Nothing??

[Angel Pie]

[sIZE=2]My bf that I live with punched me in my nose, threw me on the ground and headbutted me twice and screamed that i should never **** with him. He got up and left me lying in my own blood, crying my eyes out and 4 days later he has not awknowledged what happened in anyway. Not an Im sorry, nothing. This happened over me trying to get a payment from him for our cell phone bill as its under my name and he has not paid his portion. Like, anytime I have ever tried to speak to him, wether its about bills, helping around the house, our relationship, He always reacts the same way...calling me stupid, telling me I will never understand the world, calling me a nag because Im a typical evil woman, calling me an annoying bitch, that our fights are all my fault, that I need to change, then comes the not letting me speak when I try to defend myself, cutting me off, then the threats, if I dont stop he will punch me in the face, then silence. He will ignore me. Like im not there, then taunt me by looking intently at his computer and then in the middle of me talking and crying says "oh, you're still talking?" Getting back to normal is always the same. Me trying to talk to him, trying to save us. Trying to look withen myself at what Im doing wrong. Maybe I do nag too much? But my brain is telling me no, that if he did the things he was supposed to in life and in a relationship then I wouldnt have to nag. Am I evil? No, his anger stems from his previous bad relationships, his relationships with his mother. Am I those names he calls me? No. Hes just venting, it doesnt mean anything...but why does it hurt so much? So many questions I ask myself, so many thoughts running through my head as to what Im doing that deserves this. Once we are back to normal...this is what normal is for us...He spends endless amount of time on the computer because he owns his own company and getting works is all on him. When he does have work, it then depends on the weather as hes a roofer, so there is a lot of time when he is not working. I work Mon-Fri home everyday at 5. When I come home, the house is as I left it. Hes been hibernating in the office all day with the curtains closed because hes getting off to young camming girls, which has taken intamacy out of our relationship, when I try to talk to him, what I mentioned above happens. I do my own thing at night, I try to ask him if he wants to spend time together, like a movie and he says no. Sometimes he does things like pick me up from work, cook supper, one day he tidy the house without me asking, did laundry, started the dishes. Sometimes he will say yes and watch a movie with me. I go to bed alone at night because he stays up on computer or watching tv. I try to think of his side and that maybe he has something on his mind, maybe he is stressed because there is no work, then I try to think of what I can do to help....This is not normal. This is not love. But I always try and make it work. Im always thinking of ways. I try and talk to him about why our relationship is like this and he tells me everything is good and that he doesnt care to put effort in because its pointless and if we do nothing it will just get better.

The next day, after he punched me, I emailed him how I felt, he ignored it. I tried to talk when I got home, he was angry and told me I deserved it and to grow a pair. Over the next 3 days, I have become speechless to him. I cant stop thinking about what happened. I play it over and over again in my head. I have become introspective, trying to figure out why I would choose this person, there were signs in the beguinning, why did I ignore them? Why would I put up with so much? Why would I put myself, my needs, my wants, my belief for a real, loving relationship aside for what this guy could offer me?

I cannot find words to describe how I feel. Hes starting to be nice again, but I cant even speak to him. I cant even look him in the eyes. I cant be in the same room as him. When he tries to talk to me Its effort to answer him. I have never in my life felt this particular emotion. Its not hate, Its not love. The only time I feel sadness is when I play that fight in my head. I dont feel anything. I feel nothing. I dont feel depressed. I cant describe it. Its nothing.

Why does this mean, that I feel nothing? Is it possible that he really doesnt feel bad about what he did?

[/sIZE]

[curiousnycgirl]

There is absolutely zero justification for his hitting you. Period end of story. Frankly I think you need to press charges and have his a$$ arrested.

 

If you guys are living in your house get a restraining order and change the locks. If you are living in his house, pack your stuff and get out while he is in jail.

 

I don't understand why you are staying? to answer your question yes it is possible that he doesn't feel bad - he told you he didn't. He told you to grow a set. WTF?!

 

So why are you still there? Get out and get to therapy - PLEASE

[Angel Pie]

There is absolutely zero justification for his hitting you. Period end of story. Frankly I think you need to press charges and have his a$$ arrested.

 

If you guys are living in your house get a restraining order and change the locks. If you are living in his house, pack your stuff and get out while he is in jail.

 

I don't understand why you are staying? to answer your question yes it is possible that he doesn't feel bad - he told you he didn't. He told you to grow a set. WTF?!

 

So why are you still there? Get out and get to therapy - PLEASE

 

 

I dont even know why I am still here. I feel like there is no where to go. I dont have a car and I live close to work. If I didnt have a job, I would go stay at a friends but I need to think of my job. I feel guilty calling the police as it will ruin his life, his company and I worry that it will ruin the relationships I have with his family. I know what he did was awful but I would feel added pain with causing pain to him and his family. I lived in this place first, If I packed up and left, he couldnt afford it on his own and he would just end up moving out and this flat that I love so much would be gone. I want him to go, ive said it, he just sat there ignoring me.

[curiousnycgirl]

I'm sorry but you are caring about everyone but yourself - BAD. I know this because I do the same, although I would like to believe if anyone EVER laid a hand on me I would sing a different tune.

 

Kick his a$$ out - it is really that simple. Pack up his things, have a family member of his come to collect them, change the lock and tell him he's gone. Tell him and his family that if he goes quietly you won't call the police, but if he causes more issues/harm you will.

 

At least most abusers at some point realize that what htey did is wrong and aplogize (although usually do it again) yours doesn't even realize it's wrong! He's a baffoon and an a$$. You don't want to hurt him or his family - but he is hurting YOU and his family raised him to be that way.

 

You would be better off without any of them. I know I am sounding very harsh, and I know how enormously difficult it will be to actually do what I am saying, but you don't deserve this, no one does. And he deserves to go to jail - let some tough guy there treat him the way he's been treating you. Honestly!

 

I want to send you oodles of {{{HUGS}}}} and support for what must be a very difficult time for you.

[Ninita]

You are maybe feeling nothing now because you are in shock. Please do get out as soon as you can! You owe it to yourself, and eventually to him too because he needs to learn and he won't change unless you leave him. You might think you are protecting him but actually letting him off the hook by not telling the police is just teaching him that he doesn't have to take responsibility for his own actions. That is not good for anyone to learn. If you want, think about telling the police as the kind of tough love that he needs right now.

Please leave NOW and don't ever go back to someone who does that to you. Nothing, his family, your job etc., can be more important than your physical and psychological safety!

I just feel so bad for you, nobody deserves this and less you: you seem like such a loving person, thinking about his well-being and all, despite what he's done. You deserve so much better! I think it's your responsibility, towards yourself and everyone who loves you, to protect yourself and go.

Don't tell him anything, just leave when he can't see you leave. Contact the landlord to give notice on your contract if you are renting, go to a friend's house (that is what friends are for). Make sure you have your driving license, passport, diplomas etc with you and enough money. Don't leave anything that he can use to compel you to go back. Talk to the police. Find out if there is an organization which helps people in your situation in your area.

Also, there must be a way for you to go to work from somewhere else. If not, call in sick for some days. Have you been to the doctor after he hurt you?

Please do leave before anything worse happens! You can sort out the relationship to his family afterwards. As for him, it will be good for him to be having to sort out his own life.

[anne1707]

I feel guilty calling the police as it will ruin his life, his company and I worry that it will ruin the relationships I have with his family. I know what he did was awful but I would feel added pain with causing pain to him and his family.

 

Ruin his life? Causing him pain?

 

What do you think he doing to you? He is ruining your life and causing you pain every day you spend in this relationship. You owe him absolutely nothing. Please get out of this relationship now - if he does not accept that he needs to change and take positive action (e.g. therapy) then all that will happen is continuing (and possibly increasingly severe) abuse.

 

Stop looking after him and look after yourself instead.

[Angel Pie]

[sIZE=2]curiousnycgirl, Ninita and anne1707- Thank you for your feed back. I really do appreciate it. You are all right that I am thinking about everyone else but myself. I just don't even feel like myself, Ninita, you said I was in shock. Maybe that's what it is. I feel frozen physically and verbally, but in my head, even though Im sitting there staring off into space, my mind is racing. I have spent the entire weekend alone, mainly on the computer researching abuse, signs of abuse, how to cope, how to move past, what it does to your spirit and self confidence, why someone abuses, everything. It has opened my eyes up to sooooo much. I let him vent when he was mad, calling me every awful name and I never realized how much affect those names have when its from someone you love. I knew that it hurt, i knew that it made me cry, I knew that it chipped away my self-esteem but he said he was venting, didnt mean it, just blowing off steam and he said it was up to me to feel good about myself and when you feel good nobody could bring you down, no matter what they say. I wanted to believe him. But I am human. I can be positive, I can feel good about myself and when someone I love puts me down and i get upset, thats normal, no matter how I feel. Its not really the names, I never once believed I was evil or stupid...but its the anger those words are delivered from that person who you just want love from that tears you apart. As well as opening my eyes to a lot that I was blind to, I have decided that it doesnt matter that he has not said sorry. Until he gets help and truly sees the damage that caused me, I can never forgive him. If he came to me, crying, with a million im sorry's, I would not accept it. I feel like for me to accept that, would be me enabling it. It would only be so he could feel better and not do anything about it. I know in life we should forgive, but I cant right now. If he got help and it was a genuine apology, I would accept in time, but not now. I know that I can never be with him - I was lying in bed this morning and I feel relief. He has caused me so much mistrust in this relationship and I never have to feel it again. I put up with so much, made so many excuses for everything, I put myself aside, pushed things under the rug, just to be with this guy...for what? For this? I just had a thought...What if this nothing feeling I have is so that I can only have thought? To think clearly with no emotions? Maybe I have subconciously pushed all my emotions aside, so that I could see everything for what it really is? I think that might be what the nothing feeling I wrote about in my original post is....

[/sIZE]

[anne1707]

(((Hugs))) Angel

 

Sounds like you have got a clearer perspective. Have you thought about your next step?

[Angel Pie]

(((Hugs))) Angel

 

Sounds like you have got a clearer perspective. Have you thought about your next step?

 

Im still working that out in my head. I really do not want the police involved, when he is out of my life I dont ever want to worry that I have to go to court, or just any of that. I think with the mind frame that I am in now, I can only do one thing at time or I will break. My job is already in jeaopary because I have missed so much time. If I lose my job I will be done financially. I only switched to this job in September and already I have let my emotional distress come into my job and my attendance. My coworkers are AMAZING people and I really dont want to lose my job and with the severity of this situation if I take on to much I might let it affect me and I cannot let that come into my work. My mind is going, I just need to plan my next move carefully.

[Ninita]

I'm really glad if what I said was helpful. I hope you can get out of your situation with this guy as soon as possible and make a better life for yourself. Keep us posted.

[Angel Pie]

I'm really glad if what I said was helpful. I hope you can get out of your situation with this guy as soon as possible and make a better life for yourself. Keep us posted.

 

 

It was really helpful and kind. Thank you so much. Seriously!

[curiousnycgirl]

Im still working that out in my head. I really do not want the police involved, when he is out of my life I dont ever want to worry that I have to go to court, or just any of that. I think with the mind frame that I am in now, I can only do one thing at time or I will break. My job is already in jeaopary because I have missed so much time. If I lose my job I will be done financially. I only switched to this job in September and already I have let my emotional distress come into my job and my attendance. My coworkers are AMAZING people and I really dont want to lose my job and with the severity of this situation if I take on to much I might let it affect me and I cannot let that come into my work. My mind is going, I just need to plan my next move carefully.

 

Sounds like you are focussing on keeping yourself a float and that is good. I agree job stability is critical, not only for the income, but for your feelings of self worth as well.

 

So the next question is what are you going to do at home? If we can help you with your thought process, we're here for you, if not - we're here for you anyway.

 

Good luck!

[Angel Pie]

Sounds like you are focussing on keeping yourself a float and that is good. I agree job stability is critical, not only for the income, but for your feelings of self worth as well.

 

So the next question is what are you going to do at home? If we can help you with your thought process, we're here for you, if not - we're here for you anyway.

 

Good luck!

 

At home I am going to avoid him. I am going to have to talk to him at some point about him moving out, what I would like is to keep this flat and rent out the spare bedroom. I realize tho for my own safety that I cannot have this conversation with him alone. I do have someone in mind that I have explained this situation to and I believe they may have spoken to him about it...I am going to call this person tomorrow and see what they have come up with and tell my plan and ask if he would mind being there when I have this conversation with him. I am also going to have to talk to him about his bills and money he ows me...Im thinking I may have to just cut my losses with that one, but Im going to bring it up anyways. And yes! You have helped so much with my thought process!!! Seriously! Thank you a million times over! I read your posts by the way, You seem like a very strong lady with what you have been going through as well. You seem very smart and I really appreciate your help.

[anne1707]

Is there anybody who can come and spend some time with you now (or you go and see them)? Just to minimise the time you and he are alone.

[curiousnycgirl]

At home I am going to avoid him. I am going to have to talk to him at some point about him moving out, what I would like is to keep this flat and rent out the spare bedroom. I realize tho for my own safety that I cannot have this conversation with him alone. I do have someone in mind that I have explained this situation to and I believe they may have spoken to him about it...I am going to call this person tomorrow and see what they have come up with and tell my plan and ask if he would mind being there when I have this conversation with him. I am also going to have to talk to him about his bills and money he ows me...Im thinking I may have to just cut my losses with that one, but Im going to bring it up anyways. And yes! You have helped so much with my thought process!!! Seriously! Thank you a million times over! I read your posts by the way, You seem like a very strong lady with what you have been going through as well. You seem very smart and I really appreciate your help.

 

While avoiding him at ohme is not the ideal, I am so happy you are sticking with your convictions, and doing so in a manner that protects you. Now all you have to do is make it happen!

 

We are rooting for you and we are here for you.

 

Thanks for reading my posts, I wish I could agree with you that I am strong, I am not - but for once I am sticking with my plan. To tell you the truth I do feel a lot better for that. I feel like for once I am doing gthe right thing for me. Doesn't make it easy - just like what you are doing won't be easy - but it is very much the best thing for you.

 

Who knows in the end it might even be good for him too - but that is not my concern, YOU are!

[Angel Pie]

I dont think I would feel comfortable having someone here...I just dont know...Im so not as strong as I was earlier. I'm starting to feel sad...It all started when I was in the kitchen, I was making supper and he came in and started helping. He washed every dish after he was done as I cleaned the whole house today...I watched his hands when he washed the dishes and all I could think was how they hit me. He started to prepare dinner with me and when it was time to eat he went into the office and I to the living room. I took only a few bites. I felt like I couldnt eat this food that he prepared. I went into the bedroom and laid down with one of my cats. He knocked on the door and came in asked what I was doing, I said laying down. He asked if I was ok, i said yes, my back was facing him. He said ok and left. It made me so mad that he asked if I was ok...how could I be ok? Now I am just sad. I feel like everything is changing and Im scared...I wasnt prepared for this. I dont want to feel sad. I want to go back to my nothing feeling.

[anne1707]

Of course you feel scared - everything is changing. You have some tough times ahead and it would be naive to pretend otherwise. Yet you know that what you have to do is for the best in the long run. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. If he has the nerve to blame you for what he has done, it will just prove how right you are to end this.

 

As for feeling nothing. That is very much the shock of what you have gone through over the past few days. You are human, you hurt now and that is the way it should be but you will get over this and be happier for it in the end.

 

 

(((hugs)))

[curiousnycgirl]

I completely understand why you would be scared, I would be scared too. Which is why you have to make sure first and foremost that you are safe. Personally my preference for you would be to change the locks while he's not there, and leave his stuff with someone else.

 

But that's me and I am a chicken, and am really bad at confrontation in my own defense, although I am really good at it when defending others.

 

I wish I could give you some wonderful words of wisdom, but I am at a loss. I really, really hope someone with more experience than I joins this thread to help you.

 

Meanwhile you are in my thoughts and prayers.

[Angel Pie]

Scared and now immence sadness. Back to work, Monday morning...Feeling like ****. My BlackBerry decides to not work, last night he gives me his to use until I get a loaner phone till mine is fixed. Also, he finally talks to me about the cell phone bill, what the original fight is over...fully willing to make payment arrangements. I go to work and Im dying inside...why couldnt he be this nice when we were together? Even his tone is different...Still yet no apology. I fight tears all day, everytime I leave my desk and go to the bathroom im fighting the tears. Also, I feel more angry, like, I cant control my temper. When I went to the cell phone place I was pleasant at first and then became irate. Even when my Blackberry stopped working last night, I felt so much anger. Its JUST a phone, its NOT the end of the world. I feel I have no control over my emotions right now. I feel lost. I feel sooooo heartbroken, my nose hurts, I feel frustrated. Then I come home now, and hes on his way to do a repair. Reminds me that he has lots of work coming up so money on his end wont be an issue. Says he will pick up cat food before he comes back. The kindness is killing me. I should be happy that its over. I should NOT feel this pain. I wish I could be like those kinds of people when someone does something bad to you, that you say **** it and let them go just as fast as they came. Maybe my life would be easier if I were like him, just not caring, push feelings aside.

[curiousnycgirl]

Maybe my life would be easier if I were like him, just not caring, push feelings aside.

 

All our lives would be easier if we could push our feelings aside. I choose to believe our empathy will make us happier people in the end.

 

I understand your sadness - but you are not sad to lose him, you are sad to lose what you think he could be and what he is periodically, perhaps even most of the time. However if he is physically abusive for even one minute of each year, then he is not good for you or any woman.

 

The fact that he then dissmisses what he's done and YOUR issue - then let's face it, he's an AZZHAT.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this, truly I am - but I cannot express how impressed I am with your strength and your ability to stick to your convictions. That is what will free you for a relationship that will bring you true love and satisfaction.

[Angel Pie]

All our lives would be easier if we could push our feelings aside. I choose to believe our empathy will make us happier people in the end.

 

I understand your sadness - but you are not sad to lose him, you are sad to lose what you think he could be and what he is periodically, perhaps even most of the time. However if he is physically abusive for even one minute of each year, then he is not good for you or any woman.

 

The fact that he then dissmisses what he's done and YOUR issue - then let's face it, he's an AZZHAT.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this, truly I am - but I cannot express how impressed I am with your strength and your ability to stick to your convictions. That is what will free you for a relationship that will bring you true love and satisfaction.

 

 

But my strength is diminishing. I really want an honest, loving, trusting, happy, fun relationship. I wanted it to be him. I wish that somehow he could be those things. Why is he being nice? He said he isnt ready to talk about it but maybe soon. Could he be trying to figure it out in his head? Why he has the rage sometimes? Why he hates women? Or does he really not care at all? I'm just feel so confused. I just want this pain to go away.

[sugarmomma]

But my strength is diminishing. I really want an honest, loving, trusting, happy, fun relationship. I wanted it to be him. I wish that somehow he could be those things. Why is he being nice? He said he isnt ready to talk about it but maybe soon. Could he be trying to figure it out in his head? Why he has the rage sometimes? Why he hates women? Or does he really not care at all? I'm just feel so confused. I just want this pain to go away.

 

 

YOU will never have a happy, honest, trusting, fun relationship with HIM. He is not that guy and never will be.

 

Even if he apologizes 500 times, it doesn't matter. He is a psychopath that is ruining YOU more every day and that is his primary purpose.

 

He is not even financially helping you and he has the nerve to be beating on you? I have been where you are and stayed for a long time.

 

NEVER AGAIN!!! He will hit you AGAIN. It may not happen for a long time but trust me, it will happen again.

 

I would have had his ass arrested so fast and wouldn't have thought twice about him, his job, his family, nothing.

 

I would have only been thinking about me and my own safety.

 

You sound like I did when I was abused- confused, bewildered, making excuses, blaming yourself etc. It is so predictable. He is not apologizing because he knows that that is something you need from him and GOD forbid he give you anything you need i.e. money for the phone bill.

 

These men are soul suckers and you have to take back control of your life.

[curiousnycgirl]

But my strength is diminishing. I really want an honest, loving, trusting, happy, fun relationship. I wanted it to be him. I wish that somehow he could be those things.

 

So you want him to be someone he isn't - why him? I suspect it's onlhy because he's the one that's there right now. Sorry not a good enough reason. Why not find THE guy who is the total package foryou?

 

 

Why is he being nice? He said he isnt ready to talk about it but maybe soon. Could he be trying to figure it out in his head? Why he has the rage sometimes? Why he hates women? Or does he really not care at all?

 

Whatever any of us say here would only be speculation. The reality is that ANYONE who is reduced to the level of physical violence is out of control. The fact that he then pooh poohs it as something you need to get used to is simply beyond the pale. He needs a lot more than a little self reflection - he needs deep, intense therapy - over time. Anything short of that is a pack of poop.

 

 

I'm just feel so confused. I just want this pain to go away.

 

I hate to be the one to break this to you - but it will hurt more before the pain actually goes away. But through that pain you will heal and grow and be ready for someone who is was better for you.

[Angel Pie]

Sugarmomma and curiousnycgirl-I know you are both right...I cant make him the guy for me. I know I have to look out for me or I will never be happy. I fell for him because I saw good in him and even now, I just want to see good in people, even him. I dont want to believe that he is evil...I talked to him tonight about what happened. It was awkward for him and he was figity and very uncomfortable, but I told him that I needed to talk. It was mainly me trying to get answers...Why? If he felt sorry at all, me trying to explain how hurt I was and how the things he has done in this relationship has hurt me tremendously...He doesnt deal well with confrontation, he closes right up. I dont know why I even tried. Its just that hes being so nice and its so hard for me to be nice back, to talk to him, to be around him. I wish he could understand how badly he hurt me. I think he knows im hurt, but he didnt say anything that made me feel any better. His im sorry wasnt very heartfelt...I mean, I chose this guy...I CHOSE THIS GUY! This was me...obviously there was something in me that wasnt right to attract this type of person. I didnt set boundaries. Im not saying this was my fault. I KNOW I didnt deserve this, but I chose this type of person to be with. I avoided the signs. It was me alone that put my wants and needs aside for what he could offer me. I wanted to talk to him to just settle in my mind that I didnt chose an evil heartless guy. I was hoping he would prove me wrong...he didnt. I think I really need to do some soul searching. I need to look at me and why I would chose this type of person. Why I dont set boundaries, why I forgive so easily. I need to focus on me. I need to be happy. Thank you so much for helping me through this. Thank you a million times.