blue.iris Posted February 22, 2010 Share Posted February 22, 2010 How did you deal with the situation? Let me start by saying that my bf has many best friends, not just her, and quite a few of them are women, but no one is as interfering as this one! He's known her for 10 years, and for 7 of those 10 years, he was in a very committed relationship--she had a slight crush on him but didn't persue it. Then he broke up and all hell broke loose. Every slight move he made, she overanalyzed it and assumed he might be interested in her. He told her point blank he wasn't. There was a situation where she asked him to make out with her, he thought about it, but didn't b/c he simply couldn't relate to her that way. She was flirty with him since but as they lived in two different cities, she couldn't really persue him. Then, he met me, started going out with me, and all hell broke loose again. By this time, I don't know if she was still interested in him (she denies it), but she was very territorial about him indeed. We dated for three weeks and she'd call him every day to check up on him. He left for his 3 month internship to his native country and she followed (for her summer vacation, as it is her native country too). During this time, she flirted with him, talked to her friends about him as if he really really liked her, etc. Even his cousins and uncle kept telling him this girl had a huge crush on him. The thing that pisses me off is she knew he was going out with me. So it's not like he didn't tell her he was going out with someone else, she was knowingly persuing a guy who was in a relationship ** though I will say, her aggressive behavior kept other girls from hitting on him in his native country. She would analyze every little thing he said, to use it as evidence that he did not really like me and was only using me...and that in reality he liked her. Like, he told her he did not know whether our relationship would work out, that he would have to return and see -- which makes sense since we had only been dating for three weeks before he left. But she took that as he would never be as committed to me as he was in his last relationship. Then he returned to campus and our relationship grew stronger, similarly she grew angrier with him by the day. They had a falling out since he couldn't spend time talking to her as he had before dating me, and they didn't talk for two months. Since they have a huge circle of mutual close friends, I could overhear conversations that my bf was having with them and apparently she felt very hurt by his behavior. He had had enough of her BS and thought he would only start talking to her again after she stopped acting like a lunatic....which she did after two months. Since she was one of his best friends, especially one who had comforted him after his break up, I figured that as long as she behaved herself, I shouldn't have a problem if she and my bf maintained their friendship. Sadly, she started her lunatic behavior again by asking him whether he found me or his ex prettier (moot point b/c we are from different ethnicities) and she'd go on about how he'd forgotten his old friends. By this time, my bf and I were completely in love with each other and he said he felt closer to me than he ever did with his ex, even after 7 years together. Up to this point, I hadn't said anything about his friend b/c I figured it wasn't my business--but after i found out that during his internship, during a night out with friends, she had started saying 'she's not really your girlfriend' and she had even messaged him 'yours isn't a real relationship' I got livid. Kind of like the straw that broke the camel's back. He stopped talking to her again for a while until I had calmed down about the whole thing. These days she still leaves flirty messages on my bf's facebook wall 'call me love xoxoxoxoxo' 'call meeeeeeeeeeeeee.' At any given point, the majority of his wall messages are from her. She's got a bf now and she got him to add my bf on facebook so he can take a look at my bf's page. I'm convinced she did this to get her bf jealous with her 'call meeeeeeeeeeee' wall posts. Though, to her benifit, she has stopped flirting on the phone and stopped accusing him of forgetting his friends etc. The sad thing in all this is, she sees nothing wrong with her behavior. She's approached me on facebook (I've friended her as well), and tries to be friendly and ask him about me etc. What should I do? Should I assume whatever feelings/obsessions she had about my bf are over and be friends with her? Or would that be too naive? Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted February 22, 2010 Share Posted February 22, 2010 I would be more concerned about your b/fs behaviour. It's in his control to do something about this. The question is why he's not doing anything about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blue.iris Posted February 22, 2010 Author Share Posted February 22, 2010 I would be more concerned about your b/fs behaviour. It's in his control to do something about this. The question is why he's not doing anything about it. Well, he's gotten used to her over the 10 years, and he's never, at any point, been attracted to her. When he met me, he explained that he's always seen her as his hairy, slightly ditzy (good) friend who thinks she's the smartest most beautiful girl going. Even in their group of friends, the guys are always laughing about how she's so jealous about his girlfriend, or that she's obsessed with him. Also, she was there for him when he needed his friends--after his break up, which wasn't good. Her attention seeking behavior has died down now comparitively, except for the facebook wall messages and he has asked me if he should tell her to stop. I declined it b/c I'm sure she will start telling their entire group of friends how he told her to stop messaging him because of his insecure girlfriend. I just wanted to know if anyone else has gone through something similar. And whether I should try and move past this and be friends or keep a very long distance. Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted February 22, 2010 Share Posted February 22, 2010 So that you know, I'm not suggesting that he's interested in her. He just enjoys the attention she gives him and also, appears to use her like a stick on you. An ego thing for him, where she strokes his ego with her dedication, and also provides a sympathetic ear for him, with any of his problems. He wouldn't be telling you so much about her dedication, if not to push your jealousy button. If that's fine with you, then it's all good. Why would he be asking you if her messages on FB bother you? If anything, he knows she bothers you. He should be automatically deleting those messages out of respect for your feelings and telling her to cease and desist. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted February 22, 2010 Share Posted February 22, 2010 You really have absolutely no influence over this woman's choice in her behavior, but I agree with TBF (again, ha ha). Your boyfriend is the one who owes it to you to behave in a respectful manner and he is the one who should tell her to curtail her behavior out of respect for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blue.iris Posted February 22, 2010 Author Share Posted February 22, 2010 I agree with the attention thing, especially when I first met him. Though from what I know, most of their convos are very once sided, she does all the talking about her problems, theories etc. So it's more like she's the one who has to talk. I've seen him leave the phone on the desk (she's talking about something) and come back 6/7 mins later and she's still talking, and has no clue b/c she's talking nonstop. And he's very private about his problems, the only person he would talk about real problems with is his mom. He has other female friends too, ones who are far prettier and smarter, so I'm thinking if he wanted to make me jealous, he'd use one of them. About facebook, he's given me his account details and full permission to delete public things I don't like and add things I like--he's very busy and goes on facebook once a week. So when I didn't delete her messages, he asked me whether he should just tell her instead. I know and trust him extremely well. It's her that's got me baffled. Is she sincerely trying to be my friend or just trying to get to know me and use it against me. Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted February 23, 2010 Share Posted February 23, 2010 I think anything you confide in her will be twisted and turned against you, in this situation. I would proceed with caution, as far as she's concerned. She's already shown open contempt for your R with your bf. I would highly suspicious of her motives in befriending you. It's a tactic commonly used by relationship saboteurs.I suspect she's fishing for inside info. She'll try to get you to complain about the R, and she'll go running to him to tell him everything you said........... You can be civil, and polite to her, for the sake of decorum. And when she tries to milk you for any info whatsoever about the status of your R, you could simply respond by saying, "Sorry, but that's personal." "That's between myself and ****." My guess is that she'll lose interest in being your 'friend', as soon as you establish that boundary. She does not have your best interests in mind. Only her own agenda. I've been through a situation nearly identical to yours, I had to deal with the same behavior from one of my bf's female friends---she was territorial, and attempted to sabotage and undermine our R. Reading your post gave me flashbacks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blue.iris Posted February 23, 2010 Author Share Posted February 23, 2010 Thanks freestyle. My boyfriend's always thought of her as a harmless drama queen, but I think she's on the lookout for any flaws she can find. She's already complained to him that while she tells him all her problems, he never talks to her about his. If you don't mind my asking, did your bf's friend finally leave you guys alone, or is her behavior ongoing? Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted February 23, 2010 Share Posted February 23, 2010 I agree with the attention thing, especially when I first met him. Though from what I know, most of their convos are very once sided, she does all the talking about her problems, theories etc. So it's more like she's the one who has to talk. I've seen him leave the phone on the desk (she's talking about something) and come back 6/7 mins later and she's still talking, and has no clue b/c she's talking nonstop. And he's very private about his problems, the only person he would talk about real problems with is his mom. Why on earth is this man "best friends" with this woman? If she truly is so crazed, and he cares so little for her - wouldn't it be kinder to send her on her way so she could possibly invest in friendships that are more...supportive? I know this thread is all about bashing this unknown woman, but IME you can accomplish more with compassion than being aggro. Just my experience. Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted February 23, 2010 Share Posted February 23, 2010 Why on earth is this man "best friends" with this woman? If she truly is so crazed, and he cares so little for her - wouldn't it be kinder to send her on her way so she could possibly invest in friendships that are more...supportive? I know this thread is all about bashing this unknown woman, but IME you can accomplish more with compassion than being aggro. Just my experience.And I agree with you again! It really sounds like he's using her, which doesn't speak well for him. As well, no matter what you tell her, even if you said the sun shines out of his arse, this is easy to twist around as saying, you're incredibly needy, that you can't live without him. People can be really manipulative, if they're determined to find fault with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blue.iris Posted February 23, 2010 Author Share Posted February 23, 2010 Sorry about that blind otter, I know I come across harshly because I've been dealing with her for two years now. And lately things were going sort of well, she hadn't thrown any tantrums of how all her friends were gone etc. She'd mentioned visiting us, and I was okay with it. But then she started again with trying to make her bf jealous using mine. It makes me feel like she's undermining our relationship, and she's doing that through a very public medium. In regards to him, he listens very well when there is a real problem. But most of her convos are about talking about herself, her clothes, all the boys who like her etc. Anyway, I don't know why he's friends with her. He says there is a much nicer side to her and she's sort of gone quirky during these last few years. Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted February 23, 2010 Share Posted February 23, 2010 Thanks freestyle. My boyfriend's always thought of her as a harmless drama queen, but I think she's on the lookout for any flaws she can find. She's already complained to him that while she tells him all her problems, he never talks to her about his. If you don't mind my asking, did your bf's friend finally leave you guys alone, or is her behavior ongoing? No, i don't mind you asking at all, I'm always glad to help where I can. In some ways, yes, she's left it alone, and my bf says that he's changed the nature of his relationship with her, but I still can't help but feel like there's a snake nearby, waiting to strike.She's still involved in his life to an extent , because they work together. He says he no longer confides in her, and the friendship is strictly professional now. He made the mistake of discussing our R issues with her, before I'd even met her. The very first time I met her, she pulled me to the side and rather smugly told me everything he said to her.Then she tried to get me to complain about him, which I wouldn't do.(I knew something was very, very off....) Nonetheless, I tried very hard to be friendly and diplomatic with her... repeatedly. It's been useless, she had her mind made up about me before she even met me.And she still gets very snarky and downright nasty with me sometimes, but only when my bf is out of earshot.........:rolleyes: I'm trying to view her the way an adult would view the antics of a petulant child...but I have to admit , it does get under my skin at times. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blue.iris Posted February 23, 2010 Author Share Posted February 23, 2010 I'm trying to view her the way an adult would view the antics of a petulant child...but I have to admit , it does get under my skin at times Bingo! That's exactly how I'd describe her. Thanks for the input. Good thing most of her annoying behavior has died down. I'm hoping the same thing will happen with this one. Link to post Share on other sites
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