The Secret to Keeping a Man

[SummerLady]

As every woman is different, so is every man. I was just reading another thread where the woman didn't feel "loved and appreciated" and this was reflected in her diminished sexual desire. I can identify with that. Perhaps another man would think I was nuts, as he would be a horndog no matter how his wife/partner treated him. The key is finding, through positive feedback, the triggers in your partner for feeling the emotions which keep them bonded to and engaged in the relationship. Adjunct to that is balancing those actions with one's own sense of self-worth and self-respect.

 

As I related in another thread, I *thought* , as an example, my loving actions of greeting my stbx, making her dinner after a long day, and engaging her about the events in her life would be actions which caused her to feel loved and appreciated. They were not. I came to understand such actions were those of a man she viewed as as a 'doormat' (an LS term I later ascribed to the dynamic), so our love languages were incompatible. Another woman might have valued them greatly. I tried affection but with more 'space' so she didn't feel smothered or 'interrogated' (her description) at the suggestion of our MC to no avail. All this did, for me, was to cause me to feel more distant and less engaged. As I described the dynamic in MC, such actions 'killed my love one day at a time'.

 

IMO, in a truly loving and respectful relationship, all these things are fluid and natural, with communication and compromise. This is part of the 'a good relationship shouldn't be hard work' dynamic. If one has to work so hard, it's probably due to incompatibiliy, as it was for us. Hopefully, after three husbands, stbx will find a man who gives her what she needs to feel the impetus to want him to feel valued and appreciated. I know I learned a lot, mainly about communication and boundaries.

 

When I was married and went to counseling the counselor said to me after 2 visits, I feel that this marriage is too much work for you, do you agree? I had to work so hard at it and felt I got nothing I needed in return. Carhill is right if you have too work to hard at it, that is a issue.

[2sure]

It has been said... The woman who appeals to a man's vanity will stimulate him. The woman who appeals to a man's heart will attract him. But only the woman who appeals to a man's imagination will get him.

 

Yes, I would say all of the above, based on my experience, are true

 

BUT to employ them as a means ...I offered all three when I was dating MM as OW. By offering those things I made the relationships work to my advantage.

 

As to "getting" a man, for keeps - like a husband, like a healthy relationship....you can offer those things easily enough but not just as rules of thumb to employ , or you will end up alone. They have to be sincere, they have to come from a special part of you that you give freely and with love from your heart to gain a relationship.

 

As tools though, sure.

[amerikajin]

I don't know if there are secrets for keeping a man, because it's hard to control people who exercise free will. I think it's more about not letting the relationship get dull, not making the relationship uncomfortable, and just as importantly, not letting a man take you for granted.

 

Don't let the relationship get dull. Go out and do things together. Change up the routine. Watch movies together, but go out and enjoy the outdoors once in a while as well. Tell jokes. Find common interests and activities and do them together.

 

At the same time, don't smother a guy. Understand that before he met you, he was an individual - and he still is. He needs time alone. He needs time to go out and enjoy fishing and cracking open a cold one with the guys. Let a man be a man.

 

On that note, though, don't let him ignore you. Don't let him think it's okay for him not to return phone calls or texts. Don't let him think it's okay to disrespect you by flirting with other women. Set boundaries and enforce them. Always make it clear, not so much through word but through how you handle yourself, that you can always leave if you really have to.

[Silver_star]

There is no secret ot keeping a man. If he loves you, then thats all that will keep him around. If he is going to cheat or leave you then no amount of pot roast dinners is going to make him stay.

[Meaplus3]

It has been said... The woman who appeals to a man's vanity will stimulate him. The woman who appeals to a man's heart will attract him. But only the woman who appeals to a man's imagination will get him.

 

So I wonder if there's any truth to this. I once read a book that described people as being visual, audiable, or kinesthetic. So I naturally assumed that in order to appeal to anyone, you must know which type of person they are.

 

For example, if a man is a audiable person, you have to tell him things he likes to hear. If a man is visual, you have to show him things he likes to see. If he is kinesthetic, you have to make him feel the way he likes to feel.

 

What do you think LS??? Any pointers??

 

I'm not so sure I buy into anything stated above. IMO, the key is to just be yourself. If he likes you for who you are then that's it right there. If not.. then he's not the right guy for you. Just my thoughts.

 

Mea:)

[Mme. Chaucer]

Hell yes, definitely this! Also, I would like to add two things.

 

#1: Unless your man is a chubby chaser, then try to keep your size down to around at most six, but never beyond eight. The reason being that after you've been together for a while and things are getting boring, when the hot babe in a size 0 comes up and offers him a fantastic ride, chances are he's going to take it rather than stick to your hippopotamus butt.

 

 

Aw, come on. Not every man thinks that a size 0 woman is the ideal. Anorexia is not attractive to everyone. And a size 10 woman is unlikely to have a "hippopotamus butt."

 

How is YOUR butt?

[sweetjasmine]

#1: Unless your man is a chubby chaser, then try to keep your size down to around at most six, but never beyond eight. The reason being that after you've been together for a while and things are getting boring, when the hot babe in a size 0 comes up and offers him a fantastic ride, chances are he's going to take it rather than stick to your hippopotamus butt.

 

Wow. I hope few people are as shallow and number-obsessed as you are.

 

I've seen size 10 and 12 women who looked absolutely gorgeous and who were within the healthy weight range for their height and body types, and I've seen size 0 girls who looked like they were malnourished, sick, and freshly rescued from a concentration camp.

[Confusedguy81]

Im simple so all I need is:

-woman who stays active (doesn't mean she has to be tiny)

-woman who lets me walk around the house in my boxers

-woman who will let me watch football without too much complaining

-woman who doesnt act like the fashion police all the time

 

that's about it...

[Woggle]

The woman in the 2nd picture is more attractive to me. Not that the first pic is ugly but I have never been into the airbrushed supermodel look.

[sweetjasmine]

looks are extremely important

 

Yes.

 

But that doesn't mean "size 0 chicks are automatically hotter than size 6-10 chicks". Which is my whole point about you being numbers-obsessed.

 

Clothes size doesn't tell you much about a woman's body and how she carries whatever weight she has.

 

When I was sick and down to a size 4-6, my boyfriend kind of freaked out because I looked frail and bony, and he could see all of my ribs. It grossed him out, and he was worried about my health. Yet there are women who are size 4-6 and look healthy and stunning and women who are naturally size 0 and carry it well.

 

So, no, sorry, clothes size isn't a good way to judge how attractive someone is, and it's ignorant to say that women who are bigger than size 8 are automatically unattractive and have a "hippopotamus butt".

 

I've been in situations where I'm hanging out with a chick friend and she goes off to meet some of her other friends and guys come in and ask what her bra size, dress size, weight, and her measurements are.

 

Your guy friends ask for measurements? You're hanging out with some incredibly shallow people.

 

I've seen some gorgeous women in size 8's (Marylin Monroe) and I've seen some pretty scary girls in tiny sizes (Nicole Riche).

 

Right. Which is why it's silly to reduce attractiveness to clothing size.

[sally4sara]

when the hot babe in a size 0 comes up and offers him a fantastic ride, chances are he's going to take it rather than stick to your hippopotamus butt.

.

 

I love the female form; not enough to want to go gay but, beauty attracts the eye no matter what your gender is.

That being said, the only time I found a woman who wears a size 0 attractive, she was 4'10". Most size 0 women are too skeletal or frail to be considered attractive by me.

We were watching Burn Notice, and we had always joked about how Fi wouldn't be able to even heft a sawed off let alone use it. That not being bad enough, she went on some awful diet prior to an episode where she wore a bikini. As soon as she took off her poolside wrap, my husband choked on his beverage and hollered "when did Caren Carpenter come back from the dead?!"

Its all an opinion and I'm not starving myself for anyone. I'm mean when I'm hungry!

[sumdude]

I love the female form; not enough to want to go gay but, beauty attracts the eye no matter what your gender is.

That being said, the only time I found a woman who wears a size 0 attractive, she was 4'10". Most size 0 women are too skeletal or frail to be considered attractive by me.

We were watching Burn Notice, and we had always joked about how Fi wouldn't be able to even heft a sawed off let alone use it. That not being bad enough, she went on some awful diet prior to an episode where she wore a bikini. As soon as she took off her poolside wrap, my husband choked on his beverage and hollered "when did Caren Carpenter come back from the dead?!"

Its all an opinion and I'm not starving myself for anyone. I'm mean when I'm hungry!

 

My wife wore a 0 at times. She was about 5' 1' and 100 lbs so that was a healthy weight for her.

[Neutrino]

I'd like to hear responses from women and men. In my experience, I try to incorporate all three aspects of audio, visual, and kinesthetic. Because I have a difficult time trying to figure out which will appeal to a man the most. But so far, that hasn't helped me "keep" any particular man:(

 

Hand-cuff him, gag him and tie him to a chair - he won't be going anywhere for a while...LOL

 

I hope this is not a serious post !! why on earth would you want to "keep" someone who no longer sees his (or her) relationship with you as a privilege ?

 

First of all focus on keeping true to yourself... if you start pretending to be someone you are not, or doing things you don't really want - it will be the pretence that keeps the other's interest - the day you get tired of faking it - will be the end...

Edited March 18, 2010 by Neutrino

[sally4sara]

My wife wore a 0 at times. She was about 5' 1' and 100 lbs so that was a healthy weight for her.

 

Yeah short girls it can look alright on. I'm 5'2 1/2" and at one time I was 100 at that height, I passed out a few times. That was when I was homeless and not able to eat when I wanted.

At that height when I was a dancer, I looked my best at 115. Good muscle tone and a size 3/4.

Size zero is an impossibility for many women unless they are under a certain height. I can't imagine a guy expecting a woman to be malnourished just so he can say he dates a size 0.

[zebracolors]

I want a woman who will engage me. Be my best friend, trust me, love me, be honest with me, take care of me and bang my brains out.

This is pretty much me and everything I want to do for my man, past present and future. Except I would not class sex as very high priority but that does not mean I would not want it. But like someone said before, sometimes you can do everything a man would like but he can still leave due to random circumstances, from life, work, meeting someone else etc.

[SummerLady]

It has been said... The woman who appeals to a man's vanity will stimulate him. The woman who appeals to a man's heart will attract him. But only the woman who appeals to a man's imagination will get him.

 

So I wonder if there's any truth to this. I once read a book that described people as being visual, audiable, or kinesthetic. So I naturally assumed that in order to appeal to anyone, you must know which type of person they are.

 

For example, if a man is a audiable person, you have to tell him things he likes to hear. If a man is visual, you have to show him things he likes to see. If he is kinesthetic, you have to make him feel the way he likes to feel.

 

What do you think LS??? Any pointers??

 

Give him B jobs whenever he wants them.. Sorry had to say that:)

[Isabella81]

I'd say appealing to some of his needs, and keeping him interested in you.

Too many variables to get into details.

 

But sex appeal is in the mind and size zero isn't always the answer.

Marilyn Monroe was like size 10 or 12 and considered the hottest woman at one time... sure back then they liked them with a little meat.

 

But I know lots of men that find women with a great personality far more appealing than for their beauty.

 

And who would want a guy only interested in you for your looks?

What happens later? History rpeats itself. When you're in your 40's does he go looking for a younger you?

 

Look beyond the cover...

[Nikki Sahagin]

I hate the idea that you have to 'fight' for a person even when you have them. If I have to fight to keep my man interested in me, I would hope he was also fighting to keep me interested. Its always horrible when one person is keeping trim and making effort and the other ones just making none at all. Towards the end of my last relationship I was pulling out ALL the stops and getting nothing back - complete waste of energy sometimes. I say, do it for yourself, and your partner will notice

[mixwell]

Some so called secrets to keeping a man:

 

1. Cook for him and keep him well-fed. Go shopping for him and keep the fridge well stocked with his favorite goodies.

 

2. Keep the house clean.

 

3. Keep yourself in decent shape, good-smelling, clean, wear reasonably attractive clothes. I.e. look and act like a "woman."

 

4. Give him plenty of sex, be sure to mix it up with a little kinky stuff now and then to keep things interesting. Don't turn him down to often, that will hurt his ego.

 

5. Don't be a nag or a be*otch.

 

6. Don't embarrass him in public, with friends, in front of the family, etc. Don't show him up. If you have a beef with him that needs to be aired out in private.

 

7. Show him respect.

 

8. Don't cheat, don't flirt with other guys, don't do anything that would hurt his confidence in the relationship.

 

 

 

LOL, I wonder how many of the gals here on LS would even get 4 out of 8 of these? Most likely reading this list is infuriating a great many of you. Sorry that's not my intent.

 

But, the OP did ask what the "secret" is, so there you go, I just told you.

 

 

I agree with all of these except #6.. If i act like an ass then I deserve to be called out on it but as basic and simple is this list is you're pretty dead on for my standards.. Hell even if you cannot cook I just want to woman that is into me and shows me that she wants to do things for me and be there for me.. As a single guy @ 26 doing everything myself, I would praise a woman that cooked, cleaned house and did laundry.. I would do about anything she wanted... Back rubs, foot rubs even watch a chick flick or two.

 

As an independent person I feel like if my woman can take care of me then I will try my hardest to provide for her and give her what she wants. I feel it is a 50/50 input on both sides. Hell my sister came to visit last week and since I work full time whatever she did something as simple as my laundry and I was like amazed because I hate washing clothes.. I could only imagine if I had a wife or serious g/f that did that for me all the time.. Hell ya I will give you a massage to keep your body in shape for more household activities

[zebracolors]

After re-reading that draft list I was just realizing much of it I agree with actually.

 

1. I enjoy cooking anyway, and if I have fallen so deeply for a guy, then I would want to cook good things for him.

2. I usually try to keep a clean living space anyway, as I've gotten into the habit.

3. I am actually more casual in style but I also stay active, been doing alot of walking.

4. If I've come to know a guy that well then there must have been chemistry and soon trust between us in the first place, and I'm pretty open minded anyway.

5. I tend to be pretty passive and gentle actually and by that point I would hope I would be able to respect him, so would never nag him.

6. I guess if it got to the point where I felt strongly for a guy, and something like that happened, I would prefer to discuss it in private.

7. Like said, at this point in the r-ship I would hope I have found every reason to respect him.

8. If I am that much into a guy then, no I wouldn't even consider cheating I would hope.

[and.then.some]

1. That you're trying to keep the right man

 

After that, I agree with troggleputty's list for the most part, but would put respect as number one. Not always nagging and complaining, but trusting him to do what he needs to do. Showing that you value, trust, and respect him (and yourself) is what keeps even the wrong ones trying to come back for more. Just let him be a man. When the whole world is pissing you off, your woman should be the comfort.

 

However, I think beyond even that, people are just trying to keep the wrong other people. I think at its core, it comes down to being compatible with that person and having the same objective. A lot of times, I think we sidestep basic compatibility because of attraction, sex, companionship, good conversation, or whatever the other perks are in the relationship. We end up trying to get a person to compromise themselves for us, or trying to change ourselves too much in the name of "keeping" someone who might not even be right for us.

 

I haven't had an ex who didn't try to come back at least once. I don't think it was just because the sex was hott. They were good looking guys and sex grows on trees. All of a sudden mister do nothing wants to paint my house. Not for an easy lay (because that wasn't going to happen anyway). Certainly not for a home cooked meal. It's because I cared for him, in general. When they became @$$es, I did a cost benefit analysis and simply let them go. When things weren't working out as well, I asked questions to see if I could find an answer or solution. When I couldn't find one, I didn't rush out to Victoria's Secret or try to cook a steak. Those things might be nice, but they can't fix a broken relationship. They can't make a bad one good. Sometimes what two people have to offer one another simply runs out.

 

One ex I stayed close friends with tried a number of times to get back into my good graces, and it just wasn't going to happen as the basic compatibility simply was not there. But, I got to hear and witness all of the horror story girlfriends who, in being slow not to realize how he wasn't mature enough yet to deal with what they were looking for, drove him up the wall. One after another. (I must confess, that I have done that once myself.) Trying to make him be something he wasn't. Or, badgering because he didn't meet certain expectations. Even if they were basic things that you would expect any man who loves you to do, you just can't... force out of him what's not there.

 

In trying to keep any man, I think it's first important to figure out if he's really worth keeping. (Not to say he's inherently bad, but he simply might be bad for you.)

[ADF]

The premise of you question implies that if a man strays or abandons a woman, it is somehow her fault. It almost never is.

[jthorne]

Some so called secrets to keeping a man:

 

1. Cook for him and keep him well-fed. Go shopping for him and keep the fridge well stocked with his favorite goodies.

 

2. Keep the house clean.

 

3. Keep yourself in decent shape, good-smelling, clean, wear reasonably attractive clothes. I.e. look and act like a "woman."

 

4. Give him plenty of sex, be sure to mix it up with a little kinky stuff now and then to keep things interesting. Don't turn him down to often, that will hurt his ego.

 

5. Don't be a nag or a be*otch.

 

6. Don't embarrass him in public, with friends, in front of the family, etc. Don't show him up. If you have a beef with him that needs to be aired out in private.

 

7. Show him respect.

 

8. Don't cheat, don't flirt with other guys, don't do anything that would hurt his confidence in the relationship.

 

 

 

LOL, I wonder how many of the gals here on LS would even get 4 out of 8 of these? Most likely reading this list is infuriating a great many of you. Sorry that's not my intent.

 

But, the OP did ask what the "secret" is, so there you go, I just told you.

I'm not offended by these at all. In fact I do these things for him, and he does them for me as well.

 

I would add:

9. Have a common interest or something you both like to do together.

10. Have your OWN interests, and continue to be your own person

[ADF]

Some so called secrets to keeping a man:

 

1. Cook for him and keep him well-fed. Go shopping for him and keep the fridge well stocked with his favorite goodies.

 

2. Keep the house clean.

 

3. Keep yourself in decent shape, good-smelling, clean, wear reasonably attractive clothes. I.e. look and act like a "woman."

 

4. Give him plenty of sex, be sure to mix it up with a little kinky stuff now and then to keep things interesting. Don't turn him down to often, that will hurt his ego.

 

5. Don't be a nag or a be*otch.

 

6. Don't embarrass him in public, with friends, in front of the family, etc. Don't show him up. If you have a beef with him that needs to be aired out in private.

 

7. Show him respect.

 

8. Don't cheat, don't flirt with other guys, don't do anything that would hurt his confidence in the relationship.

 

 

 

LOL, I wonder how many of the gals here on LS would even get 4 out of 8 of these? Most likely reading this list is infuriating a great many of you. Sorry that's not my intent.

 

But, the OP did ask what the "secret" is, so there you go, I just told you.

 

Even if I agreed with all of this--and I don't; this list is basically a set of instructions for female servility--the fact is women who do all these things still get cheated on. A lot. Women need to stop feeling responsible for men's cheating. If a man is unhappy, there are plenty of reasonable steps he can take. He can leave, for example. Cheating is NOT a reasonable response to a troubled relationship.

[RainDown]

Do people really believe there is some by-the-numbers recipe to keeping someone around? How about simply asking them what they need? Or taking the time to genuinely get to know them as an individual rather than treating them like a recipe from a cake box?

 

People will stay around when their needs are met; and they'll go elsewhere to get those needs met if they are not getting it from you.

 

Take the time to really get to know someone and what their needs are (rather than what you think they are or should be) and go from there.