The ever constant question of men, porn, and jealousy... !

[AAlike]

As I was reading through this thread, I was wondering if you would do the same to him. Watch a bunch of porn and he would be jealous and insecure about you doing it but it is perfectly fine for him to do.

 

Let's get this straight yet again - no one is advocating watching porn instead of having sex or in lieu of contact with their significant other.

 

The other day my wife and I planned on having some morning sex before I went to work. However I got a call while I was in the shower asking me to come in early to help solve a work crisis - so that was no longer an option. My wife basically told me "oh well, guess I'll just have to get myself off" - well, good for her. I never asked what she was thinking about while she got off because A) I don't really care to know nor do I feel that it's my business and B) if I did know, I wouldn't particularly care - I think that since men have a greater distinction between visual stimuli and reality, it's a lot easier for us to handle.

 

Men are extremely insecure. Porn is very selfish and men are expressing that selfishness when they say there is nothing wrong with watching lots of porn and they won't stop. They aren't thinking about what if their gf or wife was looking at a bunch of well hung young stud muffins constantly and thinking about having sex with them. I seriously doubt most men would like it at all.

 

Again with the extremes - "won't stop" "constantly" etc. etc...I have said throughout this thread that excessive use of porn, or any amount of porn use that inhibits one's sex life is disrespectful (I have also said, and believe, that if your man is not interested in you and consequently has been using porn that taking the porn away is not going to all of a sudden make him want you again, but something tells me it's easier to blame the porn than admit sexual incompatibility).

 

I am only contesting the notion that if, for whatever reason, I decide to get myself off to some image that is not my wife, that this image is indicative of "what I really want" or that it has any bearing on my sex life, desire for her or really has any relevance at all once it is overwith. I think that is an utterly ridiculous notion.

 

Oh they say they wouldn't care because once again they selfishly think they are going to get the benefits of her increased desire but then when they find out she is bored in bed with them as she is getting her fix to the well young young things, and their sex life dwindles down to nothing, he isn't so keen on it anymore.

 

there is no doubt that men are very insecure about their sexual prowess - but if a man caught wind of the fact that his wife was bored in bed with him, although I'm sure he would freak out, he most likely would not attribute it to her visual fantasies, because, as I've stated, those two worlds don't interact for us.

 

To any of you ladies who are sick and tired of having to put up with your man's porn rubbish, just do it back to them and then some. Leave naked men photos laying all around and on your computer.

 

hey I have no problem with your "get even" mentality if you feel as if you're being disrespected. but you're never going to get even if you keep thinking like a woman.

 

If you really want to get to a man's insecurities, this ain't the way to do it. Just talk favorably about some guy you work with - not even sexually, just say "oh he's such a funny guy and dresses so nice" - I would wager that bothers him way more than porn. Responding to visual stimuli is an afterthought for us, we've been doing it since our bodies started to work.

Edited March 31, 2010 by AAlike

[LucreziaBorgia]

I stand by what I say about men not being allowed to be honest about their sexual fantasies. This thread alone is evidence of that.

 

The is no way a man can be 100% honest about what he fantasizes about with his SO without catching some degree of hell for it with the rare exception being if his partner is a woman who is confident and secure enough to separate fantasy from reality and not to be bothered by stuff like that.

Edited March 31, 2010 by LucreziaBorgia

[BlueeyedJonesy]

I stand by what I say about men not being allowed to be honest about their sexual fantasies. This thread alone is evidence of that.

 

The is no way a man can be 100% honest about what he fantasizes about with his SO without catching some degree of hell for it with the rare exception being if his partner is a woman who is confident and secure enough to separate fantasy from reality and not to be bothered by stuff like that.

 

In alot of cases...being confident has nothing to do with it. I used to be the most confident woman until my H's addiction to porn and other things that porn led to tore every little shred I had left...

 

I wish people would get it through their heads that just because a woman doesn't like her H watching porn doesn't mean shes jealous and close minded sexually.

[dreamingoftigers]

I find the people who use porn will often defend it regardless of whether or not they know the consequences to themselves or their partner just because they like their habit and don't want to give it up.

[LucreziaBorgia]

In alot of cases...being confident has nothing to do with it. I used to be the most confident woman until my H's addiction to porn and other things that porn led to tore every little shred I had left...

 

I wish people would get it through their heads that just because a woman doesn't like her H watching porn doesn't mean shes jealous and close minded sexually.

 

Addiction is a whole 'nother thing. I have always maintained that there are times when things can get out of hand and those are times where porn/masturbating takes the place of actual sex/intimacy in a relationship. That isn't a problem with fantasy - that is a problem with addiction. Definitely not the same!

 

I can understand not liking it, but making an attempt to understand why a man would do it under normal circumstances (not an addiction) is going to get a woman a lot further with her man than just a "I don't like it and you aren't allowed to do it" approach. A man is far more willing to compromise and see things from the woman's point of view, to the extent that she is willing to try to understand things from his point of view. Not accept, mind you - but understand.

 

If a woman can't and won't even attempt to understand a man's reasoning for doing something (excluding addiction - in that case the problem is addictive behavior, not porn necessarily) - then a woman can't very well expect a man to understand how she feels either.

 

It is about trying to see things from a point of view you don't share, so that you can work on solutions together that will work for you both.

 

Men and women generally do not think the same way when it comes to stuff like this. Women can say how they feel and men can say how they feel and all that will be accomplished, ever is just seeing that yeah.. we don't think alike. In order to make any sort of headway, men and women have to be willing and able to understand why the other sex thinks and feels the way they do instead of just rejecting it as 'wrong' or 'not how I feel'. You don't have to accept a certain viewpoint to understand it.

Edited April 1, 2010 by LucreziaBorgia

[SarahRose]

I stand by what I say about men not being allowed to be honest about their sexual fantasies. This thread alone is evidence of that.

 

The is no way a man can be 100% honest about what he fantasizes about with his SO without catching some degree of hell for it with the rare exception being if his partner is a woman who is confident and secure enough to separate fantasy from reality and not to be bothered by stuff like that.

 

Umm what about women's fantasies?

 

It is always about the guy's wants and fantasies and his woman is always to blame for his boredom or dissatisfaction in the bedroom.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Umm what about women's fantasies?

 

It is always about the guy's wants and fantasies and his woman is always to blame for his boredom or dissatisfaction in the bedroom.

 

Women fantasize differently than men do for the most part - a good deal of LS women maintain that they only fantasize about their SO, if they fantasize at all. I don't know that I've seen a thread on here from a guy who had a problem with how/why his girl masturbates and what she fantasizes about when she does it.

 

The only time I see a guy on here bored or dissatisfied it is because she has cut the sex down to once, maybe twice a month with no apparent reason even when he tries to do whatever it takes to make it pleasurable for her. He'll get a 'can you just make it quick?' or a 'dead fish position' and nothing can cause boredom or dissatisfaction like that can.

 

If the girlfriend wants to have sex, and wants to have great sex - no man (barring an addicted one) would rather watch porn and beat off. There would have to be a lot more going on for a man to be bored and/or dissatisfied with his sex life to that extent. Just because a guy beats it to porn does not mean he is bored or dissatisfied. It just means he masturbates in addition to his sex life.

 

Why does it have to be either/or? It isn't, regardless of how much women seem to think it is.

[dreamingoftigers]

I guess I would have a little trouble understanding how one could be two places at once. I know it doesn't work in my house.

 

I couldn't serve real sex on a silver platter here. No matter what I was willing to try and my H was NEVER into trying new things with me.

[dazzle22]

Dreaming of tigers..I am so sorry to hear of your pain.

 

My H is a recovering SA and yes, it is common for the W to become entangled in the porn as well. It started out as watching it with him and we would fool around together and I had no idea about everything else he was up to..

 

You are in a toxic situation and I am so so soooo sorry..because I can feel the pain just reading your post. If you ever need someone to talk to please PM me.

 

 

Interesting. What were the warning signs for you that there was addiction involved?. Do you feel at this point that agreeing to watch porn with one's husband so that he doesn't watch it alone is a slippery slope?

[LucreziaBorgia]

 

I couldn't serve real sex on a silver platter here. No matter what I was willing to try and my H was NEVER into trying new things with me.

 

Was he always that way with you?

[Jersey Shortie]

LucreziaBorgia

I stand by what I say about men not being allowed to be honest about their sexual fantasies. This thread alone is evidence of that.

 

The is no way a man can be 100% honest about what he fantasizes about with his SO without catching some degree of hell for it with the rare exception being if his partner is a woman who is confident and secure enough to separate fantasy from reality and not to be bothered by stuff like that.

 

That's a bunch of bull Lucrezia. Honesty shouldn't guarantee agreement or happiness. With honesty, comes repercussions sometimes. With honesty, comes hard choices and feelings. It's not easy but it's important to be honest, all around. It's not that men can't be honest, it's that men don't want to be honest and deal with the things that follow. They want to be honest and have perfect agreement for their actions and no troubles afterward. Well it doesn't work that way. You're pay off for being honest isn't happy smiles and nods. That's not life.

 

And while you say that men can't be honest about their fantasies, you pretty much are saying women shouldn't be honest about their feelings in regards to those fantasies.

 

 

I can understand not liking it, but making an attempt to understand why a man would do it under normal circumstances (not an addiction) is going to get a woman a lot further with her man than just a "I don't like it and you aren't allowed to do it" approach. A man is far more willing to compromise and see things from the woman's point of view, to the extent that she is willing to try to understand things from his point of view.

 

I'm sorry but men are not better at understanding women on this subject. Look at all the porn threads. Most of the men just shrug their shoulders and say they like porn and its too bad if a woman doesn't like it. Her problem, he isn't going to stop. That's their idea of "compromising". Most men don't try to understand where women are coming from.

 

 

Women fantasize differently than men do for the most part - a good deal of LS women maintain that they only fantasize about their SO, if they fantasize at all. I don't know that I've seen a thread on here from a guy who had a problem with how/why his girl masturbates and what she fantasizes about when she does it.

 

That's because as you said, most women talk about how they think about HIM. Why would that bother him? Infact, it's a thing to puff your chest out about. Most men are thinking about any woman that isn't her. That sends a BIG message to their partner.

 

If the girlfriend wants to have sex, and wants to have great sex - no man (barring an addicted one) would rather watch porn and beat off.

 

Clearly untrue considering the volume of relationship issues we have seen in regards to questions women have about men and porn. It's not a matter that real life sex is so much better for men. It's the fact that men want a real woman when they want it and they want to masturbate when they want it. Men choose porn all the time everyday over real life sex.

 

 

Why does it have to be either/or? It isn't, regardless of how much women seem to think it is.

 

If he's happy with his sex life, why masturbate?

[dreamingoftigers]

Was he always that way with you?

 

No we had a red-hot sex life until the month after we got married, then I couldn't push the stuff. he shut down on our honeymoon and never got back up.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Honesty shouldn't guarantee agreement or happiness.

 

It should, however guarantee an open and reciprocal exchange of ideas. Unfortunately, that isn't how life usually works and people are more often punished for honesty when it comes to relationship and sexual issues.

 

I've seen men here be honest about how they feel about porn/masturbation, weight issues, age issues, sexual issues, and so on and it is rare that they aren't skewered for it and that is in a fairly insulated and anonymous setting!

 

In real life, men can't say stuff like that at all and when they do all hell breaks loose.

 

I hear women say all the time that they want a man to be honest and then turn around and attack him with an emotional overload. I'm beginning to think that a lot of women don't want a man at all so much as they want a man with a woman's brain.

[LucreziaBorgia]

No we had a red-hot sex life until the month after we got married, then I couldn't push the stuff. he shut down on our honeymoon and never got back up.

 

I'm wondering if he has some sort of deep seated neurosis about marriage in general? When you guys got engaged and started planning to get married who took the lead on that? Was he enthusiastic about it?

[Engadget]

It should, however guarantee an open and reciprocal exchange of ideas. Unfortunately, that isn't how life usually works and people are more often punished for honesty when it comes to relationship and sexual issues.

 

I've seen men here be honest about how they feel about porn/masturbation, weight issues, age issues, sexual issues, and so on and it is rare that they aren't skewered for it and that is in a fairly insulated and anonymous setting!

 

In real life, men can't say stuff like that at all and when they do all hell breaks loose.

 

I hear women say all the time that they want a man to be honest and then turn around and attack him with an emotional overload. I'm beginning to think that a lot of women don't want a man at all so much as they want a man with a woman's brain.

 

This is very true, I'm honest to a fault and women blow up when you're that honest.

 

Women want someone who can read their minds as well, and I read one reason is because women are more emotional attuned to others, and they expect the same thing from men. I'm pretty good at reading people as well more like women are, and it makes for interesting situations.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm wondering if he has some sort of deep seated neurosis about marriage in general? When you guys got engaged and started planning to get married who took the lead on that? Was he enthusiastic about it?

 

This is the funny part. He is the one that wanted to get married. I had just come away from a broken engagement and had very little interest in a serious relationship etc. esp. marriage. We dated and travelled together for a bit and we weren't officially together for awhile because I thought we were "just having fun." He had always been very pursuant of me but I figured he was just trying to get laid. Then the marriage push started, I was shocked, I didn't even think he was the marrying type. He was respectful of me and so much fun, I was really swept away by him (I was also only 22) so yeah, we got married. He asked me about 4 times LOL

[LucreziaBorgia]

What was his home like like? I'm wondering if he has some sort of problem from way back that he has carried forward into your marriage. It sounds like a madonna/whore thing where he can get off to porn, he can have great sex with a woman not his wife but as soon as that woman becomes a wife, he can no longer psychologically perform and has to turn back to porn, etc. to get sexual release. You see that in men who had suffering martyr type mothers, or mothers who had 'mamas boys' for sons and fathers who were philanderers, abusers or who were just downright cold to their wives. Could be any number of things, but it is significant that as soon as you were married he turned into what he is now.

[BlueeyedJonesy]

Interesting. What were the warning signs for you that there was addiction involved?. Do you feel at this point that agreeing to watch porn with one's husband so that he doesn't watch it alone is a slippery slope?

 

I found myself stepping out of my comfort zone all too often to keep his intrest on me..it was competing with porn and phone sex(the phone sex was the biggest problem) I would talk ALOT dirtier that usual and just started losing myself...sexually. Sometimes I would feel so fake when it was all over I would go cry in the bathroom. The biggest red flag that he was addicted..was not being able to stop and waking up in the middle of the night AFTER HAVING SEX hours before and he would be in the other room with his "mistress"..

[dazzle22]

I found myself stepping out of my comfort zone all too often to keep his intrest on me..it was competing with porn and phone sex(the phone sex was the biggest problem) I would talk ALOT dirtier that usual and just started losing myself...sexually. Sometimes I would feel so fake when it was all over I would go cry in the bathroom. The biggest red flag that he was addicted..was not being able to stop and waking up in the middle of the night AFTER HAVING SEX hours before and he would be in the other room with his "mistress"..

 

 

verry, verrrry interesting...Your last comment really hit me. I think that is how we feel when men have SOs who are more than willing and find they are CHOOSING porn over us. It feels like a MISTRESS....oh, I can hear the male posters howling foul on this, but it makes a lot of sense to me as to the feeling a woman gets...

[BlueeyedJonesy]

verry, verrrry interesting...Your last comment really hit me. I think that is how we feel when men have SOs who are more than willing and find they are CHOOSING porn over us. It feels like a MISTRESS....oh, I can hear the male posters howling foul on this, but it makes a lot of sense to me as to the feeling a woman gets...

 

once it gets out of control yes..I just want to offer insight about what can happen when it gets out of control.

 

Its crazy because I never knew what real passionate sex was like

with my h until after he started intense therapy for his addiction.. He is now in tune with me..he looks at me, I'm beautiful, and I never felt that way with him. I'm happy with where we are.

[dreamingoftigers]

What was his home like like? I'm wondering if he has some sort of problem from way back that he has carried forward into your marriage. It sounds like a madonna/whore thing where he can get off to porn, he can have great sex with a woman not his wife but as soon as that woman becomes a wife, he can no longer psychologically perform and has to turn back to porn, etc. to get sexual release. You see that in men who had suffering martyr type mothers, or mothers who had 'mamas boys' for sons and fathers who were philanderers, abusers or who were just downright cold to their wives. Could be any number of things, but it is significant that as soon as you were married he turned into what he is now.

 

His mother is a martyr, and I am ashamed to admit that I have some of those traits too. Oh great.

 

His biological mother was 16 when she had him and his father abandoned the family (even though he was 22 and had actually married her). He bounced from foster home to foster home and then ended up being raised by his grandmother (who is a nightmare). She was a fanatic Jehovah's Witness. The part that needs to be underlined is fanatic, not Jehovah's Witness. She wouldn't let him out of his room for long periods of time, he wasn't allowed any friends besides other witnesses' kids and that meant one friend who had crazy parents too that would always stand him in the corner for 45 minute stretches.

 

He got so frustrated by being imprisoned all the time that he started pissing on the carpet in his room, later he actually planned an escape and ended up in foster care again at 14. He went to a foster home that was completely out of control and lost his virginity there to one of the babysitters.

 

Hmm, maybe he didn't have a good model for intimacy, eh?

[dreamingoftigers]

verry, verrrry interesting...Your last comment really hit me. I think that is how we feel when men have SOs who are more than willing and find they are CHOOSING porn over us. It feels like a MISTRESS....oh, I can hear the male posters howling foul on this, but it makes a lot of sense to me as to the feeling a woman gets...

 

Absolutely the computer has become my husband's mistress. Many times I have had the desire to give it a bath.

[dreamingoftigers]

once it gets out of control yes..I just want to offer insight about what can happen when it gets out of control.

 

Its crazy because I never knew what real passionate sex was like

with my h until after he started intense therapy for his addiction.. He is now in tune with me..he looks at me, I'm beautiful, and I never felt that way with him. I'm happy with where we are.

 

OMG, I so wish that this would happen with us

That would change my whole world.