The ever constant question of men, porn, and jealousy... !

[thegreatesthumphrey]

Okay, this is not a normal question where Im basically asking for why or just trying to get the answer I want.... this is more a question on how to get over it or view it from a different perspective to ease the tension in my mind. Please dont respond with anything to the effect of "thats just what men do". It doesnt help the situation at all. Im going to give my views on when and why my boyfriend does it, and Im begging more so men than women (but your input is welcome to) to poke wholes through them with valid explanations.

 

A. I know it stems from my fears of inadequace and low self esteem when it comes to my looks.

 

B. Why do men have to do it, even when they know it hurts you, and even when they themselves feel bad about doing it. I fully believe that everyone has cognitive control over themselves and never fall victim to basic instincts that they cannot change. Even if it is hard to change at first... it is always possible, then becomes normal after a while. Another thing on that, is if men cannot control a porn addiction even if they want (I know there is always some part that doesnt want to let go or this wouldnt be an issue), how can I be reassured that they wont cheat. How can you say you cant control one thing that is a lesser version in the same bracket, but can assure me that the greater one will not control you? My example of this even though it doesnt really pertain, has the same idea... thats like you not even being able to control your own child, then assuring parents of 6 different kids that you can take care of and control them. It doesnt make sense. I need a viewpoint that will make me sit well with that idea.

 

C. My boyfriend has videos of us having sex and it is pretty hardcore right next to other porn... yet he chooses to watch them instead. I understand the whole well if my woman doesnt want to have sex with me or she isnt intrested in living out my fantasies, I believe you should be able to watch porn then. But with a video of me and a video of another girl righ tnext to each other and he always chooses the latter, It seems very aparent that he doesnt find me as attractive, as good enough, and also always wanting something else. That doesnt sit well with me. I always masterbate to the thought of him and me ALWAYS! I know for a fact I do that because I love him. I dont want anyone else but him. So, what does that mean for him? Does he not love me? Do men just settle to have someone, but your never really what they really want?

 

D. I know with effort I can come to terms with the porn watching with a little guidance, but what I dont think I will ever be able to overcome is when men have sex with their wives and think of other women. That just seems so immorally wrong because it is so disrespectful and the fact is guys are using their wives. You use her to give you your orgasm and your need for sex yet she is not good enough for you to look at. That is exactly the same thing as having sex with a woman and putting a bag over her head. That is viewed as morally wrong so why isnt this? And what makes it worse is that they are supposed to love this woman, yet they are okay with that? I cannot even think about another man when Im with my boyfriend I HAVE EVEN TRIED just to be able to ease my mind. So does that mean he doesnt love me?

 

I just want to say my current boyfriend is an absolutely amazing man! He does absolutely anything and everything for me, and I really dont hold anger against him for watching porn every once in a while. I just have REALLY bad trust and insecurity issues from past relationships that I have a valid reason for having. If EVERY relationship Ive been in before had this signals to a high extent and he ended up cheating on me or just outright using me, how do I get over this for the man Im with now that I genuinely feel wont do this to me. Its kinda like say a fear of needles. If they even hear the WORD needle they run.... but that is so far from you getting stabbed with one. Just any hint and I want to run.

 

Please give me your inputs! Thank you.

 

Also! Is this something that you feel I should just let him free to roam and do whatever without questioning, do you think this is something that is unacceptable and shouldnt be tolerated, or do you think this is something that should be regulated based on mutual agreeance?

Edited February 22, 2010 by thegreatesthumphrey
addition

[FryFish]

In most cases where cheating "might" become an option, porn prevents it. Like a stop gap. It is not a "gateway" drug to cheating. Just because a person cant help but light up their cigarette doesnt mean that they are going to move on to crack.

 

Porn and women are not the same thing at all. Your boyfriend uses porn to get off, quick and easy. He loves you.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I fully believe that everyone has cognitive control over themselves and never fall victim to basic instincts that they cannot change.

 

If that were the case, you would be able to not be jealous and insecure over your boyfriend's personal and private masturbation process.

 

I just want to say my current boyfriend is an absolutely amazing man! He does absolutely anything and everything for me, and I really dont hold anger against him for watching porn every once in a while. I just have REALLY bad trust and insecurity issues from past relationships that I have a valid reason for having.

 

Why not work on your trust and insecurity issues? I would think your relationship as a whole would be much better for it. If the only problems that are being caused are because of your jealousy and insecurity, how is forcing control over your man's personal and private masturbation time going to help you? Are you really going to magically be secure and not jealous if you manage to change him at his expense? No. Fix your own problems instead of making them a problem for someone else.

Edited February 22, 2010 by LucreziaBorgia

[thegreatesthumphrey]

If that were the case, you would be able to not be jealous and insecure over your boyfriend's personal and private masturbation process.

 

 

 

Why not work on your trust and insecurity issues? I would think your relationship as a whole would be much better for it. If the only problems that are being caused are because of your jealousy and insecurity, how is forcing control over your man's personal and private masturbation time going to help you? Are you really going to magically be secure and not jealous if you manage to change him at his expense? No. Fix your own problems instead of making them a problem for someone else.

 

I think you took the post the completely wrong way. It was no attack on my boyfriend and I stated numerous time that the point of the post is to hear different points of view so I can allow myself to change my thought process. That is still going with my belief that you have cognitive control over your mind and the way you think. I even stated I know I can get over this with a little extra guidance. Im trying to change my own thought process... this one was just a little harder so Im reaching out for extra input. Again, my intentions were never to control him or change him. And your post in no way shape or form helped me with any of my questions or worries like I asked.

 

Now, to discuss what you wrote as a whole... first of all a relationship is equal in give and take. A man will not die without porn so its not at his expense... if a woman needs to change things about herself to make her man happy then so should the man. It isnt just one sided where the man gets everything he wants (im not just talking about porn here) and then the woman has to give up stuff she wants and also have to learn to deal with things that are hard for her so that her husband gets what he wants. Looking at porn is not a biological necessity or a need and neither is my jealousy, both can be controlled if the proper effort is given. Im trying to do my part.

 

What your saying is exactly like this: ((I DO NOT DO THIS ... ITS JUST AN EXAMPLE) If I went out to the bars often by myself without him not drinking at all, and he felt insecure about it and didnt want me to go because he doesnt know if I am cheating on him or not (I know Im not) but he doesnt know that..... would your answer still be "he needs to suck it up and quite making her suffer for her insecurities"? No, it would not. That example is exactly the same as a man watching porn because A. He wants to do it alone, even if you want to, he would rather you not be there. Just like going to the bar, he wants to, I just like it better when he doesnt come. B. It opens the desire to cheat or wanting something else. With the porn he is validating himself that he can look at other woman and get turned on by them sexually. Same with the bar if Im around other men without him all the time I have more of a chance for a change of heart or cheating (I know what your thinking right now... but porn you cant cheat with... if he is validating himself to being turned on by other women he can easily go find one). To the fryfish I took what you said about the "gateway". I agree with you now that I heard from that side... but ultimately I think a man who regularly watches porn is more likely to cheat than one that doesnt by choice.

[meerkat stew]

I think you got some excellent advice from Lucrezia Borgia, and that she was plenty responsive to your OP, which was hard to puzzle out the specific questions.

[FryFish]

That example is exactly the same as a man watching porn

No it isnt. Not even close really.

 

B. It opens the desire to cheat or wanting something else.

No it doesnt. His porn actually reduces any desire to cheat.

 

but ultimately I think a man who regularly watches porn is more likely to cheat than one that doesnt by choice.

Ultimately you are wrong. If his is masturbating and getting sex from you regularly his level of sexual urge will be well below the threshold of motivation needed to go out and find a real girl to cheat with. The guy that says "I dont watch porn" and means it is the guy that is going to be horny all the time and looking for a way to release.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I stated numerous time that the point of the post is to hear different points of view

 

And so I offered one. That said, I suspect that what you are looking for is validation.

 

Even if you managed to convince your boyfriend not to look at porn, you can't control what he thinks about when he is masturbating, and next you'll be jealous that he is masturbating and thinking about someone else.

 

You will eat yourself up from the inside out over this, and your relationship will not survive it. You have a need to be in control. I can see that clearly just from your posts. You cannot gain it in the way you are going about it.

 

first of all a relationship is equal in give and take

 

With this comes one simple thing: until you can understand things from your boyfriend's point of view (not accept it, understand it) then you have no hope of him even considering seeing things from your point of view.

 

Why would he want to do any 'give and take' if it only involves doing things your way and only seeing things from your point of view? He won't cooperate until you are willing to validate his feelings as well (note I said *validate* not *accept*).

[thegreatesthumphrey]

Okay, so I get it. Porn wont increase the likely hood of cheating. Im willing to accept that. Is he really 100% right and Im 100% wrong. I was asking for help in getting over it for myself and how to deal, and all I seemed to get was Its going to happen whether you like it or not so deal with it. How?

 

But cheating (which really wasnt a deep concern of mine, just thoughts) and my own relationship aside I want to talk in general..... men have this vice and their supposed "right" to it, but where is a woman's vice? For example, alot of people seem to agree that its biological and cannot be helped, natural, etc. because of a huge hormone surge of testosterone in men they need to release and dont even have to think about controlling no matter how anyone feels its her problem not his.... but what about PMSing? That is a huge surge of hormone in women on a regular basis and it is extremely hard to control irritability and emotions and it feels better just to be able to release it and not care about who it hurts. Its natural and they should just understand and let you act how you want, right? No. Its not, men do not accept that, and even if they do deal with it and get through it each time they still put up a fight and if you treat them like crap they will treat you like crap back. Just like jealous women dont like what they do so they give some push back. The only difference is its okay for them and not us. I used to have horrible PMS due to alot of female medical problems with hormone surges, but I learned to for the most part control it. Why? because my actions hurt the people around me. Its expected that women try to control these emotions, because if they really dont care they are bitches and its not socially acceptable... but again it is fine for men. And along with the naturalness of men watching porn, so it should be okay..... the majority of women (and there is proof everywhere! doesnt matter age, weight, length of relationship) to some degree whether small or large are jealous, hurt, or upset by their man watching porn...... so doesn't that make it pretty natural as well. But the woman has to suppress her emotions again and the man does not.

 

I guess there might not be a response to that.... its pointing out flaws of our society... but those cannot be changed by any one person. I think I might be fine with the porn..... and if he gets what he wants and what makes him happy, then so should I.

[thegreatesthumphrey]

And so I offered one. That said, I suspect that what you are looking for is validation.

 

Even if you managed to convince your boyfriend not to look at porn, you can't control what he thinks about when he is masturbating, and next you'll be jealous that he is masturbating and thinking about someone else.

 

You will eat yourself up from the inside out over this, and your relationship will not survive it. You have a need to be in control. I can see that clearly just from your posts. You cannot gain it in the way you are going about it.

 

 

 

With this comes one simple thing: until you can understand things from your boyfriend's point of view (not accept it, understand it) then you have no hope of him even considering seeing things from your point of view.

 

Why would he want to do any 'give and take' if it only involves doing things your way and only seeing things from your point of view? He won't cooperate until you are willing to validate his feelings as well (note I said *validate* not *accept*).

 

hehe. as you guys can tell I havent completely figured this whole forum thing out and the quote thing. You are right I cannot change how he thinks even if he didnt watch porn and you are right again in the fact that it will still hurt me. Like you said, I dont understand the logic which is why I have the problem.... but If found this out with men from my past and in my current relationship they dont ever want to talk about it and ive tried and tried to initiate it, but they are always silent, which is why I am here to begin with (showing that I truly have a desire to understand and want to fix things). You are also partial right on my need for control..... it has never been to control anyone else or anything for the sake of control..... my desire is to control anything that can effect me or hurt me, because I have been walked over by everyone (boyfriends, friends, relatives) up until the last two years because I just kept giving of myself and they kept taking. I learned my lesson, but swore to myself that will NEVER happen again, as long as I am alive I will not be walked on blindly by anyone. So if I have a big blinking indicator of danger I immediately try to control it. That has alot to do with this whole situations and my insecurities, but Im not going to get into that. Also, on the validation issue.... that is not what I wanted at all. That wont help my situation.... what I wanted was an idea of a common ground and that compromising was acceptable and not asking too much. I never believe in extremes to one side or the other. I was just defensive because It seemed like you guys were basically saying deal with it. I think that if he were willing to come to a compromise that he meant and not just doing it to make me happy, I would lose alot of my insecurity and jealousy factors... because I do need validation that he cares to show some type of effort no matter how small. I guess thats what I need. I know Im basically just ranting on to myself right now, but thats fine.

 

Ultimate Outcome for any other woman that needs input:

 

- I was in a series of bad relationships so I feared being hurt again. It was never about I felt less prettier than the women or I was mad at him for doing it. I was just scared.

 

- I also figured out that Im not unhappy with him, Im just unhappy with societies role of men and women. I think its unfair and unecessary, but that is something I cannot change and has been there forever.'

 

With those two ideas I feel I am ready to move on....

 

Thank you guys so much.

[LucreziaBorgia]

What would be an acceptable compromise for you? What would be an acceptable compromise for him?

 

I guess what it comes down to is finding a way to identify with his point of view so that he will be more inclined to compromise. If you are coming at it in such a way that he feels that he is not allowed to have a point of view that you do not like, then he will not be inclined to compromise. He'll be more inclined to do what he wants regardless of what hurts you or not.

 

If he sees that you are making a real effort to understand what he is doing and why he might open up to you and let you in on more intimate parts of himself. People will only open up to the extent that they feel safe doing so. Now, I'm not saying that the solution is to let him do whatever he wants. The solution lies in getting him to really talk to you, and for you to really listen without turning it into an argument. He should do the same for you. Things may come out of this opening up that will further strengthen what you have, and deepen your bond. As a result, he may be more willing to compromise in a way that will lessen your frustration, jealousy and insecurity.

[fooled once]

Okay, this is not a normal question where Im basically asking for why or just trying to get the answer I want.... this is more a question on how to get over it or view it from a different perspective to ease the tension in my mind. Please dont respond with anything to the effect of "thats just what men do". It doesnt help the situation at all. Im going to give my views on when and why my boyfriend does it, and Im begging more so men than women (but your input is welcome to) to poke wholes through them with valid explanations.

 

A. I know it stems from my fears of inadequace and low self esteem when it comes to my looks.

 

B. Why do men have to do it, even when they know it hurts you, and even when they themselves feel bad about doing it. I fully believe that everyone has cognitive control over themselves and never fall victim to basic instincts that they cannot change. Even if it is hard to change at first... it is always possible, then becomes normal after a while. Another thing on that, is if men cannot control a porn addiction even if they want (I know there is always some part that doesnt want to let go or this wouldnt be an issue), how can I be reassured that they wont cheat. How can you say you cant control one thing that is a lesser version in the same bracket, but can assure me that the greater one will not control you? My example of this even though it doesnt really pertain, has the same idea... thats like you not even being able to control your own child, then assuring parents of 6 different kids that you can take care of and control them. It doesnt make sense. I need a viewpoint that will make me sit well with that idea.

C. My boyfriend has videos of us having sex and it is pretty hardcore right next to other porn... yet he chooses to watch them instead. I understand the whole well if my woman doesnt want to have sex with me or she isnt intrested in living out my fantasies, I believe you should be able to watch porn then. But with a video of me and a video of another girl righ tnext to each other and he always chooses the latter, It seems very aparent that he doesnt find me as attractive, as good enough, and also always wanting something else. That doesnt sit well with me. I always masterbate to the thought of him and me ALWAYS! I know for a fact I do that because I love him. I dont want anyone else but him. So, what does that mean for him? Does he not love me? Do men just settle to have someone, but your never really what they really want?

 

D. I know with effort I can come to terms with the porn watching with a little guidance, but what I dont think I will ever be able to overcome is when men have sex with their wives and think of other women. That just seems so immorally wrong because it is so disrespectful and the fact is guys are using their wives. You use her to give you your orgasm and your need for sex yet she is not good enough for you to look at. That is exactly the same thing as having sex with a woman and putting a bag over her head. That is viewed as morally wrong so why isnt this? And what makes it worse is that they are supposed to love this woman, yet they are okay with that? I cannot even think about another man when Im with my boyfriend I HAVE EVEN TRIED just to be able to ease my mind. So does that mean he doesnt love me?

 

I just want to say my current boyfriend is an absolutely amazing man! He does absolutely anything and everything for me, and I really dont hold anger against him for watching porn every once in a while. I just have REALLY bad trust and insecurity issues from past relationships that I have a valid reason for having. If EVERY relationship Ive been in before had this signals to a high extent and he ended up cheating on me or just outright using me, how do I get over this for the man Im with now that I genuinely feel wont do this to me. Its kinda like say a fear of needles. If they even hear the WORD needle they run.... but that is so far from you getting stabbed with one. Just any hint and I want to run.

 

Please give me your inputs! Thank you.

 

Also! Is this something that you feel I should just let him free to roam and do whatever without questioning, do you think this is something that is unacceptable and shouldnt be tolerated, or do you think this is something that should be regulated based on mutual agreeance?

 

 

My only advice is to erase the tape of the two of you. It could very well come back to haunt you in the future. I will never understand why people need to videotape themselves in a private act like that. This is just your boyfriend -- would you be comfortable with this posted on the internet or in his friends hands? Get rid of it!!

 

IF you aren't comfortable with him watching porn, and you have expressed this, and you two can't reach a compromise, my advice is to end the relationship. He isn't going to change and unless you just accept it, it is going to continue to drive a wedge between you two.

[thegreatesthumphrey]

What would be an acceptable compromise for you? What would be an acceptable compromise for him?

 

I guess what it comes down to is finding a way to identify with his point of view so that he will be more inclined to compromise. If you are coming at it in such a way that he feels that he is not allowed to have a point of view that you do not like, then he will not be inclined to compromise. He'll be more inclined to do what he wants regardless of what hurts you or not.

 

If he sees that you are making a real effort to understand what he is doing and why he might open up to you and let you in on more intimate parts of himself. People will only open up to the extent that they feel safe doing so. Now, I'm not saying that the solution is to let him do whatever he wants. The solution lies in getting him to really talk to you, and for you to really listen without turning it into an argument. He should do the same for you. Things may come out of this opening up that will further strengthen what you have, and deepen your bond. As a result, he may be more willing to compromise in a way that will lessen your frustration, jealousy and insecurity.

 

 

Thank you Lucrezia for your help. That is how I am going to approach it then. It makes alot of sense and will probably make all the difference, because your right it always turns into an argument also do to the fact he wont respond, which is due to my aggressiveness like you said. Crossing my fingers!!! hehe. Have a good night:)

[Jersey Shortie]

In most cases where cheating "might" become an option, porn prevents it. Like a stop gap. It is not a "gateway" drug to cheating.

 

And men wonder why women feel insecure about porn. Clearly it's the only thing stopoing them from screwing around behind their partners back. So either you pick A) He just pretends to screw around on you with 18 year olds or B) He actually does it. That's what love is in the modern world apparently.

 

Women have so many good options in this situation! What a joke men most consider women that actually are stupid enough to expect loyatly. Apparently loyatly is only as good as a man's porn collection. And thank god for it. Without porn, men's life wouldn't be 1/10th what they are with it apparently.

[TaleSpin]

D. I know with effort I can come to terms with the porn watching with a little guidance, but what I dont think I will ever be able to overcome is when men have sex with their wives and think of other women. That just seems so immorally wrong because it is so disrespectful and the fact is guys are using their wives. You use her to give you your orgasm and your need for sex yet she is not good enough for you to look at. That is exactly the same thing as having sex with a woman and putting a bag over her head. That is viewed as morally wrong so why isnt this? And what makes it worse is that they are supposed to love this woman, yet they are okay with that? I cannot even think about another man when Im with my boyfriend I HAVE EVEN TRIED just to be able to ease my mind. So does that mean he doesnt love me?

 

Um. Your boyfriend watching porn for masturbation purposes does not mean he's thinking of other women while he has sex with you. I really don't think porn has much to do with that. Porn is visually hyper-stimulating because it's raunchy, well-lit, to the point, and in your face for the purpose of inducing climax. Rarely are you even looking at the faces of porn stars. The majority of porn stars aren't exactly the most beautiful people in the world. The majority of porn stars have HERPES. Your boyfriend does not want to bone those porn stars. I think of my boyfriend while I watch porn, and I've had exes tell me they thought of me when they watched porn as well. It's about imagining yourself in the situation. The specific characters aren't really important.

 

I would feel more worried or hurt if my boyfriend was into a specific kind of porn that was the complete opposite of me. For example, if he only got off to Asians or big-breasted women, I would not be comfortable with that because I am not even close to being Asian or big-breasted.

[Jersey Shortie]

Its always fun to be wanted by default of not having herpes.

[FryFish]

Clearly it's the only thing stopoing them from screwing around behind their partners back.

Who said it was the ONLY thing? If you have to change your opponents argument in order to make your own then you have already lost.

[Jersey Shortie]

Fishfry, what argument am I changing? Alot of men have said that women should be *thankful* for porn because it helps them not to cheat. Alot of men use that exact argument. As if women should be kissing men's butts because they should be so grateful they *only* used porn.

[phineas]

whether I jack off twice to porn before I leave the house in the morning or save it up for a few days the result would of been the same if a woman begged me for sex while I was married.

 

I wouldn't of cheated.

[LosingBattle]

Yes, it sucks from a some women's point of view. Come on now guys (and girls), sure porn stars aren't exactly beauty pageant winners, and yes they have herpes, but they also have tight bodies with perky, big breasts. If the looks of the porn star weren't important, then all porn stars would look like normal women. Let's not kid ourselves: they have to be attractive, they get paid for that. And it sucks. We will never look like that without spenind a lot of money we don't have in the process. But it's part of life.

 

How many home made videos do you have? You know, guys look at porn for variety. They can only get aroused by the same video so much. It's about the novelty. That's why I don't understand why people buy porn DVDs either. You wathc it the first time, and it's a thrill. But then, you already watched it and it becomes well, boring. It's not about you. It has nothing to do with you. He doesn't find you unattractive. It's just that the videos have become old. That's it. It could be you, or a porn DVD. Whereas the Internet provides a million different videos with one click. Again, it sucks, but it has nothing to do with you.

 

I hate porn. But I've learned to numb my feelings towards it. How? I'm not exactly sure. It's just acceptance. Accepting it doesn't mean I have to like it. It just means I accept it's part of life, part of him and it won't change and I have no say in whether he should change it or not. It's such a small part of a guy anyway (unless he's an addict). What phineas said is true: guys can control whether they cheat or not, it doesn't have to do that much with sex drive, it usually has to do with other relationship problems or needs not being met (usually EMOTIONAL needs). A lot of the time it doesn't even have to do with you, or the relationship, it's just that they have unmet needs within themselves. Women are guilty of this too.

 

Bottom line: yes, it sucks. For me it sucks. I don't like the thought of him orgasming to the sight of another woman, a woman who also looks perfect from angles that I don't. But it's only for a few minutes. It's not a priority in his life. And when we have sex, it's all about us anyway. When we hug, or kiss or share our feelings, thats a huge part of us as people, as a couple. Porn just takes a few minutes of his time during the week. I also think only of him when I masturbate, but I'm a woman, he's a man, we see things differently and I have to accept and respect that, despite how much I dislike it. I love who he is, and I'm not gonna leave over such a small part of him I don't like.

Edited February 26, 2010 by LosingBattle

[PrettyinInk]

i think the only reason men feel bad about watching porn is because they feel like they have to hide it, as if it is something to be ashamed of. sex is beautiful and fun

watch it with him, make it something you do together instead of something he does on his own, it will make you feel better! and it will bring you closer together as a couple.

 

that being said, i had a boyfriend that was addicted to porn, really, really addicted; to the point where he would watch porn INSTEAD of having sex with me. that is an issue! if that is the problem, he should probably seek help.

[hats]

As a guy who watches porn and doesn't think there's anything wrong with it, I would stop if I were OP's bf. I think there's a lot of wasted text on whether the guy has a "right" to use porn, and whether porn usage is objectively right or wrong. Those things are irrelevant because even if I came up with an iron clad argument for porn, it still wouldn't prevent the OP from feeling bad when I view porn. Which is to say there really isn't much you can do to stop feeling the way you are, you can't control your feelings only your reactions to those feelings. How do you get a arachnophobe to stop being afraid of spiders? Well I dunno, maybe there's a way, but I'm no shrink. If I had a girlfriend like that I wouldn't get a pet spider and say, "you're being irrational, I have a right to this spider, just deal with it!" I would either get rid of the spider or get rid of the gf. I guess it depends on how much of a sacrifice the guy felt it would be to give up porn. Personally I don't think it would be too much of a sacrifice, but maybe that's just me.

[LosingBattle]

As a guy who watches porn and doesn't think there's anything wrong with it, I would stop if I were OP's bf. I think there's a lot of wasted text on whether the guy has a "right" to use porn, and whether porn usage is objectively right or wrong. Those things are irrelevant because even if I came up with an iron clad argument for porn, it still wouldn't prevent the OP from feeling bad when I view porn. Which is to say there really isn't much you can do to stop feeling the way you are, you can't control your feelings only your reactions to those feelings. How do you get a arachnophobe to stop being afraid of spiders? Well I dunno, maybe there's a way, but I'm no shrink. If I had a girlfriend like that I wouldn't get a pet spider and say, "you're being irrational, I have a right to this spider, just deal with it!" I would either get rid of the spider or get rid of the gf. I guess it depends on how much of a sacrifice the guy felt it would be to give up porn. Personally I don't think it would be too much of a sacrifice, but maybe that's just me.

 

I see your point. But I have to disagree a bit. See, as an aracnophobe, I really am scared to death of spiders and I'd probably paralize if I had one crawling on me. Hell, I even had a panic attack once when I (luckily anyway) discovered a spider inside my bed once after I'd been working on a university project until 5 am.

 

But that's the thing. It's irrational. I am huge compared to a spider, I can squish a spider with my foot if need be. I can spray it with some poison to kill it. If anything else fails, I can ask someone to kill or kick the spider away. But spiders will never go away. And I can't give in to my fear everytime. I can't control when a spider will appear. And it would be limiting if say, I stopped going on picnics 'cause there can be spiders on the grass.

 

Spiders are never going to go away so I have to control my fear. My mother has a phobia to earthquakes which is out of control. Sure it stems from some ugly trauma she had years ago, but she's never seen a therapist about it and she should. She's limited herself so much because of it. And she's constantly paranoid that a quake or tremor will hit at any moment (I live in a very active seismic area). She has to learn how to control it, because it gets the best of her.

 

Insecurities are built on fear. It's similar to a phobia. Of course, there's the minimal consideration that one should have. If I am an aracnophobe, I'm not going to appreciate it if someone intentionally throws a spider on me just to get to me. Likewise, if I don't like porn, I won't appreciate my boyfriend openly leaving evidence where I can see it or talking about it with me. But if he's been doing this from before I came along, I can't demand that he stops, for instance, if he doesn't want to. If he wants to stop because of me, great, but it has to come from within him.

 

But ultimately, it's the responsibility of the insecure/phobic person to control their fears and reactions. We also have to be aware and be considerate of other people's needs.

[troggleputty]

....so I take it that you're not into spider porn?

[hats]

But ultimately, it's the responsibility of the insecure/phobic person to control their fears and reactions. We also have to be aware and be considerate of other people's needs.

 

It seems like your presenting these two sides as equal and opposite propositions. But when OP says, "please stop using porn", and bf (hypothetically) responds, "please stop being insecure", that's not really fair IMO. People can't control the fact that they feel emotions, only how they handle that emotion after the fact. So for OP, there's not a whole lot of options, it's feel bad and just get used to it or walk away. I suppose a similar argument could be made for the porn user's side if they went through some degree of uncontrollable emotional suffering by giving up porn, and then it's a matter of incompatibility. But that's kind of a stretch isn't it?

[LosingBattle]

....so I take it that you're not into spider porn?

 

Lol.

 

And hats, what can I say, you seem to be really mature or at least understanding of both males and females. Most people I've come across told me to get over porn because it's something that all men do, and that's why I numbed myself to it. Good to know there're guys like you out there. We should all be a bit like that when it comes to relationships, it'd make everyone a lot happier.