--and it sounds like it is--rethink your marriage. Heck, rethink marriage, maybe you need to be sugar daddy to some hot little 20-something. Jees. Link to post Share on other sites
Barky Posted March 13, 2010 Share Posted March 13, 2010 Yeah, marriage is like buying a house that loses value each year. If annoying neighbors move in next door it's pretty damn hard to sell without losing a whole lot of cash. You either deal with it or take the loss and move out. If your wife/husband goes to pot it's pretty hard to get out without losing a lot of cash. You either deal with it or take the loss and move out. Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyLeigh Posted March 13, 2010 Share Posted March 13, 2010 What if your wife became disabled or disfigured from disease or an accident? What if she were hurt so that she could not work out as much as you like? Would you cheat on her or leave her then? Just curious. Link to post Share on other sites
PandorasBox Posted March 13, 2010 Share Posted March 13, 2010 Ive remained in good shape our entire relationship...sometimes spectacular shape but always good. Working out is what keeps me sane Working out is great! However, since you've been in spectacular shape from all your working out, hopefully she will get to that point as well so you can be proud. That is unless she finds someone else that accepts her for who she is, who knows, maybe thats part of the reason for why she hasn't been working out. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr White Posted March 13, 2010 Share Posted March 13, 2010 The normal weight gain associated with a pregnancy is about 30-40 lbs. Any more than that, the woman is just getting fat beyond the pregnancy. (the whole "I'm eating for 2" crap is beyond ridiculous because people take it literally ) If we assume worst case scenario (40 lbs), and also understand that is probably not healthy to lose more than a pound a week (or it won't really last faster than that), this means that the weight should come off within 1 year. (which also means leaving 3 months of doing nothing about it, in the stressful period immediately after birth. So, I'd say don't expect dramatic improvement in less than a year, but at the same time, if the hasn't started to noticeably, and tangibly lose the weight within that year you've got a major problem on your hands... Link to post Share on other sites
Mr White Posted March 13, 2010 Share Posted March 13, 2010 What if your wife became disabled or disfigured from disease or an accident? What if she were hurt so that she could not work out as much as you like? Would you cheat on her or leave her then? Just curious. This is one of the most manipulative arguments thrown out there . Getting into an accident is outside of a person's control. Getting fat is completely under a person's control. Huge difference. Enough with the emotional blackmail. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr White Posted March 13, 2010 Share Posted March 13, 2010 Have a few comments. I do agree with some that 4 months seems to quick to expect her to loose the wieght. With that said, it is most likely she will never loose much of the weight. I have know a very few women that held it important to get back in shape.......I would guess 90 or more percent do not ever really lose the weight. Sucks for the guys.......and I do understand that loosing weight is a tuff battle............so I am not pointing fingers per say, it is just the facts. Ladies......you can get mad as you want against guys for expecting this......but this is how we are made. Yes, we do not need to be insensitive.......but attractiveness is a need for us and unfortunately many draw the short straw when it comes to wifes staying in shape, especially after kids. And there really isnt anything the man can do.......no amount of asking helps........she either has "want" to be back in shape or she doesnt......... "Turf battle" is right. Men should be willing to divorce over fat, because refusing to lose the weight is just a passive aggressive way of saying "I don't care about you anymore", which in my book is the ultimate reason to leave a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmasMuse Posted March 13, 2010 Share Posted March 13, 2010 little update for you folks. I started doing some easy workouts with wife and she is making much more of an effort to work out on her own too...we did fight about it a lot, she still isnt accepting of me calling her out for not making an effort (truth hurts but after over a year of virtually no exercise I couldnt take it anymore) but she is trying and I think its beneficial to both of us as a result. Good luck to any guys or girls who go thru this...its very hard to tell someone you love tactfully that they are letting themselves go. Its good to hear that she is making an effort at least. I hope she knows to do this for herself first off, and not because you have told her too. You think you got issues now, if she is doing it because you told her to, and its not what she really wants for herself, the resentments will kick in and it will get worse. Hopefully she is doing this for the right reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
theycallmeprincess Posted March 13, 2010 Share Posted March 13, 2010 Have a few comments. I do agree with some that 4 months seems to quick to expect her to loose the wieght. With that said, it is most likely she will never loose much of the weight. I have know a very few women that held it important to get back in shape.......I would guess 90 or more percent do not ever really lose the weight. Sucks for the guys.......and I do understand that loosing weight is a tuff battle............so I am not pointing fingers per say, it is just the facts. Ladies......you can get mad as you want against guys for expecting this......but this is how we are made. Yes, we do not need to be insensitive.......but attractiveness is a need for us and unfortunately many draw the short straw when it comes to wifes staying in shape, especially after kids. And there really isnt anything the man can do.......no amount of asking helps........she either has "want" to be back in shape or she doesnt......... You don't loose weight, you lose weight!!!! :( Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyLeigh Posted March 13, 2010 Share Posted March 13, 2010 This is one of the most manipulative arguments thrown out there . Getting into an accident is outside of a person's control. Getting fat is completely under a person's control. Huge difference. Enough with the emotional blackmail. Yes, there is a difference. However, if men are only attracted to physical attributes, then wouldn't a disfigured wife be something that they would be repulsed by as well? Link to post Share on other sites
spriggig Posted March 14, 2010 Share Posted March 14, 2010 Been through this myself. I'll confirm that THIS is the answer. In fact just read this, skip everything else and go talk to your wife NOW. DO IT NOW: OP, Here's what I suggest you do. Make love to her as if she were the sexiest woman in the world. Do it over and over again and do it well. Build up her confidence. Make her feel desirable. In no time flat, I guarantee you that she will want to lose the weight herself, will want to look great for you because of the way you are loving her. Sex and love are the two best incentives to jump start a diet. TELL HER and be SPECIFIC: It's not "You look nice." It's "You look so pretty in pink, it makes your skin glow. Wow!" It's not "I love sex." It's "You are so sexy, you really turn me on." or It's "Holding you in my arms is the closest thing to heaven, I feel so complete." Link to post Share on other sites
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