Where to go from here...

[wayj99]

I've been trying to figure out where to proceed with my marriage since D-Day. I'm hoping you guys can give me some advice.

 

My wife of 2 years cheated on me back in September. I didn't find out until the end of October. She lied about her interactions with this person who was a friend of ours. I found out that she said she loved him and she explained it to me as just saying it as friends, however she said it during sex with him.

 

Shortly after I found out, I felt like I didn't want to continue with the marriage and filing for divorce was best. Not knowing if this was the right choice though, I wanted to give it some time. I spent a couple weeks with friends in another state and hardly spoke with my wife during this time. Since then, we have been trading off time at home. We have been going to MC which hasn't seemed to help much, except help to identify WHY and that our marriage wasn't actually perfect before D-Day.

 

When we are together, we are ok, however I'm very withdrawn....just not knowing if I should really be there. Being scared of getting hurt again. She pressures me at times and lectures me on not giving her much attention, not calling, not emailing, etc. I asked the other day how her love for me has changed, if at all. She said she loves me more now than in September. I asked why. She said because she's scared of loosing me. Not quite the response I expected.....kind of hurt. She wants more than anything to make it work. She also cheated on me a couple years before we married.

 

I'm hoping you guys can help provide some advice or tell me about your similar stories.

 

Thanks!

[bryanp]

Hello,

 

I am sorry for what you are going through. In general (not always) but a person's past behavior is a good predictor of future behavior. She cheated on you while you were dating and now cheats on you with a friend while she is married to you. She says she does not wish to lose you. What does that mean? Does it mean she does not wish to lose the financial security she has being in a marriage with you? Why did she not want to lose you when she was cheating on you and putting your health at risk? The fact that she cheated on you while you were dating and now this indicates that is probably a pattern of behavior of hers when she becomes unhappy. Another problem is that is appears it is very easy for her to fool you. If you do not have children I would suggest that you look for someone else in the future who does not have a propensity to cheat on you. There is an old saying that says look at person's actions and not their words. The actions of your wife speaks volumes about her character. I wish you luck.

[will_woman]

Hi,

I have the similar experience as yours. You can refer to the "Husband found new love in foreign land"

The only difference is your wife still come back to you and does not want a divorce. As for my case, my spouse still insisted on getting one.

You have to weight along the line "can you take another blow if she cheats on you again?"

I can understand how you feel especially she told you that they had sex and etc.

I am not sure whether you can trust what she said to you such as she loved you more than ever.

 

I think since our spouses cheated on us, we will lead a better life than them. We deserve another new person who will be part of our new lives. However, you must heal your wounds.....time will help.

For myself, it's been 3 months since he asked for divorce. I still feel the pain occassionally and it is getting lesser each day. For a while, I thought my wounds will never heal and I can feel that my pain is getting lesser.

GOOD LUCK TO YOU!!!!!!

[TMCM]

One good way of gauging your unfaithful wive's words is by how willing she is to put into practice the principle of mutual accountability. Is she willing to give you all of her e-mail, cell phone passwords? Is she willing to tell you where she is going? Is she willing to write or call the OM (with you present) and tell him that she doesn't want to see him anymore? If she is more than willing then your marriage does have a good chance to recover BUT if she acts indignant that you don't trust her enough to take her word ( I know it sounds ludicrous but it does happen often enough), then that will tell you that she is not serious about working to save the marriage and that she is still in contact with the OM. There is NO WAY for you to save your marriage as long as she is in contact with the OM and she is not willing to be an open book to you. There can be no love without respect, and if you don't respect yourself, why should you expect respect from her?

[wayj99]

Thanks everyone. These are all great replies.

 

It is easy to fool me. I trust everyone, so it's easy to fool me because of this. She's gotten a lot more creative over the years as she knows how I have caught her in lies before. I already knew her passwords, so I didn't even have to ask for those. I asked her to tell me where she goes at all times and she has agreed and has been doing so. All contact has been cut off with the OM. I'm in constant contact with the OM's ex-finace so we both monitor things pretty close. Contact was actually cut off before I found out because we found out the OM had a crush on my W.

 

A couple weeks ago we both needed physical affection, so we had sex. Afterwards she said "oh crap, I stopped birth control a week ago". Supposidly she thought there was no chance she'd even be touching me again, so there was no point and why not save some $$$. How can you rebuild trust when stuff like this happens?

 

I certainly couldn't take another blow if she cheated on me again and I think my friends would disown me in this case too as they have dished out tons of support through this and they want me to move on.

 

will_woman, I'm sorry you are having a similar experience as mine. It's a horrible place to be and your's even sounds much worse. I feel for you. Please let me know if I can help in any way.

[TMCM]

Originally posted by wayj99:

 

A couple weeks ago we both needed physical affection, so we had sex. Afterwards she said "oh crap, I stopped birth control a week ago". Supposidly she thought there was no chance she'd even be touching me again, so there was no point and why not save some $$$. How can you rebuild trust when stuff like this happens?

 

Contraception is the responsibility of BOTH sexual partners. You should have used contraception considering how precarious the marriage is at this moment. The last thing you want on your conscience is to have the knowledge that you contributed in bringing an innocent child into the world in such an unresolved situation. Please don't shirk your share of the responsibility when it comes to contraception.