need serious advice

[edward]

I am a 29 year old community college teacher and I need advice in regards to starting a relationship with a former student. She is 20 and we have had a casually friendly relationship ( meaning just friends, no dates ) both while she was my student and afterwards.

 

I recently met her for lunch to discuss her 4-year college future and our talk went well. However, she had said a few things that had no connection to the discussion that I thought might indicate she was interested in furthering our relationship. She had broke up with her boyfriend about 6 months earlier and she speciically told me that she didn't have a boyfriend right now and basically said that her summer vacation was going to be rather lonely for her. Our chat went well otherwise and we got along quite well but I left our chat without pursuing the question about a relationship.

 

Now, am I just reading things into all of this? I had thought that I had received a few of these kind of indicators from her before but she certainly never aggressively pursued anything.

 

The bottom line is the question of whether I should actively pursue a relationship with her ( should I ask her out? ) or should I just let it go and leave it as it is. I might have asked her out except that, a number of years ago, a similar case had occured to me which ended badly. I had thought that I had read signs from that person, I asked her out, and then only to find that she had no romantic interest in me whatsoever. It ruined our friendship and now I am gun-shy about all of this.

 

Any serious advice about what I should do would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

[Taressa]

If you enjoy her company and if there are no rules from the college prohibiting the relationship, give her a call. You might want to keep this first date short and informal to give yourself the chance to watch for signals.

 

First, however, I have a couple questions. Forgive me if I'm way off base... Since you've been in this situation before you may want to look at your history before moving too fast here. Two questions immediately come to mind:

 

1) Was the other girl also in a lonely situation? There may be something in you that attracts needy, hurting women. That would imply something nice about your heart but would also suggest you've unwittingly stepped into a pattern that sets yourself up for hurt when your heart goes beyond friendship.

 

2) Teachers carry the authority figure image with some women. Is it possible you feel somewhat validated in the leader-follower relationship that develops? Is your relationship with the woman one of friendship or more of adviser?

 

Once you're sure the relationship has a solid basis I suggest you go ahead and make the first move toward enjoying more.

 

Hope you enjoy the summer.

[Randy]

Just because a lady turns you down for a date doesn't mean she's not interested. As a matter of fact, it could mean she is very interested. If a lady is particular nervous or startled at being asked out by someone she has been very fond of, she may say no. Lots of them say no when they mean yes. She may have had plans. She may have had a bad day. Ask again.

 

Being a college instructor, you certainly should be open minded enough to know that you shouldn't generalize. Every situation is different. If you are so unsure, call this lady and ask her to a harmless social event on campus, a lecture, a coffee, a play, a campus concert, or whatever. You could even just ask her to lunch again and go over some things you forgot to discuss at your previous get-together.

 

This lady was really trying hard to give you a message. How could you be so cruel to let this wonderful woman have a lonely, uneventful summer? You owe it to humanity to get something going here.

 

As for ruining friendships, that's impossible. You can never lose a friend, you can only find out who they are. If a seeming friendship is ruined because you expressed your feelings, that person was not really your friend or she was extremely immature. Those kinds of things can be worked through if there is a true desire to continue a valued bond of friendship. Sometimes, it can even strengthen the friendship is the party who cares more can handle it.

 

And, by the way, summer vacation is one third over so get moving!

[Randy]

I just read your answer in the above post and was very enlightened, especially about the following which I will cut and paste here:

 

1) Was the other girl also in a lonely situation? There may be something in you that attracts needy, hurting women. That would imply something nice about your heart but would also suggest you've unwittingly stepped into a pattern that sets yourself up for hurt when your heart goes beyond friendship.

 

Would you please be so kind to expound on this. I used to do this over and over again. I mean, I went out of my way to find the bleeding hearts, ladies who needed money, jobs, a place to stay, someone to write a paper for them, and whatever and I got clobbered every time. I know this sounds stupid, but I don't really do this so much anymore but I would really like more insight into why I was so stupid in doing this.

 

Your comments would be especially appreciated.

[edward]

Thank you for your advice Taressa. In regards to your two comments/questions, the previous girl wasn't in a lonely situation ( as far as I could tell ). She had a number of friends. However, the point you make is a one that I should keep an eye on. I wouldn't want to fall into that pattern.

 

In regards to your second observation, you may be correct. Although we are friendly, I would say that currently my role with her is more as an adviser. That's probably why I'm so unsure of myself in this instance. I keep questioning myself if I'm seeing things that aren't there with her.

If you enjoy her company and if there are no rules from the college prohibiting the relationship, give her a call. You might want to keep this first date short and informal to give yourself the chance to watch for signals. First, however, I have a couple questions. Forgive me if I'm way off base... Since you've been in this situation before you may want to look at your history before moving too fast here. Two questions immediately come to mind: 1) Was the other girl also in a lonely situation? There may be something in you that attracts needy, hurting women. That would imply something nice about your heart but would also suggest you've unwittingly stepped into a pattern that sets yourself up for hurt when your heart goes beyond friendship.

 

2) Teachers carry the authority figure image with some women. Is it possible you feel somewhat validated in the leader-follower relationship that develops? Is your relationship with the woman one of friendship or more of adviser? Once you're sure the relationship has a solid basis I suggest you go ahead and make the first move toward enjoying more. Hope you enjoy the summer.

[edward]

Your suggestion in regards to inviting her to a harmless social event might be a good one. I may try that. Thanks for your advice on this Randy.

Just because a lady turns you down for a date doesn't mean she's not interested. As a matter of fact, it could mean she is very interested. If a lady is particular nervous or startled at being asked out by someone she has been very fond of, she may say no. Lots of them say no when they mean yes. She may have had plans. She may have had a bad day. Ask again. Being a college instructor, you certainly should be open minded enough to know that you shouldn't generalize. Every situation is different. If you are so unsure, call this lady and ask her to a harmless social event on campus, a lecture, a coffee, a play, a campus concert, or whatever. You could even just ask her to lunch again and go over some things you forgot to discuss at your previous get-together. This lady was really trying hard to give you a message. How could you be so cruel to let this wonderful woman have a lonely, uneventful summer? You owe it to humanity to get something going here. As for ruining friendships, that's impossible. You can never lose a friend, you can only find out who they are. If a seeming friendship is ruined because you expressed your feelings, that person was not really your friend or she was extremely immature. Those kinds of things can be worked through if there is a true desire to continue a valued bond of friendship. Sometimes, it can even strengthen the friendship is the party who cares more can handle it. And, by the way, summer vacation is one third over so get moving!

[Taressa]

Hi Randy,

 

You surprise me. Your posts are always so dead-on strong and smart that I thought you were one of those perfect no-problems-with-the-women fellows.

 

I'm still struggling a bit myself but maybe I can help.

 

The needful women syndrome, let's call it, might come from several things. Beyond these I'm sure there are other things; your friends would know best what motivates you.

 

1. Some people are just merciful people who hate to see others suffering or in need. They are the people who give, give, give trying to bring the other person to happiness. Happiness is something we have to make on our own. Trying to achieve someone else's happiness will only wear out the giver and weaken the taker.

 

2. Some people are drawn to the weeping heart type because it is easy to form a relationship with them. You don't have to fight to win their affection because they are so thirsty for you. You're not stepping out on too scary a limb to offer them a part of yourself. You have an easy, relatively risk-free chance at a relationship with someone who will think you are a gift from God for awhile

 

3. Some people are unsettled in their alone-ness. If we don't surround ourselves with a group of friends in which we are comfortable enough to sometimes open up and be vulnerable, we will settle for a relationship in which we feel accepted and known... the bleeding hearts call out to each other and find each other pretty easily because they are so desperate to share, feel protected, and feel needed.

 

I hope some of this will help you. I think you've helped yourself most of all, however, by recognizing there was a pattern in your history. I'm glad you've stepped out of that hurtful path. You sound like a smart, caring guy.

 

By the way, a book I picked up a couple weeks ago has been a wonderful tool for me. It is called "Boundaries for Dating" and has really given me some smart tools. I can't recall the authors' names but I found it in a Christian bookstore. Maybe you would find it helpful too.

 

Thank you for the compliment of asking my advice. Here's hoping to strong, mature relationships in our future...

 

Taressa

 

I just read your answer in the above post and was very enlightened, especially about the following which I will cut and paste here: 1) Was the other girl also in a lonely situation? There may be something in you that attracts needy, hurting women. That would imply something nice about your heart but would also suggest you've unwittingly stepped into a pattern that sets yourself up for hurt when your heart goes beyond friendship.

 

Would you please be so kind to expound on this. I used to do this over and over again. I mean, I went out of my way to find the bleeding hearts, ladies who needed money, jobs, a place to stay, someone to write a paper for them, and whatever and I got clobbered every time. I know this sounds stupid, but I don't really do this so much anymore but I would really like more insight into why I was so stupid in doing this. Your comments would be especially appreciated.

 

[Taressa]

Good. Good. I'm glad to hear your reply because you sound ready for a good, solid relationship.

 

As far as seeing things that really aren't there: women know the effect of what we say and what we do. We're very aware of trigger words that might draw a man to us.

 

I think its time to cut the apron strings of the advisor-student relationship and to bring your feelings for her into the open. She may be surprised, she may be frightened at the prospect of losing you as her safety zone. The thing is, you'll have given yourself a chance to grow a mature relationship with someone you really seem to like.

 

Don't settle for less than love. You deserve more than just being needed. You deserve love in return for love.

 

Best wishes.