The ever constant question of men, porn, and jealousy... !

[troggleputty]

It's too bad we can't see up to date photos of the folks who are so bent out of shape about porn. I'm guessing we'd be seeing some rather physically unattractive specimens who are so insecure about their appearance and their relationship, that they feel jealous of some imaginary chick made out of paper with staples in her belly button.

 

Porn is simply a masturbation aid. Get a grip ladies. Plenty of women like porn too. Plenty of couples use porn once in a while to spice things up.

 

Get yourselves in shape and lookin' good and stop being so jealous of someone's fantasies.

 

By the way ladies-who-complain-about-porn: Are you claiming never to masturbate? And, when you do masturbate, you don't fantasize about sexual mental images?

 

C'mon no one is going to buy that in a million years.

 

Time to get a grip.

 

Also maybe if you'd work harder on actually trying to satisfy your husbands completely they would lose interest in porn fantasies.

 

Oh, no--women don't have to have sex with a man unless the women is in the mood. Otherwise it's "rape." LOL.

 

Give the guys a break. If you're unwilling to meet your man's sexual needs, don't express dismay that he seeks another outlet for those needs.

 

The ball's in your court. As a matter of fact, both of them are.

[Jersey Shortie]

Why the insults and personal attacks Guys?

 

Peter, It's strange that you would define a "real woman" as someone who accepts your porn use. It's especially strange because porn caters to every male insecurity there is. Porn is totally about male insecurity and reaffirmation of those insecurities. Lets not pretend that men are these completely secure incontrol creatures especially when it comes to pornography and their sexuality and desirablity to *real* women.

 

As for you Troggle. I'm not physically unattractive at all. I work out 5 times a week. I am also far from perfect and no matter how hard I work out, that's always going to be the case. I totally have my insecurities and I do not pretend that I don't out of pride. But to be honest, it shouldn't matter how I look. Infact, if you think anyone's opinion is of more value based on how they look, that says something about you, not that person. Does anyone's apparene here discount their personal opinions? Even yours? Should we see a picture of you before we take you seriously?

 

As for "imaginary chicks", if you as a man can respond with desire and lust to this so called "imaginary chick", then please don't be ignorant enough to believe that women aren't allowed their own triggers and responses. Fact is, biologically, porn is a threat. Just as it's a stimulator for sex. If imaginary chicks can cause men to have feelings of desire and lust, then it can also cause other feelings that are no less real or stupid. If a chick is mearly imaginary and made out of paper with staples in her belly button, why are you getting turned on by her? Doesn't that mean that you shouldn't be turned on by her since she is "imaginary".

 

Although I disagree with this "imaginary" verb to describe real pictures of real women in sexual situations. You don't look at pictures of your friends and say "they are only imaginary". Do you?

 

I do so love how you put a man's porn use onto women to hold responsiblity for. Such as telling the woman to be the ones to get in shape and make such grand efforts to satisfy their husbands to a degree you don't seem to suggest in turn for women. As if women are the ones responsible for their man's porn use. When does a man become responsible for his porn use? Perhaps if men put the porn down they would find more engaging willing happy eager partners. No offense but no woman is responsible for how much, what kind and how often *you* view porn. It's not your wife or gf's job to be your sexual socket anytime you need it. It's not your wife or gf's job to be your gate keeper.

 

Why don't you give us ladies a break? We go out all day long and know there are tons of beuatiful women out there. And we can't even get away from it when we come home at night to our guys. We finally think we get to leave the world at the doorstep and enjoy our lives with our men and instead he is looking at an 19 year old with implants and thinks that that shouldn't make his girl question what exactly he is looking for. Why don't you men give women a break? Why don't you stick by our side instead of being the great champion for porn that so many of you guys make yourselves into? What happeend to being there for your girl? Making her feel like a beautiful woman? It's like men today rather make complete strangers feel good about themselves then their own partners.

 

 

I have no idea if my boyfriend does, but if he did, he certainly wouldn't mention it as he is a gent & is respectful of my feelings (why would a guy mention it? It'd be inappropriate)

.

 

Why is it inappropiate to mention it ? Would it hurt your feelings if he admitted he looked at porn??

[blair08]

"Why the insults and personal attacks Guys?"

 

Its always like that when it comes to the porn topic. People who love it, will defend it just like the people who don't care for it will defend it.

[Jersey Shortie]

I didn't personally attack anyone and am not deserving of being personally attacked.

 

There is always alot of sensitivity on this subject, ESPECIALLY from men even while they try to deny the importance porn has in their lives.

 

Alot of male insecurity is wrapped up in this topic just as much female. However, guys usually project that insecurity in anger and harsh words.

[EnigmasMuse]

I didn't personally attack anyone and am not deserving of being personally attacked.

 

There is always alot of sensitivity on this subject, ESPECIALLY from men even while they try to deny the importance porn has in their lives.

 

Alot of male insecurity is wrapped up in this topic just as much female. However, guys usually project that insecurity in anger and harsh words.

 

 

Maybe they are attacking you because you don't believe the way they do. I'm not saying that its right, because its not. But even though you don't feel the need to attack them because they don't agree with you, doesn't mean they wont attack you. Some people really love porn its the best entertainment of their lives and will do anything to defend it.

[marsle85]

 

Alot of male insecurity is wrapped up in this topic just as much female.

 

 

Got that right. But I'd say a little less male insecurity, to be fair.

[Jersey Shortie]

I wouldn't. It certainly comes from a different insecurity but I do not think it's any less.

[blair08]

Speaking of insecurity, it amazes me how many women in the porn industry, excuse me, who were in the porn industry that after they left it, and went on to write books about it, do interviews etc, had said they got into the porn industry because they were insecure and had low self esteem and were looking for a way to fill that void. Then after they got into it good, it changed nothing. They never really felt better about themselves, if anything worse and used. They had created that false illusion that it would be glamorous and help their self esteem, when it didn't. Live and learn I guess.

[BlueeyedJonesy]

It's too bad we can't see up to date photos of the folks who are so bent out of shape about porn. I'm guessing we'd be seeing some rather physically unattractive specimens who are so insecure about their appearance and their relationship, that they feel jealous of some imaginary chick made out of paper with staples in her belly button.

 

Porn is simply a masturbation aid. Get a grip ladies. Plenty of women like porn too. Plenty of couples use porn once in a while to spice things up.

 

Get yourselves in shape and lookin' good and stop being so jealous of someone's fantasies.

 

By the way ladies-who-complain-about-porn: Are you claiming never to masturbate? And, when you do masturbate, you don't fantasize about sexual mental images?

 

C'mon no one is going to buy that in a million years.

 

Time to get a grip.

 

Also maybe if you'd work harder on actually trying to satisfy your husbands completely they would lose interest in porn fantasies.

 

Oh, no--women don't have to have sex with a man unless the women is in the mood. Otherwise it's "rape." LOL.

 

Give the guys a break. If you're unwilling to meet your man's sexual needs, don't express dismay that he seeks another outlet for those needs.

 

The ball's in your court. As a matter of fact, both of them are.

 

U have absolutely no idea what your talking about. This post alone speaks volumes about what porn can become. why the harsh words and assumtions? I look DAMN good, and I am very open sexually...this is not a problem with ME! I would love to hear from everyone 10 years down the road that say "porn is normal..blah blah blah" society is so tainted with this thinking. Why can't sex be a physical played out emotion between two people that love eachother..?

[BlueeyedJonesy]

Oh and BTW. I used to watch porn with my H. I used to watch it alone..I used to be completely A-OK with magazines and videos. but trust me...when something wrecks your life the way it did mine. you change your way of thinking. I hope this doesn't happen to you.

[Jersey Shortie]

U have absolutely no idea what your talking about. This post alone speaks volumes about what porn can become. why the harsh words and assumtions? I look DAMN good, and I am very open sexually...this is not a problem with ME! I would love to hear from everyone 10 years down the road that say "porn is normal..blah blah blah" society is so tainted with this thinking. Why can't sex be a physical played out emotion between two people that love eachother..?

 

Good points.

[thegreatesthumphrey]

By the way ladies-who-complain-about-porn: Are you claiming never to masturbate? And, when you do masturbate, you don't fantasize about sexual mental images?

 

I read that, and to answer your question, I do masterbate, but like I said I think of him.

 

For everyone else: Thank you so much for your time and help. Me and my boyfriend have gotten over our little delimma. It actually took quite a bit of small changes. I hope this helps anyone else in my situation.

 

1. I forced myself to watch porn online and masterbate to it for about a week. I started actually WANTING or CRAVING watching it..... I wanted to do it more than complain about my boyfriend doing it and I knew I couldnt do both. So, slowly I stopped caring as much about him doing it cuz I wanted to be able to. lol. (eventhough its working.... still kinda proves that porn is an addiction. I felt it)

 

2. I went on a diet and started working out more. I am very gorgeous, but in the last 3 years I have gained 30 lbs. on my frame that I havent been used to my whole life..... which is why im so self-concious of my looks. Ive lost 15 already! Already feeling hot and sexy again.

 

3. I dress sexier and flirt a little more. Nothing that is purposefully trying to hurt my man... but just enough to get other men to want me. My man has noticed and I guess since other men want me, he wants me even more. He might be starting to realize any of these guys could take me from him. So, he is showing way more interest.

 

4. I started this right after I posted the thread too... not really doing it so much now, maybe because I want it more. I dont know.... but I said if he wanted to watch porn thats fine. but, I no longer have to have sex with him when he wants it. I'll have sex with him when I want it.... and if I dont Ill just tell him to go watch his porn. That made him stop watching it less too.... because he was getting actual sex less.... used to be whenever he wanted it.

 

5. Also, Ive been keeping myself always busy. Everyone pretty much already knows this, but a mind sitting at home with nothing to do can only wander. So, I havent really even had time to think about it and it also helps our relationship, because my man doesnt always have me around all the time anymore. He misses me now, because I have a chance to be gone.

 

6. He already knew that I didnt like it, so he did everything to hide it. Only problem was... I always found out. Honestly, I allowed myself to check behind him to see if he did it. When I didnt let myself find out.... I couldnt stop thinking about it. But, once I found out I would NOT let myself say anything to him about it. I would eventually forget, and when I know he does it now it isnt that big of a deal.

 

The whole "porn" thing, I realized was a large part of an even bigger problem. It was my boyfriends boredom in our relationship, or lack of drive to do anything exciting in our relationship on both sides. He wasnt the same guy who always tried to impress me or make me happy anymore. The porn problem was one of the biggest factors that acknowledged this problem. Granted I've always had some type of problem with men in general and their views of sex and love.

 

I appreciate Jersey..... letting me know that there is a man out there who views sex love and relationships as something to cherish and not to take forgranted.

 

To all the men who just didnt give a s*** and wanted to post nasty comments: All I wanted was help with a problem I couldnt figure out on my own. Guess what you didnt do... HELP! Im so happy that my man at least cares how I feel about it, just like I care how he feels or I wouldnt be here asking for help. I feel bad for the women who are with men like you and you just completely shut her down and make her feel like an idiot.

 

There really is no trying to control or take something away from the man then move onto the next or an extremely severe low self esteem. It was just a problem in my relationship that needed fixing somehow and I didnt know where to start.

 

Im gonna post this on other threads of the same type, and hopefully it will help someone else!

[thegreatesthumphrey]

When I started watching porn.... he became extremely jealous just like I was. Doing ALL the same things! I just found that intresting when the roles are changed how a man would react.

 

Hows that for an interesting topic of discussion.

 

So, the men that are so stuck on "Im gonna watch porn deal with it" are actually thinking of no one but themselves, because if he wasnt he would take the time out to think about himself in your shoes. Then he would realize its not so fun and not be so cruel to you, even if ultimately he kept watching..... he wouldnt be cruel.

[Jersey Shortie]

I'm glad your feeling better and healthier and your situations has improved. You've really taken some big steps Girl! *Most* I agree with.

[thegreatesthumphrey]

LOL! thank you thank you! This was just what I needed. Im going to start following your posts in my spare time. I like the way you think! lol. Anyways, take care and have a great day!

[AAlike]

 

1. I forced myself to watch porn online and masterbate to it for about a week. I started actually WANTING or CRAVING watching it..... I wanted to do it more than complain about my boyfriend doing it and I knew I couldnt do both. So, slowly I stopped caring as much about him doing it cuz I wanted to be able to. lol. (eventhough its working.... still kinda proves that porn is an addiction. I felt it)

 

 

Hmmm. While I like the "turning the tables" mentality that you exhibited here, I do have one question - while you were doing this, did you feel as if you were being unfaithful, or comparing the guys in the porn unfavorably to your boyfriend, or come to the realization that the guys in the movie were what you REALLY wanted? Or were you able to compartmentalize your masturbation as just that, and it had no real bearing on your attraction to or feelings for your boyfriend?

[thegreatesthumphrey]

You are right, it in no way shape or form lessened my feelings for my boyfriend. What I did notice is that I was entranced with the way the men looked and did imagine them having sex with me instead of that girl. I imagined their sexy bodies on top of me. That was why I was so upset to begin with by him watching it. He was getting off to other women's sexier bodies than mine, and imagining himself having sex with her. It hurts to think about that. Society puts alot of pressure on women to be sexy and sexually desirable to men. Its hard for women to accept the fact that their men enjoy getting off to other more attractive women. It is deflating of our femininity just like certain things deflate a man's masculine ego. If a man is a "minute man" and tries everything to last longer, but cant and his woman is always left unsatisfied at the end of the night... whenever it is brought up it hurts him and makes him feel inferior. Same thing happens to women on this issue. By actually viewing the porn, what I was afraid was happening was proven. I didnt even think about it until you brought it up. Maybe with my explanation on how it effects the woman and why, then relating it in a way men may understand they may have a little more sympathy and not be so harsh. Its not something that needs to be changed... just something that needs to be worked through with both partners equally open to it just like if it were the issue with the man. Thanks for the question. It gave me alot of extra insight I hadnt thought about.

[thegreatesthumphrey]

In addition to your question, when I was watching the porn and masterbating, it was as if my boyfriend didnt exist. It was just me and the people in the video. I really didnt even think about him. This is a little exaggerated, but it was like I was in a different life. Once I was done its all about me and my boyfriend, but not while I was watching it.

Thats scary. I dont enjoy knowing my boyfriend does that.

[pyroguy]

In addition to your question, when I was watching the porn and masterbating, it was as if my boyfriend didnt exist. It was just me and the people in the video. I really didnt even think about him. This is a little exaggerated, but it was like I was in a different life. Once I was done its all about me and my boyfriend, but not while I was watching it.

Thats scary. I dont enjoy knowing my boyfriend does that.

 

 

Yes, but you did it too .. and please don't say it was only because he does it. You enjoyed it and loved it for all the apects you feared he did.

 

This is why I don't get all the women and their anti-porn message. Their original thought is valid, but they refuse to see that it goes both ways. There is porn that is very popular right now thar absolutely denegrates men-especially husbands. Where is the female outrage? And, I totally reject the idea of how tough society is on women. Society is tough on women AND men. C'mon, we are flooded with male sex symbols all over TV, usually with their shirt off as often as possible. THrow in the shows that focus on superior men, and how should men feel?

 

Also, I often don't get the whole reversal thing with glee. Actually, it makes it look like you are OK with the activity, but just jealous that the man beat you to the porn habbit. When the roles are reversed, you love it, the guys, and you fantasize about them and what you are doing with them.

 

So, for all those who say it's totally separate, as you can see it really isn't. Well, it's separate but not equal. You have one person who you want sexually and one person you feel secure with- too common today. You said it yourself, you don't think of your boyfriend. Rather, it's these men. Why? Nobody can ever admit the real reason because of the consequences. It just makes an argument for the swinging lifestyle.

[threebyfate]

You are right, it in no way shape or form lessened my feelings for my boyfriend. What I did notice is that I was entranced with the way the men looked and did imagine them having sex with me instead of that girl. I imagined their sexy bodies on top of me. That was why I was so upset to begin with by him watching it. He was getting off to other women's sexier bodies than mine, and imagining himself having sex with her. It hurts to think about that.

Why do you hold your b/f to a different standard than yourself? Don't you think and know, that this is hypocritical?

 

I don't defend porn. If anything, I think it's a joke and totally sleazy. But I can't fathom why it's threatening, especially to someone who herself, indulges.

[thegreatesthumphrey]

Are you serious right now? I feel you are in the mood to argue. If you read the whole thread.... what you are countering me with does not justify anything. I agreed with you what I felt while watching, I never once stated its okay for me to do it and not him or even implied that. The big picture is that I dont need porn. Ive lived in our relationship thus far without happily and I can stop watching it now if he wanted me to. I dont need it and his feelings come first. I love him. I dont want to be without him over porn. "men" and i say that not about all but most, refuse to give it up or say they need it. They are thinking of themselves and not the person they love. Granted I dont think they should give it up, just be sympathetic to the woman if it is an issue and be willing to work out a fair solution. I made myself watch porn and learn to enjoy it which I did, because of my situation and the betterment of my relationship, Not some inner desire to please myself on my own accord.

 

You cannot compare at all societys pressure on men to be good looking versus women. Yes there is some definitly but not near the extend of women. Ill give an example in my next paragraph. A comparison could be on the pressure for men to have a big penis. The have a HUGE amount of that pressure, and it would hurt a man with a small dick if his girlfriend always pointed out wow that guy has a big dick or I bet he is huge on a steady basis. IT HURTS! The question would be do you care about your significant other to tone it down.

 

You cannot sit here and tell me that just as many men watch porn as women do. That is absolutely not true and Im discussing women and men in monogamous relationships. There are a few women who do watch it alone, but the majority do not just like there are a few men who dont, but the majority do. That gives way for me stating the pressure example. The majority of women do not watch porn or check guys out all the time around their men or give their men any reason to doubt that they are physically not enough for them. The majority of men watch porn and check other girls out all the time that gives room for a woman to feel physically not up to par or give them a doubt in themselves. Not all women react that way, but alot do.

 

This was not a anti-porn thread. It was trying to find a way to cope with it and get some outside answers and thoughts.

 

YOU said it:

--- "You have one person who you want sexually and one person you feel secure with"----

 

That is how men view porn in a nutshell. Thank you very much! For all women who dont understand why now..... there it is. They want someone else sexually and want you for stability. And you have the NERVE to talk bad about women who are hurt by that. According to you we are just supposed to accept that. The majority of women love with their whole hearts and want only their man in both aspects. I would be completely happy if we could have a relationship like that. Men are so selfish to feel they have the RIGHT to be able to say I want this person sexually and I want you for support.

 

There is always a common ground that can be met in successful good relationships where neither feels deprived or hurt, but your perception of it is completely irrational.

[thegreatesthumphrey]

ARE YOU GUYS NOT READING THE WHOLE THREAD?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

GEEZ! I never indulged before, it was one of the coping mechanisms I listed that helped our relationship! I was only discussing it because it was brought up!

[thegreatesthumphrey]

I stated my experience with it from trying to find a way to make our relationship a little better. That is what I got from it.... I was applying it to why I had a problem with it to begin with and why most women do. Its intresting and informative. My point is that watching porn is not innocent nor a necessity, but if you love your man and he loves you then you both can come to a fair agreement.

[pyroguy]

Are you serious right now? I feel you are in the mood to argue. If you read the whole thread.... what you are countering me with does not justify anything. I agreed with you what I felt while watching, I never once stated its okay for me to do it and not him or even implied that. The big picture is that I dont need porn. Ive lived in our relationship thus far without happily and I can stop watching it now if he wanted me to. I dont need it and his feelings come first. I love him. I dont want to be without him over porn. "men" and i say that not about all but most, refuse to give it up or say they need it. They are thinking of themselves and not the person they love. Granted I dont think they should give it up, just be sympathetic to the woman if it is an issue and be willing to work out a fair solution. I made myself watch porn and learn to enjoy it which I did, because of my situation and the betterment of my relationship, Not some inner desire to please myself on my own accord.

 

You cannot compare at all societys pressure on men to be good looking versus women. Yes there is some definitly but not near the extend of women. Ill give an example in my next paragraph. A comparison could be on the pressure for men to have a big penis. The have a HUGE amount of that pressure, and it would hurt a man with a small dick if his girlfriend always pointed out wow that guy has a big dick or I bet he is huge on a steady basis. IT HURTS! The question would be do you care about your significant other to tone it down.

 

You cannot sit here and tell me that just as many men watch porn as women do. That is absolutely not true and Im discussing women and men in monogamous relationships. There are a few women who do watch it alone, but the majority do not just like there are a few men who dont, but the majority do. That gives way for me stating the pressure example. The majority of women do not watch porn or check guys out all the time around their men or give their men any reason to doubt that they are physically not enough for them. The majority of men watch porn and check other girls out all the time that gives room for a woman to feel physically not up to par or give them a doubt in themselves. Not all women react that way, but alot do.

 

This was not a anti-porn thread. It was trying to find a way to cope with it and get some outside answers and thoughts.

 

YOU said it:

--- "You have one person who you want sexually and one person you feel secure with"----

 

That is how men view porn in a nutshell. Thank you very much! For all women who dont understand why now..... there it is. They want someone else sexually and want you for stability. And you have the NERVE to talk bad about women who are hurt by that. According to you we are just supposed to accept that. The majority of women love with their whole hearts and want only their man in both aspects. I would be completely happy if we could have a relationship like that. Men are so selfish to feel they have the RIGHT to be able to say I want this person sexually and I want you for support.

 

There is always a common ground that can be met in successful good relationships where neither feels deprived or hurt, but your perception of it is completely irrational.

 

 

Well,I think you missed MY point, and it's the same point I always make when it comes to this topic. Porn can and does make other males look inferior-period. Also, so many more women watch porn than you think. Just ask many of the female posters here- and it's not to get ideas

 

No matter the reason you watched it, you still got the same reaction you feared him having. Are you sure you aren't tempted now to watch it, since maybe your BF has a lot to compete with? Are you saying he refuses to cut it down or out?

 

As for the side argument about pressure being on men and/or women, I will continue to argue that point, and that's the problem: women just refuse to belive it's tough on men. Men ar not allowed to be insecure. Consider the following:

-There are no plus sized male models- if your an overweight male, "tough ****. Suck it up and find an overweight woman".

-There are plus sized female models

-Cougars are all the craze. There is even a show about one and now a website for them-because men their age are old and worthless, as is evident from this very forum where lots of men have no sex life with their wife why? hmmm- and it's not always lack of male attention.

- There is a show on cable about the life of a well hung male and his adventures with women.

- shows/soaps, where the men are shirtless as often as possible, the women prattle on and on, and if the men feel a bit bummed, they are labled as insecure.

- and why are all husbands portrayed as average, dumpy guys who just work around the house on commercials and TV sitcoms?

-throw in all the cheating that many females are a part of.

 

The point is, when females feel insecure in this country, they are felt bad for (me included, and I have a 13 yr old daughter), they rally together, and blame men and society. When men endure the same things women do, they have no support. They are told they are insecure, unattractive to females, and to man-up. Even men won't admit it. They are liars, and I will say that to their face.

 

The problem is women just refuse to belive that it goes both ways, no matter what you say or what examples you give. I sure hope you think about that when and if you have a son.

 

OP, I've known this for 20 years and that it would also get worse. way back in school, I bartended some male strip shows, and I knew and worked out with some of those strippers. I saw some pretty pathetic behavior from women-worse than men, and the stories I got from the guys, well, I think you can guess the main idea. And, many of these women were married. I'm also sure they went home and told their husbands that he was an insecure baby as they thought of the strippers while having sex. Or, just remembered their little trysts and convined themselves that it was just so separate from their husband-yea, one guy is around to mow the lawn and raise the kids. The other guy is the one she really wants to bang.

 

SO, I actually either agree or understand your point, as I always do with this topic. It's just that it definitely goes both ways, and we're all dishonest with eachother. I think we should all be either swingers/open and deal with the fallout, or otherwise consider cooling it with the obsession for others. It's bound to chip away at ego's, male and female. I don't care what anyone says or is afraid to admit.

.

[thegreatesthumphrey]

your right. we both actually agree, and are pointlessly arguing. Yes I believe it can go both ways. It is painful to either party to watch their significant other watching porn when they arent doing it themselves. Your also right I automatically say women, because we openly whine about it, and Im sure there are plenty of men who feel the same way they just dont openly express those feelings. So all you hear about is the women it hurts.

 

So no matter which sex doing it, watching porn is never "innocent" and it can be to some extent degrading to the other person. The other person should never be treated as inadequate, stupid, or overbearing if their feelings are hurt by it. Its the methods taken by both parties after it has been brought up that may be stupid or overbearing. Both parties should give a little if they really love each other.

 

Do you agree with that?