I can't stop crying...

[Els]

Firstly, I'm really dazed and tired now after a 4 hour phone call, so I'd really appreciate it if anyone who wishes to help would go through my history a little first, at least my last few threads on this forum. Thanks.

 

After 2 years and all we've done for each other, he told me tonight that he isn't as in love with me as he used to be. The last few weeks were really rough on both of us because when he left to go to his parents' for those few weeks (scheduled, not impulsive), he had to balance his time between his parents and old friends and internship, and he had little time left for me. We managed a phone call a day, but he was usually dead tired, and we had a lot of trouble arranging to meet before he flies off to NZ, and the calls frequently ended in arguments. To make things worse, during the two months prior when he WAS with me, I was always dead tired because of my internship and very moody, and we had a huge argument before he left, which resulted in me being extra emotional after he left. Regardless, he says that he 'doesn't know if that's the cause'. He doesn't know what the cause is.

 

I trust him when he says he doesn't have anyone else. If he did, why bother to tell me all this and go through it with me for four hours anyway? And he's never lied to me before.

 

I honestly don't know what to do. He actually offered me to end this if I wanted to, because he felt his interest might dwindle further and he didn't want me to suffer all the way. I told him I wanted to try. I asked him what I could do to make it better. He 'doesn't know', but he agreed to wait and see what happens.

 

He isn't coming to see me because his mother is sad about him leaving so close to his departure date, and he doesn't want to sacrifice that for our relationship anymore.

 

I offered to go and see him instead because I thought that maybe he's acting out of impulse due to the horrible circumstances the past few months. And that we can reignite something if I go there. I will have to get a few friends to do me a favour and help me settle stuff with my university if I go, and he won't be able to spend the night with me, but it's possible.

 

But then I wonder if I should just back off and let him miss me. But he honestly isn't the type. If he sees me leave him and happy the way I am, he'd probably think, 'Well, she's happier this way' and leave things be.

 

And I don't want to leave him. I want to make things work. I requested that he go look back at all our old memoirs to try and recall what attracted him in the first place, and he agreed to try.

 

But he keeps insisting that he feels his lack of interest will get worse, and that he should warn me so that I can get out before I get hurt further.

[skydiveaddict]

I think your idea of backing off is the way to go. If his feelings for you have faded, then pursuing him will only drive him further away, and make you hurt even more. I'm sorry you're going thru this.

[Els]

I'm not planning to 'pursue' him, I'm going to step down the calls and everything and take it easy for now.

 

But, if I don't go to see him, he will leave my country on this note, and I don't know when we'll see each other again.

 

At least if I go we can talk this over IRL and... I dunno, meeting IRL might remind him of what interested him in the first place? As opposed to just the phone call...

[blind_otter]

Sometimes when things go sour in a relationship, people feel a certain compulsion to fix things as soon as possible, NOW! It's normal. Something I've been talking about with my therapist...

 

IME when things get that intense - to the point of 4 hour phone calls - and you have negative interaction after negative interaction after negative interaction, the best thing to do is take a breather.

 

You sound stressed, so does he. Those external components in and of themselves, and the other committments, do not create a very positive environment in which to rekindle a romance. I've tried this tactic myself, it just makes things worse.

 

If you are meant to be together, time and space will never hurt that. In his book "Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the flames" Thich Nhat Hanh recommends that partners take time away every now and then, so they can miss each other and remember the good times.

[skydiveaddict]

I'm not planning to 'pursue' him, I'm going to step down the calls and everything and take it easy for now.

 

But, if I don't go to see him, he will leave my country on this note, and I don't know when we'll see each other again.

 

At least if I go we can talk this over IRL and... I dunno, meeting IRL might remind him of what interested him in the first place? As opposed to just the phone call...

 

 

 

Persue was a poor choice of words on my part, sry. You are in a tough spot here. Meeting IRL might turn him around, but I doubt it. Of course, the choice is yours. If you choose to see him, try to prepare yourself to hear some hurtful things. But listen, I'm cheering for you. I hope it does work out for ya.

[Els]

Thanks, skydiveaddict. And you too, BO. I've read a few of your threads and I realize life hasn't been kind to you either, but you took the trouble to help me with mine.

 

I honestly think that if I simply stop talking to him, he will assume that I am happier without him and altruistically tell himself not to get me involved again.

 

He was telling me that he's a career-minded jerk, and that there are plenty of guys out there for me, and I should go find them. Although he said that it hurt him to think of me with another guy.

 

Also, if I give it 'time and space', we will never see each other until we make plans to. I will be making a big decision after I grad, which will either entail me going to his country.. or not. We can't just get back together whenever we want.

Edited February 22, 2010 by Elswyth

[whichwayisup]

He is telling it's more or less over. To hang on for afew more weeks, months to see if his feelings change, for you to put MORE effort is, sadly is a waste of time and it'll only hurt you more.

 

Don't assume that he knows what you're thinking - If you go NC, he isn't going to think you're happier without him. He KNOWS you and knows you're upset now, so going NC more than likely, to him will mean you're grieving and sad. Not going on with your life and being all happy.

 

Listen to him and believe him when he tells you he's a career minded jerk. He IS telling you that he isn't and can't put you and the relationship first, that he needs to focus on himself and other things in life.

 

Sorry you're hurting, but my suggestion is, DO end it with him and take care of you.

[blind_otter]

It's no problem, I know how it feels to be in a lot of emotional pain and to feel alone in your suffering.

 

If he is telling you these things, he might not be in the right mind state - just now - to communicate clearly. It seems to me like this isn't just about your relationship - he may feel generally overwhelmed by life. When that is the case, people can say and do things to hurt others and push them away because they feel like they just can't handle everything. That's the time when things are said that are later regretted....

[Els]

The problem, WWIU, is that this isn't a carefully thought-out decision on his part. He himself said that he just felt that way over the past few nights.

 

He's tired and lacking in sleep, and his dad just left again yesterday. So I'm figuring, or perhaps hoping, that he isn't in the right frame of mind.

 

I never expected him to put our relationship above his career. And he kept insisting that the primary problem was that he was losing interest, not anything else.

 

BO: I sure hope so. I dunno, it just seems damned if I don't and damned if I do. If I back off and he truly made a mistake tonight, he really will assume that I took him for his words and moved on. And he will force himself to do so. I just know him in that way.

 

Yet if I go forward, it is true that I might hurt more. Although I suppose then I won't have to wonder about the 'what-ifs', I will either know that he truly means it or doesn't.

 

Btw, don't people always 'feel less in love' after 2 years or so? This is only his 2nd relationship so far, so he might be mistaking a natural course of events as something panicworthy. He said what prompted it all was our struggle to see each other again before he leaves the country, and he realized he wasn't willing to sacrifice all to see me this time. He realized that he would be okay if he didn't see me. I'm wondering if that isn't just becoming more... normal? He used to sacrifice everything for his ex, and he used to sacrifice more for me than I would have encouraged him to.

Edited February 22, 2010 by Elswyth

[blind_otter]

I think he knows you better than to assume that you are the type who would make a snap decision based on one phone conversation...it is perfectly normal to withdraw to lick your wounds after a big blowout, and from what I understand now - it's usually the better tactic. Very few things in life that are not health related can change direction on a dime. The only people who tend to think in such black and white terms already have pre-existing mental health issues.

 

Regarding being more normal, yes - I do find that the older I get, the less I am willing to expend emotional energy on things that I previously thought were life and death types of things. I'm more stingy with my intense feelings. I think that is a natural part of the emotional maturation process.

 

But you know, this is a bit of conjecture (I tend to feel more anxious when I let my mind wander into the realm of "what if" and "maybe" when trying to find reasons for interpersonal conflict)....all you have to go on is what he has told you, and at the very least one expects a certain level of honest disclosure when it comes to a romantic relationship.

 

Why not wait a few days to talk again, and see if he reiterates his convictions? It would be the cheaper and wiser option.

[FabulousLadee]

Elswyth -

 

I am so sorry you have to be going through this.

 

I think that he definitely cares a lot about you to be BRUTALLY honest with you.

 

I also think that you should really LISTEN to what he is saying to you and take heed.

 

I think this would be the perfect time to just go ahead and start taking the steps to get over him.. and just let it go so you can remain friends at least.... because if you carry on in it...it might lead to resentment towards YOURSELF. It will hurt MORE later..trust me.

 

I know that you know my situation and I would give ANYTHING for my

?SO? to be honest about his feelings instead of carry on with me.

 

In the end..do what YOU want to do! If you WANT to stay in it and try..just know that there is a possiblity for his feelings to dwindle even more as you're trying harder.

 

I hope it all works out for you Hun!!

[Ronni_W]

Hugs, Elswyth.

I'm sorry that his visit is ending this way.

But he keeps insisting that he feels his lack of interest will get worse,

Trust him. Accept what he is telling you about himself. Believe and trust that he really does know himself better than anyone else knows him. He really does know what he is feeling, and where his mind and heart are, about this.

 

If he is open to having you visit him before he leaves for NZ, I might encourage you to not go with intentions of getting him to change his feelings, or telling him that he's just stressed and tired and therefore doesn't really know what he wants or is feeling. I'd suspect that such an approach would not really help any potential for a long-term future together.

 

I'm sorry that you're going through this. It is difficult and it sucks big time.

[carhill]

Sorry to hear this, OP....

 

My quick read has me aligning with WWIU as far as actions.

 

LDR's are difficult at best, and more difficult when one or both parties must struggle, due to other commitments, to even make significant time for each other for in-person contact.

 

Given the words you heard, I'd be receptive to clarifying his perspective, but would not contact him. He took the stance of putting the end on the table, so he should clarify or retract that proactively. If it is just a 'glitch' in his perspective, it's up to him to take responsibility and contact you. That's my opinion. Best wishes

[Els]

Thanks for the advice, guys.

 

I really have to try and sleep as it's getting late, but a brief clarification before I do (will try and respond more later): I'm going to see if he truly means it. I will be able to tell far more from the way he acts, because frankly he's pretty poor with words. And also, because I know that distance can kill feelings. It has killed mine a few times before, although they have always revived.

[threebyfate]

Sorry to hear this Elswyth.

 

I think you should back off and leave it, the way it is. LDRs are impossible as they stand and if your SO decides he's no longer willing to maintain his portion, you're in for a lot more and far worse hurt.

 

IMO, you should contact him one more time and cut the cord, permanently.

[Els]

Also, I would like to add, he made the decision in ONE night.

 

Two days ago, before his dad left, he told me of his own accord that he would fight to make our relationship work. And today he said that he meant it, then.

 

I honestly don't know what to make of that.

 

Edit: And... we're at the end of the distance already. If I choose, I can most likely end all the distance in 3 months' time. We'd been waiting 2 years for this time. Would it not be stupid to give up at the darkest part just before the dawn?

[Els]

And... he said that he's not willing to sacrifice so much anymore, but he clearly is still doing enough for me. When we agreed that I would go to him, he said he would make the hour-long drive to the airport to buy the tickets for me because I didn't have time to go to the ticketing booth at my place, and he didn't want me to have to borrow a friend's credit card to pay online. He said he would make time to fetch me to and from the airport even though I told him that I could take a cab, and he could come see me when he was done with his duties (taking care of his brother, etc)

Edited February 22, 2010 by Elswyth

[Els]

I've to be up in two hours for an important day tomorrow. I can't sleep, but I'm nearly faint from lack of sleep over the past several days. I nearly feel like I can't breathe. I can't take a medical certificate.

 

He just told me two days ago that I shouldn't be stressing over a day of missed contact because 'we have our whole lives ahead of us together'. I don't understand...

[alphamale]

LDRs are a tough gig

[carvidep]

wish I had good advice for ya hun...

 

*HUGS* Hope you got/get at least a little bit of sleep before your busy day.

[Ingenue]

Elswyth, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I think the best course of action would be to give him time to think and give yourself time to think as well. I have to agree with a previous poster that there is a natural impulse to want to fix things immediately. It's the reactive part of our selves. But you also need time to process this information and the implications it has for you. Don't act purely on emotion (as difficult as that will be). Think about what you want. Think about what he has said.

 

Good luck and I hope you managed to get a bit of sleep

[Els]

What I don't understand is, why??

 

Why offer to buy my tickets (for 300 bucks), and insist on not taking my money?

Why offer to fetch me to and fro (it's an hour's drive)?

Why listen to them patiently for 4 hours while they rail at you? (and for a guy with his temper, that was one mean feat)

 

Why do all that? I'd never do that for someone if I didn't care about them anymore.

[Ingenue]

Elswyth, are you feeling better today?

 

I can't provide answers to the questions you've asked as the human heart is one of those organs that confound all of us. The only answer I can think of is one informed by my past experience with my last ex. He told me that even though he couldn't picture a future with me anymore, that didn't mean he stopped loving me. Feelings aren't like a faucet. We can't just turn them off and on.

 

Give yourself some time to really process everything that's going on in your life.

[bettedaviseyes]

I think you're making the right decision by backing off. Don't let this man control you or keep you in a box, and take you out for him to enjoy when he only needs you. To keep yourself from hurting more, do the right thing.

[threebyfate]

He's not saying he doesn't care. He's saying he's not willing to go the extra mile anymore, to fight "for" the LDR, due to an erosion on his feelings.