The Secret to Keeping a Man

[Butterflying]

It has been said... The woman who appeals to a man's vanity will stimulate him. The woman who appeals to a man's heart will attract him. But only the woman who appeals to a man's imagination will get him.

 

So I wonder if there's any truth to this. I once read a book that described people as being visual, audiable, or kinesthetic. So I naturally assumed that in order to appeal to anyone, you must know which type of person they are.

 

For example, if a man is a audiable person, you have to tell him things he likes to hear. If a man is visual, you have to show him things he likes to see. If he is kinesthetic, you have to make him feel the way he likes to feel.

 

What do you think LS??? Any pointers??

[carhill]

Since I never know which way these thread are supposed to go, do you really want to hear from a man?

 

When I watch the successful marriages of friends, I see what I came to understand as a dearth in my own.....simply feeling valued and appreciated. I watch the women's actions of value and appreciation, consisting of components of all the things you mentioned (visual, auditory, kinesthetic, etc), and understand why, even with their faults (we all have them), their husbands remain engaged and loving.

 

Now that I'm dating again, if/when I see a woman taking my interest and affection for granted and not showing value and appreciation, I will move on with little fanfare or comment. Life is too short and women too many

[Butterflying]

I'd like to hear responses from women and men. In my experience, I try to incorporate all three aspects of audio, visual, and kinesthetic. Because I have a difficult time trying to figure out which will appeal to a man the most. But so far, that hasn't helped me "keep" any particular man:(

[carhill]

As every woman is different, so is every man. I was just reading another thread where the woman didn't feel "loved and appreciated" and this was reflected in her diminished sexual desire. I can identify with that. Perhaps another man would think I was nuts, as he would be a horndog no matter how his wife/partner treated him. The key is finding, through positive feedback, the triggers in your partner for feeling the emotions which keep them bonded to and engaged in the relationship. Adjunct to that is balancing those actions with one's own sense of self-worth and self-respect.

 

As I related in another thread, I *thought* , as an example, my loving actions of greeting my stbx, making her dinner after a long day, and engaging her about the events in her life would be actions which caused her to feel loved and appreciated. They were not. I came to understand such actions were those of a man she viewed as as a 'doormat' (an LS term I later ascribed to the dynamic), so our love languages were incompatible. Another woman might have valued them greatly. I tried affection but with more 'space' so she didn't feel smothered or 'interrogated' (her description) at the suggestion of our MC to no avail. All this did, for me, was to cause me to feel more distant and less engaged. As I described the dynamic in MC, such actions 'killed my love one day at a time'.

 

IMO, in a truly loving and respectful relationship, all these things are fluid and natural, with communication and compromise. This is part of the 'a good relationship shouldn't be hard work' dynamic. If one has to work so hard, it's probably due to incompatibiliy, as it was for us. Hopefully, after three husbands, stbx will find a man who gives her what she needs to feel the impetus to want him to feel valued and appreciated. I know I learned a lot, mainly about communication and boundaries.

[threebyfate]

There's no secret to keeping a man. For that matter, if you feel you have to "keep" him, he's the wrong man for you. The most compatible partner will understand your language of love, so instead of it being a project relationship, you "get" each other's way of appreciating the other, intuitively.

 

On the otherhand, if you treat your partner like crap and if he/she isn't a doormat, they're going to bolt.

[carhill]

TBF, with due respect, some people 'fake' it, either innocently or with malicious intent. I've experienced both impetuses in relationships. Just as some men, such as myself in the past, have a hard time seeing through to the reality, so apparently do some women. It sounds like the OP wants to better learn to read a man's love languages and find out whether that is compatible with her own.

 

In my case, 'bolting' would've cost me a good portion of my life's work, so I had to try different methods. I called it 'working on my marriage'. I guess you can call it whatever you like.

[sedgwick]

It's "aural," not "audiable."

 

My first love dumped me because I was "not mysterious enough." As far as I could tell, that meant I was openly passionate about the things I loved, as opposed to being jaded and too-cool, like him.

 

I carried a torch for him for a long time, and 12 years later he appeared out of the blue, emailing and telling me all the things he remembered about me (many of them sexual.) He was coming to NYC and wanted to stay with me, and like a fool, I let him. He lives in Texas but was leaving on a trip around the world, and NYC was his starting point. He turned out to be the biggest boor ever, and my illusions were totally shattered.

 

After several days of him treating my apartment like a hotel and barely speaking to me (much less putting any sort of moves on me, after MONTHS of emails about our former sex life), I was desperate for something, ANYTHING, to talk to him about that might engage him. I actually got tickets for The Daily Show while he was here, took him, and he barely spoke to me while we waited in line. He didn't laugh once, and afterwards he dashed off because he had something else to do. I decided I'd give him one last chance to treat me with some sort of respect or I was kicking him out to go get a REAL NYC hotel, for which he'd pay $250/night or so.

 

That night, when he returned to my apartment (tipsy, having been at a bar a few blocks away with other friends; I was not invited), I tried to start a conversation about his trip. I asked him where he was going first, and where he thought he might skip. While smacking at a bagel, with cream cheese smeared in the corner of his mouth, he gazed over my shoulder, bored, and told me he really had no interest in -- wait for it -- ASIA.

 

At that point I burst out laughing and said, "You mean, like, THE CONTINENT?" He looked greatly offended, and I said, "Come ON! You're going on a trip around the world and you have no interest in Japan, China, India...are you kidding?!" I followed that by telling him to wipe the cream cheese off his face, chew with his mouth closed, and find somewhere else to stay.

 

Ever since then, I have referred to him as "Too Cool for Asia."

 

(Seriously, I want to be with a guy whose imagination is good enough on its own. Never again will I contort myself into some pretzel of mystery in a pointless effort to capture the affections of some douchebag!)

Edited February 24, 2010 by sedgwick

[troggleputty]

Some so called secrets to keeping a man:

 

1. Cook for him and keep him well-fed. Go shopping for him and keep the fridge well stocked with his favorite goodies.

 

2. Keep the house clean.

 

3. Keep yourself in decent shape, good-smelling, clean, wear reasonably attractive clothes. I.e. look and act like a "woman."

 

4. Give him plenty of sex, be sure to mix it up with a little kinky stuff now and then to keep things interesting. Don't turn him down to often, that will hurt his ego.

 

5. Don't be a nag or a be*otch.

 

6. Don't embarrass him in public, with friends, in front of the family, etc. Don't show him up. If you have a beef with him that needs to be aired out in private.

 

7. Show him respect.

 

8. Don't cheat, don't flirt with other guys, don't do anything that would hurt his confidence in the relationship.

 

 

 

LOL, I wonder how many of the gals here on LS would even get 4 out of 8 of these? Most likely reading this list is infuriating a great many of you. Sorry that's not my intent.

 

But, the OP did ask what the "secret" is, so there you go, I just told you.

[sunrae]

I'm reading the 5 Love Languages, singles addition.

It's actually a really interesting book...

It talks about how people show they love and how people receive love, and if you dont show them in their primary love language then they dont feel loved and fulfilled.

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. Cook for him and keep him well-fed. Go shopping for him and keep the fridge well stocked with his favorite goodies.

 

2. Keep the house clean.

 

3. Keep yourself in decent shape, good-smelling, clean, wear reasonably attractive clothes. I.e. look and act like a "woman."

 

4. Give him plenty of sex, be sure to mix it up with a little kinky stuff now and then to keep things interesting. Don't turn him down to often, that will hurt his ego.

 

5. Don't be a nag or a be*otch.

 

6. Don't embarrass him in public, with friends, in front of the family, etc. Don't show him up. If you have a beef with him that needs to be aired out in private.

 

7. Show him respect.

 

8. Don't cheat, don't flirt with other guys, don't do anything that would hurt his confidence in the relationship.

 

I agree with these. I've been with guys who didn't appreciate these things, and now I'm with someone who does. He reciprocates in kind, and it is nice.

[carhill]

If even 50% of that list had existed in my M, especially wrt the last three, a lot of things would've been different.

[sedgwick]

It does sound misogynistic, but if you turn it all around, yeah, I'd want a guy who did all those things for me! As long as both partners are doing the things on that list, they'll probably be happy!

[pureinheart]

Be yourself and do what comes natural, ask the OP what it is that they value, as all are different and appreciate different things, atitudes ect...

 

Usually, when the right person comes along, these "things" will come natural...when one is loved, the loved person looks for things to do that reinforce this wonderful behavior in which I have yet to experience...lol

[pureinheart]

If even 50% of that list had existed in my M, especially wrt the last three, a lot of things would've been different.

 

 

Carhill, I find with most decent men, the last three are the most important...men are much more sensitive than most women realise, for the mostpart it is disguised, if you will, because men need to keep the proper face, and with good reason I might add, as there is a lot of pressure that is not taken into account...I did not explain this very well, as it is meant to be a compliment to men.

 

To disrespect a man in public....well it is better to just take out your gun and shoot...as you have just killed everything...bottom line

[OpenBook]

But only the woman who appeals to a man's imagination will get him...

 

... if a man is a audiable person, you have to tell him things he likes to hear. If a man is visual, you have to show him things he likes to see. If he is kinesthetic, you have to make him feel the way he likes to feel.

 

IMO you don't have to do any of these things to appeal to his imagination. In fact, these actions would kill it. Too much "zooming in" on him. Men hate that. Because it leaves nothing to their imagination. They don't have to guess about you. And there's no challenge, which is an intrinsic part of capturing a man's imagination.

[Disillusioned]

Mercyfulfate is right. I cook, I clean, I sew... but yes, a woman who doesn't have an active imagination or isn't intellectually stimulating, won't appeal to me... a woman without brains is not necessarily a ditz, but she is shallow and will bore me in a hurry. There's no real secret, just ask him what he enjoys, and who knows, maybe you'll start to enjoy it too.

 

Re the sex thing... if you really need it, just make sure your partner has a similar sex drive. If you're always horny and he's not, you're probably going to start looking for a back-door man sooner or later.

 

I know I'm playing with dynamite here... but most of us know that people who aren't very smart tend to be hornier than very smart people. However I think that maybe people who aren't very smart, haven't tried getting a hobby or something to keep them otherwise interested, so they figure sex is their "hobby" (alcoholics say the same thing about drinking)... but it's not necessarily because God gave them too much hormones and not enough brains.

[Star Gazer]

Some so called secrets to keeping a man:

 

1. Cook for him and keep him well-fed. Go shopping for him and keep the fridge well stocked with his favorite goodies.

 

2. Keep the house clean.

 

3. Keep yourself in decent shape, good-smelling, clean, wear reasonably attractive clothes. I.e. look and act like a "woman."

 

4. Give him plenty of sex, be sure to mix it up with a little kinky stuff now and then to keep things interesting. Don't turn him down to often, that will hurt his ego.

 

5. Don't be a nag or a be*otch.

 

6. Don't embarrass him in public, with friends, in front of the family, etc. Don't show him up. If you have a beef with him that needs to be aired out in private.

 

7. Show him respect.

 

8. Don't cheat, don't flirt with other guys, don't do anything that would hurt his confidence in the relationship.

 

I agree with this list... I'd also add APPRECIATE and ADMIRE him. That goes a LONG way.

[Woggle]

Just treat him with the same love and respect that you would demand for yourself.

 

I also agree with the degrading him in public. My ex did that all the time and I just wanted to crawl under a crack and hide because I was so humiliated.

[troggleputty]

The start of that list sounds kind of misogynistic, as true as it may be.

 

My girlfriend did cook and clean, but we made sure to split everything 50/50 before the breakup. I can't be one of those guys sitting down as the woman cleans and does everything, it irks me.

 

 

That's a perfect example of "cause and effect."

 

The "everything between us must be 50/50" is probably the cause of a lot of failed relationships.

[Ross PK]

1. Always cook for him.

2. Never moan at him.

3. Always be ready to please him in the bedroom.

4. And always be on standby to hand him a beer from the fridge.

 

I don't think any man would leave you then.

[DiscoChick]

I agree with the person that said there are no secrets. I gave my ex sex when he wanted; I cooked for him; I cleaned for him; and I even went as far as to loan him money (which he never paid back). I was supportive of his aspirations, and I offered him advice when he asked for it. I was very open and honest with him. I had real conversations with him. I did the whole visual, auditory, kinesthetic things. He still left me, and I have no idea why. I just assume it's because I told him I loved him too often. Maybe a guy doesn't want to know that a woman cares about him?

[Ross PK]

I agree with the person that said there are no secrets. I gave my ex sex when he wanted; I cooked for him; I cleaned for him; and I even went as far as to loan him money (which he never paid back). I was supportive of his aspirations, and I offered him advice when he asked for it. I was very open and honest with him. I had real conversations with him. I did the whole visual, auditory, kinesthetic things. He still left me, and I have no idea why. I just assume it's because I told him I loved him too often. Maybe a guy doesn't want to know that a woman cares about him?

 

Well, he must've been crazy.

 

I don't think the fact alone of always telling him you loved him would've made him leave, unless, he didn't feel the same. Did you smother him? Because I think that could get too much for some guys even if they do love you.

 

Did you never get the opportunity then to ask him why he left?

[engravefeelthevoid]

it also depends on the man...if he's super hot and an alpha male it wud be hard to keep him as u wudnt be sure he's ready for commitment....

 

but I believe that its a game of numbers and probabilities...if u can stimulate a guy in all ways then u have a higher chance of keeping him...if it doesnt work out then u ddnt put enough to it...and u need to boost something else in you to get him stimulated...

 

loyalty...appreciation trust and other factors play an important role as u know...try to gain experience from each relationship (when you lose...don't lose the lesson) and try to fix it in the next....you won't find the right guy immediately...it's sadly an art which needs practice

[spriggig]

The "everything between us must be 50/50" is probably the cause of a lot of failed relationships.

 

Trying to force a 50/50 responsibility is folly. However, at the end of the day, each person in a two person relationship IS exactly half responsible for the entirety of the relationship. Recognizing this is key to forgiving in trying times.

[Jeff1962]

I did the whole visual, auditory, kinesthetic things. He still left me, and I have no idea why. I just assume it's because I told him I loved him too often. Maybe a guy doesn't want to know that a woman cares about him?

 

On the contrary dear. Obviously this was not the right guy for you. A man loves to hear the words "I love you". As with anyone this has to be followed up with actions as well. Sounds like you did.

 

I want a woman who will engage me. Be my best friend, trust me, love me, be honest with me, take care of me and bang my brains out.

 

You've heard the old addage the way to a man's heart is thru his stomach? WRONG!!!! It's just south of there.