Need for Chaos

[Boundary Problem]

I thought if we established trust, love and faith - we would be ready for the future. Nope. New problem.

 

He has a need for chaos. It was a constant part of his upbringing and he must continue to have it in his life or he can't rest. He must have chaos in his life.

 

But how is that need for chaos balanced when children must have stability?

 

I've been reading about a famous writer who has a similar temperament to HIM. And the writer was faithful to his wife for decades (and she to him). However they were constantly out of money. If the writer got money his wife spent it or he drank it or both. They were constantly being evicted. He bounced from job to job.

 

So the writer's children changed schools almost every 6 months. The writer wrote at home in a chair on the kitchen table amonst the chaos of the small apartment. His wife never said 'no' we aren't moving again. His wife never jealously guarded the family finances to ensure security. She kept saying "you've been doing this to me for 20 years" when his friend would bring him home drunk out of his mind.

 

The writer's children grew up to be non-functioning, emotionally cripped and miserable.

 

So the writer and his wife loved each other (warts and all) but they failed as parents. And they were so selfish that the writer actually wanted more chidren and family friends were horrified because they weren't even properly raising the ones they had.

 

So what to do.....

 

HIM is talking chaos by

1. denying my needs - which makes me flip out

2. speculating that he is gay (false)

3. talking about couple swapping (no way)

4. talking about secretly cheating (how to get divorced 101)

 

So he has sorted out trust (he can tell me anything), he has sorted out love (I have no doubt he loves me) and he has faith (this is recent, but he does now have faith in me).

 

So now he has to sort out a reasonable way to feed his need for chaos, without disrupting my peace of mind and ruining the children's lives.

 

I'm pretty open about him sleeping with other people in a controlled and agreed fashion. And I could possibly be talked into sleeping with other people, but that is not my first choice.

 

But let's see what he comes up with.

[JustLooking123]

So now he has to sort out a reasonable way to feed his need for chaos, without disrupting my peace of mind and ruining the children's lives.

 

I'm pretty open about him sleeping with other people in a controlled and agreed fashion. And I could possibly be talked into sleeping with other people, but that is not my first choice.

 

But let's see what he comes up with.

 

Or he could find a good therapist???!?

[Ronni_W]

He has a need for chaos. ... he must continue to have it in his life or he can't rest. He must have chaos in his life.

Accepting that at face value. Does he know what he is actually getting out of 'chaos'? Specifically, not just "because that is my normal." What are the mental, emotional, physical and/or spiritual benefits that he derives from 'chaos' and what other activities does his instinct tell him to try, to experience the same?

 

...without disrupting my peace of mind and ruining the children's lives.

I'm pretty open about him sleeping with other people in a controlled and agreed fashion. And I could possibly be talked into sleeping with other people, but that is not my first choice.

 

BP, do you want or need someone to ask you to reflect upon what you're doing or thinking about doing?