How to approach overweight wife....

[threebyfate]

cuppa, so that you know, I'm a huge proponent of living healthy. I still work out 5 days a week, while being 24 weeks pregnant and refuse to eat junk food. It's easy for me since this is my habitual lifestyle, something I've lived with, my entire life.

 

But to hear of someone being critical of their wife, 4 months after giving birth to their second child, is about as unrealistic as you can get. Worse yet, chiding someone about their weight, a month after she ran a 1/2 marathon, is delusional.

[cuppa]

Well, that loss was years ago... so it was easier just because I had such a fast metabolism. But even as I've yo-yo'd over the years, it's always been easy to lose 1-2 pounds a week.

 

And well, yeah - it's easier to lose weight when you're bigger than when you're smaller, and the last few pounds are always the hardest to get rid of. When you're bigger, your body actually WANTS to drop that excessive weight, so it almost melts off. But when your body is comfy, even with 5 pounds extra, it doesn't want to let go.

 

That said, IMO, there is no such thing as being a measly 5 pounds above an illusory "ideal weight." "Ideal weight" ranges 10-15 pounds, even for the same height and body type. So seeing as our bodies change over time, your ideal weight IS the weight that keeps you in your skinny jeans with muscle tone, and which your body stablizes at. I have way more muscle now than I did in high school, hence why I weigh more, but am physically the same size.

 

I can no longer lose 1 or 2 lbs a week (I think maybe because I am pushing mid 30s ). When I was in my 20s, I just need to skip dinner once or twice (substitute to fruits or something) then I will lose 3 - 4 lbs, no problem.

 

These days, every 1 lb is a hard fought battle lol and I don't want to starve myself. I am planning to get pregnant in one year and I am very determined to up my metabolism and build muscles (and vow to do pre-natal yoga and walking while I'm pregnant). When I was joining competitive vball league, one of my teammates even play vball up to her 7 month...see...I'm not going to be like that but at least, I want to do yoga or something gentle.

 

Regarding weight, yes, I give up on that. I measure myself with skinny jeans and how the clothes hang on my frame , as long as I love the reflection that look back at me in the morning, then I'm happy .

 

Back to OP's issue, since wife is approaching 40's, it's something to consider that we have to exercise extra harder compared to our younger years. I definitely can tell the difference between my late 20s and my early 30s now.....very different metabolism, my body fights harder than ever and I think this will get worst after pregnancy and with age. So yes, patience & compassion is the key in here.

[cuppa]

cuppa, so that you know, I'm a huge proponent of living healthy. I still work out 5 days a week, while being 24 weeks pregnant and refuse to eat junk food. It's easy for me since this is my habitual lifestyle, something I've lived with, my entire life.

 

But to hear of someone being critical of their wife, 4 months after giving birth to their second child, is about as unrealistic as you can get. Worse yet, chiding someone about their weight, a month after she ran a 1/2 marathon, is delusional.

 

Yep I agree. Yeah, like you, I'm also a huge supporter of living healthy & exercise daily because this has changed my life (and I always want to push myself to the limit when it comes to fitness lol). I have to admit that I have a pet peeve with people who throw excuses for not being fit, yet refuse to do anything about it (and only talk about it). I don't mean to offend so I apologize if I come across that way.

 

Yep, I realized after I re-read some of them about joining marathon and P90X. That's quite extreme and if OP's wife has done all these and the weight still hasn't moved, then maybe we have some deeper issues here.

 

Good observation.

[mem11363]

TBF,

It is equally silly to split hairs over the technical definition of obesity. Her BMI is 29 - just a hair short of 30 - which is officially obese.

 

Americans get fatter each year - and they get more belligerent about their right to be fat - each year. You are just one more voice in a vast see of people saying "I get to eat what I want/exercise when I do/don't want"

 

Your tone with this guy is that "she has an impossible schedule" and he is a jerk. You know little about his schedule or hers. And as he has mentioned like most men with fat wives who find it a turn off he is more than happy to help her. She is just in a "angry this is how I am mode".

 

 

 

 

For people who don't understand the difference between male and female bodies, most men naturally have more testosterone, which means they burn off fat much, much easier. Also, the female body automatically stores more fat, so it can handle supporting children, during rough times. That's why the fat parameters for what's healthy for women v. men, is more than double for women. Ideal or recommended for men between 31 - 40 years old, is 8 - 19%. Ideal or recommended for women is 21-33%.

 

To expect a woman to be able to melt fat off the way a man does, isn't realistic or possible, unless the woman has the same level of testosterone. If so, I suspect she wouldn't be the type of woman who's interested in men, as a sexual or romantic partner.

 

To expect a woman to melt fat off the way a man does, 4 months post second pregnancy, back down to pre-first pregnancy weight, is basically ridiculous and...silly.

[threebyfate]

Yep, I realized after I re-read some of them about joining marathon and P90X. That's quite extreme and if OP's wife has done all these and the weight still hasn't moved, then maybe we have some deeper issues here.

Yup, if this scenario is exactly as stated by the OP, it sounds like a control issue. When someone keeps cranking up the bar about expectations, it's not surprising when someone finally gives up and says, frack it, enough is enough, so they take the passive-aggressive route of doing nothing.

[RobinLeftPencil]

Yep I agree. Yeah, like you, I'm also a huge supporter of living healthy & exercise daily because this has changed my life (and I always want to push myself to the limit when it comes to fitness lol). I have to admit that I have a pet peeve with people who throw excuses for not being fit, yet refuse to do anything about it (and only talk about it). I don't mean to offend so I apologize if I come across that way.

 

Yep, I realized after I re-read some of them about joining marathon and P90X. That's quite extreme and if OP's wife has done all these and the weight still hasn't moved, then maybe we have some deeper issues here.

 

Good observation.

some clarification. 1/2 marathon was 6 months b4 weight gain was at 160. p90x was a year before that...and it was the lite version.

so to clarify....wife was at 160-200 in 2009.--pregnancy came in march.

she barely has done any exercise in 18 months and also ate poorly.(snacking) If none of that occurred I certainly would not mention based just on the pregnancy or the immediate time after.

[Star Gazer]

How do you know her weight? Are you estimating? Does she tell you? Do you make her weigh-in in front of you?

[asireen]

Dude you came to the wrong place for this advice, these boards are filled with women who never look at it from the other side. They are going to go after you for simply saying that you want your wife to lose a little weight yet they demand their H to do everything for them and see nothing wrong with that.

 

Very well said.

 

And add to that some men, who take their side. Those men most likely are married to control freaks, and are completely under their thumb.

[RobinLeftPencil]

How do you know her weight? Are you estimating? Does she tell you? Do you make her weigh-in in front of you?

of course not. She has told me.

You know some of the women here who have embraced fitness offer sound advice and feedback...while some I feel who struggle with their own weight issues blow this into something its not because it strikes a nerve with them. If I put on 40 lbs of fat and have man boobs my wife has every right to tell me about it and that should work both ways. Read thru my posts...no exercise in almost 18 months ! To some of you who have never exercised in your life thats nothing...but to people who embrace health its a big deal.

[JackJack]

So when you have sat with her and talked with her in a loving caring way about whats going on, what has she said? Has she given you any indication what might be going on with her? Her lack of determination/motivation comes from somewhere I would think. Something is causing her to not want to exercise, and just being lazy comes from a deeper issue as well. Hopefully when that issue whatever it is, is addressed and delt with you all can go from there.

[threebyfate]

of course not. She has told me.

You know some of the women here who have embraced fitness offer sound advice and feedback...while some I feel who struggle with their own weight issues blow this into something its not because it strikes a nerve with them. If I put on 40 lbs of fat and have man boobs my wife has every right to tell me about it and that should work both ways. Read thru my posts...no exercise in almost 18 months ! To some of you who have never exercised in your life thats nothing...but to people who embrace health its a big deal.

I've embraced health all my life and find what you're posting to be both insensitive to your wife and blatantly unrealistic.

 

You'll find that I have no tolerance for people who won't put some effort into their bodies but whine about being heavy. But...pregnancy is a whole nother ballgame, especially the second one. Had you posted this a year or two later, I'd be all over her, for not trying.

 

If you're more realistic, someone with a Jennifer Lopez/Kim Kardashian/Beyonce body type, is going to battle with weight gain, her entire life. It's not impossible but most def. is improbable that she could lose 40 - 65 lbs, four months after delivery of YOUR second child.

 

How much time was there between this first pregnancy and the inception of the second one?

[Left in a Lurch]

Yes, of course, dare to say it because in today's shallow world, it is true. I think I'll remain single until I find a man who knows that passion comes from within and has nothing to do with muscles or firm tits. People who know this make the best lovers!!

 

As for vows, I think they should do away with them once and for all. They've become a parody.

 

Those guys are all over the place, but they are 5'8" and 275 lbs, so why aren't you dating them?

[threebyfate]

I don't know many women who couldn't have those bodies(never mind 2 of them have never had children) if we all had the resources they do. Chefs, trainers, doctors, photographers with photo shop. Those women aren't the women that we see in pictures. I don't think all those people(mainly men) have seen those women naked IRL so you really don't know what their body is like. And all those pear shaped women will have a really hard time as they age.

Here's a pic of Jennifer Lopez in a bikini, 4 months after her first pregnancy, even with all the bolded help and originally being in excellent shape:

 

http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s140/trialbyfire1/jennifer_lopez_bikini_post-pregnanc.jpg

 

Let's hope this helps to put things a bit more into perspective.

[RobinLeftPencil]

Those guys are all over the place, but they are 5'8" and 275 lbs, so why aren't you dating them?

Exactly. Women get offended by men who want a woman with an attractive figure but women do the same thing. Anyone ever see the Saturday night live episode a few years ago where Tom Brady works in an office and he makes a lewd gesture to some secretary and she laughs it off and tells him hes "so funny" and then nerdy Fred Armisen says "Hi" to her and she says how hes so creepy and if he "bothers" her again shes going to call Human Resources ? Its a funny skit but its not too far from the truth. Women objectify men too.

[cuppa]

I don't know many women who couldn't have those bodies(never mind 2 of them have never had children) if we all had the resources they do. Chefs, trainers, doctors, photographers with photo shop. Those women aren't the women that we see in pictures. I don't think all those people(mainly men) have seen those women naked IRL so you really don't know what their body is like. And all those pear shaped women will have a really hard time as they age.

 

I have to disagree with this though. I am quite curvy myself and it's easy to let myself go but I try not too. My best friend's mom (she's brazilian), she's 63 and she still has a v. good shape body despite having those brazilian butts. And no, she doesn't have trainer, doesn't have chef, and not rich either (she works as a housekeeper or sometimes nanny). So, I think the idea that you can only look like them if you have private trainer & chef is huge misconception.

 

There are so many women in my circle got their butt up, their breast up, in their late 30s and early 40s, simply by doing power yoga & Jillian Michaels or pilates at home. Quite frankly, I have 2 best friends, all 3 of us are very fit (because we motivate each other), one of them has 3 kids and still manage to squeeze an hour a day to exercise (no time for gym? do planks for 5 mins a day, it increases your core).

 

So I don't know, my mom has 4 kids, has to cook & clean and go to run a factory with 300+ employees, and yes, she is not overweight and very beautiful still (she's 55 and she looks 10 years younger). And no, I doubt she even knows what personal trainer means...lol...she just walks everyday and watch what she eats.

 

If we talk about 5 - 10 lbs overweight, then yes, lets bash OP for having unrealistic expectation. I think we are talking about 40 lbs overweight so I think his concern is still valid. 40 lbs overweight is 40 lbs overweight, no sugarcoating right?

[RobinLeftPencil]

I have to disagree with this though. I am quite curvy myself and it's easy to let myself go but I try not too. My best friend's mom (she's brazilian), she's 63 and she still has a v. good shape body despite having those brazilian butts. And no, she doesn't have trainer, doesn't have chef, and not rich either (she works as a housekeeper or sometimes nanny). So, I think the idea that you can only look like them if you have private trainer & chef is huge misconception.

 

There are so many women in my circle got their butt up, their breast up, in their late 30s and early 40s, simply by doing power yoga & Jillian Michaels or pilates at home. Quite frankly, I have 2 best friends, all 3 of us are very fit (because we motivate each other), one of them has 3 kids and still manage to squeeze an hour a day to exercise (no time for gym? do planks for 5 mins a day, it increases your core).

 

So I don't know, my mom has 4 kids, has to cook & clean and go to run a factory with 300+ employees, and yes, she is not overweight and very beautiful still (she's 55 and she looks 10 years younger). And no, I doubt she even knows what personal trainer means...lol...she just walks everyday and watch what she eats.

 

If we talk about 5 - 10 lbs overweight, then yes, lets bash OP for having unrealistic expectation. I think we are talking about 40 lbs overweight so I think his concern is still valid. 40 lbs overweight is 40 lbs overweight, no sugarcoating right?

It sound slike we share a similar mindset cuppa.

I am not referring to 5-10 lbs...actually my wife looks best 10 lbs above what she technically *should* weigh. Curvy women are very appealing...to me at least. So if you want to be technical shes really like 50 lbs overweight. I would be happy if she just started...Im not expecting instant results. Just get started.

[The Toolman]

You are not out of line, at all.

 

This is my first post. I couldn't remain silent as I normally do. I have lived this problem. I am married to the most understanding, beautiful woman I know. She has been and remains, my life for 34.5 years. She has always turned heads since before we were married.... and she still does at 53. But....

 

WE have lived through the VERY SAME PROBLEM you described. I say "we" because as you have stated, it's not HER problem and it's not YOUR problem. It makes it far easier that you already recognize this. It took me 18 years to figure this out. (I might mention we did try a trip to a marriage counselor. What a horrendous mistake! The marriage counselor was 50% or more over weight, herself. She immediately thought I was a TERRIBLE person, like I'm sure many of the ladies on here will believe.)

 

Let me clarify: it has never been the 25 to 30 extra pounds my wife carried, it was

 

1) the cellulite that came with the last 10 or 15.

2) the stress created by her frustration of the weight

3) her shyness towards ever letting me see her

4) not wanting to be around any of our "skinny" friends

5) the endless frustration of her failed diets

6) her perceived disappointment from me (she was often right, I'm afraid to admit.

7) her embarrassment of acquaintances seeing her over-weight

 

Deep down inside, she was hurting and I knew it, just as your wife is. I can tell where you're coming from, I've been there. You are a good husband. You have been honest with her. You do this because you love HER and you want your sexual satisfaction to come from HER. You want her to be the woman you married. GREAT !!!

 

Now you have something to do.....

 

She needs to know how much you still love her. She needs to know you love her, but not the cellulite/rolls. There IS a difference. You must get her to separate this thing that comes between the two of you in her mind. She must know she still has ALL of your attentions.

 

I am sure you don't make love nearly as often as either of you desire, but when that desire builds to the point that you both over-come her insecurities and your distaste for this "enemy" that holds your libido in check, MAKE IT THE BEST SEX THE TWO OF YOU HAVE EVER HAD. Leave no doubts in her mind as to how much you enjoy making love to her, how you enjoy ALL of her specialness, her warmth, the wonderful feeling of HER. THIS IS IMPORTANT !!! Your souls connect at this level, and she gains the strength and the desire to beat this thing for the guy she loves at that special moment. It is very powerful. But she is weary and frustrated EVERY day with all the little, small failures. She needs to draw on the strength she can only get from the love you two share to beat it. She needs to have a reason to WANT to beat this thing. At this VERY SPECIAL MOMENT, your sincere reactions will help power her resolve.

 

When you see she has shed a pound or two, tell her you notice the difference. Sometimes she will falter, just help her stay focused through encouragement. Sounds like you are already great at this. If she looses it too fast, let her know this is not good for her. Encourage her to eat when she's hungry. If she feels hungry, her body will work against her.

 

I can't offer any further advice, you are already doing SO MANY things right. Many lesser husbands might suffer in silence or have an affair, but you have taken up the fight for both of you. She needs your strength, love and encouragement. So much of hers is already divided between 2 children, life and a husband she feels is disappointed in her. Let her learn differently.

 

Good luck... it's worth it.

[blair08]

I get that you want her to lose weight and wish she would put forth some effort. I get that you're frustrated. I think many people here have offered or made some good points and suggestions, but I think the main point you're missing and this comes from men and women because I've been both genders say this. Its not so much about the fact that you want her to put forth effort to lose some weight, as it is your attitude about it. And if you come across to her as you do here, well, maybe shes put off by your attitude like you are about her weight.

[Joe Normal]

Instead of moaning about her weight, why not try and approach it more positively? Like go up to her and say "Hey darling, I was looking at workout plans online and thought it would be fun to exercise together"...if she reacts negatively, just try and get her doing 20 minutes for 3 days a week or something.

 

Surely no reasonable person can resent a suggestion of a brief workout 3 times a week with their spouse? You can even make it more indirect by suggesting taking up some activity like squash, swimming etc.

 

A bit of tact and decorum could go a long way here. I mean consider these two different approaches:

 

Tactless: "Wow, you've really got fat. Honestly I can't even feel attracted to you anymore when you look like that, those fat rolls and cellulite are just gross. How could you let yourself go? Can't you even do a bit of exercise to work off that lard?"

 

Tactful: "Hey darling, have you thought about starting up some keep-fit again? I was thinking, we could start with something light, maybe just go swimming a few times a week - or there's this nice 30 minute workout plan I saw online, some of the people who tried it were really impressed with the results. How about we start some of this together, could be fun?"

[Joe Normal]

Yes, of course, dare to say it because in today's shallow world, it is true. I think I'll remain single until I find a man who knows that passion comes from within and has nothing to do with muscles or firm tits. People who know this make the best lovers!!

 

As for vows, I think they should do away with them once and for all. They've become a parody.

 

You're assuming men have any choice in this. The simple fact is most men won't be able to get an erection when faced with a very fat woman, regardless of how much they love her.

[Joe Normal]

I thought so...

 

Oh, and if you so believe the "in sickness and in health, 'til death do us part" part, does that mean you will stay with your wife even if she gains 100 pounds?

 

Maybe they should add an obesity clause, lol!!

 

It says "in sickness and in health" - I don't see any part for "extreme laziness".

 

It's not like this woman is working out 2 hours a day and still being 180 lbs. If she was making an effort, then OP would indeed be a jerk. But she is doing literally *nothing*. The problem is with her, much more than him.

 

Every woman I've seriously dated would die of shame before reaching that kind of weight. Their self-respect wouldn't allow it and they would take matters into their own hands before I even had to mention it.

[cuppa]

You are not out of line, at all.

 

This is my first post. I couldn't remain silent as I normally do. I have lived this problem. I am married to the most understanding, beautiful woman I know. She has been and remains, my life for 34.5 years. She has always turned heads since before we were married.... and she still does at 53. But....

 

WE have lived through the VERY SAME PROBLEM you described. I say "we" because as you have stated, it's not HER problem and it's not YOUR problem. It makes it far easier that you already recognize this. It took me 18 years to figure this out. (I might mention we did try a trip to a marriage counselor. What a horrendous mistake! The marriage counselor was 50% or more over weight, herself. She immediately thought I was a TERRIBLE person, like I'm sure many of the ladies on here will believe.)

 

Let me clarify: it has never been the 25 to 30 extra pounds my wife carried, it was

 

1) the cellulite that came with the last 10 or 15.

2) the stress created by her frustration of the weight

3) her shyness towards ever letting me see her

4) not wanting to be around any of our "skinny" friends

5) the endless frustration of her failed diets

6) her perceived disappointment from me (she was often right, I'm afraid to admit.

7) her embarrassment of acquaintances seeing her over-weight

 

Deep down inside, she was hurting and I knew it, just as your wife is. I can tell where you're coming from, I've been there. You are a good husband. You have been honest with her. You do this because you love HER and you want your sexual satisfaction to come from HER. You want her to be the woman you married. GREAT !!!

 

Now you have something to do.....

 

She needs to know how much you still love her. She needs to know you love her, but not the cellulite/rolls. There IS a difference. You must get her to separate this thing that comes between the two of you in her mind. She must know she still has ALL of your attentions.

 

I am sure you don't make love nearly as often as either of you desire, but when that desire builds to the point that you both over-come her insecurities and your distaste for this "enemy" that holds your libido in check, MAKE IT THE BEST SEX THE TWO OF YOU HAVE EVER HAD. Leave no doubts in her mind as to how much you enjoy making love to her, how you enjoy ALL of her specialness, her warmth, the wonderful feeling of HER. THIS IS IMPORTANT !!! Your souls connect at this level, and she gains the strength and the desire to beat this thing for the guy she loves at that special moment. It is very powerful. But she is weary and frustrated EVERY day with all the little, small failures. She needs to draw on the strength she can only get from the love you two share to beat it. She needs to have a reason to WANT to beat this thing. At this VERY SPECIAL MOMENT, your sincere reactions will help power her resolve.

 

When you see she has shed a pound or two, tell her you notice the difference. Sometimes she will falter, just help her stay focused through encouragement. Sounds like you are already great at this. If she looses it too fast, let her know this is not good for her. Encourage her to eat when she's hungry. If she feels hungry, her body will work against her.

 

I can't offer any further advice, you are already doing SO MANY things right. Many lesser husbands might suffer in silence or have an affair, but you have taken up the fight for both of you. She needs your strength, love and encouragement. So much of hers is already divided between 2 children, life and a husband she feels is disappointed in her. Let her learn differently.

 

Good luck... it's worth it.

 

Great post and great advices. If I ever be in this situation, I hope my husband can do the same (instead of bury his head in the sand and does something hurtful without telling me the problem and being honest with me). Maybe because I'm asian and in asian culture, it's not taboo to talk about weight (to the point sometimes it's too much, the whole culture is obsessed with thinness instead of fitness).

[Joe Normal]

 

I have offered to do any workout program she wants...WITH HER. Any and ALL attempts to coerce her to exercise are met with resistance

 

This is interesting wording. You should never be *coercing* someone like this - you need to persuade, in a positive and loving way.

[HeidiB125]

I haven't read all the responses but most times it's not what is said but how you say it. It does sound a bit premature to be having this discussion with her but let's say as time goes on and she is not motivated to lose the weight you will have to find positive ways to help her and not threaten her with divorce or withdraw from her as punishment.

 

First...lead your heart, don't follow it. Even if you think she doesn't look particularly attractive, tell her she is. We dish out BS to everyone around us...dish it out where it will do some good. Tell her she's beautiful just the way she is and that you will love her forever no matter what. Then you think of ways for the both of you to accomplish this goal. Take up tennis together, or a dance class, or something that will be fun for the both of you. It's easy to be the "big man" and give ultimatums and lick your "I've got a fat wife, poor me" wounds but you've got to grow up and DO what's right by your wife and family.

 

Also, in a very loving, sensitive way ask her what there is about you that she would like changed. Are there things about you that bother her but she feels like she's opening a can of worms if she expresses them. Being open to her negative feelings about you and having a desire to change for her will, believe it or not, give her a greater desire and incentive to change for you. Good luck!

[RobinLeftPencil]

Instead of moaning about her weight, why not try and approach it more positively? Like go up to her and say "Hey darling, I was looking at workout plans online and thought it would be fun to exercise together"...if she reacts negatively, just try and get her doing 20 minutes for 3 days a week or something.

 

Surely no reasonable person can resent a suggestion of a brief workout 3 times a week with their spouse? You can even make it more indirect by suggesting taking up some activity like squash, swimming etc.

 

A bit of tact and decorum could go a long way here. I mean consider these two different approaches:

 

Tactless: "Wow, you've really got fat. Honestly I can't even feel attracted to you anymore when you look like that, those fat rolls and cellulite are just gross. How could you let yourself go? Can't you even do a bit of exercise to work off that lard?"

 

Tactful: "Hey darling, have you thought about starting up some keep-fit again? I was thinking, we could start with something light, maybe just go swimming a few times a week - or there's this nice 30 minute workout plan I saw online, some of the people who tried it were really impressed with the results. How about we start some of this together, could be fun?"

Ive done this at least 15 times if not more over the last 18 months. The wording I use in this forum is NOTHING like the wording I would use with her in person. So if you do the tactful appraoch which I have done 15 times...at what point do you say enough is enough ? When your wife says to you---Im 180---if you dont like it too bad ?

 

Even at that point the worst thing I said to her is that I am turned off by her lack of effort to exercise at all and although I love her the extra weight is a turn off.

The language I use here is NOTHING like I would use in real life. Im not dumb, we do have sharp knives in the house