Taking criticism better (and learning from it)

[bobjameson]

Hi everyone,

 

My friend described me as personable (+) and "can seem arrogant and self-centered" (-). He said that he didn't think that I was either of those (-) things but that I could come across as it. I have been stressing about it ever since. I truly don't try to act arrogantly (and there is no difference, IMHO between acting arrogant and being arrogant). I realize now that I will, for example, make really sarcastic/joking comments about being great at this or that. And when someone makes me angry (eg. a girl cheating on me, etc.), I tend to say terrible things about them (a habit that I'm trying to drop). The problem is that if I were to do these things, I'd lose a lot of what makes me unique--I'm fun/funny to be around in part because of these things. I asked my friend to help me stop and he said that I shouldn't because they are not flaws but "quirks." Another friend (a girl, even) agreed and said that she loves that I am so "honest." I guess I don't feel the same way; the worst feeling in the world to me has always been that I have made someone else feel bad and the second worst is feeling disliked by anyone. And I just worry that I am turning everyone off with my behaviour. I should also add though--for the record--that if almost everyone dislikes someone (almost anyone, really), I will automatically stand up for the person. Anyhow, then I feel self-centered for even worrying about it and wanting to improve. Any advice?

 

Thanks a lot!

[Ronni_W]

Why not ask your friends for specific examples of when you've come across as arrogant or self-centered? [because] I'm not sure that the two examples you used are actually examples of arrogance or self-centeredness. Neither is striving for self-improvement and standing up for those who genuinely need it. (Making wrong assumptions that others are too weak to defend themselves is, though.)

 

If you really are great at doing something, there is nothing wrong with just saying that in a normal, matter-of-fact way...as long as it is in appropriate context. But truth is, other than as a preface to offering help or service, there are not many genuine chances to talk about being "great at this or that" in social settings...even if you are couching it as a "joke".

 

To me, trash-talking an ex is also not self-centered or arrogant. Examples would be if you mainly talk about yourself, turn every other conversation back onto you, keep yourself the centre of attention, want to get your own way in terms of the 'when, what and where' your group's socializing.

 

I agree with you that arrogance and self-centeredness are not the type of "quirks" one wants to be known for...so there really ought be no concern about eliminating these "unique" qualities of yours (if, in fact, you are indulging them.) They are not positive, anyway, so why cling to them?

 

You must have OTHER unique qualities that put you in a more favourable light -- why not cultivate and role-model those, instead? (You could ask your friends, if you need help identifying them.)

 

EDIT to add: Your friends did not actually "criticize" you. They gave you feedback on how you come across...and it sounds as if you may have solicited their opinions. But even if not, helpful feedback given kindly is not "criticism".

Edited February 22, 2010 by Ronni_W

[bobjameson]

Thanks Ronni,

You are correct; I wanted the criticism--I am striving for self-improvement as I go through the job search process.

 

Here is my problem as I try to implement some of this advice. I'm on an academic team that has to qualify to compete (only 3/10 teams from our school will be allowed to compete). My team will almost certainly qualify, and I would make joking comments like "look at us! of course we'll qualify." or "we're the best (random aspect of competition) ever." So then I stop making comments like that, due to said advice (advice-givers were on the team as well). Everyone else on my team and the other teams that are likely to qualify start making serious comments (i.e. they'll screw up a question and say "oh well, we're going to qualify anyways" or another team will solve a problem and a teammate will say "problem X is easy if they can solve it"). I ask them to stop and they're like "you're the last person I would expect to say that." and later "why are you so depressed today; go back to normal!" My friends also say that they don't think that I actually am really very arrogant (if at all); it's just that people who don't know me might think I am. However, the things that might make me seem arrogant to others are apparently one of the things that makes me fun to be around... He also said that I always make a joke about being the best at everything that I do, but am always joking...This should be a fairly easy thing to stop doing though wihtout anyone thinking twice.

[Ronni_W]

Ah, okay.

What I'm getting is that you've been trying to motivate and inspire your team. (Is that right?) If so, maybe Google "how to motivate a team", "how to be an effective coach", "inspiring excellence", "how to be a good leader", "leadership skills" -- whatever related/relevant terms you can think of.

 

So then I stop making comments like that, due to said advice (advice-givers were on the team as well)

Bob, you're still responsible for using your own intellect and instincts to analyze the feedback you get, make your own assessments, and then make your own free will decisions and choices about what changes you want to implement and how you're going to do that.

 

In this case, you may consider explaining your goal (to motivate) and ask your teammates how THEY prefer to be motivated. Then you take that into account, apply your unique qualities, 'style' and brand of humour, and become a more effective coach. (When you work with other teams, you'd do the same thing -- find out what works for them, and then adapt how you do things...but always staying true to your uniqueness.)

 

Everyone else on my team and the other teams that are likely to qualify start making serious comments (i.e. they'll screw up a question and say "oh well, we're going to qualify anyways" or another team will solve a problem and a teammate will say "problem X is easy if they can solve it"). I ask them to stop

Okay. So that sounds as if it's how THEY are hoping to motivate and inspire their respective team; that is THEIR unique way of doing it. Why do you ask them to stop?

 

and later "why are you so depressed today; go back to normal!"

Well, it's up to you to say, "I'm not depressed...I'm just taking a backseat to give the rest of you a chance in the 'coaching chair'." Or you could say, "I'm not depressed...I'm just unsure of what role you guys want be to play as far as being a motivational force so I'm just hanging back and trying to learn something."

And also you'd be wise to say, "Just cos I'm not acting the clown/ham does NOT mean I'm depressed, guys...there are many more aspects to me than just comedy! Like you, I'm multi-faceted not just a one-note instrument."

 

it's just that people who don't know me might think I am. However, the things that might make me seem arrogant to others are apparently one of the things that makes me fun to be around

Truth and reality is that not every single person who meets you is going to 'get' you and like you. To me, part of personal development is learning to accept that fact because, if you don't just accept it, then you're forever going to be trying on different "personalities" and changing yourself to suit others...instead of just being the best 'Authentic You' that you can be. Which is the 'You' that your family and friends know, appreciate and love, in any case.

 

He also said that I always make a joke about being the best at everything that I do, but am always joking

Like I said before, I don't see any need to joke about our strengths, gifts, talents and skills. To me, that not only minimizes our good stuff but also can come across as insecurity. When self-promotion is necessary and appropriate (for the situation), just state your positive qualities with confidence.

 

Maybe you want to start saying, "I'm very good at <whatever>" instead of "I'm the best." Such a small change can make all the difference. Or, "I think I'm pretty good at" or, "I'm confident in my ability to".

 

"I'm the best" is probably not accurate, anyway...and it does come across as arrogant-ignorant. Which, 'arrogant and ignorant' generally is a (dysfunctional) attempt to mask low self-esteem, insecurity, and lack of self-confidence.

 

BTW, congrats for the work you're doing. It takes confidence and courage to ask for feedback from your peers, and it's great that you're willing to hear what they're saying and make the adjustments that you feel are necessary to grow into the person that you aspire to be.

 

Wishing you good luck and great success