EricaH329 Posted February 22, 2010 Share Posted February 22, 2010 I have heard people on here say that their SO left them because they didn't love them anymore. My question is: How is that possible? I understand when people aren't in love anymore, and just simply love the other person. But I cannot grasp the concept that someone who was once in love with another person, no longer loves them at all. Isn't love supposed to be unconditional? Isn't it supposed to last forever? I'm not talking about relationships that fail due to the fact that even though the two people love eachother, they cannot seem to work out their issues. I know that relationships take much more than love in order to work. It's sort of been lingering in my mind for awhile, and I can't seem to figure it out. Any thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted February 22, 2010 Share Posted February 22, 2010 I have heard people on here say that their SO left them because they didn't love them anymore. My question is: How is that possible? I understand when people aren't in love anymore, and just simply love the other person. But I cannot grasp the concept that someone who was once in love with another person, no longer loves them at all. Isn't love supposed to be unconditional? Isn't it supposed to last forever? I'm not talking about relationships that fail due to the fact that even though the two people love eachother, they cannot seem to work out their issues. I know that relationships take much more than love in order to work. It's sort of been lingering in my mind for awhile, and I can't seem to figure it out. Any thoughts? Because people, especially those that are young or haven't been in very many relationships, often associate "love" with the chemical feelings they get from a new relationship. When people leave the honeymoon phase, these feelings dissipate, and this point becomes a big crossroad for all relationships. Some individuals feel that they are no longer "in love" with their partner and will leave them because they crave the chemical feelings again. That's why you'll see a lot of people that rack up lots of relationships that last around 6 months or so. They don't understand what really makes a lasting lifelong relationship with another person. So to answer your question, these people "fell out of love" with the partner because they don't know what real love was...or never truly fell in love to begin with... Link to post Share on other sites
Author EricaH329 Posted February 22, 2010 Author Share Posted February 22, 2010 So to answer your question, these people "fell out of love" with the partner because they don't know what real love was...or never truly fell in love to begin with... That's exactly what I was thinking. Link to post Share on other sites
twhisperer Posted February 22, 2010 Share Posted February 22, 2010 (edited) Because people, especially those that are young or haven't been in very many relationships, often associate "love" with the chemical feelings they get from a new relationship. When people leave the honeymoon phase, these feelings dissipate, and this point becomes a big crossroad for all relationships. Some individuals feel that they are no longer "in love" with their partner and will leave them because they crave the chemical feelings again. That's why you'll see a lot of people that rack up lots of relationships that last around 6 months or so. They don't understand what really makes a lasting lifelong relationship with another person. So to answer your question, these people "fell out of love" with the partner because they don't know what real love was...or never truly fell in love to begin with... This is very true. It's one thing to talk about commitment, but unless you've actually been in a committed relationship for an extended period of time, you don't really have a sense of what actual "love" is. To stand by the person, to support them and cherish them, it takes work like anything else. All we can do is try not to begrudge someone over it, because everyone has their own limitations. Edited February 22, 2010 by twhisperer spelling Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted February 22, 2010 Share Posted February 22, 2010 Love is conditional and no, it doesn't last forever if it's not being fueled. As an extreme example of such, you fall in love with someone treats you like crap or physically/emotionally abuses you. Sooner or later, you're not going to love them anymore. If love was unconditional, we would all fall in love with our first loves and stay together with them, for the rest of our lives, since unconditional love means that no matter how they treat us, we'd stay with them. Most of us have some forms of self-protection mechanisms like self-esteem, which reacts, when we're not treated the way we need, in order to feel loved. Link to post Share on other sites
Author EricaH329 Posted February 22, 2010 Author Share Posted February 22, 2010 If love was unconditional, we would all fall in love with our first loves and stay together with them, for the rest of our lives, since unconditional love means that no matter how they treat us, we'd stay with them. Most of us have some forms of self-protection mechanisms like self-esteem, which reacts, when we're not treated the way we need, in order to feel loved. This I do not believe. I believe that you are able to love someone and know that a relationship with them will not work. For example (like I used originally) a marriage can fall apart not because one no longer loves the other, but because together they are not right. The love is still there, though. Takes a lot more than love to be able to sustain a healthy relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
skydiveaddict Posted February 22, 2010 Share Posted February 22, 2010 I have heard people on here say that their SO left them because they didn't love them anymore. My question is: How is that possible? If you ever find the answer, would you let me know? Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted February 22, 2010 Share Posted February 22, 2010 This I do not believe. I believe that you are able to love someone and know that a relationship with them will not work. For example (like I used originally) a marriage can fall apart not because one no longer loves the other, but because together they are not right. The love is still there, though. Takes a lot more than love to be able to sustain a healthy relationship.I know for fact, that I no longer love the men I was once in love with, for all kinds of reasons. I also no longer love my first husband, albeit have a strange kind of affection for him, mixed in with a bit of pity. Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted February 22, 2010 Share Posted February 22, 2010 I know with my ex, the differences between us that seemed like nothing at first became important, at least to me. I loved him but you need more than the simple fact of love to fuel your relationship and as I matured, and he didn't really , I became unhappy with what I was getting from him and my feelings changed. It wasn't his fault but people change, what satisfies you at one point rarely will continue to do so forever if you are just plain not right for each other. Which if it ends, is clearly the issue. Link to post Share on other sites
deux ex machina Posted February 22, 2010 Share Posted February 22, 2010 ...If love was unconditional, we would all fall in love with our first loves and stay together with them, for the rest of our lives, since unconditional love means that no matter how they treat us, we'd stay with them. Most of us have some forms of self-protection mechanisms like self-esteem, which reacts, when we're not treated the way we need, in order to feel loved. I agree. ---------- I've been in truly in love twice, and both of those times it died out because it wasn't being nurtured. Each for reasons of it's own - in the first instance, it was a lack of courage on my part, and in the last, although it ran deeper than that, it was almost as if I was paying penance for the first on some level - but sooner or later, if someone treats you in a negative way long enough, something inside you won't allow yourself to feel vulnerable enough to love them fully anymore. What isn't getting nurtured dies eventually. Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted February 22, 2010 Share Posted February 22, 2010 I have heard people on here say that their SO left them because they didn't love them anymore. My question is: How is that possible? I understand when people aren't in love anymore, and just simply love the other person. But I cannot grasp the concept that someone who was once in love with another person, no longer loves them at all. Isn't love supposed to be unconditional? Isn't it supposed to last forever? I'm not talking about relationships that fail due to the fact that even though the two people love eachother, they cannot seem to work out their issues. I know that relationships take much more than love in order to work. It's sort of been lingering in my mind for awhile, and I can't seem to figure it out. Any thoughts? People who say that are usually those who misrepresented themselves in the beginning, and/or who just want some way to reach toward the other person and HURT them in the present. People who say "I don't love you anymore" are also the sorts who don't/can't really ***connect*** with others emotionally just like there are people who cannot connect mentally with the sign at the grocery store which says: "regular price = 2/for $6.00... ON SALE for $2.99 each" before they purchase a whole cartload of that item. Now in all fairness, SOME are rendered unable to truly ***connect*** in the way that two healthy people can and should expect to connect with one another, for reasons of past abuses of various sorts (mostly in early childhood). But y'know what... most of those people are in charge of themselves during adulthood, and YOU don't need to invest yourself in them when it involves extra *risk* for your emotional investments just because THEY have yet to process their past in preparation for their future. In some ways that is akin to an alcoholic eyeing a pretty girl and willing himself to stay sober for long enough to both bed her, and to woo her to a point of emotional attachment. He's still an alcoholic, and the pretty girl is still making a generally-unsound emotional investment. The longer I live, the more I sense that (significant) ABUSE runs rampant through families and society, and two people who have never known significant abuse of any sort live by a different set of relationship rules than do those couples in which one or both have been significantly abused in the distant past. I don't know what it means to the whole human race when/that the abuse survivors tend to be attracted to other abuse survivors for the long haul, and the never-significantly-abused tend to be attracted to one another as well. IF abuse were like oh, say, the loss of a limb or the loss of eyesight, and it wouldn't be expected to 'run' in families, then this sort of evolution wouldn't cause dire expectations. Unfortunately those who were abused as children probably learned parenting from those not-so-great examples, and they're fighting uphill odds to keep their kids from knowing the same fate. Translation of all of this: "Go ahead and maintain your belief and hope that people in your future will not fall out of love" Link to post Share on other sites
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