My husband's emotional affair is a nightmare for me (correct version)

[Ahell]

It's been a while since I found out by overhearing a telephone conversation that my husband has been having an affair with one of his collegues.

 

I've talked to him and he says he still loves me and he doesn't want a divorce because the children need a family but he feels in love with this other woman who is also married, with 2 little boys and apparently loves her husband.

 

I feel so desperate. He doesn't want me to see me crying and he doesn't want me to tell our parents because more people will get hurt.

 

This is too painful to go through it alone. He has hurt me so much and hasn't even apologised because he says he hasn't done anything wrong.

 

He wasn't looking for anybody. It just happened...and he wants to continue having his family and his mistress (who is an excellent scientist). He has been hiding the truth- not lying and he thinks there is a big difference! And he also says they have few opportunities of seeing each other because of their work schedules and families. But the phone bills have proof that he calls her 4-5 times a day.

 

How can anything be the same now that I know? I feel like 21 years of my life I've been living with a stranger.

 

Can anything good come out of a situation like this?

 

He said that if we get to know each other we will like each other and that if we were mormons or muslims we could all live happily ever after, in a big house for 7 (I guess her husband would just disappear miraculusly) The really bad thing is that on Sunday they are both flying to Europe for a course.

 

Now it's one thing hurting someone without their knowledge and another to do it in front of their eyes...

 

It is the worst mid-life crisis he could ever have. Because he has been in this situation for so long in the summer he had a cyst removed that was as big as a plum - he thought it could be cancer- so he decided all these things by himself.He wants everything. A huge career, a happy family and an elegant mistress.

 

I told him that the situation resembles a bad pimple of acne. You ve just got to squeeze it, to eliminate it. I can forgive what he has done so far but I cannot forgive his future deeds.

 

He said he can't live like this anymore. He needs to focus on his job because he has many responsibilities and that he needs to come home to a serene environment and if I can't get over it and handle the situation it would make him get away. I think he is relieved now that he has no reason to lie or as he says hide the truth. He said he found a new friend and that I shouldn't act possessively or feel jealous because he needs to feel free, to have time for himself...He is infatuated, he admires her so much... Nothing I say will make him change his mind. He says he doesn't want a divorce now because he has't stop caring about us but if this goes on what will happen in the future? I want to save my marriage but he won't see a councellor or a priest. I 'm the only one who feels the concequences of his actions.How can we go on pretending we have a healthy marriage? How can he act lovingly towards me and then go on a trip with her? And what drives me even more crazy is that he takes no protection!!! Now we are at least 4 in bed, because heaven knows what her husband is doing behind her back???? It's like a nightmare. I can't think of anything else.

 

I've been surfing on the net and the average time an affair last is 2 years!! A mid life crisis may last 10!!

 

I married my husband for better , for worse , in sickness and in health till death do us part. I want to win him back but I know it's going to take long and it's going to be hard. But after this storm the calmness will be so soothing.

 

I don't believe an ultimatum is a good idea because it may make him leave altogether

 

But if this happens I will also give him the kids so he can try to be both mother and father to them!

 

I 'll see them at weekends and we'll have all the fun. We'llsee if he can manage work, kids and mistress!!!

 

He counts on me being there for the kids but I 've had enough of them . Let him deal with adolescence! He'll come begging!

 

He wants to let time pass and see what happens. He says that his family and carreer are his priorities but he is not willing to choose between her and me. He wants to continue being a collegue and a friend to her and is asking me to support him and create a calm environment for him! He said you can't just stop loving a person. He insists that it did not surprise him to fall in love after 21 years , that it is natural to love 2 people at the same time and that I SHOULD FEEL LUCKY she is an educated, mature, lovable person and not a whore or homewrecker. because she wants to keep her family safe as well. If this isn't insanity then tell me what is? My life is worse than a soap opera right now.

 

I have called her at home in an attempt to learn from her sth more, she agreed to meet but then got scared her hudband might figure it out and told my husband who got furious about me doing that. He says we are both imature and can't meet yet!

 

The scary thing is that she is in love too and doesn't want to let go. I don't think she is a home wrecker at all. If she were my husband wouldn't have anything to do with her. He could have had anyone he wished. The temptations were all around him. This started out as work, became friendship and got out of hand, they realised it , maybe fought against it, succumpt, I found out and now they have to face the situation. Believe me, they are not having fun at all.They keep thinking of all the people who might get hurt .

 

I have to win my husband back. It's like we have had a sea voyage with minor problems so far and now we are facing the biggest storm of all. I can't simply quit the ship. I have to fight and bring it to the port. And when it is all over I will be standing on deck.

 

Any ideas on how I can make this happen?

[oneheart]

OH MY GOD!

 

This man is treating you SO badly it's unbelievable. BUT you are letting him treat you this way by not showing him it is not acceptable. That is what you need to do. You need a plan to leave. I'm not saying that you have to divorce him, maybe one day you can work it out, but I really think you should start making a plan to go and then once that's in place tell him and tell him why you're going and what YOUR conidtions are.

 

I would be hurting so much if I was you I just could not stay. Impossible.

 

If you want to do this quickly I would find a relationship counsellor and go on your own at first to talk this through to explore the situation thoroughly esp because of the kids.

 

*hug* I really feel for you. Now it's time to be strong.....

[angie2443]

I have to win my husband back. It's like we have had a sea voyage with minor problems so far and now we are facing the biggest storm of all. I can't simply quit the ship. I have to fight and bring it to the port. And when it is all over I will be standing on deck.

 

Any ideas on how I can make this happen?

 

You are not going to win him back by taking his abuse. Some of the things he is doing and saying to you are just cruel. From what I've seen around here, the only way you have a chance is to talk to a divorce lawyer. You need to know where you stand. Show him you will not live with the treatment he is giving to you. You need to take care of yourself now and get your ducks lined up in a row to protect yourself from his actions. I wish you luck.

 

By the way, his relationship with the OW did not "just happen".

[LucreziaBorgia]

Two things need to happen for your life to even have a hope of getting back on track.

 

1. HER HUSBAND NEEDS TO KNOW: he needs to know everything you said here, plus any other information you have on their affair

2. He needs to know that 'having OW' = 'you will divorce him' PERIOD.

3. You need some serious counseling to undo some of this emotional abuse he has hit you with.

 

As it is, he will not stop for altruistic reasons - not for your benefit, not for your children's benefit. Affairs end for two reasons: one or both affair people ends it for their own benefits, or the affair is forced to end.

 

I'd be on the horn with a lawyer ASAP. Get the lawyer to write up a divorce settlement that gives you the maximum in alimony and child support, plus whatever he would have to pay to maintain your current status. Get the lawyer to calculate what the total cost would be to him over the course of say... ten years. Then write that number down. It will be HUGE.

 

Take that paper to your husband and tell him that this is the cost of his affair. Then hand him the divorce papers and demand a divorce, and tell him that since he loves the OW so much that he can go live with her and her husband. Tell him that you want him out, NOW.

 

I think you'll see that such an ultimatum will not make him leave. On the contrary. He'll be pissing his pants with the effort he will put forth to stay married. The OW will likely be history, if you are serious enough and if you have told her husband what is going on. Faced with the very real loss of his family, and the loss of his lifestyle in general you will see just how much he "loves" the OW.

 

Once the affair is broken, then and ONLY then can you even hope to get your marriage back to some fixed capacity.

 

If he does leave, then what really would you be missing? A man who loved someone else's wife so much that he would ditch his family like garbage? You'd still be living the way you and your children deserve to live. He'd be the one having to struggle because of his poor decisions.

[scatterd]

I caught my husband talking on the phone hiding down stairs with a woman at work. go see an attorney then tell him its you and the kids plus counsiling or her.Call her husband tell him whats going on.You will continue to be walked on if you dont.Dont let him call all the shots who does he think he is.You and your kids deserve much better.My husband picked me and begged me not to divorice.And has been doing any thing he can to help me trust him again.sounds like his same lines to.Let her husband know see how long it lasts let your husband be mad.He will get over it if he does not why would you want to live like that.Im sorry for you I know how bad it hurts but your going to hurt worse watching this.I bet he could not get anyone he wants sounds like he has a swollen head.I hope you are okay sweety no one should have to feel this pain what happened to morals and caring.This upset me to hear you let him do that to you are worth so much more then you know how would he feel if you did it.Oh I remember do it takes the guilt away.You will be fine Let him move out and lose it all really go to an attorney.good luck;)

[scatterd]

Im sorry here again.I have been thinking and this is really odd how he is putting this so much in the open.The fact you are his wife and he acts as though its nothing.He seems to be one sided and in trance.He is acting completely whacked.Im wondering why this is exceptable at all.He claims hes doing nothing wrong but he does not want anyone to know because it would hurt other poeple but its okay to hurt you.Why is the OW not wanting her husband to know but this is so open with you.It just seems as they are playing you the fool.Why does she not tell her husband if its all normal and good.HE is making my head spin I bet yours really is.Had you noticed any changes before this?This woman should be more scared then she is thats all the more reason to call.I bet it ends once he knows.He is playing you please dont let him he knows you are a soft soul and he is taking advantage of your good nature.He is doing wrong and needs a wake up call.An attorney will tell you your rights and boy he will not like the outcome of it.Who wants men that cheat in front of you you can find that anywhere bars,curbs and so on.Ha ha

fight for pease in your kids and your lifes its not all about him.I wish I could help you but I hope you listen to people here they have heard it all and know alot.Hugs:bunny::bunny:

[PhoenixRise]

Ahell

 

You will NEVER get what you want by reacting out of fear.

 

If you base your actions- what you do- who you tell- how you react on your fear that your H will leave you, then HE will continue to control the entire situation and you will just have to swallow what he dishes out.

 

The sooner you accept the facts on the ground the better off you will be. Right now you don't have anything even resembling the kind of M that would make you happy. AND your H is not willing to change anything. He is telling you that he wants and intends to have the status quo. He is happy with the way things are.

 

If you don't make it clear that you will NOT tolerate this treatment this is what your life will be. There will always be this or another OW in the picture. It will be this way as long as you base your decisions on your fear of your H leaving.

 

You should stop doing things that make your H life easier.

 

Tell the OW's H about the affair and share with him any proof you have. Let this OW focus her time on keeping HER M and life from blowing up.

 

Tell you and your H's friends and family about the affair. Why on earth should you suffer in silence and alone with no support? Let your family and friends help you. AND if your H is so sure that he is doing nothing wrong then let him explain it to your friends and family.

 

See and retain an excellent Lawyer. Even if you don't divorce it will help you greatly to know what you would be entitled to in a settlement.

 

If he insists that he needs and deserves a "Big Love" kind of situation and this is not acceptable to you then YOU kick him out. Tell him he is going to need a different wife for this kind of scenario to work. If you don't stand up for yourself and assert what YOU need then you will be stuck with this semi polygamous situation that you Don't want.

 

Your Husband is only going to treat you as well as you treat yourself. You set the standards for what you will or will not accept in your life.

If you show up as a powerful woman in your own life, willing to stand up and demand the kind of treatment you want and deserve then MAYBE your H will wake the hell up and try to repair the damage he has done to your marriage. But even if he doesn't, you will be on your way to a much happier life.

 

You will get nowhere if you react out of fear.

 

Good Luck

[Ahell]

I think I should let you know that my husband has treated me and the kids wonderfully for all those years we 've been together. He still devotes most of his free time to us. We do things together , laugh , travel and have an active sexual life (even more active after he became honest about his reationship)

Ive also talked about this with my father (who is a wonderful man and thinks of him like a son) and gave me some useful piece of advice. He told me 3 things

1st divorce creates more problems

2nd passion wears out quickly.

3rd try and accept the fact that for a little while your husband will be in love with two women, try to see her through 'loving eyes'

and also advised me to take care of myself, do sth creative

which I think I did

Now everyone compliments me. Friends we see in the street or invite at home, my students even my husband! although he doesn't openly admit it.

We had a formal work dinner last month and the OW was there with her husband. I invited them to sit next to me and whispered at her how sad I felt about everything that had happened. She reassured me that nothing harmful has taken place and she was really intimate with her husband.

I felt so in control!!!

I wish I could have talked to her more. Maybe she would make things more clear.

I should mention that we knew each other before that and that we both thought we could have been best friends (that's howw much we used to like each other)

[Jeff1962]

I would not put up with this type of treatment from anyone.

 

I would tell my wife that she has a choice to make. One will involve keeping her lover and the other will involve losing me.

[scatterd]

I do not understand how anyone would say thats ok but if he is able to do as he pleases whats the point.Are you ok? Im just wondering.any way good luck sister may god be with you!You have alot more in you then I could except.

Edited February 22, 2010 by scatterd

[scatterd]

Alot has happened in such a short time.

[PhoenixRise]

I think I should let you know that my husband has treated me and the kids wonderfully for all those years we 've been together. He still devotes most of his free time to us. We do things together , laugh , travel and have an active sexual life (even more active after he became honest about his reationship)

Ive also talked about this with my father (who is a wonderful man and thinks of him like a son) and gave me some useful piece of advice. He told me 3 things

1st divorce creates more problems

2nd passion wears out quickly.

3rd try and accept the fact that for a little while your husband will be in love with two women, try to see her through 'loving eyes'

and also advised me to take care of myself, do sth creative

which I think I did

Now everyone compliments me. Friends we see in the street or invite at home, my students even my husband! although he doesn't openly admit it.

We had a formal work dinner last month and the OW was there with her husband. I invited them to sit next to me and whispered at her how sad I felt about everything that had happened. She reassured me that nothing harmful has taken place and she was really intimate with her husband.

I felt so in control!!!

I wish I could have talked to her more. Maybe she would make things more clear.

I should mention that we knew each other before that and that we both thought we could have been best friends (that's howw much we used to like each other)

 

 

OK

 

So in your first post you say this situation is a nightmare and you are very upset that your H wants to have both you and OW in his life and you don't like it that he just wants you to accept this. AND you are determined to win him back.

 

THEN a few hours later you come back and say your H is really a great guy and you feel in control of things and you are ok with the fact that for the time being H will just be in love with 2 women.

 

AND your user name is AHell.

 

OK

 

If you are ok with the status quo then it is all good. Right?

 

Best of luck to you.

[bentnotbroken]

If you lay down like a rug, he will walk on you. I know. Been there done that, got a t-shirt. Don't share anything else with OW(especially your feelings) she isn't your friend and your H isn't looking out for your best interest. As others have suggested, lawyer then counselor. You are in for a world of additional pain if you continue on this track.

[angie2443]

OK

 

So in your first post you say this situation is a nightmare and you are very upset that your H wants to have both you and OW in his life and you don't like it that he just wants you to accept this. AND you are determined to win him back.

 

THEN a few hours later you come back and say your H is really a great guy and you feel in control of things and you are ok with the fact that for the time being H will just be in love with 2 women.

 

AND your user name is AHell.

 

.

 

This does seem kind of odd. OP, why the change?

[mmlf1988]

Ask him,

 

1. From his intellectual and mature mind, how long this relationship should go on?

 

2. Does this OW really like him or just use him for companionship?

 

3. Is it okay for you to have an affair as well?

[Confused4Now]

Ask him,

 

1. From his intellectual and mature mind, how long this relationship should go on?

 

2. Does this OW really like him or just use him for companionship?

 

3. Is it okay for you to have an affair as well?

 

This was the question I'd post to him for sure. Wow guys are so amazing to think he can have the best of both worlds.....

[Ahell]

It may seem as if I have changed my opinion -state of mind in just a few hours but that's exactly how I ve been feeling.

My mood changes from hour to hour.

One moment I 'm OK the next I'm jealous. One day I 'm confident, the next I'm desperate.THAT'S WHY I describe it as a nightmare.

He has tried his best to help me by saying that my life should not be affected by his other relationship and he tries to prove this by behaving nicely as a family man should.

If you knew him you would never believe that he has put me through this.

He has spent his entire life saving the lives of other people but every day I keep wondering if he can save our life together.

[Ahell]

A is for surname initial

HELL is four first letters of name

I thought it was such a coincidence that she is putting me through hell!!!

[PhoenixRise]

I get it that your emotions are all over the place.

 

Immediately after I discovered my H's affair my emotions swung wildly from one extreme to the other.

 

But I never once tried to convince myself it was ok for him to keep the affair and the marriage. I know for sure that is not the kind of relationship that would work for me.

 

If it works for you.....fine. I agree with some of the other posters that you should tell him YOU will be seeking companionship outside the M to fill in for when he is off with his OW. What is your plan? Are you going to continue to take care of the kids and house so that he can devote time to an OW? "Big Love" for everybody, not just your H.

 

Is there any way you can get away from home, husband, and children for a few days? Maybe you need some time to yourself without the pressure of your H's influence to decide what you really want out of your life. Because this is not just about your marriage, this is about your life and how you will live it.

 

Decide for yourself if you are really ok with this arraignment that your H wants for the M. If it is and you can be happy with the situation, fine. If it is not ok then don't pretend that it is.

 

AND Bentnotbroken offered you some great advice that you should take no matter what you decide to do about your Marriage. Do not mistake this OW for your friend. She does not have your best interest at heart. She is in love with your husband. SHE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND. Don't confide in her.

 

AND understand that as great as your H might have been in the past, right now, he does not have your best interest at heart either.

[Ahell]

My plan is to give him time.

Time for his passion to subside.

If he were ill I would stick through his illness and help him get well.

Being in love resembles so much being sick.

And whatever you say to a person who is in love with someone else is of no use. He won't hear logic.

Time for our family to win him back , one step at a time.

I told him he is free to stay or go.

He chose to stay. So that 's a point for me

I told him I WILL NOT BE A DOORMAT or a surrendered wife.

I asked him to love me, care about me and show that to me.

I confessed I NO LONGER WANT US TO HURT EACH OTHER AND FIGHT.

But I made it clear that if he accepts that we will continue together side by side.

I see signs that he is trying. For one thing the phone bill shows a decrease in the number of phone calls. He is calmer and seems happier.

I know it's hard for him. BOTH OF THEM are ambitious and SHARE THE SAME WORK dreams and they can't change jobs. He sees her only at work.

But I do have a deadline in mind. If by that time things have not changed I will tell her husband and see what happens.

[Brokenlady]

Ahell,

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like your H has no empathy at all. It seems to me that he is gambling that you are desperate enough to allow him to keep both of you. And he will, for as long as you let him. You sound terribly upset at the idea that he will leave. IMO, you wouldn't be losing much. He isn't treating you well and he has the enormous cahonays to ask for your blessing to have an ongoing affair! You can't make him stop having an affair, but you can make it harder for him by telling her husband. Frankly though- this guy isn't worth the effort. He isn't showing the slightest respect for you or your feelings. You sound overwhelmed.

 

Is there some anger towards your children too - why is that? I strongly hope that you get counseling at least for yourself. And please give some thought to protecting yourself physically. Since he's intent on continuing to sleep with you both, and you sound inclined to allow that for now, please take care of yourself.

Edited February 22, 2010 by Brokenlady

[dazzle22]

Your cheating husband has brainwashed you very effectively so that he can have his cake and eat it too.

[mmlf1988]

One more thing, you may check up for STD. Just in case.

[LucreziaBorgia]

My plan is to give him time.

Time for his passion to subside.

If he were ill I would stick through his illness and help him get well.

Being in love resembles so much being sick.

And whatever you say to a person who is in love with someone else is of no use. He won't hear logic.

Time for our family to win him back , one step at a time.

I told him he is free to stay or go.

He chose to stay. So that 's a point for me

I told him I WILL NOT BE A DOORMAT or a surrendered wife.

I asked him to love me, care about me and show that to me.

I confessed I NO LONGER WANT US TO HURT EACH OTHER AND FIGHT.

But I made it clear that if he accepts that we will continue together side by side.

I see signs that he is trying. For one thing the phone bill shows a decrease in the number of phone calls. He is calmer and seems happier.

I know it's hard for him. BOTH OF THEM are ambitious and SHARE THE SAME WORK dreams and they can't change jobs. He sees her only at work.

But I do have a deadline in mind. If by that time things have not changed I will tell her husband and see what happens.

 

He isn't decreasing things with OW. He is simply getting better at hiding them so that you will not continue to bug him about the affair. People don't end affairs for someone else's sake. He won't end it until he is forced to. I"m not sure why you would give him any time to 'change' - it is evident that the only change he will make will be one that will convince you that he has or will 'end' things. I'd be telling her husband YESTERDAY. And please, whatever you do - DO NOT tell him that you are going to tell her husband. If you do, they will simply come up with a story to gaslight him.

[mimidarlin]

Ahell....please see a lawyer. Hit him with a reality check in a nice calm way. You seem like you're trying to approach this in as calm a manner as possible. Good for you. Try to empower yourself...know what you are entitled to...pamper yourself and demand counseling. The comment he made about this being fine if your family was mormon or muslim is a big red flag for me. That statement tells me he sees no harm in his actions. He fully expects you to accept the situation.

 

It seems you don't want to lose your husband and I don't judge your choice. But you might be losing yourself in this process. Go for counseling on your own and hopefully as a couple. You need to think through your choices very carefully. They need to be your choices and not based on advice from your family or Loveshack. We can offer suggestions but you have to live with the decisions.

 

Be strong. Be true.