Remember me? Need help after H's emotional affair/midlife crisis

[Kay]

Hi, everyone. It's been a long time (more than a few months) since I've posted and I could use some help/advice/insight on how to continue with my marriage. In a nutshell, here is a quick summary of events over the past 2 years --

 

1. Married 20 years, 2 kids 16 & 13

 

 

2. Husband had "emotional affair" 2 years ago with my best friend of 15+ years, following several significant life events including the sudden death of my Dad, the suicide death (depression) of his 37 year old sister, the purchase of a new house, loss of his job in a high level position, my own battle with depression and his purchase of a fledgling new business.

 

 

3. H declared he didn't love me, acknowledged he wanted a divorce (after I posed the question; he never asked me for one) and we put our house on the market. (for financial reasons but also because I thought that it would "simplify" our lives while we figured out what to do next.) H refuses counseling, joint or individual but I have been going myself for almost 3 years.

 

 

Fast forward to the present: After 6 months (since July 03) of suffering from complications from heart surgery, my sweet Mom died December 12. I spent most of that time caring for her 24/7 with my 6 (yes, 6!) sisters. Here's the confusing part: my H has been absolutely wonderful, kind, caring, supportive and "loving" to me. He moved back into our bedroom after living in the quest room for 9 months. Although we are "intimate," it is not in the "traditional" way. For now, this is acceptable to me and I take it as a step forward. We kiss hello and goodbye, he calls me several times during the day to see how I'm doing and has taken a huge step in involving himself with our children. He holds me close, listens to me cry, laughs with me but still can't/doesn't say he loves me. Really hard for me, but ... I remain hopeful that love can return. Stupid or me?

 

 

Here's where I need the advice ... Nothing regarding our marriage problems has been spoken of or, more importantly, resolved!

 

 

I've been so involved with my Mom, my active teenagers and keeping my house ready for countless showings that I have put everything regarding my H on the back burner. My excuse seems to be that I will deal with it when the house sells and we move, when I find out once and for all if my H moves WITH us or not. He told me not to expect or plan anything around him. Maybe it's denial on my part, or more likely self preservation, but I have allowed him his space, started focusing on myself and it's become a "don't ask, don't tell" type of situation.

 

 

As I said, he has never been so kind and supportive as he is now in the past 2 years. The OW is not in the picture. But my anger/resentment/hurt/ is once again bubbling just under the surface.

 

 

Do I rock this boat by demanding we once again bring all the painful stuff up to begin resolving what happened to our marriage and why? I am so sad lately about my Mom, the unknowns about the New Year, etc.

 

 

Am I making a mistake by keeping things moving forward in a positive direction and not dealing with (at least right now) the issues that face us?

 

 

SORRY for the long post! I really tried to be succinct. Thank you all for your support! Kay

[bark]

Am I making a mistake by keeping things moving forward in a positive direction and not dealing with (at least right now) the issues that face us?

 

Your answer is up front in your question. You believe things are proceeding in a "positive direction." This has been a tumultuous time for everyone in your family with deaths, job loss, infidelity, sickness , etc.

 

Your life has achieved a rough equilibrium. I would not upset that balance, no matter how precarious in the long term, until you move. Then, you will know whether he intends to join you. If he does not, there's no practical point in confronting him. If he does, move the family into the new house and, after things settle, demand that he give you the complete accounting you so desparately seek.

 

Right now, your family is dancing on the edge. I wouldn't do anything right now that disrupts the status quo. Complete these major life tasks, and then try to get answers from your semi-estranged spouse.

 

You're not making a mistake by refusing to flip over this 3-wheeled apple cart. Your showing good judgment and good, strong common sense.

 

Good luck, Kay.

[Summerday]

I'm really sorry your going through this, my thoughts are with you and I hope it all works out.

 

I was going to say that you should discuss these issues with your husband, because it sounds like you really love him and want to work it out, not knowing whether he is in this relationship till death do us part must be devasting. However, after reading Bark's post I agree that moving forward and making the move first might be a better idea. Your saying that he is very attentive with you and is more involved with the children, this could because he is regretful for hurting you and your children. My advice to you is just be prepared emotionally.

[bark]

My advice to you is just be prepared emotionally

 

I very much second this advice.

[Kay]

As always, thank you both for your replies. "Prepare yourself emotionally" was good advice. Believe me, I am trying to do just that. Initially, two years ago, I was an emotional basket case. Blamed myself, panicked over losing my husband and marriage and cried over all the "I should have's ... if only's ...

 

In a strange way, I feel empowered. I waited longer than some people would ever have, to weather the storm. I could easily have forced a divorce to happen.

 

Separating emotionally from my husband and depending less and less on him has made me so much stronger individually. I still believe my marriage has merit but I feel much better about myself personally, too. My hope is that I can spend the rest of my life with someone who loves, needs, supports and respects me. I would like that to be with my husband, but if not, I think I'll still do all right.

 

Bark, how are you doing in your marriage? I always enjoy reading your posts. (even if way back in the old days you thought I was a "judgemental prude"!!)

 

Can anyone else out there provide any insight on my initial post?

[bark]

Bark, how are you doing in your marriage? I always enjoy reading your posts. (even if way back in the old days you thought I was a "judgemental prude"!!)

 

Kay, that was the one post I wish I could take back.

 

I marvel at your strength, character and endurance.

 

Things are moving forward, and I would avoid any type of emotional accounting until your family is planted in the new house. Just keep it in for a few months, and then you can demand answers.

 

Good luck.