They said it would happen.

[Woggle]

Its a crying shame that two marriages are breaking up as a result of the affair and NOW you don't want to spend the rest of your life with the MM you love???? How crazy is that! Two spouses, two family's kids, and NOW she's too good for him? He was good enough to breakup her kids family unit over!

 

He is no longer forbidden so now the excitement factor is over. It is a typical case of a woman wanting what she can't have until she can actually have it and then the appeal wears off. The only real victims in this whole thing are his wife and her husband.

[2sunny]

are you, by chance, the poster who was corresponding at one point after D-Day with MM's wife? if so, didn't you agree to let the wife know if he did correspond with you directly at any point in the future?

 

if that is you, then you owe it to her to allow her to understand what has now happened... and you may, in turn, get a version of the truth from her. if that was the agreement - then stick to your word that you gave - you are only as good as your word and what actions correspond with the words you use.

 

if that was not you and i'm remembering incorrectly, then please forgive me for mixing you up with someone else in the same position.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

ive talked to her a time or two. but only over details that didnt really matter. no, we didnt correspond enough for me to say to her that i would let her know if he contacted me.

 

tonight ive thought about contacting her. 1. to tell her i am truly sorry and 2. to tell her the truth - my true feelings for him and how i perceive that he feels about me (or what he tells me)

 

the truth is i truly do love this man. i mean i love him more than i can express with words. but i can only consider him if hes made his mind up on his own. i dont want to influence it in any way.

 

if hes tried his best, come to terms with his feelings and at the same time i've done the same i would be happy to hear him out.

 

it seems that we're both coming to the same realization that after many many months apart the feelings remain. maybe we shoudl both just come clean and admit that whatever it is we had was so strong that it allowed us to do something so terrible to both of our spouses and deceive so many.

 

i need him to come to this conclusion on his own, and i need to do the same.

 

hes been 6 months away from me but still the feelings remain. hes tried to fix things with her. im not sure where to go from here.

[anne1707]

the truth is i truly do love this man. i mean i love him more than i can express with words. but i can only consider him if hes made his mind up on his own. i dont want to influence it in any way.

 

 

it seems that we're both coming to the same realization that after many many months apart the feelings remain. maybe we shoudl both just come clean and admit that whatever it is we had was so strong that it allowed us to do something so terrible to both of our spouses and deceive so many.

 

i need him to come to this conclusion on his own, and i need to do the same.

 

MBEG

 

When you come out with statements like these, can you see why posters think you love and want the ex-MM more than you do your H. Be honest with yourself for once and make a decision. Even if the relationship with the ex-MM is not going to happen, you cannot continue to hint at reconciliation with your H when you feel so much for another man. It is wrong, unfair, deceitful, destructive, cruel....

 

If you really wanted it to work woth your H, your posts would be about how yes, the ex-MM has made you angry but you focus on your H, you love your H, he is the man you really want and all your efforts are into making things work with him because NO ONE else matters - you don't want to be with anyone else.

 

However your posts are about how much you love the ex-MM (you have just said feelings remain, so strong etc), you never speak with a similar level of passion about your H, you are trying to make things work with your H but of it does not work then there is the ex-MM and at least you will know you have tried. Sorry but that is all being a bit weak - you are still in the affair and wanting both just in case it does not work out with the other.

 

For the sake of your sanity, your H and your children (the true innocents in all of this), take responsibility for your actions. Make a decision and commit your self to it. You cannot continue in this way - it is truly selfish to tell your H that you want to be with him, that the affair is over and you do not want the ex-MM when you are making posts like these. How do you think your H would feel if he saw what you have been posting? And sorry but for marriage recovery you need to be completely honest with your H and you are not doing this. You are not even being honest with yourself.

 

It frustrates me so much that I and others have been posting and telling you the same thing for six months now yet you are still in exactly the same situation as you were at the start.

[jennie-jennie]

the truth is that i'm scared of him. after him throwing me under the bus i just dont trust him. until his divorce is final i have no guarantees that it wont happen again. its sad that this is the man that i trusted more than ive ever trusted anyone in my life.

 

im afraid of being hurt again. i think he will change his mind 1000 times before its all said and done and cannot give him a chance until hes certain what he wants.

 

this can be said for me as well. until i figure out things with H i cannot tell him that i can give anything an honest consideration. i just have to take it day by day.

 

MBEG, I think this sounds wise. You know, perhaps there is not only a risk of your MM flip-flopping, perhaps there is a risk that you will flip-flop as well. You are after all a married OW. A day at a time sounds good to me.

 

You are going to IC now, that is very good, it means you are doing what you can to get things in order in your life. MC at this point is not to think of, that will be a later question if you decide to stay married. I think you are on the right path, just take it slow and you will get there, wherever it is you are going.

Edited February 24, 2010 by jennie-jennie

[bestplayer]

I understand this and feel the same way about my xAP.

 

And I too would be sent spinning if I heard news like yours.

 

I am glad you are getting good advice about keeping your integrity - really has to be top priority I imagine. And it will make you strong. It's you forcing NC now. You are in control. Your eyes are wide open.

 

I am having a really hard time reconnecting with my H. I am glad you are feeling so positive about yours - it will make this easier.

 

I hope I could handle things as well as you seem to be should this happen to me.

 

Also, it will stand well with your H if he knows he is not your back up plan now that xMM is free and you don't go to him. I think this will put you in a good light where he is concerned. It may give your M a huge boost in the trust stakes. Something to be thankful for?

 

wheelwright, u r absolutely right about trust stakes . I think OP should consider this point .

[bestplayer]

ive talked to her a time or two. but only over details that didnt really matter. no, we didnt correspond enough for me to say to her that i would let her know if he contacted me.

 

tonight ive thought about contacting her. 1. to tell her i am truly sorry and 2. to tell her the truth - my true feelings for him and how i perceive that he feels about me (or what he tells me)

 

the truth is i truly do love this man. i mean i love him more than i can express with words. but i can only consider him if hes made his mind up on his own. i dont want to influence it in any way.

 

if hes tried his best, come to terms with his feelings and at the same time i've done the same i would be happy to hear him out.

 

it seems that we're both coming to the same realization that after many many months apart the feelings remain. maybe we shoudl both just come clean and admit that whatever it is we had was so strong that it allowed us to do something so terrible to both of our spouses and deceive so many.

 

i need him to come to this conclusion on his own, and i need to do the same.

 

hes been 6 months away from me but still the feelings remain. hes tried to fix things with her. im not sure where to go from here.

 

mbeg ur previous posts indicates that u want to be ur husband & trying to work it out with him , & yet u say u r waiting for MM to make up his mind about u ? which one is true ?

[bestplayer]

MBEG

 

When you come out with statements like these, can you see why posters think you love and want the ex-MM more than you do your H. Be honest with yourself for once and make a decision. Even if the relationship with the ex-MM is not going to happen, you cannot continue to hint at reconciliation with your H when you feel so much for another man. It is wrong, unfair, deceitful, destructive, cruel....

 

If you really wanted it to work woth your H, your posts would be about how yes, the ex-MM has made you angry but you focus on your H, you love your H, he is the man you really want and all your efforts are into making things work with him because NO ONE else matters - you don't want to be with anyone else.

 

However your posts are about how much you love the ex-MM (you have just said feelings remain, so strong etc), you never speak with a similar level of passion about your H, you are trying to make things work with your H but of it does not work then there is the ex-MM and at least you will know you have tried. Sorry but that is all being a bit weak - you are still in the affair and wanting both just in case it does not work out with the other.

 

For the sake of your sanity, your H and your children (the true innocents in all of this), take responsibility for your actions. Make a decision and commit your self to it. You cannot continue in this way - it is truly selfish to tell your H that you want to be with him, that the affair is over and you do not want the ex-MM when you are making posts like these. How do you think your H would feel if he saw what you have been posting? And sorry but for marriage recovery you need to be completely honest with your H and you are not doing this. You are not even being honest with yourself.

 

It frustrates me so much that I and others have been posting and telling you the same thing for six months now yet you are still in exactly the same situation as you were at the start.

 

anne1707 I think u made some excellent points & OP really needs to think about it

[Brokenlady]

the truth is that i'm scared of him. after him throwing me under the bus i just dont trust him. until his divorce is final i have no guarantees that it wont happen again. its sad that this is the man that i trusted more than ive ever trusted anyone in my life.

 

One thing I've learned through my experience is that like marriage, divorce is just a piece of paper. Whether or not he gets divorced, you will never have any guarantee that he won't go back to her. (My xDM got engaged to me and yet lied to his xW about it AFTER the divorce because he STILL didn't want that door to close.) The only thing that can give you security is time. Time for him to be on his own and show you his clear and consistent intent to seperate his life from hers to the extent that he can (given that they have children).

 

im afraid of being hurt again. i think he will change his mind 1000 times before its all said and done and cannot give him a chance until hes certain what he wants.

 

You're probably right. I'd have more confidence that he was certain of wanting to divorce if HE had decided he'd given his all and it didn't work. His wife is bringing down the curtain now, and so he may well change his mind if/when she does. (BW's flip-flop too). If he's truly getting divorced, it will take time and he's not going anywhere, so there's no harm in you hanging out away from the mess until you feel secure that he's set on the path he is taking. I wish I had done that, could've saved myself a lot of heartache.

 

this can be said for me as well. until i figure out things with H i cannot tell him that i can give anything an honest consideration. i just have to take it day by day.

 

Well, hopefully you are upfront with your H about your mixed feelings. That is all one can ask for - honesty.

[Brokenlady]

Its a crying shame that two marriages are breaking up as a result of the affair and NOW you don't want to spend the rest of your life with the MM you love???? How crazy is that! Two spouses, two family's kids, and NOW she's too good for him? He was good enough to breakup her kids family unit over!

 

This is really unfair. I think deep down she expected (or at least hoped) that if D-day ever came, he'd tell his W that he was passionately in love with her and they could be together. D-day would have been a sign that they were meant to be together, and in a way, she was just waiting for it (even if not consciously). When he minimized her and cast her aside, it deeply disrupted her ability to trust him. Their relationship changed as a result - how could it not? So, why should she not have reservations about how he will behave - she was obviously very wrong in predicting his behavior before.

 

When he cast her aside he was under tremendous pressure from the situation, but it doesn't mean he didn't love her, no matter what the BS's here want to post about that. If he's truly set on his path and trying to recapture some shred of his integrity, good for him.

 

However, it seems like posters here want it both ways. He's garbage because he threw MBEG under the bus (though it was the "right" thing to do), and yet now he's still garbage when he leaves his W after trying to work on the M because he now wants MBEG. No matter what this man did, people here are going to say he was wrong and is a user and a jerk.

 

Secondly, MBEG didn't set out to break up her family unit. I don't think most people in affairs do this.

[BB07]

After reading this thread and other similar threads I find myself getting even more cynical about MM/MW who fall in love with their AP ever being able to fix their marriages and being able to find happiness again with the bs.

 

Can we ever get over someone that we fall so deeply in love with and go back to some semblance of the the life we had before? It doesn't seem like it from reading the posts here, does it?

[mybrowneyedgirl]

i think the people that go back to their M and live happily ever after never really loved the AP to begin with. i mean not fully. either that or something happened that made them not love them anymore, and in turn return all of their feelings to their BS.

 

in the case where it ended from outside circumstances, meaning something like a dday and that the relationship between the two AP didnt end due to reasons withing the affair relationship that it is very very hard to let go of that.

 

if both parties still love and care for each other very much and there isnt a "problem" between the two of them then i dont see how you could go back to a marriage and be what you used to be. theres constant thoughts, feelings, the overwhelming urge that something is missing.

 

thats where my problem has been. my head wants my marriage and my husband. i love him very very much. but my heart hasnt followed to the extent that i wish it would. even with NC i still think of the other man. i havent been able to let go of that. so even though devoting all of my efforts to my H and my marriage i dont feel the things i think i should feel. and so i question if its the right thing to continue trying.

 

but...i have high hopes that it might work. and so i would like to try to make it work. that maybe one day all of my thoughts will be simply about my H. and yes, its been a long time for me, but things are better with my H and how i feel about him. so is it wrong for me to keep trying?

 

i press on. make efforts every day. he knows where i stand. he feels much of the same after my A. but there is something still there and we both are willing to hang onto whatever shred is left in our marriage until we can both finally say its all gone.

[Brokenlady]

After reading this thread and other similar threads I find myself getting even more cynical about MM/MW who fall in love with their AP ever being able to fix their marriages and being able to find happiness again with the bs.

 

Can we ever get over someone that we fall so deeply in love with and go back to some semblance of the the life we had before? It doesn't seem like it from reading the posts here, does it?

 

It is impossible to "un-know" something once we've discovered it. Much like Adam and Eve, they could not be ignorant again. Even if things do not pan out with the AP, I think A's forever change the lens through which a WS sees their spouse (and also how a BS sees the WS). SOmetimes that's a good thing, but often it is not, which I why I think so many A's end in divorce. Once we know what is possible, and desire it very much, it's hard to avoid the pull to seek it out (with or without the AP).

[mybrowneyedgirl]

It is impossible to "un-know" something once we've discovered it. Much like Adam and Eve, they could not be ignorant again. Even if things do not pan out with the AP, I think A's forever change the lens through which a WS sees their spouse (and also how a BS sees the WS). SOmetimes that's a good thing, but often it is not, which I why I think so many A's end in divorce. Once we know what is possible, and desire it very much, it's hard to avoid the pull to seek it out (with or without the AP).

 

exactly. the thought of living forever without having those feelings. to know what could be.

[donnamaybe]

the truth is that i'm scared of him. after him throwing me under the bus i just dont trust him. until his divorce is final i have no guarantees that it wont happen again.

 

Why would trust suddenly be regained just because of a divorce? I wouldn't trust him EVER again.

[bestplayer]

i think the people that go back to their M and live happily ever after never really loved the AP to begin with. i mean not fully. either that or something happened that made them not love them anymore, and in turn return all of their feelings to their BS.

 

in the case where it ended from outside circumstances, meaning something like a dday and that the relationship between the two AP didnt end due to reasons withing the affair relationship that it is very very hard to let go of that.

 

if both parties still love and care for each other very much and there isnt a "problem" between the two of them then i dont see how you could go back to a marriage and be what you used to be. theres constant thoughts, feelings, the overwhelming urge that something is missing.

 

thats where my problem has been. my head wants my marriage and my husband. i love him very very much. but my heart hasnt followed to the extent that i wish it would. even with NC i still think of the other man. i havent been able to let go of that. so even though devoting all of my efforts to my H and my marriage i dont feel the things i think i should feel. and so i question if its the right thing to continue trying.

 

but...i have high hopes that it might work. and so i would like to try to make it work. that maybe one day all of my thoughts will be simply about my H. and yes, its been a long time for me, but things are better with my H and how i feel about him. so is it wrong for me to keep trying?

 

i press on. make efforts every day. he knows where i stand. he feels much of the same after my A. but there is something still there and we both are willing to hang onto whatever shred is left in our marriage until we can both finally say its all gone.

 

mbeg u r doing the right thing dont question ur decison no matter what anyone else says , things will be much better than it has been ever before .

 

best of luck

[anne1707]

thats where my problem has been. my head wants my marriage and my husband. i love him very very much. but my heart hasnt followed to the extent that i wish it would. even with NC i still think of the other man. i havent been able to let go of that. so even though devoting all of my efforts to my H and my marriage i dont feel the things i think i should feel. and so i question if its the right thing to continue trying.

 

Do you honestly believe that you have devoted all your efforts to your H and marriage? How can that be the case when you have barely maintained NC, if at all? How can that be if you continue to obsess over the ex-MM? Are you being completely honest with your H? Does he know that the ex-MM is getting divorced? Does your H know how much you love the ex-MM?

 

MBEG - it really does not sound as if you are fully committed to making your marriage work and if that is the case then the best thing you can do is stop pretending in the vague hope that feelings for your H will return. It really is not fair on any one including you.

[Fallen Angel]

MBEG,

 

I am sorry you are upset by the things I said, but I stand by what I said.

 

What I see is this.. I see that you love your husband and WANT to be IN LOVE with your husband, but you aren't. I see that you love and are IN LOVE with your (x)MM.

 

I see that you are afraid of letting go completely of either one. I see that the fear is that if you give up your husband and your MM doesn't follow through with his divorce, you will be alone, and that scares you. I see that you like your husband very much, but you are missing some "feeling" in your relationship with him that you feel you can only get from your MM. So, if you let your MM go completely, you face a lifetime without that "feeling" that you so desperately seek.

 

None of this means you are a bad person. I am not saying any of this to hurt you, or to make you feel badly. I just have to be honest about what I see.

 

I do think, however, that holding on to a husband you don't feel IN LOVE with, is unfair. Not only to your husband, but also to yourself. And it is just my opinion, but I don't think one should have to try so damned hard to feel IN LOVE. I understand putting work in to a relationship, but you shouldn't have to work at being in love. To me, those are two distinctly different things.

[califnan]

the truth is that i'm scared of him. after him throwing me under the bus i just dont trust him. until his divorce is final i have no guarantees that it wont happen again. its sad that this is the man that i trusted more than ive ever trusted anyone in my life.

 

im afraid of being hurt again. i think he will change his mind 1000 times before its all said and done and cannot give him a chance until hes certain what he wants.

 

this can be said for me as well. until i figure out things with H i cannot tell him that i can give anything an honest consideration. i just have to take it day by day.

 

 

Yes: It is best to take things one day at a time - or day by day ... The mm has Not given you any reason to trust him .. Should he ever become divorced and free - then you would know his True intention .. And that would not happen for months, if he is really going in that direction. There is always the possibility that your lack of communication with him, has just made him wish to reel you back in .. You do not have to do anything, he has not shown you that he can be trusted, at this time ..

[donnamaybe]

Let me just say this: Being "in love" is NOT the same as being "in lust." It may SEEM the same, but it is not - not by a long stretch.

 

I don't know how ANYONE can say they are truly "in love" with someone who has only been able to give them small smidgens of themself. You can't TRULY know you are "in love" until you have experienced every part of a person. And I don't just mean the physical parts. I mean the every day, day in and day out, even during the mundane times or even the disagreement times.

[2sunny]

exactly. the thought of living forever without having those feelings. to know what could be.

 

and that is why it is a gamble to even consider the xMM. the one who cheated, the one who lied, the one who tossed your consideration aside to "try" at his M. if any thought of being with him is realistic - the best plan is to wait until his divorce is final anyway - which would give you time to process and time for your own clarity about what may be best for you.

 

where was the consideration for you and your feelings in all of that?

 

is it possible that you are in love with the man you thought he could/might be instead of the reality of who he actually is?

[califnan]

One thing I've learned through my experience is that like marriage, divorce is just a piece of paper. Whether or not he gets divorced, you will never have any guarantee that he won't go back to her. (My xDM got engaged to me and yet lied to his xW about it AFTER the divorce because he STILL didn't want that door to close.) The only thing that can give you security is time. Time for him to be on his own and show you his clear and consistent intent to seperate his life from hers to the extent that he can (given that they have children).

 

------------------------

 

Yes. I know the world is full of people with multi marriages .. and many of those marriages last .. But they say that when one cheats on their spouse, they could do it to the new spouse as well. Then too, there was a bond between he and his wife, because they were Married. I think all of us are too complete of women to live with someone who compares us to a former ..

[Fallen Angel]

Let me just say this: Being "in love" is NOT the same as being "in lust." It may SEEM the same, but it is not - not by a long stretch.

 

I don't know how ANYONE can say they are truly "in love" with someone who has only been able to give them small smidgens of themself. You can't TRULY know you are "in love" until you have experienced every part of a person. And I don't just mean the physical parts. I mean the every day, day in and day out, even during the mundane times or even the disagreement times.

 

And by this you mean that a woman can not know if she is in love with a man she is having an affair with?

 

I beg to differ, that would be like telling someone that they can't know if they are in love with a single person they are dating. Just because he doesn't live in my home, doesn't mean I don't know the man he is, and it doesn't mean I am not in love with him.

 

I know who he is, day in day out, even the mundane things. And Yes, we do occasionally have disagreements. He doesn't have to live under my roof for that... that is just silly.

[califnan]

i think the people that go back to their M and live happily ever after never really loved the AP to begin with. i mean not fully. either that or something happened that made them not love them anymore, and in turn return all of their feelings to their BS.

 

in the case where it ended from outside circumstances, meaning something like a dday and that the relationship between the two AP didnt end due to reasons withing the affair relationship that it is very very hard to let go of that.

 

if both parties still love and care for each other very much and there isnt a "problem" between the two of them then i dont see how you could go back to a marriage and be what you used to be. theres constant thoughts, feelings, the overwhelming urge that something is missing

 

thats where my problem has been. my head wants my marriage and my husband. i love him very very much. but my heart hasnt followed to the extent that i wish it would. even with NC i still think of the other man. i havent been able to let go of that. so even though devoting all of my efforts to my H and my marriage i dont feel the things i think i should feel. and so i question if its the right thing to continue trying.

 

but...i have high hopes that it might work. and so i would like to try to make it work. that maybe one day all of my thoughts will be simply about my H. and yes, its been a long time for me, but things are better with my H and how i feel about him. so is it wrong for me to keep trying?

 

i press on. make efforts every day. he knows where i stand. he feels much of the same after my A. but there is something still there and we both are willing to hang onto whatever shred is left in our marriage until we can both finally say its all gone.

 

The three biggest reasons why I think your marriage is worth saving is because he Is your Husband, you love him, - and because he is trying to help to make it work even knowing about the affair.

 

I wonder if your love for the mm is greater than your love for yourself. This can be destructive to you and your marriage. I think it is natural that when women fall in love with married men (or vise versa), that they put them up too high.. Naturally it is expected that the love for our husband and family should be self sacrificing.. But this man has done nothing to deserve your devotional love.

[donnamaybe]

And by this you mean that a woman can not know if she is in love with a man she is having an affair with?

 

Yup. She may enjoy (which may feel like "love") the bits and snatches of fantasy times they share, but until they share an entire RELATIONSHIP - ALL of it - she hasn't a clue what it would be like to try to "love" that person. Same for a man involved with a MW.

 

Again, let's not confuse love with good sex.