They said it would happen.

[anne1707]

Certainly the impression I have always had is that MBEG would very happily restart a relationship with the ex-MM - even now. Her H has never really come across as her priority or the focus of her affection. However whilst I believe she should do the right thing by her H and make a final clean break and divorce, I do not think she should try to now see the ex-MM (even if he is really getting divorced). Just as MBEG's husband has been her fall back position, she is the the ex-MM's fall back.

 

I also think MBEG needs to to commit herself to IC in order to address her feelings and to hopefully overcome this continuing obsession with someone who has shown that he never really wanted her 100%.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

Actually, I'm not sure anyone here is able to speak as to where my heart and mind are. In my daily life, my heart and mind are on my H and my M and making life better. I think the couple of days of tears that I had really opened up doors for me. i agree that the fog has lifted.

 

What you see here is the things I dont/cant/refuse to say at home. Its a way of dealing with that side of things. I have been honest with myself and my H. Together, we agreed that unless we both feel the way we need to feel about our marriage then we wont continue. Simple as that.

 

And (FA im only using your words as an example here) i am the only one who knows why i'm trying to fix my marriage. I can tell you its not for a fall back. its simply because I love my husband, our children and the life we once had. I look back on things before my A and it was the happiest time in all of our lives. I try to fix my marriage because I still have a glimmer of hope that maybe we could get back to that. After seeing that I almost lost it all I am holding on for dear life to whatever shred i have left.

 

and so why do i cry over this other man? simple. i loved him. i loved him and trusted him and was sent to the ground immediately after dday. i was shocked, hurt, devastated. suddenly all i knew came crashing down. i still dont understand it, dont know if it was all really a lie. and whats more important is that it was a very big reality check of the wonderful life i destroyed and feelings i hurt for a man who was just using me the entire time. it hurts. it hurts very very bad. and so that is why im here on LS. i cant just magically turn off the feelings for someone i loved very deeply. but i post, to try to make sense of things. not to try to win him back.

[anne1707]

The problem is MBEG is that all we see is you posting about the ex-MM so it is very easy to conclude that he is all you are interested in.

 

What are you actively doing to help save your marriage and why? Do you want to stay with your H because it is safe and easy or because he is the man you love above all else? Do you still find him physically attractive? Do you miss him more than you miss the affair/ex-MM?

 

I am asking these questions so that may be we can understand you and help you better.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

Anne, i have no problem with you posting and welcome your advice. My only request is for you to not tell me how I feel when i say differently. You simply have been off on this part of things the entire time.

 

But yes, I agree. I can easily see that I am the scraps. He offers some very good explanations in his email, but the defining thing for me here is I no longer know what to believe. I dont trust his words and I'm scared of him. His actions have shown he can hurt me. I just dont know if i could let myself even entertain a situation like that.

 

You have to realize that I've been crying over who I thought he was...not who he turned out to be.

 

Moaning, what a very interesting perspective here. I totally get what you are saying. Thank you for your insight.

 

Silver, thanks again. I think whats best in this situation is for me to sort through what I want first and then think about the rest.

 

I havent responded to him. I'm not sure what I would say. I'm not entertaining the idea of being with him. i really am just confused because for months now ive been suffering the pain of his actions and suddenly hes offering a good explanation for things and an apology. even though i dont want to start things up again these new developments are enough to turn my world upside down again. and make things even more confusing.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

Anne- to answer your questions. yes i find him very attractive. i look at him in the way i did several years ago. thats been back for quite some time.

 

i go to IC regularly.

 

ive stopped any sort of attitude, arguing, flat affect or any other type of negative attitude.

 

i send sweet emails, texts, cards.

 

things i would have complained about while we were married (i say this meaning before our separation) i no longer complain about. i make efforts to let my guard down on things because im trying to show him that i would do anything to make it up to him.

 

most importantly. we're dating. not this intense work thorugh our marriage thing. but we see each other, with and without the kids at least twice a week. baby steps as i call it. we go to dinner, and get to know each other. no talk about the A or the M. just dating. catching up on the conversation that we've missed the last few months due to all of the affair drama. just spending time together. remembering the little things that used to make us laugh and the reasons we once loved each other so much.

[Awakening]

if you really want to know how it came down - why don't you call his W and ask her?

 

i'd be willing to bet money she threw him out and now he's contacting you as his second choice... happens all the time. that's really why he tried to keep you on the back burner all along anyway. he's selfish that way.

 

go ahead - call her.

 

I have to agree with 2Sunny. This is pretty much how it happened with me. He contacted me after it was just about too late. I chose to believe that what he told me even though I had a nagging doubt. Six months later it all fell apart again. I simply don't trust him (I know, I know). And I got to go through all the pain once again, although I did get through it much faster and now I'm absolutely certain it is over.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

exactly. although i wont call the wife, i do have to say that i see this only the very first of many flip flops for him.

[Awakening]

but for me it was the last of many flip flops.

[2sunny]

IF you intend to stay in your M - then spend your time and energy making that good/great!

 

IF you intend to try with OM then find out all you can from his W what the real deal is with their M and where that stands before jumping in. that way at least you have an idea what the reason is that they ended the M and what his real intentions are for coming to you now. for that full realm - you will need a version from his W as much as from him.

 

to know what you're may or may not be considering jumping into is only the smartest approach.

 

finish one thing before starting another - keeping it simple is bound to make things easier on you emotionally in the long run. same goes for xMM, allow him plenty of time to be alone to process his situation before even considering spending time with him - if that is your final choice.

[torranceshipman]

Or did you never really love him, and NC has showed you that?

 

I'm sure she loved him else she wouldn't have put up with the misery, heartbreak, lies, hurt, flip-flopping, disrespect, etc. Clearly she has got her self esteem back and is sensible enough to not open that door again - who wants a man with that much baggage and emotional trauma, bad memories, reminders of bad times, etc? Opening your life back up to trauma isnt showing love - its showing that you don't really respect yourself. She's WAY too good for all that crap and clearly she can see that clearly.

 

Instead it looks like she's facing a much brighter future - no drama or misery, a lovely single guy who you'll have an amazing life with one day - lot of happy times - well done OP - you're a big success story.

[Brokenlady]

exactly. although i wont call the wife, i do have to say that i see this only the very first of many flip flops for him.

 

This is definitely something to keep in mind. The biggest indicator is that the decision to end the M is his W's, not his own. He didn't play out all his reconcilliation efforts til the endpoint where HE decides it isn't working. If his W changes her mind, (and if she senses you are on the horizon, she may do so out of fear) it's likely that he will want to go back to her.

 

A lot of men do this - they may want out, but they don't want any responsibility for the decision. If she throws the ball back in his court to come home, he may do so just so he can't take responsibility for the M ending. My xDM's emotional patterns followed his xW's patterns - when she was angry at him and wanted him away he'd be content, but when she'd cry and beg him to come home, he'd feel the tug. She even said at some point that she realized he pushed her into filing for divorce just so he could say it wasn't his decision, not his fault.

 

Does he know that you are trying to reconcile your M?

[2sunny]

i watch many of my male friends who simply don't want to be alone. this is the biggest factor in the flip flop.

 

if the W doesn't want them - they run to be sure their OW is still around. if the OW is making too many demands or is getting fed up of their crap and crumbs - they run to the W to be sure she stays happy enough not to leave the M.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

i dont know what he knows about my M. we havent talked. others know we're trying to work it out. surely hes heard about it since hes snooped so much into my life.

 

i agree. i think he is letting her make the choice in his M. he doesnt have the ba**s to tell her how he feels or maybe he doesnt know. regardless, hes sticking around, doing what she wants and letting the decision fall on her not him. its a cowardly choice but i guess if it doesnt work then she cant say he abandoned her.

[donnamaybe]

if you really want to know how it came down - why don't you call his W and ask her?

 

i'd be willing to bet money she threw him out and now he's contacting you as his second choice... happens all the time. that's really why he tried to keep you on the back burner all along anyway. he's selfish that way.

 

go ahead - call her.

 

You know, this is exactly what I thought when I read the OP in this thread.

[donnamaybe]

Why would you be so insulting? You have no idea what the reasons were that that man made any of the decisions that he made. I would not dare to think even for a moment that MBEG is anyone's "second choice". How very rude and uncalled for.

 

I didn't take that as an insult to MBEG. I took it as an insult, and rightly so, to the MM.

[whichwayisup]

i agree. i think he is letting her make the choice in his M. he doesnt have the ba**s to tell her how he feels or maybe he doesnt know. regardless, hes sticking around, doing what she wants and letting the decision fall on her not him. its a cowardly choice but i guess if it doesnt work then she cant say he abandoned her.

 

BEG, it's now really time to do your absolute best to NOT focus/think/wonder what exMM is up to and what could be going on (if) they divorce, or stay together. It's out of your hands completely - He is a mess, I'm sure his wife is a mess.. Either way, that drama with him - CLOSE THE DOOR once and for all. Please try to not think about him, his wife, marriage, what is going on over there. Make your choice and stick to it. If it's fixing your marriage and your H, then make that your number priority.

 

Focussing on exMM has and IS a habit for you, obsession-like, so be active about changing your thought patterns, reactions and behaviour when it comes to him.

[anne1707]

Anne, i have no problem with you posting and welcome your advice. My only request is for you to not tell me how I feel when i say differently. You simply have been off on this part of things the entire time.

.

 

MBEG - I am not the only one who has felt your heart lies with the ex-MM. Even Fallen Angel has suggested this yet you do not have a go at her for being wrong.

 

But as I said in a later post, you mention your feelings for your H so little in comparison to the ex-MM, it is hard to get an understanding of how you feel. Hence my later post to which your response has provided a much better indication of your love for your H.

 

(Just to add - I was accused of similar things when I came to LS which irritated me at times too. I felt as if I was under attack but in hindsight I could see that posters could not tell how much I loved my H so sorry if a bit rough on you but it really is to try and understand what you really want).

 

 

things i would have complained about while we were married (i say this meaning before our separation) i no longer complain about. i make efforts to let my guard down on things because im trying to show him that i would do anything to make it up to him.

 

most importantly. we're dating. not this intense work thorugh our marriage thing. but we see each other, with and without the kids at least twice a week. baby steps as i call it. we go to dinner, and get to know each other. no talk about the A or the M. just dating. catching up on the conversation that we've missed the last few months due to all of the affair drama. just spending time together. remembering the little things that used to make us laugh and the reasons we once loved each other so much.

 

And these are all very much the right things to do. It is such a painful place that you and your H are coming from that progess can only be slow and gentle (and allowing that there will be setbacks along the way). Finding time to enjoy being with each other is fundamental in helping you both gain the strength to work on your marriage together. My H and I started dating - and still do - we all need to make that effort for our SO. Is there any chance of MC at some stage?

[wheelwright]

 

and so why do i cry over this other man? simple. i loved him. i loved him and trusted him and was sent to the ground immediately after dday. i was shocked, hurt, devastated. suddenly all i knew came crashing down. i still dont understand it, dont know if it was all really a lie. and whats more important is that it was a very big reality check of the wonderful life i destroyed and feelings i hurt for a man who was just using me the entire time. it hurts. it hurts very very bad. and so that is why im here on LS. i cant just magically turn off the feelings for someone i loved very deeply. but i post, to try to make sense of things. not to try to win him back.

 

I understand this and feel the same way about my xAP.

 

And I too would be sent spinning if I heard news like yours.

 

I am glad you are getting good advice about keeping your integrity - really has to be top priority I imagine. And it will make you strong. It's you forcing NC now. You are in control. Your eyes are wide open.

 

I am having a really hard time reconnecting with my H. I am glad you are feeling so positive about yours - it will make this easier.

 

I hope I could handle things as well as you seem to be should this happen to me.

 

Also, it will stand well with your H if he knows he is not your back up plan now that xMM is free and you don't go to him. I think this will put you in a good light where he is concerned. It may give your M a huge boost in the trust stakes. Something to be thankful for?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Its a crying shame that two marriages are breaking up as a result of the affair and NOW you don't want to spend the rest of your life with the MM you love???? How crazy is that! Two spouses, two family's kids, and NOW she's too good for him? He was good enough to breakup her kids family unit over!

[fooled once]

I know you are hurting and confused... and I am sure you will get tons of people telling you to blow him off ... they will scream "MAINTAIN NC" at you.. but i have to point out something BEFORE they all jump on that bandwagon...

 

The advice here from the people that will come yell at you to keep NC is always.. go NC, then let him work on his marriage without you in the picture and come to a decision without the "fog", right?

 

Well, isn't that what he has done?

 

How is one to ever have the relationship they desire, the one everyone says you must go NC to achieve, if you never break NC??

 

You and he did what everyone suggests.... you went NC... you ended your affair. Now, you still miss him and love him... he still misses you and loves you (?), you have effectively ended your marriage, he is ending his...

 

Why now, after he did what everyone says he must do, and you did what everyone said you must do.. would you not even sit down with him, and discuss things?

 

Or did you never really love him, and NC has showed you that?

 

 

I couldn't disagree more FA.

 

She said she NEVER wanted a future with him; he said the same thing about her.

 

Like someone else said, ask his WIFE what really happened. He has tried to keep her on the back burner just in case things with his wife didn't work out.

 

WHY should she jump all over him now? He has SHOWN his true colors to her and she is FINALLY healing! Why in the world would you abdicate her getting back involved with someone who isn't even DIVORCED?

 

She was 2nd choice to him. This isn't the same as your situation. You said repeatedly that the MM you are seeing hasn't thrown you under the bus. HE HAS done that to MBEG.

 

She isn't even done with her marriage yet...but you want her to go seek out the a** who hurt her so bad she couldn't function? I don't get that.

[fooled once]

FA, thank you.

 

In his letter he said that he felt that he owed it to her and his girls to give an honest effort. During our affair both of us said our families were our #1 priorities. I knew this, and never expected anything different.

 

He said that what he did was just that. Give it an honest effort. He tried with her but that he did it honestly, if he felt something towards her then he showed it. he said she felt it needed to end because he wasnt doing the things she wanted/needed him to to fix their marriage.

 

he said he couldnt do those things because he didnt feel them, and to "fake" the things she wanted would be dishonest and only falsely making her think he felt a way that she didnt.

 

but i have never felt like the second choice. in a way i am proud of him for finally telling her the truth. in my situation i make attempts to be lovey dovey with H even thought i dont feel it...ive been faking it in hopes that i will return.

 

so really, i guess i cannot fault him for his actions. he said the throwing me under the bus was just a knee jerk reaction to the falling out after dday. i dont know. im just confused.

 

How long exactly did he give an effort? He was contacting you not even a month ago. That isn't really being true to his wife, now is it? Nor have you been really true to working on your marriage because you have been obsessing about him.

 

You KNOW and have said repeatedly that he isn't who you thought of yourself with for a REAL partner, not just an affair partner. SO why are you doubting that now? because both of you are "divorcing"? Come on MBEG, open your eyes and see this for what it really is.

 

His wife kicked him out and he wants a safe, soft place to land.

 

Go ahead and start up again with him....but you don't get to cry when it isn't what it was before nor when it isn't what you really need. Image what this will do to your kids Remember them...the innocents in all this? Are you really ready to start again with him?

[fooled once]

Certainly the impression I have always had is that MBEG would very happily restart a relationship with the ex-MM - even now. Her H has never really come across as her priority or the focus of her affection. However whilst I believe she should do the right thing by her H and make a final clean break and divorce, I do not think she should try to now see the ex-MM (even if he is really getting divorced). Just as MBEG's husband has been her fall back position, she is the the ex-MM's fall back.

 

I also think MBEG needs to to commit herself to IC in order to address her feelings and to hopefully overcome this continuing obsession with someone who has shown that he never really wanted her 100%.

 

 

I 100000% agree!

[califnan]

based upon her post that's above yours - are you sure you're posting to the correct gal?

 

even IF she wasn't going to stay with her H - the best plan would be for her to stay far away until AFTER the divorce is FINAL... otherwise she's just in for an emotional ride again.

 

I agree Sunny .. It would be the finalization of his divorce that would start a new life... not his words ..

 

You have said that your husband is the one who you would imagine being with in 40 years.. Since he Is your husband, maybe you have already made the right decision.

 

And maybe it is the maternal part of a woman that makes you feel sad for the mm, and to wish to fulfill his happiness. But how lucky you are, as this is not a decision that you have to make at this time.

 

I would suggest to continue to work on your relationship with your husband, and to see how things play out. And just remember about your mm - if he divorces for you, he could also do it To you - and to also compare you to his wife at another time ..

 

No decision has to made at this time, just ride things out ..

[califnan]

Actually, I'm not sure anyone here is able to speak as to where my heart and mind are. In my daily life, my heart and mind are on my H and my M and making life better. I think the couple of days of tears that I had really opened up doors for me. i agree that the fog has lifted.

 

What you see here is the things I dont/cant/refuse to say at home. Its a way of dealing with that side of things. I have been honest with myself and my H. Together, we agreed that unless we both feel the way we need to feel about our marriage then we wont continue. Simple as that.

 

And (FA im only using your words as an example here) i am the only one who knows why i'm trying to fix my marriage. I can tell you its not for a fall back. its simply because I love my husband, our children and the life we once had. I look back on things before my A and it was the happiest time in all of our lives. I try to fix my marriage because I still have a glimmer of hope that maybe we could get back to that. After seeing that I almost lost it all I am holding on for dear life to whatever shred i have left.

 

and so why do i cry over this other man? simple. i loved him. i loved him and trusted him and was sent to the ground immediately after dday. i was shocked, hurt, devastated. suddenly all i knew came crashing down. i still dont understand it, dont know if it was all really a lie. and whats more important is that it was a very big reality check of the wonderful life i destroyed and feelings i hurt for a man who was just using me the entire time. it hurts. it hurts very very bad. and so that is why im here on LS. i cant just magically turn off the feelings for someone i loved very deeply. but i post, to try to make sense of things. not to try to win him back.

 

Most likely the mm pulled away from you because you lovingly drew close to him, and this seems to scare men who are being unfaithful to their wives.. they draw closer to their wives for safety .. Drawn to you for beauty and excitement .

 

It is good that you are trying to save your marriage - from any shred of it .. When you married, God made you and your husband as One Flesh. I believe that He will Bless your marriage .. for having the faith.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

the truth is that i'm scared of him. after him throwing me under the bus i just dont trust him. until his divorce is final i have no guarantees that it wont happen again. its sad that this is the man that i trusted more than ive ever trusted anyone in my life.

 

im afraid of being hurt again. i think he will change his mind 1000 times before its all said and done and cannot give him a chance until hes certain what he wants.

 

this can be said for me as well. until i figure out things with H i cannot tell him that i can give anything an honest consideration. i just have to take it day by day.