Love or Obsession...What do they see?

[Steve2usa]

I have a question and hopefully I can get both side of the story.

 

Why do they say you are obsessing over them, when all you are doing is trying to Love them?

 

What is it that they (Female/male) see differently than you do?

 

My ex said I was obsessing and not just showing Love, when in mind I know I Love her with all my heart and find her to be the soulmate I have always searched for. I did call her alot towards the end of the relationship because she was not returning my calls. I know this was inapropriate behavior on my part but a simple return call would have satisfied me. Now it's over and I had some issues that needed to be dealt with and when I contacted her after a few days she again said I was obsessive, when in fact I told her I was not and wanted to give her, her space but these issues needed to be dealt with ASAP.

 

I am becoming more confused every day because I still have not gotten a face to face reason as to why she left.

[HurtinginVA]

Why do they say you are obsessing over them, when all you are doing is trying to Love them?

 

Because they either 1)dont love you or 2) are trying NOT to love you

(no harshness intended, just putting it simply)

 

What is it that they (Female/male) see differently than you do?

The ex sees that they are an EX, while you may see that, you arent readily accepting it. That's where the views differ.

 

I am becoming more confused every day because I still have not gotten a face to face reason as to why she left.

 

Sounds like maybe it's time to take a break? Wanting an explanation ASAP is not giving her her space. If she is to the point where she is calling you obsessive ~ take as long of a break as your heart will allow before calling/emailing/texting whatever her. Sometimes (not saying this is the case here) people "get a kick out of" others needing them/wanting them etc........give her what she wants and see what she does then

 

Good Luck!

[mandrews1119]

Hey Guys!

Gee, Va. - thanks for that simple but poignant explanation. As usual, the sexes see differently - but I think your observation is right on!! I think most of us at some point see, feel, or know whether there is any love there or not, even if it isn't at a level we would want it to be. But the trying NOT to love you is the killer.!! That is when Mr. or Ms. Right Now, or Mr. and Ms. Rebound (your choice of which) or anyone that just isn't Y-O-U seems so great. It is when any contact becomes "obsession or stalking" on our part, Steve. My ex accused me of this and I am 1,000 miles (literally) away, and was returning a call to her at a time SHE asked me to call.! I think if she is in this stage, the pain is still too prevalent, too fresh or just still hurts too much to want contact or be clear. So all you can do is back off, and try to be patient which is often the hardest thing to do. If YOU have love still, it will be painful, but somehow doable. Hopefully, she will as I've seen in other posts, realize the grass isn't greener on the other side, and that the shiny penny she just found isn't all that shiny after all. If things go good for us Steve, maybe after some of the pain has subsided, she will reflect on the myriad amounts of good/great times the two of you had, and then be able - if not willing to try to work things out. Let us hope so. I understand though that at this point most of us guys have "gotten it" and are ready for the commitment, the change of attitude, or the growth and maturity she was seeking from us when things went bad - but we just have to wait until she is ready to see and experience the "new you" for herself. Hopefully there won't be too many mistakes made or more damage to your relationship while this is going on. You don't want to rush back into things (if you get the chance) too quickly without first making the changes (on both sides) needed to make it better than before. Thanks Va. for your insight, and Steve, I'm keeping the faith right with you.

[Steve2usa]

Because they either 1)dont love you or 2) are trying NOT to love you

 

I would say in my case it is #2 because the change happened in a matter of days and just prior to that she still loved me. I think by forcing herself to not love me is somehow her way of dealing with breaking it off.

 

The ex sees that they are an EX, while you may see that, you arent readily accepting it. That's where the views differ.

 

Does she really see it this way or is she forcing herself to see it this way. Either way the outcome for now is the same, however if someone is forcing themselves to think one way to just cope with a difficult situation instead of facing it head on, then they are fooling themselves as well.

 

Wanting an explanation ASAP is not giving her her space

 

The ASAP was in regards to personal affairs, in this case a vehicle accident in which she caused in my vehicle and we are being sued for. I assure you I am trying to keep these messages to her in the context of what the business is about and not our personal lives.

 

 

I do appreciate the insite from HurtinVA and Mandrews and I take all the responses I recieve and let them each sink in with great care. I do feel better knowing that this kind of support group is out there and wished it was there many years ago.

 

I hope others will post thier opinions on this matter, because it is something that does come up alot in the ending of relationships.

[mandrews1119]

Steve,

Call me stupid, but my take is that in most cases (especially LTR) that it is TRYING NOT TO LOVE YOU, or trying to prove to someone (friends, family, new date, etc.,etc.) that they are not still in love with you, or still in hurt over you, or the break-up. You know as well as I do that this can take many forms, even to being cruel to you, or refusing to try to work on things out of spite or the attempt to get back at you, or make you "feel some hurt"! As much as it hurts, I think that as the party that wants to reunite, that you have to bear this, let her vent, go through whatever she needs to heal or get to a point where contact can begin. The key is to be ready for that point. You know the drill; work on yourself to be a better person, try NOT to go crazy. This is the only point in which I have a firm faith IN fate and faith. You can't push it, for fear of driving her further away, so if it is to be - hopefully she will get to a point where something positive can transpire between the two of you, and take it from there. If the love was strong enough, and I believe in your case it is, she will make or allow you to contact her. Sometimes it takes a while, but if it is worth it, you already know that. In any case, if love is there, the heart will only allow you to go so far away, even withstanding either party trying to "move on" date others, etc., etc. The longest time I have seen or heard of a successful reunion has been seven years, so take hope. The trouble is (to me, anyway) - is that women seem to be more prone than men to stay in a rebound relationship trying to prove the " I'm over him" part longer than we do. If she can get past this and the other separating factors, I really feel that the desire to reunite is 75% of the struggle.!! and that there is a power and triumph in reuniti stronger after defeating a conflict or break-up. At least I hope that is what happens to you and me. Hang in there, I'll see you on another post.

[InLoKo]

Originally posted by Steve2usa

The ASAP was in regards to personal affairs, in this case a vehicle accident in which she caused in my vehicle and we are being sued for. I assure you I am trying to keep these messages to her in the context of what the business is about and not our personal lives.

 

There are no exceptions to the no contact rule. You're just making an amendment to suit your own purpose. If you are both being sued, let the lawyer contact her or mail her the correspondence she needs, or let a friend or family member inform her. There is no need for you to do it.

[Arabess]

Steve2usa

 

HurtinginVA is absolutely correct. Obsessing is when you DON'T MOVE ON....but continue to smother someone with love they don't wish to receive. Reading between the lines, thinking they love you even when they say they don't, convincing yourself they DO love you, but don't know it in their own heart......becomes the obsession scenario from hell. It'll drive you crazy and get you nowhere!

 

If someone tells you that you are being obsessive......they are a breath away from calling you a stalker.

 

It's hard, DAMN HARD, to accept the fact someone simply doesn't want you in their life anymore...or not in the capacity it once was. It makes you feel like everything you believed in was a great big lie. The more you think about it....the less you can comprehend it.

 

The ONLY thing you can do....is pull the little dignity you have left together....and move along. At first, it seems impossible....but in time.....you'll find a new path and possibly even a greater love.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting this way. I've been there and wish it on no one. It's a horrible feeling. I can assure you though.....you'll make it to the other side.

 

Arabess

[Nexa]

I would just like to comment on your question, hopefully this how I am understanding it,

 

first i can't even begin to understand how someone you love could even get an idea in their head that you are obsessing over them when all you are trying to do is contact them and let them know how you feel. A person who cares very much about about somebody cannot change their feeling overnight and just forget about the person the love.

 

 

hopefully i was not that much off, but that's what if feel and think about that

[Nexa]

Wow Arabess, you hit the nail on the head! I still stick to what I said, however if in the case that Arabess explained it seems so horriable but very true!!!

[Steve2usa]

I guess to put things into perspective I need to let you know that in my case, I did obsessivly call her in the last couple days of our relationship. I do know that this behavior, although ment with no ill intentions, may have been the nail in the coffin for her to break up. I was only trying to get her to communicate with me because she seemed to be closing herself off. I know as well as everyone else does that if you cannot communicate about problems then disaster looms large. In my case I screwed up, I forgot my own wisdom and allowed my need to talk with her to dominate my actions.

 

I know she does still have love there for me, and I know that by not contacting her now, that she will be able to breath and think about what was bothering her right before the breakup.

 

And yes, sometimes contact is unavoidable. In my case it was a brief message to tell her the information she needed to know about the lawsuit (we have no lawyers ourselves), and left it at that and did not bring up any other situation. And believe me, it hurt me more than it did her.

[mandrews1119]

Hello everyone,

As with most else in love, there are no absolutes. Each situation is different. I agree with Arabess that certain behaviors are offensive to the person not wishing to receive the "love" - and caution must be taken to stay far away from the stalker/obsessed labeling. It is hard to learn to "back off" - I am dealing with that myself. However, that does not count in all scenarios. Some people simply really need "no contact" for a period because of the hurt, and stresses of the relationship. There are also differences between long term and other relationships, and all the dynamics aren't the same, so no one rule applies. Sometimes the leaving party WANTS to know you are still thinking of/in love with them, sometimes that contact whether it is a random one, or reminders, or an offer to reconcile or work things out are all that is necessary to begin the process of reuniting. I was accused of "bad behavior" when SHE ASKED ME TO CALL at a prearranged time! Go figure. And as posted on another thread, often when going through this stage women (moreso than men it seems) are trying to convince themselves they are not in love with you, and therefore contact at this stage may not be good, or be misinterpreted.

 

By the same token, a person who has been/is in love with you may have the capacity to understand that you are not stalking them, but honestly trying to work things out and try to make them better. As I said, each case is unique. I believe the person left has an obligation to stand up on their feet and continue to live (or try to - smile!) and function, no matter how hard. That does not include offensive behavior. How many posts have we seen where the party who left was glad the other party kept in contact, or gave them the benefit of knowing what was going on? Sometimes that is the factor that reunites them. Sometimes knowing the things the other party is going through in their absens is the thingthat wakes them up, you never know. And how do we account for the amount of people who DO get back together BECAUSE of contact?

 

My point is, all cases are not alike. You must use your own judgement, and follow your own lights. Try not smother, obsess, or be offensive. Try to work on the things that you did wrong, and improve yourself. Be READY if the time comes to make contact, or whatever else. If nothing else, even making the occasional contact (unless things were terribly bad, who DOESN'T want to know they are loved and thought of?) if need be. If the time comes, be prepared. The least that will happen is you will have been honest and realistic about things and become a better person in the process, the most is you may have a chance at reuniting. Sometimes this process can take months or years, so you must commit to the process and to doing as much good and right as you can. We have seen on this site folks who have reunited after long periods of time. After all, is not part of love hope? Give time and space their way, if she really loves you, she will find a way for you to know that more often than not.