I can't stop crying...

[Flavour]

( sorry for the name of the blog, I just wanted you to read this article)

 

http://howtotellifaguyisajerk.blogspot.com/

 

Why is it that some women refuse to acknowledge that a man doesn't want to be with them?

 

I'm pretty sure everyone reading this blog has encountered at least one woman who has done everything she can to not have to admit that a man is not interested in her.

 

Why is this phenomenon so prevalent?

 

Why is it that some women struggle admitting the fact that a man may not be into her?

 

Of course we know why. To acknowledge that a man isn't interested in us gives us the feeling that we are somehow inferior, or unattractive, or not valuable.

 

[sIZE=4]Still, women come up with all sorts of excuses for the man rather than just admit the relationship is not to be.

 

[/sIZE]"He really loves me but...."

 

"He is tired."

 

"He just has to work a lot lately."

 

"He is having problems with his friends."

 

"He has a lot of other commitments."

 

"He just lost my phone numbers."

 

The list goes on and on and on.

 

The reality is, some guys are just not into some women.

 

It is OK. It doesn't mean you are not a fabulous, fantastic, wonderful woman. It just means that the guy is not right for you.

 

Now, here is the important point... read carefully:

 

[sIZE=4]You don't want a man who doesn't want to be with you.

 

[/sIZE]Again...

 

[sIZE=4]You don't want to be with a man who doesn't want to be with you.*

[/sIZE]And, you don't want to humiliate yourself by begging, pleading, or demanding that some guy love you.

 

If a man doesn't want to be with you, the best way to handle it is to just admit that he is not right for you, acknowledge that you do not want a man who does not want you, and move on.

 

No calling him. No trying to manipulate him. No degrading yourself with all sorts of offers to accommodate him.

 

And especially no being sleazy or tawdry behavior to try to get him to have sex with you.

 

You move on gracefully and with your self respect.

 

Now, the reality is there may be a lot of heartache. Ending a relationship is often filled with pain and sorrow.

 

So, yes it is appropriate to grieve, to feel badly, and to cry. Of course.

 

But the more you deny the inevitable, the more you hold onto the hope that he really is in love with you, the more you plead and beg, the less able you are to move on to a healthy life.

 

If you are with a man who does not want to be with you, hold your head up high. Take it like a strong and valuable woman who knows her worth. Don't demean yourself by becoming annoying and irritating as you try to make him see how fabulous you are.

 

You don't need a man to make you happy.

 

[sIZE=4]More importantly, you don't need a man who doesn't want to be with you.[/sIZE]

[sIZE=4][/sIZE]

[sIZE=4][/sIZE]

[sIZE=4][/sIZE]

[Ronni_W]

Why do all that? I'd never do that for someone if I didn't care about them anymore.

What TBF said. And also as a way to just make things a little "easier" all around, and to alleviate any guilt/regret he may be experiencing.

 

The pick-up and drop-off is not such a big deal...most friends would do that, and more, for each other.

 

Listening to you for 4 hours could be something that he felt he "owed" you, so to speak, as well as a guilt-reducing action. It's also that we can summon up much more patience than usual when we know, "This is the last time I'm gonna hafta go through this."

 

Hugs, Elswyth. It's difficult when there is a big 'why', and when it seems to come on so suddenly.

[nowomanocry]

Sorry to hear what you are going thru

 

I do not want to give you false hopes but...

 

if you have the money, time and energy, try to grab a week-end together with him unbuggered by freinds, family etc., sit down have a drink and talk face to face even for a last time and for the sake of all those years. When talking look into his eyes and listen carefully.. & judge the situation yourself., take the decision, and do not look back.

 

(lol I sounded like a relationship mender there a pro one whileas Iam a total f..k up myself )

 

Anyways, hope all goes better in yer life and keep me /us posted

[Rollercoasterr]

Els, you know me. You know how I am. I am the hopeless romantic, I'm the person that believes with everything in me that if love is supposed to happen it will find a way. I believe that when love is good and strong that nothing will shake it, even if there are bumps in the road.

 

I don't feel that way about this. And it's not because you're clingy, or needy, or any of that. You're not. You're a strong independent woman that can take care of herself and although you love this man like crazy, you also give him the space he needs. No matter what happens, none of this is your fault.

 

I think he IS a career minded jerk. I don't think that he's cut out to love you. Sure, yeah, he's been doing it for a few years now, but throughout this whole time, YOU have been the one to step up to the plate and to deal with the hard blows. This whole time you've been supporting him, making things easier on him, understanding when things don't go your way, and you've been the one getting hurt. You have done everything humanly possible to make this work and to be strong for him.

 

But what has he honestly done for you??? Has he worried about you and your school? Has he been thinking out the visits like you have? No, he hasn't. He's been in his own world, thinking only about himself and his life.

 

That's all well and good because in the end, the only thing that we know for sure is what we have made of our own lives, but when there's someone else involved you kind of have to be considerate of that too. He hasn't been.

 

I completely realize that the only part of the story we're hearing here is yours. Stories can change based on emotions involved. He may be doing things that we aren't aware of, so I can only say that all of my assumptions are based on what I've heard and read over the years.

 

I know you love him, sweetie. I do. And I know that when things go wrong we are all compelled to fix everything this very second, but I'm not sure if that's the right thing to do in this case.

 

I do agree that you should back off a bit and see what happens. He may come back because he misses you, but if he doesn't come back it wont be because he thinks you're better off and happier without him, it'll be because he doesn't want to.

 

I want you to know that no matter what it sounds like in the above, I'm rooting for you. I'm in your corner, doll.

[Els]

Thanks for the help, guys. I haven't been around this forum in particular much these few days because I wanted to think of and deal with other things in life first, but I'm okay and I appreciate all the support. Will update later when all might be clearer perhaps.

[2sunny]

Also, I would like to add, he made the decision in ONE night.

 

Two days ago, before his dad left, he told me of his own accord that he would fight to make our relationship work. And today he said that he meant it, then.

 

I honestly don't know what to make of that.

 

Edit: And... we're at the end of the distance already. If I choose, I can most likely end all the distance in 3 months' time. We'd been waiting 2 years for this time. Would it not be stupid to give up at the darkest part just before the dawn?

 

no, men don't switch gears in one night. he has had a lot of time to think and process this... he's just now telling you how he really feels though.

 

believe him - and back off. pushing harder at this stage to try to make it work will only chase him away faster.

[nowomanocry]

The problem is that we say things without thinking or listening to self and what we feel inside

 

When I asked my ex why she said things in the past, like "she was in love with me and if need be she would live in a dustbin with me 4eva.. Thanked for being hers till the end of time.." She simply said she really felt like that at that time. I said so what about the "4eva" deadline then? She explained well that was in the past. Furthermore, she basically said "things can change". I now agree with her, things can change. But I found out that when she said she was in love with me that was not true because true love never ends. We fall into this trap all of us, when someone says "I am in love with you" all of us presume the other party is honest or saying this out of heart. But sometimes it is things we say at the heat of the moment. Maybe innocent but takes its toll on the other party at later stages of life.

 

The bad thing here is that here I carried this relationship all alone, she a housewife with 4 kids from previous looser blokes, me a single Turkish guy living in Istanbul, I did everything bought the plane tickets, gave her money when she needed, bought stuff for the kids when their dad didnt pull his finger outta' his azz etc. etc. I did all of this for her. Wot I got in return was a "thank you for everything" and "sorry" and being dumped before Vals day so at least did not have to buy a present.

 

Yes the good gets all the shiat and the bad gets all they want. This is the rule of life. Never changes. Never ever will. So I am sorry for all those good idiots like me and congrats to all the bad. I sincerely think that theres nothing called "being in love" , "falling in love" I think this is a lie to all of us to make us go shopping in birfdays, XMas, Vals Day etc.

[Els]

I finally had some time to sit and gather my thoughts.

 

This is what I think happened. We had a godawful month prior to this. He was back in my country for 3 months this year for internship - the first two months were spent in my state, and the last 1 month in his parents' state. Well, during that month, everything that could possibly go wrong was wrong. His intern trainer worked him to the bone - he was sometimes even back at 10pm at night. He wanted to spend time with his mom, dad, and bro. He wanted to spend time with his old friends. All his 382643876324 relatives wanted to see him (nephews going to NZ to study are a novelty in middle class families here).

 

I, on the other hand, was extremely insecure from a huge argument that we had a few days before he'd left my state. But he was so busy that there was no time to talk about it, so it just grew and ate me up. Under normal circumstances I wouldn't have minded not being able to talk to him much since there was good reason for it, but in this case I couldn't really bear it because I had so many things I wanted to talk to him about, and he could barely get a moment alone. Also, I was undergoing training as well, and frankly, I hated it. I never really liked my course, but in these 3 months I realize I just hate it with a passion. (Refer to http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=222538&page=2 if you want more details). I arrived home everyday utterly miserable and depressed, and I expected him to make me feel better. I'd made the mistake of making him responsible for my happiness, depending completely on him for it instead of seeing what was really wrong with my life and taking the initiative to do something about it.

 

In the meantime, there was difficulty arranging to meet up for the night before he flies to NZ. His family wanted him to stay at home and spend time with them, and he felt guilty because he'd already spent 2 months with me and only had 1 for them. But to me, that last meeting was my beacon of light, the only thing holding me up through the month of misery.

 

AND to add to that, we are almost at the crossroads for our future. We were talking about the possibility of him accepting a decent job offer, although not the best, so that we could be together. Or rather, I was pressuring him about it.

 

Add that all together, and I think he snapped. He didn't want to feel obliged to make his parents sad for me, didn't want to feel obliged to decline his friends' invitations to go out because I was depressed at home and needed him to talk to, didn't want to have to give up the best job offer so that we could be together.

 

And I realized that it was unfair stress to place on him. While I personally would actually pass up the best job offer for a decent one, just to be with him, I shouldn't expect him to do the same. He has done things for me that, frankly, I wouldn't for him. He lived a spartan, frugal life while in NZ, expending the time and effort to cook for himself even after a long, tiring day... and used the money that he saved to buy a 4000bucks (in my currency) ticket back here last year, to spend two weeks with me. I would have used that money to bring myself some much-needed comfort and good meals throughout the year instead, if I really had to choose.

 

..................

 

So, long story short, I flew there to meet him for the one night. He stole some time out to spend with me even though it was his last 2 days with his family as well, although I did spend some time alone as well when he was with them (The family doesn't want him to have a gf til he graduates, so they can't know about me). We talked, and I told him that I realized I had to make myself happy and not depend on him for it... and I also told him I just wanted his love, I didn't need him to sacrifice all those things for me anymore.

 

Surprisingly, that seemed to work. We ended up agreeing to give it a try. There was intimacy, both of the cuddling type and the sexual type, and he seemed quite eager and loving, even though I think we were both a bit more reserved due to the recent situation. (And to those who don't know my story - no, it wasn't a booty call, we didn't even have intercourse, and he is the kind of guy who doesn't care all that much about sex)

 

I think what I will do is learn from my mistakes, try to invest more of my time, mind, and effort in other things.. And see where this goes. If I do all that and it still doesn't work, at least I will have made myself a better person for the future, and at least I will truly know that it wasn't worth salvaging.

Edited February 25, 2010 by Elswyth

[AnnPod]

Hello Elswyth,

 

I think I was in a similar situation some time ago, both sides stressed out from exams and jobs, things not working out the way we wanted for both of us, until I finally freaked out so much that we were also seriously thinking about breaking up. However, we were not even physically next to each other which made it even harder, and I think we have a similar geographic distance like you.

 

So we both stopped communication for about 2 weeks and both of us relaxed a little. During that time I worked very hard on myself to get more inner stability, until I was at a point where I realized 1. with some inner stability I would be able to cope with this situation for some more months and 2. if it all would be too much for him I would respect that, because yes yes and yes, this situation is just very hard to take. The most important part is not to get bitter and keep the love and respect (!) for the person you are with, even if s/he does not react the way we want them to.

 

Eventually we started communication again, slowly but regularly, without pressure, and we have realized that we still want it. So yes, you need to keep your inner stability, and not only for this relationship, but for everything that life has for you. Some things are just not determined to work out, but we can even be fine with an unhappy ending, if we have enjoyed everything that we had. I think as bad as all this had felt to me (I was hardly able to eat and sleep for a couple of days, locked myself in my apartment, did not meet anyone, preparing for my final exam), I think after all it made me - and also the relationship - stronger.

 

Good luck

[Els]

Thanks, AnnPod.

 

Also, now that I'm in a more sane mood, I'm afraid I forgot to add this on to my last post - I totally love you guys. I know some of you are having your own troubles right now, and yet you still come to offer support. Thank you.

 

I realize I'm not doing what many of you suggested, but I really do think I have to follow my own mind on this one. Still, I appreciate the time taken to offer advice.

[Ronni_W]

I realize I'm not doing what many of you suggested,

Elswyth,

I think the insights that you've gained recently (your post #33) are AWESOME! And that you did the exact perfect thing that your own insights were guiding you to do. AWESOME...that's the word for how you've done it

 

All's I might suggest is to print out that post and, when things feel a little challenging in the future, just reread your own wise words and counsel.

 

Very best of luck.

[Els]

Thanks so much, Ronni.

 

Update: A few days ago, I went to the airport to see him during his few-hour stopover in my state. He was extremely passionate and affectionate, said he'd thought about us the previous night, and that he still loved me.

 

I should be happy, right? I mean, I was happy. I realized my mistakes and he forgave me for them and wanted to try again with a clean slate. It was all I ever wanted during those few bleak days between that huge argument on the phone and the day he left.

 

But now I'm starting to resent what he did, a little bit. He knew I was going through such a hard time in my life and work, I'd told him. Yet he wanted to drop out when the going was bad. I mean, it was really quite bad, but isn't there some truth to the saying 'If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best'? Why didn't he just talk to me about what I was doing wrong, instead of just telling me 'he wasn't so enthusiastic about us anymore'?

 

But then again, I suppose if he had done that, it wouldn't have had the same impact. I would have just tried to argue defensively against it, perhaps. There's certainly nothing like a self-made realization and resolve. And also, I suppose it's a good thing that he had told me so honestly how he felt about his prognosis about our relationship at that moment. Instead of waiting until he was completely gone, and there was nothing I could do to save it. After all, how many of us have moments like that - moments of, 'I'm really not sure that this will work', and just didn't tell our SO? Besides, even though he'd said he'd all but given up, his actions showed otherwise for the most part. He was still willing to give us a chance.

 

Yet I still can't help but wonder each day, when or if it might happen again...

[aerogurl87]

The problem is that we say things without thinking or listening to self and what we feel inside

 

When I asked my ex why she said things in the past, like "she was in love with me and if need be she would live in a dustbin with me 4eva.. Thanked for being hers till the end of time.." She simply said she really felt like that at that time. I said so what about the "4eva" deadline then? She explained well that was in the past. Furthermore, she basically said "things can change". I now agree with her, things can change. But I found out that when she said she was in love with me that was not true because true love never ends. We fall into this trap all of us, when someone says "I am in love with you" all of us presume the other party is honest or saying this out of heart. But sometimes it is things we say at the heat of the moment. Maybe innocent but takes its toll on the other party at later stages of life.

 

The bad thing here is that here I carried this relationship all alone, she a housewife with 4 kids from previous looser blokes, me a single Turkish guy living in Istanbul, I did everything bought the plane tickets, gave her money when she needed, bought stuff for the kids when their dad didnt pull his finger outta' his azz etc. etc. I did all of this for her. Wot I got in return was a "thank you for everything" and "sorry" and being dumped before Vals day so at least did not have to buy a present.

 

Yes the good gets all the shiat and the bad gets all they want. This is the rule of life. Never changes. Never ever will. So I am sorry for all those good idiots like me and congrats to all the bad. I sincerely think that theres nothing called "being in love" , "falling in love" I think this is a lie to all of us to make us go shopping in birfdays, XMas, Vals Day etc.

 

The bolded part of this really stuck out for me because nowomanocry is right. True love never dies even when you want it to. My ex hates me, thinks I'm the worst person on Earth and yet and still he is still madly in love with me and can't figure out why. I still love him also, and maybe I'm not in love with him anymore, but I will always care about him and his well being. But that's because I truly love him and as much as he can try to pretend it's not true, he truly loves me. With that said OP, sorry to hear you're going through all of this. It sucks that life doesn't always work out for us the way we want, but in the end things have a way of working themselves out. And I'm sure one day you'll meet someone who cares as much about you and your relationship as you care about your boyfriend and the love you two shared. As Gary Allan said "life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride".