Advice for Common Problem

[Michael]

Before posting this, I read some of the previous questions hoping to find someone with a similar problem. It seems that there are lots of guys out there who fall for their good friends after a period of time. That's the situation I'm in right now, but I think I need advice specific to the situation I'm in, so I'm going to be as complete as possible. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

I've known her for a little under a year now. We're both in college, and lived on the same dorm floor, so we really got to know each other well as time wore on. After getting to know her so well, I just started thinking that we could be something more, since we got along so well, had things in common, and looked at things in a similar way. So I started trying to be sensitive to signs that she might be starting to feel the same way. But any time we would do things together, things that boyfriends and girlfriends do all the time, I just couldn't read her. How did she look at our relationship?

 

And then there was the added problem of some guys she would meet during the year. I would have been able to forget about my feelings for her if she really got serious with any of them (meaning she never hooked up with them) So she's not really attached to anyone, but the fact remains that she's interested in these other guys, which I take to indicate she probably doesn't feel that way about me. Do I risk our friendship (which is great) for a relationship that I would very much want to have, because I can't stop thinking about it?

 

So that's my dilemma. I think, through the course of the time I've known her, if she's perceptive at all, that she's kind of picked up some of the signs I've given her. But since I haven't said anything, I can't be completely sure she knows. So I could tell her everything and hope for the best. Or I could just forget about it, and try to be just friends with her. Or, is there some way for me to change the way she feels about me, short of telling her how I feel about her, so she makes the first move? I don't know what to do, but I know, that I can't just cut her out of my life completely.

 

thanks, I'm sorry this took so long. By the way, I'm also really curious why guys have this problem more than girls. Or am I wrong?

[Randy]

You can't cut her out of your life completely because you are in love with her.

 

Your relationship with her is not an honest one and neither is the one with yourself. You are representing to her that you are her great friend when you truly want to be more and that feeling grows each day. You are trying to fool your own self by thinking that it would be OK to remain god friends if that's all it can be.

 

The fact is that your feelings are growing by the day and you do want more. You can barely stand the way it is now. You will simply not be able to handle it if she comes to you one day and introduces a guy she says she loves, starts kissing all over him in front of you, and asks for your blessing as a friend. That is not something you want.

 

You have no choice but to come clean with her. Just come right out and be honest with your feelings. You could start off lightly by hinting around with statements like, "if you were ever open to it, I think we would make a great couple" and see what her reaction is. Or you could take the more direct approach.

 

You have got to be ready for whatever happens. She will be honest with her feelings. If she has developed some romantic feelings for you, she will let you know. If not, hopefully both of you can be mature enough to deal with it. But if she hasn't developed some sort of romantic feelings for you by now, it is doubtful she can turn in that direction but not impossible.

 

If have found that, in general, if a relationship doesn't take on a romantic tone very early on, it seldom does later on. It can happen but not too often. Ladies have a tendency to classify men very quickly, putting men into the following categories: very high mate potential, moderately high mate potential, nice fling material, possible dating material but not mate material, likely overnighter, very close friend material, activity buddy material, or not a chance I want to have anything to do with this guy. Once you are classified, it's difficult, but not impossible, to move into a different category. It really depends on the lady.

 

This doesn't happen to ladies nearly as often because they are far more upfront and honest with their feelings. They don't hang around someone where they don't have a reasonable certainty that feelings are shared. They are smart enough not to put themselves through what you are putting yourself through.

 

Ladies are usually far more intuitive than men and can usually tell the direction a relationship will go very early on. Because of this women's intuition, my bet is that your friend already knows how you feel about her and has figured out how she will deal with it when you finally make a disclosure.

 

Don't get your hopes up too very high but by all means call the question. You owe it to yourself. Find out how she feels as soon as possible so you can get on with your life.

 

If you look at this really closely, the friendship with her is really great because you are in love with her. If the whole thing changes, the new dynamics could be highly rewarding or they could be devastating.

 

Having been in this identical situation a number of times, I can also tell you that certain ladies can pick up on your feelings and really take advantage of the situation. Don't let that happen to you.

[Somewhat Healed]

That was very clever Randy, please don't stop posting here

You can't cut her out of your life completely because you are in love with her. Your relationship with her is not an honest one and neither is the one with yourself. You are representing to her that you are her great friend when you truly want to be more and that feeling grows each day. You are trying to fool your own self by thinking that it would be OK to remain god friends if that's all it can be.

 

The fact is that your feelings are growing by the day and you do want more. You can barely stand the way it is now. You will simply not be able to handle it if she comes to you one day and introduces a guy she says she loves, starts kissing all over him in front of you, and asks for your blessing as a friend. That is not something you want. You have no choice but to come clean with her. Just come right out and be honest with your feelings. You could start off lightly by hinting around with statements like, "if you were ever open to it, I think we would make a great couple" and see what her reaction is. Or you could take the more direct approach. You have got to be ready for whatever happens. She will be honest with her feelings. If she has developed some romantic feelings for you, she will let you know. If not, hopefully both of you can be mature enough to deal with it. But if she hasn't developed some sort of romantic feelings for you by now, it is doubtful she can turn in that direction but not impossible. If have found that, in general, if a relationship doesn't take on a romantic tone very early on, it seldom does later on. It can happen but not too often. Ladies have a tendency to classify men very quickly, putting men into the following categories: very high mate potential, moderately high mate potential, nice fling material, possible dating material but not mate material, likely overnighter, very close friend material, activity buddy material, or not a chance I want to have anything to do with this guy. Once you are classified, it's difficult, but not impossible, to move into a different category. It really depends on the lady. This doesn't happen to ladies nearly as often because they are far more upfront and honest with their feelings. They don't hang around someone where they don't have a reasonable certainty that feelings are shared. They are smart enough not to put themselves through what you are putting yourself through. Ladies are usually far more intuitive than men and can usually tell the direction a relationship will go very early on. Because of this women's intuition, my bet is that your friend already knows how you feel about her and has figured out how she will deal with it when you finally make a disclosure. Don't get your hopes up too very high but by all means call the question. You owe it to yourself. Find out how she feels as soon as possible so you can get on with your life. If you look at this really closely, the friendship with her is really great because you are in love with her. If the whole thing changes, the new dynamics could be highly rewarding or they could be devastating. Having been in this identical situation a number of times, I can also tell you that certain ladies can pick up on your feelings and really take advantage of the situation. Don't let that happen to you.

[Taressa]

I agree with Randy's advice that you should tell her and find exactly what she feels as well. To continue acting on the friendship level would be somewhat deceptive now that your intention and desire really is to have something more.

 

Maybe Randy is right in that we (women) tend to intuitively categorize men in our lives. I'm one, however, who upgraded a wonderful man from a friendship to a give-love-a-chance category.

 

Two weeks ago today I translated a love poem for my friend and told him I was feeling something more. Unfortunately he didn't share my feelings. Fortunately, he was honest and didn't make me feel foolish. I've backed off the friendship a little, hoping he'll realize there was something more to our wonderful relationship than just platonic friendship. It's a chance I'm willing to take.

 

Guess it all boils down to the same for you: are you willing to risk the friendship for a chance at love? Can you remain friends if she says no? That could mean some eventual terrible hurt watching her someday love and marry another.

 

I'll be hoping the best for you. I'll be hoping for your love to be returned.

[Bluesman]

That was very clever Randy, please don't stop posting here

Yeah - stay with us, Master... uh... "R" ;-)