Doreme Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 Can anyone here give me an example that your marriage has actually become stronger after infidelity? Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 There are cases in which a woman gets more involved in her husband's business, snooping around in his stuff more often and checking up on his whereabouts, thus "strengthening" her connection to her husband's life. But underneath a commited, healthy relationship is trust. Infidelity breaks that trust. So answer: No. But I'm neither a cheater nor married, don't take my word for it. Link to post Share on other sites
DerangedAngel Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 It didn't strengthen my relationship. Actually it has been at the source of many problems for us. But we chose to stay together. I don't trust him the way I used to, and maybe I never will. But I hope to. -Deranged Link to post Share on other sites
Doreme Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 So, it's like a glass, once borken, you can never fix it as new. Let's wait and see if someone would come forward and tell us a different story Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 Just because I love analogies so much, you're right. It is like a glass. Once broken, you can put the pieces back together and glue them, even to the point of being able to use the glass again for drinking out of. However, each time you drink the glass, you'll see the cracks, and you'll remember that the glass isn't quite what it used to be. You may notice your drink tastes funny, and you'll blame it on the glass, yet no matter how good it tastes, the cracks will never go away. Plus, if you merely chip the glass again, it's suddenly not worth gluing again. Hmm, maybe you should wait for some other people Link to post Share on other sites
DerangedAngel Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 It is like a glass. Once broken, you can put the pieces back together and glue them, even to the point of being able to use the glass again for drinking out of. However, each time you drink the glass, you'll see the cracks, and you'll remember that the glass isn't quite what it used to be. You may notice your drink tastes funny, and you'll blame it on the glass, yet no matter how good it tastes, the cracks will never go away. Plus, if you merely chip the glass again, it's suddenly not worth gluing again. Wow. Loved that, D. Although I hated that I could relate to it, it was wonderful. -Deranged Link to post Share on other sites
HurtinginVA Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 Originally posted by Doreme Can anyone here give me an example that your marriage has actually become stronger after infidelity? Well, it hasnt been that long for us since it happened. A little more than a month. We talk a lot more, so that part is better. The trust...........working on it. Link to post Share on other sites
nap Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 Well, I'm going through the same question...with a great deal of pain. My wife cheated me some 10 years ago...she admitted to it being a "kissing/emotional" type affair approx 6 years ago and that nearly killed me and the marriage. But I stuck to it and "no" the marriage did not get stronger but it hung to-gether. Precisely 1 year ago she admitted that it was a full blown, sex and all type affair....and this time it is really knocking me over...at this point, convinced our marriage will not last...the kids and financial burden are still keeping us together..but not sure for how long. The thing I'm realising is this...a marriage must survive on strong trust and love in order to withstand the downs that happen in any marriage. An affair...I'm starting to believe....may be temporarily forgotten whilst things are good..however, when the arguments and down moments come....the affair is not far from the surface. Boy I'm experiencing that sick-in-gut feeling now. My answer...no....unfortunately. I just wish I could find the magic eraser. Link to post Share on other sites
Doreme Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 Originally posted by nap I just wish I could find the magic eraser. Me, too! Link to post Share on other sites
brownhair Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 Dear all, it's been 7 weeks now since I found out my friend cheated on me (story under "4 weeks and having a bad day"). It somehow kickstarted our relationship again. Seeing me so hurt made him realise he still loves me very much. What helped me was seeing how bad he felt every time I brought the subject up, he said he had been "a real jerk". Talking about it helped, not keeping it in the dark, but at some point I said I'd rather stop asking him things about it, I was repeating myself anyway and my pain and tears made him feel so guilty and low that he couldn't give me the love and reassurance that I need to re-build my self-esteem. We are finally communicating again. After 5 weeks I decided I wanted to get our love life back the way it was at the beginning of our relationship, and started doing the things I had always been a bit shy about but really wanted to try, and boy did that help... It's never been so good. I just have to stop comparing etc. myself to his other sexpartners. If he had been with them BEFORE we were together I wouldn't have minded or compared... then why am I doing it now ? Because he was with me and choose to be with another woman anyway ? He thought I wasn't interested in sex anymore and didn't want to bother me with it or talk about it (big mistake, by the way). Yes, he made a really stupid mistake and we have lost a lot of time because of not communicating. But I realized I also still loved him - I was hurt but if I didn't love him anymore, I would have packed my things and gone away. But I didn't feel like doing that. About that glass - I have thought about the same line. That glass had to be broken, it was an illusion, the illusion that he was faithful and not lying etc. while he was. So now there has to be a new glass, a more realistic one, where I can also see that he's only human and never meant to hurt me. The blind trust of the "old" glass was exactly that - blindness to the changes a relationship goes through, not seeing the signs, not communicating and then ending up being hurt because we never saw it coming... I want to drink from a new glass, with the same man. I do love him very much and we are both giving it our best shot. We cannot change the past but we can accept it - **** happens, but I hope we can grow some flowers on it... Link to post Share on other sites
Doreme Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 May I say this: A lot of people would rather drink from the old & broken glass than find a new one, because they are not able to find (or afford) a new glass??? Finding a new glass is not easy at all, buying a new glass sometimes is very costly. and...the quality of a new glass..No guarantee! It may be just as fragile as the old one... Link to post Share on other sites
BadMan Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 Originally posted by brownhair He thought I wasn't interested in sex anymore and didn't want to bother me with it or talk about it (big mistake, by the way). Yes, he made a really stupid mistake and we have lost a lot of time because of not communicating. Sounds like YOU made the big mistake. Were you holding out on him? If you were, you got what you deserved. If not, then he's a low-life. Link to post Share on other sites
Summerday Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 I cheated on my boyfriend of 4 years. This happened 6 months ago and we are not together anymore, he cannot forgive me, and I don't blame him. I have HOPE of us getting back together because I love this man with all my heart. At first I had an extremely difficult time accepting it was over especially because I forgave someone who cheated on me. Infidelity is way too difficult to live with and for some people probably not worth it. I hate myself for hurting him and for ruining such a great friendship/relationship, but I have accepted my life for what it is and I understand what I put him through, and how he feels today. This has been the biggest learning lesson of my life. Trust plays a huge part in a relationship, and once it's broken it's broken. For my own sake I wish that my ex would believe that it can be mended with time and lots of work from me. People make mistakes and don't think of the consequences. I know I learned a lesson of life, and never did I imagine I could hurt this much, and even worse knowing that I hurt myself. For all of you out there that are dealing with betrayal, teach your partner a lesson and don't forgive too quickly... if your spouse feels it's over they too will learn a lesson in life. I know this is the first time and last time I will ever deal with betrayal from either side. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 Human beings were not meant to me monogamous. I don't know why we get so hung up on "cheating". Link to post Share on other sites
Summerday Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 I like people who think like you do, and I wish I could. Thinking this way would help me to "get over it"... Link to post Share on other sites
bryanp Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 Hello, I think people get "hung up" on cheating because it is a lot more than just being monogamous. It is a question of dignity, respect and a committment that one person makes to another person. If a person feels that they are unable to be monogamous with the other person then simple make it clear at the beginning of the relationship or leave the relationship before you get involved with another person. When I hear a comment that we are not made to be monogamous I think it is a big cop-up because it sounds like a justification for breaking committments, lying and cheating to your significant other and basically humiliating and disrespecting another person. If you believe in honor and respect you would be honest with your significant other and leave or redefine the relationship to be open to see others. I believe that to deliberately engage in cheating and lying and living a life of deceit toward a person you have made a committment to indicates a person with a broken moral compass and a person without honor who is oblivious to the pain and damage they are creating for people who care about and trust them. In my life I have followed the simplies of all philosophies. If I am in doubt about my potential behavior, I simply ask myself the following question: Would I want the person I am with to do to me what I am thinking of doing to them? I believe this will always give you the right answer. The bottom line is whether you wish to be a person of integrity and respect. If the answer is yes, then cheating, lying, and betraying is never acceptable whether you believe that people are monogamous or not. Your actions always define who you are and who you wish to be. Link to post Share on other sites
Summerday Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 I agree with you BryanP. The guilt, shame and embarrasement that I live with now is like being in a prison and I cannot let myself out. I don't have the desire to date anyone, because I'm afraid to tell him that I was unfaithful in my previous relationship, and I will not be able to lie about it. I have to carry this with me wherever I go. I have been betrayed (more then once), but being the betrayer is much worse on the heart. Link to post Share on other sites
bryanp Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 Hello Summerday, I wrote my last message for you because it seemed like you agreed with the other poster that you liked people like him that agreed that we are not monogamous. I see that this is not the case with you. You have learned a valuable lesson in life. I would like to say to you that maybe this was you in the past but it does not mean it should define you in the future. I see that you wish to be an honorable and truthworthy person and there is no reason why you cannot. In the future again be honest with anyone and I think that you will respected for your integrity. We have all made mistakes in the past. The question is what do with them and that is to see everything as a lesson to be learned. When you live a life of honesty and truth it absolutely sets you free in every way imaginable. I think by being honest with a potential relationship in the future it will be a positive. When you tell someone I learned a valuable lesson in the past and I will always believe nonw in honesty and committment then I think that is a very powerful message. I would like to suggest that you write a letter to your ex boyfriend describing your feelings and your new found beliefs for the future. There is no reason to stay in a prison of darkness when you now see the light and it is within your grasp. I wish you luck. Link to post Share on other sites
VivianLee Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 I was on my way to completely getting over the situation but I had to snoop even after we'd moved back in together and on 9/11/2001, I read e-mails that just broke my heart and let me know exactly how the relationship was. That's why I'm ANTI asking questions and finding things out, especially if you are going to work it out! I still tried very, very hard to work on the things but he was so slow to coming around, he cheated but I was the one working hard on mending things....that was the problem...we both should have been working hard. I gave up after 2 years. However, it's not the marriage I wanted and could have been but we are close and I really do trust him. However, I have come to a point in my life that I'm not trustworthy..... If you both will work as hard as you can, equally and don't stay in the past or dwell then I truly believe you can make it. You just have make yourself get thoughts and images out of your head and trust him. Don't check up on him or spy, that just keeps you in the same rut. You'll know if he's cheating again. Not every one repeats the cheating behavior, I've witnessed that for myself! There is always hope if both partners are in love and willing! Link to post Share on other sites
Summerday Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 Bryanp, Thanks for the response.... you have no idea what agony and heartache I've put myself through. I went to counseling to help me cope with the guilt. Definitely a valuble lesson this has been for me, and one that I will never ever forget, nor would I re-live. I have 2 girlfriends now that are having affairs one is dating a married man, and the other has been married for 12 years, and has been dating a married man for the last 3 years. I try over and over to share my experience with them, but it's one of those things where they will have to live and learn on their own. They think I'm being too hard on myself and that I should get over it. And I'm working on that, but it's an experience that you never forget. Guess they will figure things out the hard way. I will take your advice and write my ex boyfriend a letter describing what I have learned from this experience. The thought alone of what I will write helps me feel a little bit better about myself. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 I don't give much credibility to statements about "human beings in general." Monogamy is one way to experience life and commitment, and often leads to a more intimate and meaningful relationship. What's right for you isn't neccesarily right for all, and that goes both ways. Originally posted by Doreme May I say this: A lot of people would rather drink from the old & broken glass than find a new one, because they are not able to find (or afford) a new glass??? Finding a new glass is not easy at all, buying a new glass sometimes is very costly. and...the quality of a new glass..No guarantee! It may be just as fragile as the old one... You're right about finding a new glass being hard, that's the reason sometimes why people stay in the relationship at all. But the "quality of the new glass" thing is a little shaky, because it's much tougher to sell a beautiful glass with a crack in it than a cheap, or even fragile, glass. Link to post Share on other sites
brownhair Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 Originally posted by BadMan Sounds like YOU made the big mistake. Were you holding out on him? If you were, you got what you deserved. If not, then he's a low-life. Dear Badman, I don't think you read my story posted under "4 weeks and having a bad day". Otherwise you would know why I had a problem with sex in general and why it was difficult for him to talk to me about it. Link to post Share on other sites
brownhair Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 Originally posted by Guest Human beings were not meant to me monogamous. I don't know why we get so hung up on "cheating". I think monogamy is a choice. Maybe it's normal for animals to have sex whenever the opportunity arises. But humans can make choices with their hearts instead of their sexual organs. It's like not hitting or killing someone even when you are very angry. Or not driving when you're drunk. It's a choice you make and that makes you a better person and more human, instead of a selfish person who is only looking after "numero uno"- him or herself. I have no problem with people that stay single because they want to keep on exploring sex with new partners. I have no problem with couples that honestly choose (together!) to have sex with other people because that is what they both want. I have a problem with people who are so cowardly as to enter into a so-called "monogamous" relationship with a partner who will provide them with the emotional and financial security they need, or the status or whatever, and then cheat on their loving and faithful partner because they think "cheating is not so big a deal". For heaven's sake, be honest - stay single or look for a partner who is also into having more sex partners even when in a relationship. And if it's no such big a deal - why not tell your partner about it then? Or maybe it might be a big deal to him/her ? Link to post Share on other sites
Doreme Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 Originally posted by dyermaker .... because it's much tougher to sell a beautiful glass with a crack in it than a cheap, or even fragile, glass. But then, why people would rather have the glass with a crack? and all I hear is "work hard, try hard, both need towork hard...", "patch things up..." Why work so hard? how many people here believe in hard work and are up to hard work? if you spend 85% of your time working hard, 15% time experiencing happiness, well, this kind of relationship is not worth keeping at all. Maybe that's the reason most couple cant really recover from infedility. Too much patch work make them exhausted and resentful. Time may heal the wounds, but there are always scars. Nothing would be same after that. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 Originally posted by Doreme But then, why people would rather have the glass with a crack? Convenience? Sentimental value? A feeling "Oh well we've had the glass so long", perhaps the glass was a family heirloom, perhaps one felt guilty about it breaking, and kept it around to feel better about that? Link to post Share on other sites
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