Answers needed in a dark time

[GrayTree]

I am in a desperate search for answers because I have none, so I've turned to you guys here at these forums. Id appreciate anyone's advice or insight, as I am really seeking out any friendship and support at this dark time in my life.

 

My story would take a long time to fully tell, but I will try to make it understandable and as short as possible.

 

I am 22 years old and he is 21. One month ago, my boyfriend and love of my life of 1 year and 1 month (but friends a few months before that) left me suddenly and without any warning. We were very deeply in love. The breakup came out of nowhere...literally, the last weekend we spent together was wonderful, we made love, booked hotel rooms for future plans, etc. While I was back at school we talked during the week on the phone. The night before he sent me texts saying "I love you, cutie". The very day of, I drove home to meet him for our weekend together. I got out of the car, saw him waiting at the curb (thought how romantic of him) and ran into his arms...and he pushed me away. Just like that. He said he couldnt do this. I got no real answer out of him. He sai he couldnt do this. I got no real answer out of him. He said he'd talk to me in three weeks.

 

The next three weeks were the darkest of my life. I was in agony and it took EVERY ounce of my strength not to contact him. I couldnt understand what went wrong and let me tell you EVERYONE who knew him and I, including family, mutual friends, acquaintances, did not understand it either. Everyone was nothing less than shocked, confused...I spent the three weeks soul searching for what made him do this. I came to the conclusion that he was unhappy with spending too much time with me, he missed his friends, that I was too needy and other small reasons.

 

I met him on V-Day, and we talked normally for awhile. I then went into what I thought was wrong, he confirmed it, and told him I was ready to work on it with all the sincerity in my heart. But he denied me...simply said he "couldnt". There was a wall up, that stranger he became.

 

Now, I know he loves me. He would look at me every day, even last weekend we were together and say "hed never hurt me," "he didnt want to be with anyone else"...get tears in his eyes and call me "beautiful". Although I still have no answer as to why he left so suddenly. He sent a letter to my mom saying himself that "it was about being happy and unhappy and that he still loved me but he was trying to get passed it, and no there was no other woman."

 

Two weeks have since passed. He told me that day that we could be friends, best friends. He would start by talking to me online...he said he'd tell me how his week went as it went but so far, he has not contacted me at all. I know he's online due to Facebook but he dosent sign on AIM to talk.

 

After hours and hours and hours of searching, talking to people who know us and those who dont...the biggest guess I have is that he got afraid of the commitment and ran...that he has his own demons to work out.

 

I cannot lie, I want him back...and although Im living for MYSELF and getting stronger...I live with the hope that he will come back. Because, it dosent make sense any other way. I am not lying when I say we never fought, we were happy, it seemed perfect, that I know he loves me...but I fear what it means that he has not talked to me yet...because so far we are not even friends right now. Im afraid hes keeping distance to "try to stop" loving me.

 

So my question is, does anyone have any insight or advice into my situation? Does anyone think that there is a chance he might come back...and what can I do to increase the chances of that besides living my own life and being strong? Do I contact him, ask how he is...? I cannot see how this is completley over, it dosent make any sense...I cant see how after he has worked out his own demons, wouldnt want to give it a second chance. See a new relationship. Why wouldnt you try if you loved someone? I think this is some sort of phase he is going through...

 

Im getting stronger, but I cry every night because I miss him so. He is my "one" for me and I only pray every night that one day he will return.

Edited February 24, 2010 by GrayTree

[kristinabopp]

OMG! were exactly in the same situation, if you go read my thread from the first or 2nd thread that i posted.the only diff. is, now i think he is liking someone else. which crushed my heart more.. seriously, idk wth happened, the next day he jst broke up.

until now im suffering from depression, having nervous breakdown, cant sleep and just cant stop crying.i pray for him every night.i never stop praying.but im making myself busy, but u know, even if ur busy it doesnt help coz hes still on my mind every minute.

i know how you feel. everyone here can feel you.. i dont know what to say about but the only thing u shud do is not talk to him if he doesnt talk to you first. he is the one who broke it off so he should make his way towards you. do no contact. yeah, im getting stronger and i learned that I SHOULD NoT TRUST ANYONE. he was my life!and i cant live w/out him, right now im just surviving.there are times i would think that i wanna die because hes not with me anymore and sometimes my mind is playing games with me*im a negative thinker*i think of all bad stuff and then it gets me.like thinking of him being with someone is killing me..etc any stuff like that!

but just do no contact. im sorry to say this but dont expect he might come back. he might but u never know.. learn to not think of future and think of what ur doing right now. time can HEAL YOU but sometimes it doesnt. love has a habit of coming back..u just dont expect to much.. coz in the end u might get hurt.and it will hurt more..

i know everyday is not gonna get better..

[GrayTree]

Kristina, its a coincidence you replied because your thread is how I found this site and I read your story and thought the SAME thing. I was like "wow...her story is so similar, I want to talk to her".

 

Yeah the NC thing is hard because I fear that he is just trying to distance himself from me...and I get that, I get he needs space, of course...but I fear that if I dont even have a little contact with him, then there is never a chance again, ya know?

 

Your ex called you, you said? I remember reading that. He hasnt done anything of that nature. Has anything more happened since in your situation?

[txsilkysmoothe]

Were you away at school each week? Has it been a long distance relationship of sorts?

 

I'm sorry, but I think there is another woman. He handled things very cruelly - making you wait 3 weeks for an explanation. You should be feeling very angry about that. That is not love.

[GrayTree]

Tx: I truly believe there is no one else. He was very sincere about it and stated it a lot. Mutual friends say theres no one too and also, we were together physically for an entire month before this happened so I would have noticed.

 

Besides holiday breaks, yes we would be apart in the week but see one another every weekend.

[txsilkysmoothe]

Men don't end good relationships for no reason. You mentioned you think he was afraid of "commitment" - why, was something about to change?

 

You also said you told him what you thought his reasons were and he confirmed. Did he not offer an explanation? I think it was a mistake if you didn't let him or make him tell you why he "couldn't."

 

I could be wrong and I hope that I am. I had a very similar experience - relationship over 1 year long, never fought, in love, planning on marrying, long distance but saw eachother every weekend; out of nowhere, he started picking fights with me. I pressed him to tell me what was wrong. He confessed he had cheated on me and had been spending time with another woman because he was lonely from missing me. From that point on, he was confused about who he wanted to be with. He hid it very well from family and friends until I broke up with him. If there is another woman, he may have been seeing her for some time and only broke up with you once he decided he wanted to be with her. The tears in his eyes are guilt for what he has done to you. Writing to your mom sounds like guilt as well.

 

How can you not be angry at him? How could he let you drive to see him knowing he was going to greet you with "I can't." And making you wait 3 weeks? That is horrible.

 

I'm very sorry because I know that "I want to die" kind of pain. Whatever his reason, the result is the same and you shouldn't count on him coming back.

[GrayTree]

Tx: Yeah I dont understand his reason. But I do truly believe there was no one else, if nothing for the fact that we were together for an entire month physically before this. I also think, that he would have just told me rather than leaving me reasonless. Or that he would be in that relationship now or our friends would have a hint. And him writing to my mom was in response from a letter she originally sent. She and him were very close and she's been hurt too by it.

 

Oh I am angry at him, and sometimes I regret not letting him hear what he deserves that day. But I was focused on showing him respect and trying for another chance. I do respect him, but not his actions. There are times when I just want to let him hear it. He destroyed me and he is still being cruel. But the fact remains I love him, I cannot seperate in my mind who he was from who he is, theres that much of a character change...that much that makes that little sense.

[GrayTree]

Im currently hurting over the fact that we have a hotel room for an event in May that was originally ours. Apparently he's asked mutual friends to stay in there. Well that KILLS number 1, but then I asked one to ask if I'm welcome and it sounded like no. That hurts on so many different levels, but the major one is...he wont even consider being friends two months from now? That makes me feel hopeless.

[txsilkysmoothe]

Who are these mutual friends that will be staying in the hotel with him? Any women?

 

So he never told you why when you met on V-day? Could he not give you a reason?

 

My ex felt very bad for what he had done. In his mind, he knew he either had to confess the affair (and he would lose me) or break up with me (and I would never know about the affair). He didn't have a reason to give me for breaking up so he started picking fights with me thinking I would break up with him. He was trying to avoid ever telling me about the other woman.

 

It's been my experience that when someone says things like "I don't want anyone else" and "there isn't another woman" that it is a clue that there is another woman. It is very possible that she knew about you all along and helped him keep their relationship secret.

 

The other thing that makes me think it's another woman is the way he completely cut contact with you. That is next to impossible for someone who loves you and just got scared of commitment or is unsure about the relationship. Even when someone breaks up with you, if the love is still there, they usually remain in contact to some degree - they can't help themselves. He hasn't done that. You even offered to work on the relationship and he shut you down completely. In his heart, its like he had already moved on.

 

Again, I've been where you are, and I know how dark your days have been. It's going to be so hard for you to move on as long as you believe he loves you. I'm saying there is another woman because I believe its true and you need to know because it will allow you to let go of any hope that he is just confused and may change his mind.

 

Just know you will get through this and you will be happy again. You deserve so much more.

[kristinabopp]

well dec.24 when he broke up with me he told me he wont talk to me anymore not for the next 6 months.he broke up with me through yahoo messenger. it was really weird and then this jan.24 he called me out of nowhere i posted that in here too. it was an UNKNoWN NUMBER at first i was imaging *should it be him?* and then when i picked up the phone i hear nothing but i kept saying hello. and then i hanged up, after 1min. its calling again and when i picked up he whispered *I MISS YOU* and then i was like who is this?i know its him but thats what came out of my mouth. and then i hanged up, after i hanged up it kept calling and i ignored it twice until i picked it up again and then when i said hello he said *dont hang up* and then we started talking i cried as soon as i found out its him, and he cried too.he was crying more than me.telling me he misses me so much and still loves me, he cant stop thinking bout me.he was crying like a baby, and he can only cry like that to me..and then he told me that were not meant to be and i got mad,coz how can u say stuff like that when u dont even know ur future?thats what i told him.if were not meant to be then why did we met??!and then when i told him that *i dont even believe in forever anymore,im hating that word!!*when i said that he cried more.i asked him whats he doing and he said in bed, crying.. but then in the end i told him to just call me if he wants to come back to me.. if not then dont.i dont know if he ever pay attention to that. and then he said *okay kristina, goodnight* and then i said goodnight and hanged up. i hanged up first which is weird coz everytime we talk i will always let him hang up first.but oh well, after that he never called and then FEB.1 came, it was like 4am in his place and its 1am in here. iwas on my laptop then out of nowhere i got an invitation in yahoo messenger and i saw HIS NAME! he is trying to add me on his new yahoo messenger.i was surprised!at this time?me thinking that i will never hear from him again..and he added me out of the blue.and then when i confirmed the request.he talked to me, but i was short in my replies to him, but he made me listen to a song, YOU'LL BE IN MY HEART by PHIL COLLINs. and he told me to listen to it. and then he told me to pay attention to the lyrics. and i said ok, then he told me thats how he feels and i said same for me, i feel the same thing..and then he asked me so have u found a dude already?and i told him no, i dont wanna go out with anyone until i go to school and graduate.and then he said *SAME HERE*-->but now he is LIKING SOMEONE!wtf!he lied!i learned that i should not trust anyone!!even him!but i still love him which makes everything hard.i love him so much that i always forgive him.he knows that.. and then after that he told me hes going to sleep and then i told him ok. me too coz i have to go to work, and he was surprised that i have a job now.and he doesnt..and he asked me *may i know where* and then i told him *no, idont wanna say.maybe someday i will tell you.*and his reply was *sure, what ever.*-> for me that reply is kinda rude.. idk. is it rude?but oh well. after we talked that time i never heard anything from him until now. even if he is online, he never messaged me.. and then one day i saw him on WEBCAM, it hurts like hell. and then his status msgs in his yahoo messenger bothered me that i went invisible to him and i deleted him on my yahoo.. it crushed me so much that i dont ever wana feel that way again and i deicided to myself not to be in a relationship after him.he was my life and my everything. all the promises he said to me was still playing on my mind.and that songhe mademe listen to, JST MADE ME CONFUSED! everything is not right to me right now.everyday hurts, everyday sucks, every minute is like forever.i know he will never talk to me again but idk. i wanna talk to him, but if he doesnt make a way to talk to me since he is the one who broke it off, then there will be no communication.i wont talk to him unless he talks to me first.

but if you will read some of the stories here, there are people who did NC after the break up and after months or yrs their ex contacted them out of the blue.it just depends you know..if he really wants you, he will contact you, he will find a way to talk to you, email, call or text, or MAIL.you just have to be patient. PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE.if he needs time, then give him that time he needed.we cant do anything about that because the other person doesnt want to work on it.we cant force them..i know it hurts so much, but we really cant do nothing but to whatever and let them do what they wanna do, they will realize that were the only one who can be with them forever and love them in the end.i believe in KARMA..when he broke up with me, i told him im willing to be single even if it takes forever and i will wait for him.but i dont know if he will come back, whenever i think bout it, i dont think hell come back..hes to selfish and stubborn. everything is in your head right now, all the stuff in your head are WHAT IF's. it will bother u everyday.if not all the time..until now i havent got any sleep, if i do sleep i can sleepfor only 3-4 hours. when im bout to go to bed,as soon as i close my eyes things are in myhead and itdoesnt make me go tosleep.thats why when i go to work im always exhausted.this is hard for us..just think bout this moment, now that your reading my message time is running. for now i watch movies on my laptop and and chat with people online so time will be fast.since i cant really go out and i have no friends in here.jst make do something that will make ur time faster..i didnt even realized that february is about to end.. still it hurts me, the pain is getting worse.but oh well, thank god i have my laptop. so yeah, oh btw, i got a mail from him, he sent me all the hospital bills and he sent me one of the pictures that i gave to him, i gave him 2 pictures of me but i only got one in here.i wonder what he did on the other one. maybe he burn it?idk. and i didnt got the RING too. maybe he throw the ring instead of giving it to me? idk. see im such a negative thinker!damn it. all i know is that i got all this hospital bills when i got miscarriage with our baby.. now i have to pay for all of this, which i dnt know how.. because im not in dc. and he didnt send me back my insurance card.. my mom cant know about this.maybe ill just ignore this for now and think bout this when i move back to dc.. but seriously, i have to pay all of this ALONE??isnt that rude?..we both lost our baby and he expect me to pay for all of this..but whatever, ill hide this for now and deal with it later since i dont have much money this time..

 

omg,this is a long one. im sorry..

u get my point and atleast i get to share it to you..

[USMCHokie]

Good lord, Kristina...paragraphs are your friend...and I didn't know about that part at the end of your one paragraph...wow...sorry to hear...

[kristinabopp]

USMCHOKIE: yeah, i didnt post it coz i didnt wanna think about it. but oh well whatever. he will get his karma. paragraphs makes me say all the stuff i wanna say!haha complete thought!

[GrayTree]

TX: I dont know what to say, except that I know there isnt. I would acknowledge this if I thought there was a chance because then at least I have a REASON! And being reasonless is no easier. And my good mutual friend would have told me and then kicked his ass. Thank you for your response and support though. I dont want you to think Im being rude.

 

Does anyone have any other theories besides another woman? Or advice how to get him back?

[GrayTree]

I have completley broken down sobbing tonight. Apparently my friend called him and asked whats up and he said "never again" would he be with me. He also said I wasnt welcome in a hotel room with our friends in May because he was "afraid of sexual feeligns and hurting me". Telling me that he's gonna forever run from his feelings.

 

My mom said all her exs in her life said "never again" and they came back. But I was living off hope he was gonna come back and now im broken and I dont know what to think.

[GrayTree]

Also...that the person who called him said he seemed angry at how he was treated. That makes me upset...because I never realized my mistakes...

[GrayTree]

Anyone else have any advice how to get him back in this sitatuion of if there is a chance?

 

Please?

[Els]

I'm going through a similar situation, and I feel your pain, I really do. I wish I knew what to say or do. But if I did I would have the answers to my problems as well - and I don't.

 

I know it's entirely possible that he has someone else, but entirely possible that he doesn't, either. Is there any commitment you have asked him to make in the future that he seemed reluctant in following through with, prior?

[GrayTree]

Elswyth: He agreed to be friends with me, he said he would talk when he was ready and it would have to start off online before it progressed. The only contact we had in ten days since the meeting where we met to talk about it, was a brief exchange on a random topic on a fb status. And I know there is no one else. He has said he dosent want to date for a long time.

 

And I am so sorry hun that you are going through this to, if you wanted to talk you could share your story, Im here to listen. A kindred spirit is comforting in this dark time. I wish for us both, the results we want.

[GrayTree]

I just dont understand...Ive read on here people doing NC and the ex contacts them within a matter of days. Its been 10 days since we met to discuss the breakup...and he hasnt contacted me at ALL...save for a small exchange on facebook that I initiated (we are still FB friends). A mutual friend said he wasnt ready to be my friend and talk because he was afraid I'd ask him questions...he's running from the pain....why hasnt NC worked for me like it has for everyone else here? Is it over forever? Will he never come back?

 

:'-(

[BigTenInchRecord]

I'm not female, but I went through a similar experience with my ex-girlfriend. We only dated for about 8-9 months, but we had a great relationship. Like you, we literally never fought, did so much together, "I love you's" were said often. I've never seen someone happier when we saw each other after being a part for a few days/weeks. We often talked about the future - not marriage - but other plans, which my ex seem genuinely excited for. We'd been apart over the summer cause we went to uni together, but we saw each other every week or two. We took it quite slow, didn't jump into anything...The last weekend we hung out things seemed to be going better then ever. She then went away for a few weeks, came back acting really distant, and shortly after broke up with me. Didn't hear from her at all for a few weeks, I broke contact to wish her Happy Bday, she said she missed me. I told her I loved her and wanted to see her to talk about us, she said she loved me but she made the right decision.

 

It was very out of the blue and shocking, and it was really awful. Now my situation probably isn't as extreme as yours, because I didn't necessarily think we'd be together forever. I did love her, but we were young and so was the relationship. Over the next 3-4 months there was pretty limited contact. Every now and then I'd get some bread crumbs (asking to hang out) only for her to disappear again. Eventually I came to terms with the fact that I was fawning over someone who didn't want me, for no reason at all. If it was meant to be it would be, but not like this. So I accepted it, and finally began to move on. I'm happy to report I did successfully move on. She recently re-entered my life (she initiated), and we've been friendly and hang out from time to time, and it's not a big deal because I've gotten over my feelings and desire to be with her again.

 

But it's like people say...they don't really re-enter your life until you've actually moved on. It's like dumpers have sixth sense, and as soon as their ex is over them, they re-emerge. The best thing to do IS work on yourself and get over them. It's not easy, but it needs to be done. For a second chance to work, you need to start over from scratch...build the relationship up from ground zero. Until both people have made meaningful changes and are willing to work at it, it will never work.

 

If you ask for advice on these forums, your going to hear the same thing over and over: Go NC and work on yourself. Work on moving on and being a better person...get over them completely. I know it's not what you want to hear, and you probably will disregard it at first, but trust me when I say, it is 100% the BEST thing to do. He may seem like the only one for you, but in time you'll meet someone better who won't treat you like this, and stay by your side forever.

[Els]

Elswyth: He agreed to be friends with me, he said he would talk when he was ready and it would have to start off online before it progressed. The only contact we had in ten days since the meeting where we met to talk about it, was a brief exchange on a random topic on a fb status. And I know there is no one else. He has said he dosent want to date for a long time.

 

And I am so sorry hun that you are going through this to, if you wanted to talk you could share your story, Im here to listen. A kindred spirit is comforting in this dark time. I wish for us both, the results we want.

 

The part in bold sounded exactly like my guy! And I just know that this is the case as well. You know your guy better than anyone else here, so your judgement is the most important.

 

My story is on http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t222427/ -- somewhat resolved for now, although not even close to entirely so.

 

Just wanna offer some hugs and let you know that I'm here for you. Stay strong, hon!