My husband's emotional affair is a nightmare for me (correct version)

[scatterd]

Seems to not fit .Why so hurt at first and love her today.I almost think OW and OM fishing this is crazy iv gone through this and it hurts no exceptance of it from OW at all.Does not make any since I would have alot more to say too.

Why the change each time?

[Ahell]

I have always liked her as a person and I suspect that it was my husband who dragged her into this mess.

I 'm not mad at her. I'm mad at him. For allowing this to happen. If you ask me I know that deep down it hurts her more than it does me.

I've been there. Ok when I was very young and it was not pleasant to be between 2 men. But I did make a choice to be with one of them only.

Why can't he choose?

I will not make it easy for him to throw him out of the house and hand him divorce papers. If he wishes he can do that on his own.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Why can't he choose?

 

He did choose. He chose to keep both of you. You allowed him the choices of 'either/or' and 'both'. Why are you surprised that he chose 'both'?

 

he would not feel threatened or jealous. I n fact when we were on our first year he let me spend the weekend with my ex boyfriend-first love and has never asked me how it went...

 

This alone tells me that he will never choose 'just you' of his own volition.

Edited February 26, 2010 by LucreziaBorgia

[scatterd]

You are the OW

[scatterd]

Guys their is not pain listen who would ok that,I think troll.

[KikiW]

I have always liked her as a person and I suspect that it was my husband who dragged her into this mess.

I 'm not mad at her. I'm mad at him. For allowing this to happen. If you ask me I know that deep down it hurts her more than it does me.

I've been there. Ok when I was very young and it was not pleasant to be between 2 men. But I did make a choice to be with one of them only.

Why can't he choose?

I will not make it easy for him to throw him out of the house and hand him divorce papers. If he wishes he can do that on his own.

 

As Lucrezia said, he can't choose because he doesn't have to. You are allowing him to have his cake and eat it too. YOU are allowing this continue. It may not be your fault that he wandered, but it sure as hell will be if you sit on your rear end, wring your hands, and hope he chooses you over this other woman. Time to solidify your spine and demand the respect you deserve. He won't give it to you when you act like "oh well, hopefully he'll come around. Until then I will sit here and eat scraps." You're being a doormat, and until you gather your inner strength you will always be a doormat. And how many people respect a doormat? They can feel sorry for one, but that's about it.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Guys their is not pain listen who would ok that,I think troll.

 

I dunno, could be legit. I have seen a few threads on MB before that were like this - taking the 'Plan A' approach and not attempting to end or expose the affair.

[scatterd]

I read this over and over again it just surprizes me I cant put my finger on it.Is this possible?To bounce could it be not wanting to cope?

Edited February 26, 2010 by scatterd

[Barky]

Just divorce him already. I'm all for dudes sleeping with tons of chicks but I don't think they should get married if that's what they want to do.

[Ahell]

 

Can I trust my husband's emotional affair 'friend'?

 

A few months ago I discovered my husband's emotional affair with one of his collegues. After confronting him about it he admitted being in love with her but feeling trapped because she has a family and he doesn't want a divorce either.He has stopped calling her but they still work together.

Last Thursday my husband had a professional dinner where he was supposed to go without me. His consultant's wife called a few minutes before he set off to ask him whether I would be accompagning him so he reluctantly asked me if i would. I said maybe and he left because he wanted to be on time. I got ready in 5 min. and left the house taking my own car and hoping to meet her at the restaurant. Something was telling me that she would also be there.

I wasn't wrong. We greeted each other politely and sat face to face! After dinner I realised she hadn't taken her car so I offered her a lift!!! to her home.

Leaving my hubby flabbergasted behind! We were almost there when I asked her if she were over '' it.''...She asked what did I mean...Nothing bad had happened. I told her that he had said some pretty disturbing things to me and that I knew about the phonecalls...She said he had blown everything out of proportion.

We were talking for two hours in the car. She admited admiring and loving him but assured me that I had nothing to fear. She said she had no intention of hurting anyone. She doesn't want to ruin her family or mine. She wants to help him become a consultant in a few months time and she wants me to create a loving home environment for him so he can be calm and focused on his work. She said that he loves me and the kids very much and when I am not OK this influences him badly.

During all that time I felt so weird... I could feel the love inside the car expanding and affecting me. She caressed my hair and held my hand like a sister would if I had one. I felt she was sincere. She told me about her hubby and family and her job and how she admires the qualities I have which she doesn't.

I told her I don't feel threatened by her but that I felt scared for her because it felt like K was going crazy. She said she can't imagine leaving her peaceful relationship for a rollercoaster.

I told her he wants me to see her as a friend

In the end she expressed her wish to be friends and go out together. She hugged me and kissed me goodbye, telling me I could phone her anytime and said she was glad we finally talked.

I can't stop thinking about that meeting. Is it possible that such good people exist?

I really think he is sooooo lucky to have fallen in love with such an amazing woman...but he is even luckier to have such a wife!!!

i'm thinking of giving her a chance to earn my trust and friendship. I know it is a very weird way of beginning a friendship but I really think we can make it work. What do you think?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Is it possible that such good people exist?

 

Hahah... no. I've been in her place and I did exactly what she did: told her what she wanted to hear so that I could continue sleeping with her SO and not have to worry about her rocking the boat with my own SO. She does not care about you. She cares about being able to have your husband without hers finding out. That means 'keeping you sweet'.

 

I'm sorry that you can't or won't see this for what it is. Since you don't want to do anything you will have to find a way to cope with the idea that your husband is seeing another woman. You wouldn't be the first wife to 'look the other way' and certainly won't be the last. As long as you can find some sort of happiness for yourself in all this mess, you can manage to hang in there. Your husband will not leave you, that much is clear but he will continue to see the OW for as long as they feel like seeing each other. Neither of them will stop for your sake - not for the sake of you being his wife, not for the sake of her being your "friend". Affairs don't end for altruistic reasons. They only end when they are forced to end.

 

when I am not OK this influences him badly

 

Wow. Not even I would have said that at my meanest moments, and I've been known to say some mean things.

 

Remember this, for you will look back on this eventually and wish you had taken it to heart:

 

She is not truly your friend, nor will she ever be.

Edited May 31, 2010 by LucreziaBorgia

[whichwayisup]

A few months ago I discovered my husband's emotional affair with one of his collegues. After confronting him about it he admitted being in love with her but feeling trapped because she has a family and he doesn't want a divorce either.He has stopped calling her but they still work together.

Wrong. He is still very involved with her. He's lying (and so is she) and omitting truths from you.

 

Last Thursday my husband had a professional dinner where he was supposed to go without me. His consultant's wife called a few minutes before he set off to ask him whether I would be accompagning him so he reluctantly asked me if i would. I said maybe and he left because he wanted to be on time. I got ready in 5 min. and left the house taking my own car and hoping to meet her at the restaurant. Something was telling me that she would also be there.

I wasn't wrong.

 

Always listen to your gut.

 

We greeted each other politely and sat face to face! After dinner I realised she hadn't taken her car so I offered her a lift!!! to her home.

Leaving my hubby flabbergasted behind!

 

He was probably close to crapping his pants... You, his wife, alone with the OW..

 

We were almost there when I asked her if she were over '' it.''...She asked what did I mean...Nothing bad had happened. I told her that he had said some pretty disturbing things to me and that I knew about the phonecalls...She said he had blown everything out of proportion.

 

She's lying to you and covering for him.

 

We were talking for two hours in the car. She admited admiring and loving him but assured me that I had nothing to fear. She said she had no intention of hurting anyone. She doesn't want to ruin her family or mine.

Does HER husband approve of their so-called "friendship" and is HE aware that his wife has feelings for another man? My guess is no. Or if he does know, he's not happy about it!

 

She wants to help him become a consultant in a few months time and she wants me to create a loving home environment for him so he can be calm and focused on his work.

 

How bloody condosending is that? W...T...F.. She has balls to say that to you!! :sick:

 

She said that he loves me and the kids very much and when I am not OK this influences him badly.

 

Aww, how sweet of her to be concerned about you and YOUR children.

 

SHE IS having an affair with him. She's protective of him and I cannot believe she's telling you this crap. If I were you, I'd go talk to her husband and repeat this conversation to him. He has the right to know that your husband and his wife are 'close' and advise eachother on what's best in their personal lives.

 

During all that time I felt so weird... I could feel the love inside the car expanding and affecting me. She caressed my hair and held my hand like a sister would if I had one. I felt she was sincere. She told me about her hubby and family and her job and how she admires the qualities I have which she doesn't.

 

Sorry, this is just plain creepy. Maybe I'm completely wrong here, but there's something very wrong with this picture.

 

How to solve it? ALL of you get together for dinner and see how everyone reacts sitting together and talking. Watch him, watch her - reactions, their energy between them..

 

I told her I don't feel threatened by her but that I felt scared for her because it felt like K was going crazy. She said she can't imagine leaving her peaceful relationship for a rollercoaster.

I told her he wants me to see her as a friend

 

If he meant this, why are you just meeting her now?

 

They may not be phyiscal together, but emotionally they are and have been bonding ... That's not good because he's relying on HER, not you. It will kill off his intimate and close feelings he has for you.

 

Sorry, but this friendship has to end, it's not healthy and it's going to do alot of damage.

 

In the end she expressed her wish to be friends and go out together. She hugged me and kissed me goodbye, telling me I could phone her anytime and said she was glad we finally talked.

I can't stop thinking about that meeting. Is it possible that such good people exist?

I really think he is sooooo lucky to have fallen in love with such an amazing woman...but he is even luckier to have such a wife!!!

i'm thinking of giving her a chance to earn my trust and friendship. I know it is a very weird way of beginning a friendship but I really think we can make it work. What do you think?

 

IF this is goign to happen, her husband HAS to be involved too.

 

Has your H met her H?

 

Anyway, this could go either way, but it's creepy to read this stuff. Sorry, just my 2 cents..

[Star727]

Your husband came clean to you because he wants you to be okay with him having feelings for another woman. He wants to be able to do what he wants, since you know now - and its okay with you.

 

This affair will never end until WH and OW get tired of each other. And the worst part, now that you know and are doing nothing about it, once this affair ends, he will feel free to start up with someone else. His cheating will never end because you are letting it happen.

 

Once I found about about my WH's 10 year EA with a fellow coworker who I called a "friend", my WH tried to make light of it, that they only talked on the phone about current events and never their relationships, that she's the best friend he's ever had and he wanted to keep her as a friend. I told him he could be all the friend she will ever need once he's divorced. It took him 2 years to get that woman out of his system.

 

I told him to quit assuming I'm stupid enough to fall for any of his bullshyt reasons for trying to stay in that relationship. I wasnt buying "we never had sex", "we are just really good friends", "she understands me", etc. I said to "understand this - if you want to talk/be with her that badly, you need to do it as a single man".

 

Your husband is playing you big time. Been there, done that. It is a hurtful situation. What really makes it hurtful is that your husband swore to God and whoever was at your wedding that he will "forsake all others". He lied to God and you. Don't let him keep doing that. Its not right. He's not suppose to have another woman in his mind - EVER. Only you. And if he can't do that, then he needs to be single and give you a chance at the happiness you deserve.

 

"Sometimes things happen to you because God has something better for you".

[Ahell]

We all know each other and because of work commitments we meet at dinners where other collegues are also present. None of us can change jobs. Also our kids go to the same school and we live in the same neighborhood.

Sometimes she doesn't come to the dinners bc of her 2 little boys. I just had a hunch she would be there because in January we met for New Year's and had a little talk so she felt she could trust me.

I told her I had called her home hoping that her hubby would answer but they had all left for work. I guess she felt relieved about that.

I am planning to meet her again soon and ask her more questions, maybe tape that to have some proof . What do you think?

[CakeEatersWife]

I'm sorry. They've been stringing you along for while now.

 

My H has had many EA. I've heard the same load of crap from my H for the last 30 years. Most of them have run their course. One I did threaten to call the OW's H and show him the fax that OW sent at 2:30 am to our home wanting to be the "first" to wish H happy birthday.

 

You're nothing more than the help. You keep his house, take care of his kids, probably buy the gifts, grocery shop, make appointments, pay bills? Your a great assistant for him. But you're not enough. He wants more or it wouldn't have "just happened".

 

You can stay in that lousy one-sided marriage if you want. I did because I knew if I divorced my H, our children would suffer. He was a pretty neglectful father anyway, always putting work and rescuing damsels in distress before me and our children. We had the added bonus that he was guilty tied to his parents' apron strings, and we had to dance to their tune day and night.

 

My H is just starting a new EA, which is why I'm here. Because I have to help him take care of his widowed mother, I'm not sure how far he will take his EA. I know he desperately wants me to go out of town for a few days to visit my family or to see our son where he is working as a camp counselor down South. He was going to use the funeral of a friend's mother as an excuse to get to NYC to see OW, whom he claims he has never met face to face. That I know is an absolute lie. We were in NYC in January so I could meet with a vendor of mine. He said he had a client to meet, too. He acts very strange the entire day after his "client meeting". When the charge bill comes, I see that his lunch cost $120, supposedly for 3 people. I asked him about it and he says oh, yes, everything was so expensive. I looked the restaurant website, and the lunch menu was normal; about $15 per entree. No, I figure there were 4 for lunch, and one of those was OW that I wasn't supposed to know about. The next thing, he accidentally emails me a weblink for a website that show he and she are business partners in a publishing business. WTF !! He bull****ted he way out of that, too, with excuses and that he shut didn't plan for it to be live and was going to shut it down. I asked him, how can you start a business with someone you've never met, who doesn't live in the same city that you do and that you know absolutely nothing about. She's a very nice and honest person, he says. How do you know that? She calls him 4-5 times a day, evidently, so now I know the EA is in full swing. She is about 10 years younger than I am, single and has a teenage son. I guess she is successful in a personal coaching business and I am sure H really admires that.

 

I'm at the point that I wish he would just leave. I know the only reason he doesn't is because of his elderly mother, and that is why he keeps hanging on to me. I work for him, do the books, keep the house, cook dinner and have his mother over every single evening, the laundry, the bills, the taxes, the everything. If I died tomorrow, he would be utterly lost. But that doesn't stop him from being a "Cake Eater". I do blame myself for being an enabler because I let him get away with always turning it around and saying I was crazy, or insecure and how sick he was of always being accused falsely (even when I had physical proof right in front of me!!). But now the kids are gone and I don't care.

 

The love I had for him is gone. I don't even like him anymore. I'm so burned out from that relationship, I don't even want another one.

 

I'm just waiting to see what happens when MIL passes away and he is "free".

Edited June 4, 2010 by CakeEatersWife
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[califnan]

CEW .. Your story is painful .. I regret so much your living it .. Somehow, I think one of the main reasons why women put up with this treatment is for financial reasons..

 

I hope someday, you will be able to make a break for it .. Read the LS stories, you will receive strength..

[White Flower]

How bloody condosending is that? W...T...F.. She has balls to say that to you!! :sick:

 

I haven't read the past few pages but I've read enough. She is SO gaslighting you! Do NOT trust this woman!!! I am the OW and I am telling you NOT to trust this woman.

 

MM was a serial cheater. He had someone in his past that did exactly what this OW is doing to you: she is GAINING YOUR TRUST. It is evil and it will RUIN your sense of intuition. The ONLY way I can see this working is IF you tell her H everything you know and pull him in on the eye contact spying. I'm not saying I am any better than her, but I couldn't do what she is doing to you. That is a DOUBLE BETRAYAL and not just him breaking his vows to you. She is now dishonoring your (new) friendship and breaking that kind of trust with you. She is doing it knowingly and in advance. You will never win this game unless you bring in her H. Trust me on this.

 

 

IF this is goign to happen, her husband HAS to be involved too.

 

Totally agreed.

[White Flower]

We all know each other and because of work commitments we meet at dinners where other collegues are also present. None of us can change jobs. Also our kids go to the same school and we live in the same neighborhood.

Sometimes she doesn't come to the dinners bc of her 2 little boys. I just had a hunch she would be there because in January we met for New Year's and had a little talk so she felt she could trust me.

I told her I had called her home hoping that her hubby would answer but they had all left for work. I guess she felt relieved about that.

I am planning to meet her again soon and ask her more questions, maybe tape that to have some proof . What do you think?

I just highlighted what MM's exOW and he had in common. Their A lasted nearly a quarter of a century.

 

One mistake MM did was sign a contract with that OW which made a breakup nearly impossible. If he ended it she would threaten to tell of the A. It became nasty and that is why it lasted so long. I have proof if anyone challenges me but I won't share it of course.

 

Your H is trying to become a consultant and appears to need the help of OW in order to do it. Whatever he does, try to ensure all contracts are drawn within the company and not ever between themselves even if they simply buy a car together for business. You may never get rid of her in that instance. Things like this do happen and when they do it becomes ugly.

[SummerLady]

Ive also talked about this with my father (who is a wonderful man and thinks of him like a son) and gave me some useful piece of advice. He told me 3 things

1st divorce creates more problems

2nd passion wears out quickly.

3rd try and accept the fact that for a little while your husband will be in love with two women, try to see her through 'loving eyes'

QUOTE]

 

 

Wow!! Your father is sexist beyond belief! "Accept the fact that your husband will be in love with two women!" Huh? Is it me, or is this the worst advice I have ever heard?? I wouldn't give that advice to my worst enemy..Holy SHT%^!! I thought I heard it all. I don't mean to sound harsh but your father besides being sexist doesn't want to deal with you getting a divorce for whatever reason(s) ie-you will need support emotionally maybe financially, it put the family through a lot of stress ect. Your husband has zero respect for you. This woman as well is and will never be a true friend. You sat next to her and had a nice conversation, really? I can't imagine why the 2 of you can't be friends?? UGH..Remember ignorance is NOT bliss. Do you own sneakers? If not go buy some and run away, real fast.

[bittersweet memories]

I just highlighted what MM's exOW and he had in common. Their A lasted nearly a quarter of a century.

 

One mistake MM did was sign a contract with that OW which made a breakup nearly impossible. If he ended it she would threaten to tell of the A. It became nasty and that is why it lasted so long. I have proof if anyone challenges me but I won't share it of course.

 

Your H is trying to become a consultant and appears to need the help of OW in order to do it. Whatever he does, try to ensure all contracts are drawn within the company and not ever between themselves even if they simply buy a car together for business. You may never get rid of her in that instance. Things like this do happen and when they do it becomes ugly.

 

Man, your MM signs contracts left and right when it comes to woman... doesn't he?

 

Sounds familiar..the same excuse he's used about his wife, now he's used about his OW... yeah right!!! BOLONEY

[fooled once]

 

Can I trust my husband's emotional affair 'friend'?

 

A few months ago I discovered my husband's emotional affair with one of his collegues. After confronting him about it he admitted being in love with her but feeling trapped because she has a family and he doesn't want a divorce either.He has stopped calling her but they still work together.

Last Thursday my husband had a professional dinner where he was supposed to go without me. His consultant's wife called a few minutes before he set off to ask him whether I would be accompagning him so he reluctantly asked me if i would. I said maybe and he left because he wanted to be on time. I got ready in 5 min. and left the house taking my own car and hoping to meet her at the restaurant. Something was telling me that she would also be there.

I wasn't wrong. We greeted each other politely and sat face to face! After dinner I realised she hadn't taken her car so I offered her a lift!!! to her home.

Leaving my hubby flabbergasted behind! We were almost there when I asked her if she were over '' it.''...She asked what did I mean...Nothing bad had happened. I told her that he had said some pretty disturbing things to me and that I knew about the phonecalls...She said he had blown everything out of proportion.

We were talking for two hours in the car. She admited admiring and loving him but assured me that I had nothing to fear. She said she had no intention of hurting anyone. She doesn't want to ruin her family or mine. She wants to help him become a consultant in a few months time and she wants me to create a loving home environment for him so he can be calm and focused on his work. She said that he loves me and the kids very much and when I am not OK this influences him badly.

During all that time I felt so weird... I could feel the love inside the car expanding and affecting me. She caressed my hair and held my hand like a sister would if I had one. I felt she was sincere. She told me about her hubby and family and her job and how she admires the qualities I have which she doesn't.

I told her I don't feel threatened by her but that I felt scared for her because it felt like K was going crazy. She said she can't imagine leaving her peaceful relationship for a rollercoaster.

I told her he wants me to see her as a friend

In the end she expressed her wish to be friends and go out together. She hugged me and kissed me goodbye, telling me I could phone her anytime and said she was glad we finally talked.

I can't stop thinking about that meeting. Is it possible that such good people exist?

I really think he is sooooo lucky to have fallen in love with such an amazing woman...but he is even luckier to have such a wife!!!

i'm thinking of giving her a chance to earn my trust and friendship. I know it is a very weird way of beginning a friendship but I really think we can make it work. What do you think?

 

Man, they both have you so snowed.....

 

How about inviting her husband to lunch/dinner and letting HIM know what is going on?

 

I really don't believe this story--this is too much. One person can't be THAT guillable, can they?

 

She and your H are screwing each other - at work and wherever else they go together. And they have you believing they aren't doing anything LOL

 

Go ahead and keep burying your head in the sand. You are an OW's dream BS -- because you are NOT seeing what is in front of you. Why was your H so mad you had called her before?

 

You are allowing your H to emotionally abuse you - he has the BEST of both worlds - AND he has his mistress telling his wife to make sure the home life is nice and calm for the husband. This isn't the 1950's anymore.

 

Sorry, but if you continue to allow all this -- then don't cry or be upset if she winds up pregnant with his kid OR when they DO leave their spouses and end up together. You are giving them both the go ahead to continue the affair.

[luname84]

#1-the first thing you need to do is call her husband. you wouln't want to be in the dark about this betrayal and by not saying anything you are aiding it. The poor man deserves to know what is going on!you may not have started this but it should end with you.

#2- i can tell that you are a religious woman.That is very good since you will have your church to help through this.So if he doesn't want to see a therapist go on your own because you need professional help.

#3-Don't close your eyes now that they have been opened.You are clingging to the religious vow you made to be with him for better or for worse. But the bible also says that if a partner cheats then a divorce is ok. The bible also says "do not covet thy neighbors wife" for it is a sin.The bible also says to not link yourself with sinners, for that will lead you into sin your self. Open your eyes,this is NOT what god wants from you.What he is doing is a sin and if you help him keep it up, you will be sinning too.

#3-you spent this whole post stating what he says and what he feels about the issue.bu what about you?you deserve a voice too so SPEAK UP!

#4-I'm sorry but the only way past this is divorce. you can't keep this up, everyday that you spend with him, you die a little bit inside.Everyday you deminish yourself more and more.You need to leave before there is nothing left. You made vows to him. But the day you were born you made vows to you too.To be with you for better or for worse,to respect yourself and to love yourself until death due you part.The most important relationship you will ever have is with you.Don't worry about failing your husband, you made bigger and more important vows to yourself.

there is one thing you need to understand HE WILL NOT CHANGE,HE WILL NOT LEAVE HER and there is NOTHING-NOTHING you can do or say to change that.But you are not helpless!

you can stand up for you, you can leave. NO you did not fail,since you are not the one who broke your vows.Honestly do you think would God want you allow your husband to have a mistress?do you think God so cruel,that you think he wants you to stay and contribute to the sin?because make no mistake about it,if you don't kick this situation out of your life you are inviting it in.you are helping it, and you are loosing whatever little dignity you had.

Don't let him tell you how wonderful she is! show him how wonderful you are by LEAVING with dignity and pride.

the choice is up to you.but know this:

If you stay, little by little you will loose yourself and your self-respect 'till there is nothing left.He will not respect you because you do not repect yourself. And soon you will stop beeing his wife and start beeing nothing more then his personal house keeper.

You know the truth now, you can choose a better life for you.Don't worry about the money, you get yourself a lawyer(which will paid for with his money at the end of the trial) and since he cheated YOU WILL GET EVERYTHING! you will get, the kids,the house, the money, the change for a better life and most importantly you will have kept your self-repect.

You are not helpless. you have the power to choose.Now pass that power to her husband, let him decide if he want to stay with her or leave.please-please if you do nothing else, do the one thing and call him.

[White Flower]

Man, your MM signs contracts left and right when it comes to woman... doesn't he?

 

Sounds familiar..the same excuse he's used about his wife, now he's used about his OW... yeah right!!! BOLONEY

I wouldn't write about it nor talk about it if I didn't have proof. But you can believe what you want; it doesn't really matter to me.

 

What matters is what Ahell can take from the example. I hope she works her way through all of this given the lemons she's been dealt.

[Ahell]

I followed Lucretiaborgia's advice and told her husband. He is the sweetest most caring husband and father I have ever met. He is as calm as she had described him to be. But all this made him hurt sooo much.He thanked me for going to him and letting him know.

The same day he went home ,saw the e-mails ,confronted her, she swore to him there had been no PA.

He believes her and asked her to stop all contact and innappropriate behavior and she aggreed.

The next day she confronted my H and he came home sad and quiet.

Three days later he asked me to try and be his wife!!! and took all of us to a spa resort...

After going back to work though he put 2 and 2 together and realised it was me who told him he became so mad at me he left the house for 3 hours. I didn't know if he would come back...

He has but he is still quiet and profoundly sad

[BlackLovely]

Two things need to happen for your life to even have a hope of getting back on track.

 

1. HER HUSBAND NEEDS TO KNOW: he needs to know everything you said here, plus any other information you have on their affair

2. He needs to know that 'having OW' = 'you will divorce him' PERIOD.

3. You need some serious counseling to undo some of this emotional abuse he has hit you with.

 

As it is, he will not stop for altruistic reasons - not for your benefit, not for your children's benefit. Affairs end for two reasons: one or both affair people ends it for their own benefits, or the affair is forced to end.

 

I'd be on the horn with a lawyer ASAP. Get the lawyer to write up a divorce settlement that gives you the maximum in alimony and child support, plus whatever he would have to pay to maintain your current status. Get the lawyer to calculate what the total cost would be to him over the course of say... ten years. Then write that number down. It will be HUGE.

 

Take that paper to your husband and tell him that this is the cost of his affair. Then hand him the divorce papers and demand a divorce, and tell him that since he loves the OW so much that he can go live with her and her husband. Tell him that you want him out, NOW.

 

I think you'll see that such an ultimatum will not make him leave. On the contrary. He'll be pissing his pants with the effort he will put forth to stay married. The OW will likely be history, if you are serious enough and if you have told her husband what is going on. Faced with the very real loss of his family, and the loss of his lifestyle in general you will see just how much he "loves" the OW.

 

Once the affair is broken, then and ONLY then can you even hope to get your marriage back to some fixed capacity.

 

If he does leave, then what really would you be missing? A man who loved someone else's wife so much that he would ditch his family like garbage? You'd still be living the way you and your children deserve to live. He'd be the one having to struggle because of his poor decisions.

 

This. Like I always say, you teach others how to treat you. You are allowing your hubby to walk all over your heart and your marriage. He sounds like an entitled jackass.