They said it would happen.

[jennie-jennie]

its just a terrible place to be. the only thing i can say is that if i claim to feel a certain way, then thats how i really feel. please dont tell me i feel something else. i have no reason to lie about my feelings. i am confused, but am certain about how i feel inside.

 

thans for everyone's posts.

 

I just have to comment on this. My exSO was abusive. One thing he would do was tell me how I felt, and when I objected he was still certain that he KNEW how I felt. He was closed to anything I would say on the matter.

 

It was terrible to have him claim that he knew best what my emotions were, that he knew best about something that was going on inside me.

 

Thank you, MBEG, for sharing your feelings so honestly with us. It is obvious we are many who are touched by your story.

 

When I read about the song you posted the other day, I thought to myself that is what MBEG is doing, she is grieving everything she lost that was so dear to her: her husband, the life they had, her MM. It is not strange that you half a year after are still having strong emotions after all that has changed in your life.

 

((((MBEG))))

[pureinheart]

Maybe MBEG is just in a "natural" phase of confusion and uncertainty - learning to listen again (and trust) her heart, her mind and her feelings.

 

Sometimes we are exactly where we need to be - even if it doesn't appear to be the case.

 

MBEG I would say what I have always said ... this is about you .... not particularly what you want from your H or your xMM but what you want from your life and time on this planet.

 

If you were confused and not knowing you were confused then I would be worried - but it seems to me you are fully aware of your confusion and even able to distance yourself from it and discuss it without acting on impulse.

 

Surely this is a good place to be .. you are working it through and doing so rationally - exploring and analysing your thoughts and feelings as you go. OK at times you may feel your ship is not very sea worthy, but at least you are back in control of your ship and its course.

 

With respect to the original post you must trust yourself. If you honestly feel that emails from your xMM disturb your equilibrium then simply get them stopped and let yourself continue your exploration and growth.

 

Throwing you under the bus did you one big favour - it put you back in control of your ship (however ropey the condition of it ). Now that you've taken the helm and are beginning to get the feel of it again .. do you really want to give up the wheel to anyone else????

 

Steer your course and follow your path - and enjoy the journey

 

be safe

Chris

 

Chris...I think I finally get it....inner stability...this is what you have been saying to achieve, to reach for to desire....

[califnan]

i havent talked much about H, because as ive said many times i consider my M personal and private. i talk about it to him, to my close personal friends and in IC. but i shared a little bit to give some insight into how things are going. why im struggling giving it 100%. hes tough on me right now. very very tough. the names he calls me could never be repeated here. but still, i hope we can get through this and make it work.

 

i still have not responded to xmm altough i have re-read the entire email. im still not convinced he wont hurt me again, and as i see it i cannot consider this as an option until i have exhausted all efforts in fixing my m.

 

i wont lie about my feelings. i love both of them. after his explanation of dday and the events since then i no longer feel the pain related to him throwing me under the bus and choosing her. i guess i finally have the answers ive been searching for.

 

after 200 some reponses, i guess the only thing i was ever looking for from this post was an understanding of why i feel indifferent to him when after so long i hoped and prayed he would return.

 

i dont see it as a fork in the road because at the moment i still do not consider xmm as an option.

 

its just a terrible place to be. the only thing i can say is that if i claim to feel a certain way, then thats how i really feel. please dont tell me i feel something else. i have no reason to lie about my feelings. i am confused, but am certain about how i feel inside.

 

thans for everyone's posts.

 

 

I think those of us who have expressed concern for the verbal abuse from your husband - just think that you have served your time, from the guilt standpoint - and we feel a protection.

 

You are quite right mbeg .. in your earlier post of taking one day at a time.. and working on your marriage.. I know you love them both and it is a terrible place to be.. Women are built in with love, compassion, maternal instincts.. Be glad that you have been blessed with Heart..

 

I wish you the best ..

[Samantha0905]

It was just an affair - that has been proved by the fact that neither of you left your spouses. Stop going on about how you loved each other so much and that e.g. someone like me who has reconciled with their H must not have really loved the AP (I could post about my feelings at the time of the A but choose not to because my H posts here and I respect him too much to put him through that).

 

I don't think this is true for everyone. I loved my XAP very much and I'm not with him now. It's about so much more than just skipping off into the sunset with an AP. There are a lot of other considerations.

 

as it is well agreed upon on this board, that when faced with a dday you are forced to make a split second choice. you simply give up any chance of saving a marriage if you were to say "hmm. i think i want you but i need to see if i want him first." it doesnt work that way. so you choose, and you do your best. but as we all know those feelings do not just magically disappear for the AP, as well as the fact that they dont magically reappear for the BS. at the same time you are now facing the possible hurt from being thrown under the bus, the instant loss of someone who filled the majority of your thoughts and time for years, the guilt of seeing the hurt you've caused, and also mourning the loss of someone you loved. its a TON to deal with in an instant. its a mess of feelings to make sense of. but you have to make that choice if you think you may want your marriage.

 

and so in my mind i am still working through all of those thoughts and emotions while at the same time trying to get back my marriage.

 

...............

 

Do I love him? Yes. absolutley. Could I ever trust him or forgive him? I have no clue. To answer those questions would involve contact and conversation and I'm not doing that.

 

I'm wondering (for me also) if it's even possible to get back your marriage when you love another man?

 

Perhaps it would be better for you to take some time to be on your own and think things out. Maybe months upon months. I know this is easier said than done, but it really sounds like you need to do this. You may lose your husband, but is it really fair to either of you to continue in a marriage with you in love with another man? You may need to move away from both men and take some time for self reflection.

 

MBEG

 

I don't think you should be accepting verbal abuse from your H in the name of reconciliation. Should you listen and understand while he talks about how he feels about the betrayal, marriage, and you? YES. Should you just sit there and take abuse and being called names? Absolutely not.

 

I couldn't agree more. That's ridiculous. I would never tolerate being called names. I think if a BS agrees to continue in the relationship with a WS they are agreeing to put forth effort to save the marriage also.

 

I don't see how you, MBEG, are going to return to a healthy place with all of this going on in your life. You need to learn to be healthy and happy without either man -- if not for anything else, just to prove to yourself you can be happy on your own.

[wheelwright]

Regarding the "self split" thoughts, I personally don't buy it -- to ME, it seems like just another excuse to fence sit and not make a decision OR an excuse to 'misbehave". Almost like "the dog ate my homework".

 

I HOPE you do find clarify. I hope you come to a decision, sooner rather than later.

 

GOOD LUCK to you!!

 

In my experience there really can be a split self.

 

For many months after my DDay I wanted to make my M work, to get over the xAP and move on. I would get myself firmly in this frame of mind by bedtime, but every morning wake up in varying states of distress about the xAP and the loss of love. In that totally uncontrolled state of being that is the transference between sleep and wake. And every morning I would be upset that I had failed again.

 

We cannot make decisions that overrule split feelings where they run deep. We have to work through them.

 

I think it's very hard to understand other people's difficulties unless we have experience with similar. I never understood depression, wondered why people couldn't just pull themselves out of it. But because I had a friend who suffered, I realised it was my lack of understanding, not his failure in being able to pull himself out. It might be easy to think a depressed person is self-indulgent and lazy, but I don't think this is the case. There is a deeper issue.

 

I then I suffered it myself, and found this was true - if we can't understand why someone is in a hole, it's not because they should just be able to pull themselves out. We should acknowledge that we don't really get it, but that it's real for them.

 

I like your posts FO, this is not a criticism. I agree that ultimately resolution must be found. But you can't force it with a quiet afternoon spent thinking it through. I only wish you could.

[2sunny]

the split self is just a complicated way of saying a person is selfish enough to want everything - at the expense of anyone or anything.

 

simply put - it's still selfish.

 

MBEG - have you made a decision yet which side of the fence you will choose to jump to? H or MM?

 

my advice would be to choose neither. a healthy attitude would be on your own to find out what happy looks like for you without a man in your life. any other way and you are only taking conflict into a relationship... which is unfair to any man.

[fooled once]

In my experience there really can be a split self.

 

For many months after my DDay I wanted to make my M work, to get over the xAP and move on. I would get myself firmly in this frame of mind by bedtime, but every morning wake up in varying states of distress about the xAP and the loss of love. In that totally uncontrolled state of being that is the transference between sleep and wake. And every morning I would be upset that I had failed again.

 

We cannot make decisions that overrule split feelings where they run deep. We have to work through them.

 

I think it's very hard to understand other people's difficulties unless we have experience with similar. I never understood depression, wondered why people couldn't just pull themselves out of it. But because I had a friend who suffered, I realised it was my lack of understanding, not his failure in being able to pull himself out. It might be easy to think a depressed person is self-indulgent and lazy, but I don't think this is the case. There is a deeper issue.

 

I then I suffered it myself, and found this was true - if we can't understand why someone is in a hole, it's not because they should just be able to pull themselves out. We should acknowledge that we don't really get it, but that it's real for them.

 

I like your posts FO, this is not a criticism. I agree that ultimately resolution must be found. But you can't force it with a quiet afternoon spent thinking it through. I only wish you could.

 

I just don't believe in that split self stuff.

 

And yes, I do believe you CAN make decisions by having time to sit and think it through.

 

Does this mean that every hard decision that needs to be made -- whether to divorce, whether to abort, whether to gamble it all away on a ridiculous scheme --- it is called making a decision. Weighing the pros and cons, searching your heart and then MAKING A DECISION.

 

I am NOT saying it is easy - I am saying life is about making decisions. Sitting and bemoaning life isn't going to make decisions get made.

[califnan]

the split self is just a complicated way of saying a person is selfish enough to want everything - at the expense of anyone or anything.

 

simply put - it's still selfish.

 

MBEG - have you made a decision yet which side of the fence you will choose to jump to? H or MM?

 

my advice would be to choose neither. a healthy attitude would be on your own to find out what happy looks like for you without a man in your life. any other way and you are only taking conflict into a relationship... which is unfair to any man.

 

------------------------

 

I agree. One can wake in the morning .. and the first thoughts as you awake, can be of the one you love - but that still doesn't make it right.

 

And yes, if it doesn't work to bring the marriage together - a healthy alternative is to build one's Own Life. They say you cannot be happy with someone - until you are happy by yourself ..

[Samantha0905]

I think as women we are always taught to put others first. I know from when I was little I was taught to be a "good girl." Then certainly, as wives and mothers, we put everyone in front of ourselves. I'm not saying it's a good thing to be selfish all the time, but if every once in a while we are -- what's so very bad about it? We need to speak up for ourselves at times and we can't always be perfect in thought and deed. As far as making decisions is concerned -- an affair is a decision. Who in the Hell ever said we are always going to make the right decision every single time? Sometimes not being the perfect and good girl can be quite liberating. I do have some regrets about my affair. In many ways, I wish I hadn't had the affair. That being said, there were some things about it that were very, very nice. I'm holding onto that part in my heart for myself and enjoying it -- selfish or not.

[jennie-jennie]

I think as women we are always taught to put others first. I know from when I was little I was taught to be a "good girl." Then certainly, as wives and mothers, we put everyone in front of ourselves. I'm not saying it's a good thing to be selfish all the time, but if every once in a while we are -- what's so very bad about it? We need to speak up for ourselves at times and we can't always be perfect in thought and deed. As far as making decisions is concerned -- an affair is a decision. Who in the Hell ever said we are always going to make the right decision every single time? Sometimes not being the perfect and good girl can be quite liberating. I do have some regrets about my affair. In many ways, I wish I hadn't had the affair. That being said, there were some things about it that were very, very nice. I'm holding onto that part in my heart for myself and enjoying it -- selfish or not.

 

I agree with this, Samantha. As I have said before, I see no contradiction between caring for your children's wellbeing and your own happiness. If every generation is supposed to put others first, to put the kids first, then no generation will get to care about their own happiness.

 

I believe it is a very healthy sign that you can still remember the good parts of your affair, that you do not need to diminish the parts that actually gave you joy. It shows inner strength.

Edited February 27, 2010 by jennie-jennie

[jennie-jennie]

I agree with this, Samantha. As I have said before, I see no contradiction between caring for your children's wellbeing and your own happiness. If every generation is supposed to put others first, to put the kids first, then no generation will get to care about their own happiness.

 

I believe it is a very healthy sign that you can still remember the good parts of your affair, that you do not need to diminish the parts that actually gave you joy. It shows inner strength.

 

Come to think of it, Samantha, I read a book about ending relationships. It said if you can't think back on a relationship without diminishing it, then you have not really let go of it.

[2sunny]

I think as women we are always taught to put others first. I know from when I was little I was taught to be a "good girl." Then certainly, as wives and mothers, we put everyone in front of ourselves. I'm not saying it's a good thing to be selfish all the time, but if every once in a while we are -- what's so very bad about it? We need to speak up for ourselves at times and we can't always be perfect in thought and deed. As far as making decisions is concerned -- an affair is a decision. Who in the Hell ever said we are always going to make the right decision every single time? Sometimes not being the perfect and good girl can be quite liberating. I do have some regrets about my affair. In many ways, I wish I hadn't had the affair. That being said, there were some things about it that were very, very nice. I'm holding onto that part in my heart for myself and enjoying it -- selfish or not.

 

i need to look out for my best interest in order to be of any use or value to anyone around me.

 

the roles that i have played in my life are just a set of circumstances (daughter, wife, mom, friend etc.).

 

i cannot control what someone else expects of me - i can control what i expect from myself - and what that is supposed to look like in order for me to be happy on the inside, which in turn, shows on the outside.

 

do i have regrets in my life? sure! what i have done about those regrets is what makes me who i have become, which makes me a very happy gal.

[Fallen Angel]

So Fallen Angel u r back with ur suggestions for OP to break her faimly ?

just look at ur posts , I really dont know why r u convincing her so much to ruin her faimly. ? how r u so damn

 

sure that with her husband she will face a life time without love ? & u seem to be knowing more than op

 

herself that she can get those feelings from MM only ?

 

I m responding to ur posts because i just find it laughable the way u r suggesting her not to think about her

 

kids & husband , to ruthlessly wreck her faimly to pursue this mm .

If u dont value ur faimly that doesn't mean she too should do the same .

 

If that is what you get from my posts, then you obviously haven't really read them. Because what you are saying I said and what I actually said are two different things.

[silverplanets]

Chris...I think I finally get it....inner stability...this is what you have been saying to achieve, to reach for to desire....

 

I can only speak for myself, but yes, if I have inner stability and am calm inside then I find that I generally already know the path that is right for me.

 

We all have an incredible resource at our disposal - our creativity, resourcefulness, drive, energy and persistence.

 

The trick seems to be to ensure that WE make the choice about where we direct our resource ... and inner stability and calm allows me to make sure that I am directing it to my goals and not squandering it on the goals of others.

 

[silverplanets]

I agree with this, Samantha. As I have said before, I see no contradiction between caring for your children's wellbeing and your own happiness. If every generation is supposed to put others first, to put the kids first, then no generation will get to care about their own happiness.

 

I believe it is a very healthy sign that you can still remember the good parts of your affair, that you do not need to diminish the parts that actually gave you joy. It shows inner strength.

 

I chose to have a child and therefore my happiness IS caring for her and putting her wellbeing equal to mine

[bentnotbroken]

I just don't believe in that split self stuff.

 

And yes, I do believe you CAN make decisions by having time to sit and think it through.

 

Does this mean that every hard decision that needs to be made -- whether to divorce, whether to abort, whether to gamble it all away on a ridiculous scheme --- it is called making a decision. Weighing the pros and cons, searching your heart and then MAKING A DECISION.

 

I am NOT saying it is easy - I am saying life is about making decisions. Sitting and bemoaning life isn't going to make decisions get made.

 

 

Bravo. How many more labels do adults need to add to the list of crutches they already have? Anything to keep us from taking responsibility for our actions.

[jennie-jennie]

Bravo. How many more labels do adults need to add to the list of crutches they already have? Anything to keep us from taking responsibility for our actions.

 

It is when we know what we are dealing with that we can make progress.

[wheelwright]

Come to think of it, Samantha, I read a book about ending relationships. It said if you can't think back on a relationship without diminishing it, then you have not really let go of it.

 

I like this JJ. It affirms how I feel about it too!

[bentnotbroken]

It is when we know what we are dealing with that we can make progress.

 

Sure they make progress.

[Samantha0905]

Come to think of it, Samantha, I read a book about ending relationships. It said if you can't think back on a relationship without diminishing it, then you have not really let go of it.

 

It makes perfect sense to me.