Where to go from here?

[Shae5575]

I am new to this forum, I feel as though I have nowhere else to go and am I need of unbiased advice. My husband has had an affair in the past and I found out about it. When I threatened to take our 3 year old daughter and leave he was extremely remourseful and ended the affair. Since then I am constantly checking cell phone bills and even installed spyware on the computer so I can see his every move. Since then I have been able to catch him talking to girls and stop the act of cheating before it even happened. Just recently, he was talking to an ex on the computer which led to texting and then ultimately plans to meet up. Of course I caught all of it and confronted him with it. He admitted to talking to her and even admitted that if I hadn't caught him early on, that he may have done something he would later regret.

 

I have since told him that I want a seperation and he is currently sleeping in another room. He is extremely remourseful and keeps having panic attacks throughout the day. He tells me he doesn't want to lose me and that I'm the best thing to ever happen to him. He says he needs therapy and doesn't know why he does these things.

 

Where do I go from here? Everytime I catch him it's the same old response of crying and begging. He actually makes me feel bad for him. We are usually happy and I do love him very much. I just don't know what to do anymore.

[Jeff1962]

Shae. You should not have to check your spouses phone or computer. You should not have to worry over infedility. You already have your answers.

 

In my marriage there are issues. I have made a promise to myself that my wife and I can work thru ALMOST anything, infedelity IS NOT one of them.

 

Your H. is showing a pattern here. I would continue with the seperation but I would require that he move out of the house and not just the bedroom.

[MadMission]

Your H has created a situation for you where you are left with 2 bad choices to choose from:

 

1.) Divorce him. Divorce will be hard on you...and you have a child together, which keeps you bound to your H no matter what. Divorce can be scary in many ways, but mostly it is the fear of the unknown which keeps you paralyzed. You worry about painfully missing your daughter when she is with him maybe 50% of the time. You worry about where you will live. Being a 'single mom.' Money worries. Fears of loneliness and being alone. Etc, etc.

 

2.) Stay in the M. Staying carries a whole other set of issues. It requires that you suck up a tremendous amount of pain AND, also, that you accept that YOU have a cheater for a husband. No matter how you slice it up, at the end of the day, you are with a cheater. And, that is only a tiny part of your new reality with your H. Staying could mean an exhausting amount of work trying to come together with your H...getting him into therapy...and essentially trying, watching, waiting, and hoping that your M can be salvaged, when in fact, all your efforts may be in vain....and not something you may fully realize until you are 1 - 2 - 3 yrs out.

Or, maybe you will successfully R with your WH. But, it certainly risky to stay...mabye a risk worth taking....maybe not.

 

You need to take a very long, hard look at your situation...from all angles...consider all possible scenarios...and then decide which is the lesser bad choice of your 2 bad choices.

 

A decision only YOU can make.

 

I wish you all the best.

So sorry you are in this situation.

[Spark1111]

Can you afford IC AND MC? If he is TRULY remorseful and not just sorry he got caught, ( a huge difference) he should be willing to do both with intensity and resolve.

 

Give yourself a timeline of how hard you are willing to work on the marriage, and how hard he appears to be working on the marriage....1 year? 2 years?

 

See if his actions match his intent to be a devoted married man.....

 

In the meantime, I would certainly mentally prepare for possible dissolution of the relationship in the event he is incapable of changing. You have a child and must be prudent here for the future.

[Shae5575]

I wish I knew if he really is truly sorry or just sorry he got caught. He has really bad self esteem issues and I wonder if that has something to do with it. The scary part of the whole situation is, we are moving in a few months due to his job situation. I was really excited to move because I hate where we are living now, but I am also really scared because if I leave him, I am going to have to start a new life on my own, rather than with my husband.

 

I just feel numb and hurt right now. I wish I could understand why he does these things. He has only technically cheated once, but all these other times, I have caught him talking to the girls and making plans, but confronted him before he could actually go through with the plans. I just feel as though I have no trust in him.

 

You are right though, about the fear of the unknown. I hate the thought of being lonely and not having that significant other to confide in. He's my best friend and we have a good relationship. He even told me that he is not unhappy and is willing to go to therapy. I just don't want to waste my time anymore. Maybe he can change, but until then, I have to distance myself and my walls are up big time.

[Snowflower]

Shae, it is understandable that you don't know what to do or where to turn right now. If you don't know what to do, then don't do anything just yet. There is no rush, unless you are in some sort of imminent physical danger or financial situation that requires you to make a decision right away. Please don't feel you have to do anything right away if you are not ready.

 

You mentioned that you are getting ready to relocate and that you were excited about this. Do you want to make this move if your marriage is in such a fragile place? For instance, if your marriage fails and you have moved to a new place, how will it feel to be somewhere new? These are just things to consider.

 

Ultimately this is your decision and I am confident you will make the right choice for you and your children when you are ready. In the meantime, just take it a step at a time.

 

To answer your other question, your husband's self-esteem issues probably do have some bearing on his decision to repeatedly cheat/attempt to cheat. I know all about wanting to understand why he has done what he did. You may get some answers eventually or you might not. Sometimes people can explain why they did what they did (not excusing) and other times they just blame others or try to justify their actions.

 

It would be up to your husband to take responsibility for his choice to cheat and work on his issues that lead him to repeatedly make these destructive choices.

 

Good luck to you.

[confusedinkansas]

Shae

Your husband sounds like he is holding you responsible for what's happened.

"If you would have caught me sooner.................."

 

You can't babysit your husband's every move all the time 24/7. You'll go NUTZ. You can't be the one that's responsible for his actions...........HE IS!!!! We all have a "Dance" that we do in our marriages. And, if this behavior has gone on for a long time, then he knows he can still get away with it. You'll always forgive him. The panic attacks - I'm sure they are real. Maybe he thinks this time you mean business.........Do You?

 

I totally get the fear of the unknown. It is a real bitch! And, you have other things to take into consideration as well....The move & a child.

I feel for ya girl. It'd be nice to have all the answers at our disposal when we need them.

I"m not sure divorce is the answer. Personally, I'd tell him - I'M NOT YOUR BABYSITTER. You need to either buck-up & be responsible for your actions or get the hell out. If he can't then perhaps a separation is in order.

 

He needs to pick..............YOU or THAT !

[Disintegration]

I'm sorry you are hurting right now because of your H actions. You shouldn't have to be constantly checking up on him, but because of his cheating I know you feel you have to. He gave you a reason to not trust him, now that that trust is destroyed it is going to take a lot to get back and recover from. Counseling is definitely a great start. Not only did he cheat that one time, (that you know of) he told you if he hadn't been caught talking to other females he might have done it again. It isn't your responsibility to make sure he is faithful, and prevent it, he is. I know this is taking a toll on you and you need to do what is in your best interest and your childs first and foremost.