How to approach overweight wife....

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Cupa thank you you are dead on. Its not the end results...its TRYING. Making an effort.

Id like to apologize to admin for whoever found my last post offensive...I am not trying to offend, only stimulate conversation.

As the person who started this topic I will comment where I can.

 

1) why didnt I tell my wife it mattered when she was 25 lbs overweight BEFORE pregnancy ?

I did...albeit rather gently. She has ran a half marathon a few months prior so I didnt want to ride her too much because I thought she would just get back into it. Pluse she is in her mid to late 30's...clock is ticking. We wanted a baby...what was I supposed to say..your too fat we cant have another baby ?

 

2) If she wants to exercise I have no issue taking over kid duty...and I enjoy it.

 

3) I am not looking for her to be a waif...I LIKE women with curves. At 20 lbs past her ideal medical weight(140) she is curvy and sexy(to me). At 180lbs shes fat and sloppy.

 

4) Someone mentioned that this isnt about health..I want her to just look good FOR ME. I want her to be healthy AND to look good for me and FOR HER. She HATES being this weight, she wont go to the beach like this or play any sports with our kids, wont go in the pool, wont feel comfortable naked in her own home(or even in bra and panties) and this was BEFORE I mentioned a word. When I confront her about her weight she will say something like---"I weigh this much and if you cant accept me you dont love me....god accepts me and thats all that matters" and things like..."I dont have a problem with me...YOU have a problem with me." And yet...her behavior ssays that is a flat out lie. Like MANY people who are overweight---men and women--they will say they are happy with their weight when confronted about it but deep down they are in a personal hell and it tortures them. How many people do ALL of you know that said they are comfortable with their weight and then go and lose a bunch of weight and say how secretly unhappy they were for soooo long ?

 

5) I have worked out with her in the past---we have gone running---did P90x together(for those who are familiar), we eat very healthy.

I have offered to do any workout program she wants...WITH HER. Any and ALL attempts to coerce her to exercise are met with resistance and ultimately she wil say something like..."listen I dont have time to work out all the time because you dont like my fat ass"

 

6) If you think I have not approached this gently..I have...and maybe my timing is bad but I know how to get in shape...and I KNOW it can be done.

 

Right now we are living like roommates...and it SUCKS. I want my life/wife back...I want her to make an effort. Lack of EFFORT is a HUGE turn off for me and I cant get past it.

 

When you open your mouth or write something......

 

You are coming across as an uncaring oaf/ogre whether you have a point or not.....

[fennel6]

I'd try what Mem did...toss the kids in a stroller and head out for a good walk with her every night. It's a great way to lose weight!

[marlena]

Like I said, make love to her..again and again and again. Do it with fire and passion. Make her feel loved. Seriously, has it ever ocurred to you that she feels dejected and rejected by you at a very difficult time in her life? That perhaps this is doing a bad number on her self image? That she needs encouragement, support and good old-fashioned loving to boost her confidence?

 

Who did you marry? A mere body? Or a real live person?

[lkjh]

Dude you came to the wrong place for this advice, these boards are filled with women who never look at it from the other side. They are going to go after you for simply saying that you want your wife to lose a little weight yet they demand their H to do everything for them and see nothing wrong with that.

 

 

Ask her if she wants to run a family 5k and train as a family

[RobinLeftPencil]

OP,

 

Here's what I suggest you do. Make love to her as if she were the sexiest woman in the world. Do it over and over again and do it well. Build up her confidence. Make her feel desirable. In no time flat, I guarantee you that she will want to lose the weight herself, will want to look great for you because of the way you are loving her.

 

Sex and love are the two best incentives to jump start a diet.

 

I like your advice Marlena...I am going to take it...and I have already done this a few times--as things get rolling you do tend to care less and less about anything physical. I do understand where you are coming from.

[threebyfate]

I agree with the points below. He needed to address this way earlier. I also believe that he should be her partner about this - he should eat healthy with her and exercise with her.

 

Men and women come with certain strongly held beliefs and preferences. Some women believe staying fit is part of their responsibility in staying attractive. I am not going to argue the right or wrong of this. Just saying some feel strongly they are obligated to stay fit and others feel just as strongly their husbands have no say in their weight and that any man who doesn't love/have desire for his wife at ANY weight she chooses is a shallow man/bad husband.

 

Just like some women believe sex is optional and others think it is marital obligation. Not saying either is right or wrong but it sure is hard to change someones mind about that after marriage.

 

IMO people need to address these topics before marriage.

mem, surprisingly, I agree with what you're saying but it's the reasonability of the timeline that I have serious difficulty with, since it's only been 4 months. There's no way a woman can lose 40 - 65 lbs, in 4 months, in any kind of healthy and effectively lasting way.

 

In order to lose a pound a week, more than likely she'll have to cut anywhere between 500 - 1000 calories a day. If you walk for 1/2 hour, you're only going to burn 100 calories.

 

She was obviously at least 25 to 40 lbs overweight, if you review the "varying" increments of weight in his first post (which is what she's at now at 180 lbs) over what he considered a "good" weight, prior to the second pregnancy and yet he claims in his opening post that she exercised "successfully" after the first pregnancy.

 

I get the feeling that much of this has nothing to do with weight.

[CarrieT]

 

I get the feeling that much of this has nothing to do with weight.

 

Probably the most clear-headed statement yet voiced in this thread. There's a lot more going on in this relationship than a new mother's baby weight.

[marlena]

Probably the most clear-headed statement yet voiced in this thread. There's a lot more going on in this relationship than a new mother's baby weight.

 

....hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!! You girls may be right.

[RobinLeftPencil]

Agreed! Four freakin months and her second child. If she is nursing

the hunger and weight just hangs on for many women. Give her

a chance. Four months postpartum is not a long time.. If she was fit before she knows how to get back to that weight. Along with the fluctuating hormones, sleep deprivation, and general tiredness being told that "you don't turn me on anymore" after just giving birth by the one person who should be honoring and loving her is just plain hurtful and

selfish. You say you are fit and trim? I'd really like to see what you

look like. Are you handsome? Do you have your hair? How big is

your---k? I hope you never hear that since you lost your hair she isn't

turned on by you anymore! Good luck with this.

I've been told I am handsome many times but I am certainly no Brad Pitt.

My hair is close cropped marine style...when it grows out its definitely receeding like every other 35-40ish guy.

I have never had any complaints about my private area.

I have worn my hair super short for as long as I have been able to buzz it down. My wife loves it...she likes the feel of it and she doesnt like it when I grow it out. She has said it makes me look older than I am and I agree--so I keep it really close.

Some women--I can assure you, not all--may not dig the look. I married one that did and I look very similar to when we were married.

Getting that out of the way---since when does losing ones hair--which is a genetic thing that you can do nothing about have anything to do with the CHOICE of overeating and not exercising ?

[elaina]

Like I said, make love to her..again and again and again. Do it with fire and passion. Make her feel loved. Seriously, has it ever ocurred to you that she feels dejected and rejected by you at a very difficult time in her life? That perhaps this is doing a bad number on her self image? That she needs encouragement, support and good old-fashioned loving to boost her confidence?

 

Who did you marry? A mere body? Or a real live person?

 

True.

 

My Mom decided last June to lose weight for herself, and she said (I Just asked her right now) that Dad always made her feel loved and beautiful even when she was so heavy. She's lost 46 lbs since last June and looks so gorgeous!!! I am so proud of her. :)

 

She had started gaining weight after her 3rd child, and it was hard for her to lose it... men do have it so much easier in that regard!

 

Concerning this lady's family, it does make sense that it is hard for her to lose weight when her family doesn't seem to consider being fit to be a priority.

 

I like watching the Biggest Loser, because it shows how so many people get caught in the trap of being miserable being overweight, and it is so hard and painful for them to do anything about it... Jilllian and the other guy have to really push them to work out, and it is a lot of pain. It's so much better to never get to that point.

 

I've never been overweight, but I've been encouraged by my family, including my Mom, to work out and eat healthy so I don't experience the same genetic tendencies if I just let myself go...

 

Hopefully this man's wife will decide to do something about her weight for herself, and hopefully he will take Marlena's advice to love her and to make her feel beautiful. Many times when people feel beautiful, they work to make themselves more beautiful.

[cuppa]

5) I have worked out with her in the past---we have gone running---did P90x together(for those who are familiar), we eat very healthy.

I have offered to do any workout program she wants...WITH HER. Any and ALL attempts to coerce her to exercise are met with resistance and ultimately she wil say something like..."listen I dont have time to work out all the time because you dont like my fat ass"

 

.

 

I just met a couple last night for dinner. The wife is also 4 months after giving birth and she's about 10 lbs over her normal weight (she looks great though).

 

She used to be very active but she hasn't done anything for 4 months because life is so hectic and she just finally regains some of her energy level. She asked about the crossfit program that I am doing right now but I told her that I will give her my Jillian's video for a starter (20 Mins level 1). If she feels up to it and can go to level 3, then we do crossfit together, and she seems to perk up and look forward to it. (See, woman can get away doing this to another woman lol).

 

P90X is quite taxing to the body (same with preparing for marathon). I think your wife priority changes because of the kids and also, she might feel low energy level right now because her body changes and age too.

 

I think at this moment, patience is a virtue. Keep trying and apply compassions. In the mean time, do a lot of less taxing, yet still effective exercises together to get herself back into it as some suggested here such as walking half an hour a day (with stroller).

 

Good luck!

[Star Gazer]

Have you forgotten that her weight is not 100% the result of her choices regarding diet and exercise? And that a substantial part of her weight gain is from birthing YOUR CHILDREN?

[threebyfate]

Probably the most clear-headed statement yet voiced in this thread. There's a lot more going on in this relationship than a new mother's baby weight.

There's a strong sense of entitlement and a lack of personal responsibility. It's no wonder she's chosen the passive-aggressive route.

[cuppa]

I just met a couple last night for dinner. The wife is also 4 months after giving birth and she's about 10 lbs over her normal weight (she looks great though).

 

She used to be very active but she hasn't done anything for 4 months because life is so hectic and she just finally regains some of her energy level. She asked about the crossfit program that I am doing right now but I told her that I will give her my Jillian's video for a starter (20 Mins level 1). If she feels up to it and can go to level 3, then we do crossfit together, and she seems to perk up and look forward to it. (See, woman can get away doing this to another woman lol).

 

P90X is quite taxing to the body (same with preparing for marathon). I think your wife priority changes because of the kids and also, she might feel low energy level right now because her body changes and age too.

 

I think at this moment, patience is a virtue. Keep trying and apply compassions. In the mean time, do a lot of less taxing, yet still effective exercises together to get herself back into it as some suggested here such as walking half an hour a day (with stroller).

 

Good luck!

 

Just want to add...another idea will be to make new friends. Peer pressure is the best. Do you have friends, preferably couples with kids who are fit & healthy?

 

Of course, don't force the conversation, sometimes just because we hang out with a lot of healthy & fit people, we are inspired to do the same.

[threebyfate]

For people who don't understand the difference between male and female bodies, most men naturally have more testosterone, which means they burn off fat much, much easier. Also, the female body automatically stores more fat, so it can handle supporting children, during rough times. That's why the fat parameters for what's healthy for women v. men, is more than double for women. Ideal or recommended for men between 31 - 40 years old, is 8 - 19%. Ideal or recommended for women is 21-33%.

 

To expect a woman to be able to melt fat off the way a man does, isn't realistic or possible, unless the woman has the same level of testosterone. If so, I suspect she wouldn't be the type of woman who's interested in men, as a sexual or romantic partner.

 

To expect a woman to melt fat off the way a man does, 4 months post second pregnancy, back down to pre-first pregnancy weight, is basically ridiculous and...silly.

Edited February 21, 2010 by threebyfate
Forgot the top end of the percentages.

[cuppa]

 

To expect a woman to melt fat off the way a man does, 4 months post second pregnancy, back down to pre-first pregnancy weight, is basically ridiculous and...silly.

 

I am not saying who's right in here but I think his expectation is to start exercising after 4 months, not to shed all 40 lbs in 4 months.

 

I think everyone understands that to lose 30 lbs, you will need at least a year to do so. I don't even agree with Jillian's or other fancy instructors (like Tracy Anderson) who literally told women to starve themselves (800 cal a day) + 2 hours exercises. That's insanity and they alway say you could lose 20 lbs in a month which is not healthy way to lose weight.

[Star Gazer]

I think everyone understands that to lose 30 lbs, you will need at least a year to do so.

 

Having lost that amount myself over a summer (safely, I might add) and watched countless friends do the same, I completely disagree. That can be done in about 4-5 months, and should be done in 4-5 months if eatin/dieting properly and safely for weight loss.

 

Of course, having the energy post-pregnancy can affect this time table given that she might not even be able to start for half a year. But once she starts and commits, it shouldn't take that long.

[cuppa]

Having lost that amount myself over a summer (safely, I might add) and watched countless friends do the same, I completely disagree. That can be done in about 4-5 months, and should be done in 4-5 months if eatin/dieting properly and safely for weight loss.

 

Of course, having the energy post-pregnancy can affect this time table given that she might not even be able to start for half a year. But once she starts and commits, it shouldn't take that long.

 

Good for you and congratulations!. I think (I might be wrong), to go down from 180 to 150 might be easier, but to lose the last 10 lbs, man, that is the killer.

 

I need to get rid the last 5 lbs and I exercise everyday (high intensity one too, beyond Jillians) but it's been 2 months and the scale still doesn't move (but I gain a lot of muscles and can fit to my size 2 skinny jeans so I just accept that I can be over 5 lbs my ideal weight lol).

[threebyfate]

I am not saying who's right in here but I think his expectation is to start exercising after 4 months, not to shed all 40 lbs in 4 months.

So OP, if your wife were to leave the kids with you and start walking for 1/2 hour a night, you would love her and be sexually attracted to her again?

 

I think everyone understands that to lose 30 lbs, you will need at least a year to do so. I don't even agree with Jillian's or other fancy instructors (like Tracy Anderson) who literally told women to starve themselves (800 cal a day) + 2 hours exercises. That's insanity and they alway say you could lose 20 lbs in a month which is not healthy way to lose weight.

Good luck to anyone who tries this and then manages to maintain her body weight with crash diets and exercise programs like this. These are, guaranteed, short-term losses, since your body will not have gotten into the habit of a healthy eating and living style. Once you get to your target body weight and toning, most will stop the starvation diet and the ridiculous amount of daily exercise. It's not healthy to stress your body to that degree.

 

What you want to do, is to habitualize your lifestyle. This takes years.

[Star Gazer]

Good for you and congratulations!. I think (I might be wrong), to go down from 180 to 150 might be easier, but to lose the last 10 lbs, man, that is the killer.

 

I need to get rid the last 5 lbs and I exercise everyday (high intensity one too, beyond Jillians) but it's been 2 months and the scale still doesn't move (but I gain a lot of muscles and can fit to my size 2 skinny jeans so I just accept that I can be over 5 lbs my ideal weight lol).

 

Well, that loss was years ago... so it was easier just because I had such a fast metabolism. But even as I've yo-yo'd over the years, it's always been easy to lose 1-2 pounds a week.

 

And well, yeah - it's easier to lose weight when you're bigger than when you're smaller, and the last few pounds are always the hardest to get rid of. When you're bigger, your body actually WANTS to drop that excessive weight, so it almost melts off. But when your body is comfy, even with 5 pounds extra, it doesn't want to let go.

 

That said, IMO, there is no such thing as being a measly 5 pounds above an illusory "ideal weight." "Ideal weight" ranges 10-15 pounds, even for the same height and body type. So seeing as our bodies change over time, your ideal weight IS the weight that keeps you in your skinny jeans with muscle tone, and which your body stablizes at. I have way more muscle now than I did in high school, hence why I weigh more, but am physically the same size.

[RobinLeftPencil]

So OP, if your wife were to leave the kids with you and start walking for 1/2 hour a night, you would love her and be sexually attracted to her again?

 

Yes. Its an effort...its a start. No one loses 40 lbs overnight...and the effort to try would be a huge turn on. Because I know it would snowball from there.

Many people, sometimes to a fault are super sensitive about their weight, especially women. I think some of these people are missing the point that I want her to start TRYING...not instantly succeed.

I still love her and she still means the world to me, and I really think there is no way to say to someone, no matter how delicately that you dont like their weight.

Oh and to the person who does crossfit...good for you. That is a killer workout.

[Stung]

I am confused by your post. What will be your suggestion for the solution for OP? It seems to me that you are blaming the OP while to me, the issue that he presented is actually valid.

 

He asked how to approach her and you seem to make justification that this is normal. I have seen so many women are able to get back in shape, even after back to back pregnancy. I know it's not easy but the key here is trying, that is by eating healthy, build your muscles, and exercise regularly.

.

 

Everyone is different. For some women, pregnancy weight does fall away easily with mild exercise, for others it is much much harder, particularly with successive pregnancies, particularly for slightly older women no longer in their 20s. Pregnancy is actually very hard on the body, and a mere 4 months after delivery a woman's body is not fully recovered. Recovered from the trauma of childbirth, yes, usually, but recovered from the pregnancy, no, not yet. It's not some minor sports injury . The point people are trying to make is that 4 months after a 2nd pregnancy, when hormones are still in major flux and while there is a newborn to take care of, is really not a good time to criticize a woman's body and sexuality. Adjusting to hormonal ebbs and tides while recovering from birth and adjusting to taking care of a newborn on top of another young child is not the same as simply not putting down the Cheetos while you're watching TV, and the OP should back off his argumentative stance and consider that he has hurt his wife's feelings sorely in a time when he should be at his most understanding. I breastfed, ate healthy and went on long walks with my son at least 3x a week as well as going on weekend hikes with my husband and at-home yoga tapes and it took me a year to get back into my prepregnancy jeans. My hormones are STILL not where they used to be and I am only now beginning to recover my muscle tone after my C-section, 15 months after birth. If my husband had had the gall to hate on my body 4 months after I gave him a son, I would have been absolutely appalled.

[threebyfate]

Straight up Robin, your posts consistently conflict.

1. The weight increments referenced in the first post, conflict.
   
2. You say effort is good enough but have gently chided her on her weight gain, even though she just ran a 1/2 marathon, the previous month.
   
3. You claim that the two of you have done PX90 together and yet, this exercise regime hasn't been popular for very long, unless you did this while she was pregnant. If so, sounds like an effort to me.
   
4. You say that both of you eat healthy and yet, that's not enough.
   

If you want to become part of the solution, rather than adding to her stress of having to adjust to taking care of two kids, the last thing you're going to do, is to tell her she's fat and unattractive, 4 months after her second pregnancy.

 

I can't help but wonder how real a situation, this is.

[cuppa]

Everyone is different. For some women, pregnancy weight does fall away easily with mild exercise, for others it is much much harder, particularly with successive pregnancies, particularly for slightly older women no longer in their 20s. Pregnancy is actually very hard on the body, and a mere 4 months after delivery a woman's body is not fully recovered. Recovered from the trauma of childbirth, yes, usually, but recovered from the pregnancy, no, not yet. It's not some minor sports injury . The point people are trying to make is that 4 months after a 2nd pregnancy, when hormones are still in major flux and while there is a newborn to take care of, is really not a good time to criticize a woman's body and sexuality. Adjusting to hormonal ebbs and tides while recovering from birth and adjusting to taking care of a newborn on top of another young child is not the same as simply not putting down the Cheetos while you're watching TV, and the OP should back off his argumentative stance and consider that he has hurt his wife's feelings sorely in a time when he should be at his most understanding. I breastfed, ate healthy and went on long walks with my son at least 3x a week as well as going on weekend hikes with my husband and at-home yoga tapes and it took me a year to get back into my prepregnancy jeans. My hormones are STILL not where they used to be and I am only now beginning to recover my muscle tone after my C-section, 15 months after birth. If my husband had had the gall to hate on my body 4 months after I gave him a son, I would have been absolutely appalled.

 

When did you start trying eating healthy and doing walks? I think this is a hot button issue. To me, sure, OP should be more delicate & understanding but as he said many times, it's about the attitude. It seems to me, yours is more like "yes, I want to be fit & healthy, I know I have a few extra lbs, and I want to get into it, but very slowly as I feel very low energy level and life is very hectic". That's an absolute positive things to do and your husband is lucky to have you.

 

Like most of my female friends who are overweight, they can be in the "yes, I am trying to get fit but god damn, it's so hard to get there but I will get there" or there is one who is like "I am really happy with the way I am, deal with it".

 

But like most said, weight issue is always the topic that no husband can bring up safely, it's hurtful, even when you are not in the vulnerable place. I think 4 months after pregnancy (assuming that there is no other serious underlying issue), you should be able to start doing 30 min walks a day or every other day.

 

Regarding sport minor injury, I'm not sure if you are referring my rupture achiles surgery example, but I don't think if you are in cast for 4 months and out of work for that long, and your calf shrink half of the size, it's not exactly minor.

 

To be able to get back in shape 1 year after that surgery, it's not an easy feat. I guess it's about you can't help who you want to admire. I want to admire my husband and I love that he's doing that to himself. I know I really admire people who try hard, I admire overweight women who jog in the morning, oblivious to what people think about them because they are determined to get fit. I admire this woman in my krav maga class who is obviously out of shape & very overweight but always gives it 100% every time.

[LucreziaBorgia]

When I confront her about her weight she will say something like---"I weigh this much and if you cant accept me you dont love me...

 

I mentioned in an earlier post that I was afraid that she was saying stuff like this, and indeed she is.

 

This will be the hardest part. Now that she feels you don't accept her as fat, that you don't love her regardless of what her weight would be. If you don't love her (as she sees in her mind), then why would she feel compelled to lose weight and look good for someone who doesn't really love her?

 

Vicious skewing of logic, and difficult to overcome. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. It is the perfect excuse to not have to work at losing weight. If you don't accept her as fat, she will stay that way because she feels you don't love her and there would be no point. If you do accept her as fat, she will stay that way because you accept her fatness.

 

I suspect that she is not content with her weight, but feels powerless to do anything about it. Eating whatever you want is great. Not having to exercise is great. It is much easier than changing your lifestyle, eating stuff you don't really enjoy, and exercising when you don't feel like it. I think she may be depressed over the fact that she can't get started, and guilty that in a little way she doesn't want to, either.

 

I understand what it is like to be in that situation. You reach a point where dammit, you just don't feel like dieting and exercising and you just want to rest when you can and not be bothered by someone nagging you about your weight. I'm sure she internally nags herself about it, and on some level hates herself for losing control of her body and not being to make any effort to do anything about it. It is a downward spiral that often results in even more weight. Self punishment, in a sense.

 

What to do? You have to break through to her that it isn't just your 'dick' that is interested in her losing weight. I'm sure you miss it when she was content enough with herself that she would wear bathing suits, would go out to the pool and beach with her kids, etc. You miss her being happy and confident with herself. Make it about her happiness, not yours.

 

That will likely be the only way, but she is going to need a drastic measure to get started. She has to want to get started, and when you are in a pool of tiredness and self loathing, it really is hard to get started.