Distinguishing between compromising and emotional abuse

[Gerhard]

I have a tough time drawing the line between where compromising stops and emotional abuse begins. In my relationship with my wife, there is a lot of compromising. But much of the feedback I've received suggests that the compromising that's being done is done so out of emotionally abusive pressure from the other.

 

For example, the wife wants us to go to the movies and I want us to relax at home. If she gives in and we relax at home, then I'm guilty of "controlling" her in an emotionally abusive way. And if I give in to her desire to go to the movies, then she's guilty of "controlling" me in an emotionally abusive way. Where does emotional abuse stop and compromise begins?

[threebyfate]

Healthy relationships contain strong elements of wanting to please each other and enjoying both giving and receiving. It's not a power struggle between two selfish individuals.

[2sunny]

have you done any counseling yet G?

 

this looks like same thread - different week... what has changed? i'm really interested to know - because if you haven't done YOUR part to change anything, why do you expect anything to look different?

[threebyfate]

Gerhard, to give you an example of what happens in my marriage, say H. wants to go out and I want to stay home, although most often this type of determined polarization doesn't happen. Most often, one person suggests and the other person goes along with it. But...when we're that polarized, the person wanting to go out, will call up a friend and go out. And no one is hurt by it. We don't have to be joined at the hip until death.

[Gerhard]

have you done any counseling yet G?

Yes, I'm in counseling. She's willing to read couples self help books together but still isn't willing to go to counseling. The hope is that the counseling I'm going to will eventually transition into joint/couples counseling.

 

this looks like same thread - different week... what has changed?

This thread doesn't pertain to any specific behavior of my wife. The more I read about emotional abuse and/or listen to others, it seems like any compromise or sacrifice made by one partner could be construed to be done because of emotional abuse.

[2sunny]

Yes, I'm in counseling. She's willing to read couples self help books together but still isn't willing to go to counseling. The hope is that the counseling I'm going to will eventually transition into joint/couples counseling.

 

 

This thread doesn't pertain to any specific behavior of my wife. The more I read about emotional abuse and/or listen to others, it seems like any compromise or sacrifice made by one partner could be construed to be done because of emotional abuse.

 

ok G - so counseling is a good move, whether she eventually goes or not. i commend you!

 

as far as you - only you can know where that emotional boundary is... set it - stick to it, and then you will be much happier and healthier for it!

 

now - as far as the boundary... i'll give you a clue... your gut will always tug at you when something is "off" - that is your cue to pay attention to what your gut is signaling you for. then the action you need to take - once taken - will bring you back to a state of "good balance" and you won't feel out of balance any longer.

 

to stay aware is key... good luck and let me know how it goes.

[carhill]

When 'compromise' becomes a one-way street, 'abuse' is well under way ...

[Confused4Now]

When 'compromise' becomes a one-way street, 'abuse' is well under way ...

Ain't that the freakin truth.....most definite about that. I was in a marriage where it seemed I was the one always compromising as soon as I started reading the abuse books it was clear what I was in and I got out period.

[You Go Girl]

Abuse is easy to distinguish from mere conflict.

Abuse involves manipulation, degradation, intimidation.

Conflict is simply disagreement.

Some people can't disagree without being abusive.

Some people can't have someone else disagree with them without regarding it as abusive, they are conflict avoiders.

[hoping2heal]

I have a tough time drawing the line between where compromising stops and emotional abuse begins. In my relationship with my wife, there is a lot of compromising. But much of the feedback I've received suggests that the compromising that's being done is done so out of emotionally abusive pressure from the other.

 

For example, the wife wants us to go to the movies and I want us to relax at home. If she gives in and we relax at home, then I'm guilty of "controlling" her in an emotionally abusive way. And if I give in to her desire to go to the movies, then she's guilty of "controlling" me in an emotionally abusive way. Where does emotional abuse stop and compromise begins?

 

What??????? Okay, first off not getting your way in a relationship does not equate to emotional abuse. Abuse wether it is physical, emotional, or sexual is about controlling another person. Neither one of you are going to get your way 100% of the time. There will be times she has to sacrifice and stay at home, and times you want to stay in where you sacrifice and go out. Judging by the example given it sounds like there may be manipulation going on but I wouldn't call either of you full on abusers. You should BOTH be able to give in to the other here and there without putting on a guilt trip to make the other person feel bad.

[carhill]

H2H, read his backstory. There's a lot of issues at work, on both sides.

 

'I feel constantly pressured. I feel my needs are being ignored. That's unacceptable. Good bye'....

 

I've found good-bye, regardless of relationship status, is the clear decision when compromise fails. No abuse, no yelling, no manipulation, just gone, and healthily so

[shadowofman]

If people think deciding on whether or not going to the movies is emotional abuse, I would hate to think what other people think about my relationship.

[shadowplay]

When 'compromise' becomes a one-way street, 'abuse' is well under way ...

 

this is a very loose definition of abuse.

[carhill]

I can disagree with the characterization but I would have a difficult time invalidating 'I feel abused'. Try it and see. Think about what one compromises in an abusive situation and how it feels.

 

1. To use wrongly or improperly; misuse: abuse alcohol; abuse a privilege.

 

'You're abusing my love, commitment and fidelity. I feel abused by xxxx'

[MichelleZB]

Compromise is something both people do--both sides give a little and they meet somewhere in the middle. Sometimes, compromise isn't possible. For instance, before we were married, both my husband and lived and had jobs in different cities. It wasn't possible to "compromise" in that situation--one of us had to move, and one of us did.

 

In your movie scenario, though, there are lots of ways to compromise. One person wants to go to the movies, socialize, etc. while the other wants to relax at home. Ways to compromise:

 

a) The couple decides to do one activity that night with an agreement to do the other the next night.

b) The couple stays at home but rents a movie, and maybe has a friend or two over for the social aspect.

c) They drop both plans and go on a quiet walk--they're still going out, but it's quiet and just the two of them.

ETC.

 

Compromising and negotiating isn't abuse. No two people will agree all the time. But it's probably abuse if one partner ends up constantly feeling like they've been coerced to take the short end of the stick in every deal.

[Manchester Man]

Fear.

Are u afraid of the other becoming angry if you disagree?

Do you walk on eggshells around them?

Have they physically attacked you? Or made serious attempts or threats to do so?

Do they throw things or break things during rage attacks?

Do they have a tendency to major rage explosions?

Do you make efforts to avoid them getting angry, because like the hulk said-don't get me angry-you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

'cept this is no joke, not when you've lived with someone like that.

No joke at all.

So....are you afraid?

[You Go Girl]

Fear.

Are u afraid of the other becoming angry if you disagree?

Do you walk on eggshells around them?

Have they physically attacked you? Or made serious attempts or threats to do so?

Do they throw things or break things during rage attacks?

Do they have a tendency to major rage explosions?

Do you make efforts to avoid them getting angry, because like the hulk said-don't get me angry-you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

'cept this is no joke, not when you've lived with someone like that.

No joke at all.

So....are you afraid?

 

Rage, or very angry, is wrong, unless...you lie to them.

If you lie to someone, they have every right to get into a rage, because it isn't a fair argument, it's a ruse.

[SummerLady]

Gerhard, to give you an example of what happens in my marriage, say H. wants to go out and I want to stay home, although most often this type of determined polarization doesn't happen. Most often, one person suggests and the other person goes along with it. But...when we're that polarized, the person wanting to go out, will call up a friend and go out. And no one is hurt by it. We don't have to be joined at the hip until death.

 

This sounds totally logical but its tough to put into practice in my opinion. Say I want to go somewhere and I want SO to go with me, its important to me he goes with me...Why shouldn't he go, I am sure there will be one time that I am going to do something I would rather not do for him, give and take. Now I agree if this happens often it needs to be addressed but once in a while we have to give in a tad. When someone never gives in to me it sends a message, I don't care about you and your needs. But I agree some things you should call a friend or go it alone. But if its important and not something random the other person should go.

[SummerLady]

Rage, or very angry, is wrong, unless...you lie to them.

If you lie to someone, they have every right to get into a rage, because it isn't a fair argument, it's a ruse.

 

I do not agree that Rage is acceptable due to lying. Rage is never acceptable and rage leads other things. There are no fair arguments as everyone defends their own points and own actions and justifies them. When people lie to you there is nothing left to talk about. Rage is a waste of time. I see how it happens though, I was pretty Pis^^ED off myself...

[You Go Girl]

I do not agree that Rage is acceptable due to lying. Rage is never acceptable and rage leads other things. There are no fair arguments as everyone defends their own points and own actions and justifies them. When people lie to you there is nothing left to talk about. Rage is a waste of time. I see how it happens though, I was pretty Pis^^ED off myself...

 

Yes, rage is a waste of time. It's a very normal reaction though, the first few times you catch somebody lying to you. After the first few times, there's some wising up to be accomplished.

Excellent point about there is nothing to talk about when somebody lies to you.

You can try to get through--and it's usually pointless. Still, we all try to get through the first few times...

Some people though, are so unassertive, that they don't even show anger when they are lied to.

It's dangerous too not to stand up for yourself, and to bury anger, which can lead to depression, as depression is anger turned inward.

Anger, actually, is a self-protection emotion. It's your pal if you're being duped. Blinding rage though just hurts ourselves.

I am learning about my anger, when it's my friend, when it's my enemy.

I believe I can say that my anger is good if it pulls my head out of my arse. But does it ever?

And it can destroy me too. I've put 99% of my anger by the wayside and have learned how to detach emotionally. What a huge leap that was for me, and how very difficult.

Maybe anger is horrible confusion.

[candymoon]

Yes, rage is a waste of time. It's a very normal reaction though, the first few times you catch somebody lying to you. After the first few times, there's some wising up to be accomplished.

Excellent point about there is nothing to talk about when somebody lies to you.

You can try to get through--and it's usually pointless. Still, we all try to get through the first few times...

Some people though, are so unassertive, that they don't even show anger when they are lied to.

It's dangerous too not to stand up for yourself, and to bury anger, which can lead to depression, as depression is anger turned inward.

Anger, actually, is a self-protection emotion. It's your pal if you're being duped. Blinding rage though just hurts ourselves.

I am learning about my anger, when it's my friend, when it's my enemy.

I believe I can say that my anger is good if it pulls my head out of my arse. But does it ever?

And it can destroy me too. I've put 99% of my anger by the wayside and have learned how to detach emotionally. What a huge leap that was for me, and how very difficult.

Maybe anger is horrible confusion.

 

I think here, we're confusing rage with being furious or irate.

 

True rage is definately blinding... but when in a true rage we are not conscious when it happens. True rage is what happens when the husband comes home, finds the wife in bed with another man, blacks out, comes to with blood on his hands.

 

True rage comes with blackout through the duration of the rage.

 

True rage stems from deep psychological pain from victimization and feelings of absolute helpless, usually from situations of extreme abuse in childhood.

 

True rage is usually focused on one thing--fight or flight and eliminating the object (person) that has inflicted this reaction, and is completely out of control.

 

IMHO true rage is somewhat rare amongst the general population.

 

I have experienced true rage 3 times in my life. It is dark, it is animal, and it is absolute. Nothing else exists when in this state. I would take being furious at a liar anytime over that.